


awake and unafraid

by you_explode



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Anxiety, Bandom - Freeform, Bisexual Louis Tomlinson, Blogging, Bottom Harry, Camping, Coming Out, Concerts, Drunk Sex, Emo, Festivals, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, LiveJournal, M/M, Moving In Together, Nostalgia, Oblivious Harry, Overthinking, Panic Attacks, References to Depression, Slow Burn, Smoking, Teen Angst, Underage Drinking, Virginity, background zayn/liam, claustrophobic crowd scenes, gratuitous use of msn conversations, off-screen louis/hannah, weed mention in the epilogue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-21
Updated: 2019-06-21
Packaged: 2020-05-15 18:31:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 101,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19301407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/you_explode/pseuds/you_explode
Summary: It's 2007, Harry's seventeen, his favourite band is My Chemical Romance, and he's in love with his best friend.(an emo au set from 2006 - 2009)





	1. 2006

**Author's Note:**

> who wants to take a trip to the past??? lmao this is easily the most self-indulgent and ridiculous thing i've ever posted, it's mostly just harry and louis being huge bandom nerds and also in love. if you weren’t into bandom/emo and still want to give this fic a try, i suggest looking at the [bandom fanlore wiki](https://fanlore.org/wiki/Bandom_\(Decaydance%2B,_My_Chemical_Romance\)) to get an idea of the bands i’m referencing and what the fandom was like.  
> also [have a look at this](https://www.digitalspy.com/tech/a802121/17-things-youll-only-remember-if-you-were-a-full-msn-messenger-addict-from-appearing-offline-to-song-lyric-statuses/) if you've never experienced the glory of msn lmao
> 
> this fic is all about music, so [obviously there's a playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0M6VBrsLmij0kVYGJvmQWX), it's mostly the songs referenced/Classics in no particular order.  
> the biggest thanks in the world to [El](http://graceling-in-a-suit.tumblr.com) for always supporting me, for refreshing my brain, for your perfect ideas, and for giving me what i needed to finish this <3  
> and massive thanks also to [stagnacht](http://stagnacht.tumblr.com) for the absolutely incredible art!!! <3
> 
> lastly, warnings:  
> \- they hook up after they've been drinking a few times, i don't think it's as extreme as 'drunk sex' sounds but it should be warned for.  
> \- harry has anxiety throughout, a couple of mild panic attacks and two depressive episodes. he hasn't actually realised that's what it is, so it's more of an underlying theme than something he deals with properly. he mostly stews in his feelings a lot.  
> \- brief discussion of grown adults pursuing teenagers, since a bunch of men in bands did that. also, this fic includes a lot of people who were quite problematic, but i wanted to reflect the time, and i didn’t want to ignore how we felt about these people then because they proved themselves to be assholes later.  
> \- following that, brand new and jesse lacey are mentioned in this. i feel gross about jesse now but brand new were so important and i can’t write emo louis without him loving them :(

*******

**2006: and this is just the prologue**

*******

**23 october**

 

Harry has never been so excited to hear an album in his _life_. He’s literally jogging to Louis’s house, and with the short distance it only takes him a few minutes to get there. Louis’s just texted him that he’s home from work, finally, with The Black Parade.

It’s just come out today, and because Louis was working, he managed to grab it. Harry’s been antsy all afternoon; they made the plan at school, and since then Harry’s been on pins and needles, _waiting_.

It’s finally here, and he’s so fucking excited to listen to it, especially because he gets to hear it for the first time with Louis.

Harry lets himself into Louis’s house, saying hello to his mum in the lounge as he passes, and takes the stairs two at a time to Louis’s room. His door is open, and he’s sitting on his bed, looking at what’s probably the album in his hands.

“Hi,” Harry says breathlessly.

Louis’s head snaps up and he grins. “Hey,” he says. “Thank god. Close the door.”

Harry does, and then he joins Louis on the bed. Louis offers him the album, and it’s still in its fucking shrink wrap. The fact that Louis waited for him to even take that off warms Harry’s heart, and he looks up from the album to Louis’s smile.

“C’mon, take it out,” Louis says. God, Harry fucking loves him.

He tears the plastic, feeling like he’s opening a Christmas present, and gets out the album. It’s in a cardboard sleeve, and there’s their new logo and the little marching band skeleton. Harry’s heart feels so full just holding it, and he turns it over to see the song titles and another skeleton, undressed and hit with arrows.

Harry scans the song titles and then looks at Louis. “Pick a favourite.”

Louis smiles, his fond smile that’s just for Harry. “Based on nothing but the title?”

Harry nods.

“Hmmm,” Louis says and takes the case back.

They’ve only done this once before, this listening to a new album together thing. It was Taking Back Sunday’s Louder Now, back in April, who are one of Louis’s favourites. Harry hadn’t known them very well, so to make it more fun for himself, he’d asked Louis to guess what his favourite song was going to be based on the titles. (Harry remembers that he’d picked What’s It Feel Like To Be A Ghost? which did end up being one of his favourites. He’s curious whether it will happen again.)

“God, this is hard,” Louis says. “I could pick like five, they all sound cool.”

“Pick three, then, maybe,” Harry suggests. “We could each pick a top three.”

“Alright,” Louis says, smiling like he’s trying not to laugh. It’s another expression Harry thinks of as a ‘fond Harry face’. “I pick… The Sharpest Lives, House of Wolves, and I Don’t Love You. You?”

Harry takes back the case. “Hmm… I like The Sharpest Lives too, and I think Disenchanted, and This Is How I Disappear.”

“You would,” Louis teases, elbowing him. “How many times do I have to tell you? I’m not going to let you turn invisible.”

Harry giggles and doesn’t argue. They haven’t even taken the case out of the sleeve yet, so Harry does so, slowly and carefully. It doesn’t have a proper front cover, instead it’s artwork of a gloomy parade.

“Do you think Gerard did that?” Louis asks.

“He probably designed it at least,” Harry says, turning over the case. There’s a picture of the band, there’s Gerard with his new blonde hair - they’re both still having difficulty accepting that - and there’s Frank. Harry lovingly caresses his face with his fingertip before he even realises he’s doing it, and Louis laughs.

“Yup, there he is,” Louis says. He often teases Harry for his blatant favouritism, but Harry knows Louis loves Frank too. “They all look quite good though, don’t they?”

“Bob looks a bit like a fireman,” Harry blurts out, and Louis giggles.

“He does,” he agrees, then sighs a bit wistfully. “Fuck, though, I want one of those jackets.”

“Like Bob’s?” Harry teases. “You wanna look like a fireman too?”

Louis laughs. “No. Gee’s is the best one.”

“Makes sense,” Harry nods. “He probably picked first and gave the others his sloppy seconds.”

Louis nods as well, fake serious. “He would. Such a diva.”

They both laugh, and Harry turns the case over and opens it. The CD itself is beautiful, with the song titles printed around the rim and more artwork in the middle. Harry can’t wait to listen to it, but first they’ve got to look at the booklet. They can’t just rush into this, they have to savour it.

Even though Louis’s wriggling beside him, he doesn’t say anything as Harry carefully slides the booklet out and unfolds it.

It’s one long parade, literally a death march. Harry sees a cancer patient, buzzards, and a ticking clock. It’s beautiful and creepy and Harry loves it, loves the concept of this album already. The other side has the lyrics, all printed out sort of like a newspaper, and when Harry opens it up further, he finds a poster of the band with what looks like an apocalyptic circus. And the same cancer patient, since he’s a central part of the concept.

They already have expectations for this album. The video for Welcome to the Black Parade gave them a good idea of the concept, and there’s been articles about it in Kerrang!. Harry thinks all he and Louis have been doing for the last month is guessing what the album will be like. It’s already basically what he expected and yet somehow even more.

Harry takes a deep breath, and then he puts the booklet aside and takes out the CD. He hands it to Louis.

Louis puts it in his mum’s old CD player, and then he looks at Harry. “You ready?”

Harry nods, and Louis presses Play. A beeping sound fills the room, like from a heart monitor, and then Gerard and a guitar come in, and Harry quickly picks up the lyric booklet.

As The End plays, Harry’s heart soars and soars, and he looks at Louis to see a similar happiness on his face. There’s really - there’s nothing like this, hearing his band’s new music with his favourite person. It’s perfect.

He’s so lucky to have Louis. Harry has had friends with similar taste in music - hell, he has his sister, who got him into so many good bands when he was only thirteen or fourteen. She was the one who showed him Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge. (He’s a bit sad, actually, that he won’t get to share her reaction to the new album in person. She moved to Sheffield for uni a few months ago, Harry’s still dealing with how weird her absence is. He’ll have to ring her later.)

But it’s different with Louis, it goes beyond that; Louis _feels_ it like he does, and he cares about the band members like Harry does. My Chemical Romance is their favourite band for the exact same reasons, Harry feels.

Well, almost. Because a big part of Harry’s reason is the way Gerard plays with sexuality and gender, how fluid he and sometimes Frank seem to be. They’ve helped Harry become comfortable with his own sexuality, and it’s hard for him to separate that from why they’re important to him.

He doesn’t think that part is the same for Louis. But all the other feelings are the same.

And then Gerard sings, “ _Here’s my resignation, I’ll serve it in drag_ ,” and Harry looks up from the lyrics at Louis with wide eyes.

Louis beams back at him. They’ve only talked about it a bit, but Louis does know that Harry fucking loves when Gerard plays with ideas about sexuality and gender, and it’s nice how supportive he is.

Even though he doesn’t know exactly why Harry loves it so much. Harry only half pays attention to Dead!, wondering if maybe he should tell Louis. Maybe he’s ready.

“Ooh, here it comes, your first favourite,” Louis says as This Is How I Disappear starts, bringing Harry back into the moment. He could kick himself for missing even a few minutes of this experience; he gives Louis a belated smile and focuses on the intense riffs coming from the speakers.

This song… it takes Harry’s breath away. All he can hear is Gerard singing _‘Without you is how I disappear,’_ and all he can see is Louis, Louis with his eyes closed, a smile on his face, and Harry _feels_ it. The song isn’t about being invisible, it’s about loving someone so much you can’t be without them, that being without them kills you. And he just… he feels it.

The second half of the song is even better than the first, Gerard’s vocals as well as the lyrics and music twisting Harry’s heart. Louis looks at him expectantly as the song’s ending, and Harry nods.

“Definitely probably in my top three,” he croaks, his mouth dry suddenly.

Louis smiles. “I expected as much,” he says. “It’s a really good song.”

Harry nods some more, enthusiastically, and then The Sharpest Lives starts, the one they'd both picked, and holy shit. The opening riff grabs them both, and then the fast vocals and the _lyrics_ \- it’s beautifully catchy, fun in a desperate kind of way, and Harry’s reading along with the lyrics when the chorus hits.

“Did… did he just say ‘why don’t you blow me’?” Louis asks, wide-eyed and grinning. While Harry prefers to read along with the lyrics when he first hears a song, Louis likes to let it wash over him - Harry kinda thinks they balance each other out that way.

He giggles, checking the lyrics. “It’s ‘why don’t you blow me a kiss before she goes’.”

“He’s just done that so he can get away with asking for a blowie,” Louis says, and Harry laughs.

The song continues, and Harry loves it, it’s fun and so well written, he thinks. Louis seems to love it as well, and as it ends, Harry asks, “Verdict?”

“Oh, we picked a good’un,” Louis says. “Fuck, that’s a good song.”

“I think so too,” Harry says as the piano on WTTBP starts. “I think I’ll have that one on repeat for ages.”

Louis nods, and then he turns up the stereo, even though it was quite loud before. Because although they’ve listened to this song religiously for the last almost-two-months, they’re still not over it. They sing along loudly, basically shouting when the tempo picks up, bouncing around on Louis’s bed. Louis gets on his knees and plays air guitar for Ray’s solo while Harry taps out the drum beat on his thighs. They scream along until the end of the song, and then they collapse, laying back on Louis’s bed and puffing.

A soft guitar riff starts, and Harry looks over at Louis. “This is I Don’t Love You. You picked this one.”

This one feels softer, even though it’s not acoustic or anything. The guitar is gentler, somehow. It feels like it’s about a break-up, but it’s probably about more than that. It’s what Harry loves about this band, the songs are always _more_ than that, more than clichéd tropes. And they’re open to several interpretations, usually, which Harry also loves.

Like the rest of the album, I Don’t Love You hits Harry in the heart, but in a different way. He feels heartbroken, almost, and he’s not sure why, but he thinks this song is also a bit too close to home. He looks over at Louis again, who’s lying on his back with his eyes closed and biting his lip.

“Verdict?” Harry asks again, quietly this time, and Louis opens his eyes.

“Beautiful,” he says, and Harry swallows at the intensity in his eyes. “That was… yeah. Wow.”

“I know,” Harry says, because that’s how he’d describe it too, if for a different reason.

And then House of Wolves starts, and they both sit up. It’s loud, and almost violent, and Louis turns down the volume a bit - it’s still blaring from earlier.

“You picked this one too,” Harry tells Louis. “It’s House of Wolves.”

Louis nods.

 _“Tell me I’m an angel, take this to my grave,”_ Gerard sings, and Harry can’t help smiling. He doesn’t really know why, but he relates to it, feels it in his soul.

“Oh my fucking God, the guitar in this song,” Louis says.

“And Gee’s vocals,” Harry agrees.

“I’m fucking dying,” says Louis.

The song comes to a squealing end and then, in a beautiful contrast, the piano starts on the next song.

“This one’s Cancer,” Harry tells Louis. And fuck. It’s beautiful, like the rest of the album, but it’s probably the most depressing MCR song ever. It’s clearly an important song, the focal point of the album, the song the story revolves around. But it hurts, and by the end of it, Harry’s crying.

He doesn’t even know why. He hasn’t even known anyone who’s died of cancer - or anyone who’s died, really, aside from older relatives when he was young. But he can just feel the suffering in the song, and it _hurts_.

“Oh, babe,” Louis coos, cuddling Harry close. It’s something Harry really loves about him, how comforting and lovely he is when Harry cries. Because Harry can cry at the drop of a hat, and people like to tease him for it, or tell him to stop. He’s emotional and his whole life people have made him feel like there’s something wrong with that.

And then there’s Louis. Who comforts him, but never makes him feel wrong or silly for being emotional. In fact, he _appreciates_ it; he’s said he loves how sensitive Harry is. And Louis is known to shed a tear at rom coms or sappy adverts himself. And now, there are tears in his eyes too. They’re both sensitive and Harry loves it.

Harry’s cheered by that thought, and he gives Louis a wobbly smile as the next song starts - with bombs going off, which is an odd choice that Harry loves.

The song is called Mama, and Harry can’t _help_ it, between the ‘going to hell’ stuff, the ‘we’re all full of lies’, the ‘you should’ve raised a baby girl’ - like, there are a bunch of ways to interpret the song, and they’re obviously going for war and military imagery. But Harry can’t help hearing a story about someone coming out to their homophobic mother. It feels like he’s desperately trying to find queer codes sometimes, like he’s making them up, but he can’t help it. It’s too easy.

And maybe he _wants_ his favourite band to be writing songs about the queer experience, his community, _his_ experience. So fucking what. He can read into it whatever he likes.

Sleep is next, and it’s good, but it doesn’t grab Harry as much as the others. Louis seems to like it more than he does. And then there’s Teenagers, which mostly makes them giggle.

“I need to show my mum this one,” Harry says.

“Me too,” Louis laughs.

The next song is Disenchanted, which was Harry’s last pick. It’s another slower one, actually acoustic for the first verse, and Harry loves it instantly. By the time the chorus hits, he’s got his eyes closed, wanting to try Louis’s method - to feel it rather than read it.

If he’s honest, the song probably wouldn’t have grabbed him so much on first listen if he hadn’t picked it as a favourite. But the chorus - _you’re just a sad song with nothing to say_ \- it _gets_ him.

He realises about halfway through that he thinks he’s heard the demo for this one, except it was called Shut Up And Play. He’d loved that demo, and it makes him love the song more.

“You picked this one, didn’t you?” Louis says, and Harry nods, opening his eyes. “Well?”

“S’good,” he says.

“You don’t love it as much, though.”

“It’s different,” Harry says. “It feels too real, like depressing in a good way, sort of.”

“Depressing in a good way,” Louis laughs. “If that isn’t My Chem’s slogan…”

Harry laughs as Famous Last Words starts. And Famous Last Words is… it’s My Chemical Romance at their finest. Quintessentially and perfectly them. It reaches into the darkest parts of Harry and soothes them. And it does that on the first listen.

It reminds him of two years ago, when he was fourteen and heard I’m Not Okay for the first time. It’s the way he feels whenever he listens to them, really; that there are people out there who understand whatever he’s struggling with. They give him hope, they always have, and this song is - it’s like all of it, everything My Chemical Romance is, in a song.

Also, the guitar is amazing.

“Holy shit,” Louis says when it’s over.

“I know,” Harry says.

“It just… sometimes I just feel like they reach deep into my soul and like, fix my wounds, is that dumb?”

Harry smiles. “No. I was literally just thinking that.”

Louis smiles back at him, relief and love clear in his eyes. “That’s why I love you.”

Harry avoids Louis’s eyes as he tries not to blush, and that’s how he notices that the CD is still playing. It says it’s on Track 13, forty-eight seconds in, and Harry checks the case, because he thought - yep. There is no Track 13.

“There’s a secret bonus song, I think,” Harry tells Louis, pointing at the stereo.

“Oooh,” says Louis, and they sit in excited silence until one minute thirty, when a bouncy piano begins to play and Gerard’s singing a campy showtune.

Harry grins at Louis and they bounce in time with it until Gerard sings, _“So give them blood, blood, gallons of the stuff,”_ and they burst into shocked laughter.

“Oh my god,” Harry says.

“That’s - amazing,” Louis gasps.

It’s literally so fun, all Harry can imagine is the band on stage, singing and dancing like they’re in a West End show, complete with high kicks.

“It makes me think of that Halloween episode of the Simpsons, where there’s that fog that turns them inside out,” Louis says. “And then they all dance like they’re in a musical.”

Harry knows the episode he’s referencing and he cracks up. “That’s perfect, oh my god.”

“New favourite song,” Louis grins.

The song ends, which means the album ends, and Harry feels himself slowly calm down from the excitement that’s been tickling his insides all day. He takes a deep breath.

“You okay?” Louis asks, and Harry nods. He can’t help feeling pleased by Louis’s everyday concern.

“Just… you know how excitement and nerves kind of get mixed up for me,” Harry says, and Louis nods. “I just feel like I’ve been this tightly wound ball of energy all day. Like, holding it in my body.”

Louis makes a sympathetic noise. “That’s why you’ve gotta let your energy out, like me,” he jokes. “Let it bounce all over the place.”

Harry giggles. If only. “Nah,” he says. “It’d be super annoying if both of us were like you.”

“Hey!” Louis says, and Harry laughs. He scootches up on the bed a bit so he can cuddle into Louis properly.

“You know I love you,” Harry says, and watches Louis’s face melt.

“Yeah,” he says. “And speaking of things you love… Have your top three favourites changed?”

“Hmm,” Harry says. “Pass us the booklet.”

Louis stretches out and grabs it, and then they both look over the songs.

“I was spot on with How I Disappear and Sharpest Lives,” Harry says. “They were definitely stand-outs for me.”

“And here we go live with Mr Harry Styles,” Louis says in his ridiculous newsperson voice. “Who accurately predicted two of his three favourite songs on The Black Parade based on title alone! Mr Styles, tell our viewers, how _do_ you do it?”

“Well,” says Harry seriously. “I just looked at the titles, and some of them just grabbed me. I can’t explain it. I have a gift.”

“Certainly sounds like it,” Louis says, and Harry pinches him. “Ow! Okay, so, third choice?”

“I do love Disenchanted, but…” Harry shakes his head. “Famous Last Words just… it made me _feel_ so much. It’s incredible.”

Louis nods. “Yeah, that’s in my top three as well. And I was definitely right about Sharpest Lives, what a fucking tune. And… hm. I Don’t Love You was different to what I thought it would be, but I still really loved it, so… Probably that.”

“So we both got two out of three?” Harry asks with a smile.

“Yep,” Louis says. “And chose the same third song.”

“Well, you know what they say,” says Harry.

“Don’t,” says Louis.

“Two out of three ain’t bad.”

“Get out.”

Harry giggles, and he pokes Louis until he’s laughing too.

“It’s hard to choose, though,” Louis says. “It’s a fucking good album.”

“It really is,” says Harry with a happy sigh. “I’m really proud of them.”

Louis makes that face again, the one that says he thinks Harry is hilariously adorable. That’s not Harry’s ego, that’s literally what his face says. “Me too.”

In fact, it’s Louis’s clear fondness for Harry that makes his decision for him. Harry looks down at his hands and says, “I, um. I decided I want to tell you something.”

Harry glances up, just to see Louis cock his head, faint concern on his face. “Are you alright?”

Harry takes a deep breath, steadying himself, and nods. “Yeah. I just, um. Okay. So, um. You know how important this band is to me.”

Louis nods, looking a bit confused. “Yeah, of course.”

Obviously. Right. “Well, a big part of that is the way - like,” Harry frowns, kind of frustrated that he doesn’t know how to word it. It’s _Louis_. He can do this. “You know I love how Gerard, and also Frank, they don’t seem to care about how people see them. Like, they push boundaries, I guess, like Gee doesn’t care about being feminine, and they seem kinda fluid, um, sexually.”

“Right,” Louis says. He’s been nodding as Harry talks, looking at him intensely, like he’s trying to understand what Harry’s saying. “Yeah, that’s true.”

“Well, earlier in the album, when Gee referenced drag for the hundredth time, it kinda made me want to tell you,” Harry takes another deep breath. “It means something to me because, um. They help me accept myself, because um, I’m pretty sure I’m gay.”

Harry really doesn’t know what reaction he’d expected from Louis, but he absolutely hadn’t thought Louis’s entire face would light up. That he’d look so _happy_. Harry’s a bit too confused to feel entirely relieved, but he does feel lighter.

Louis grabs his hands and says, “Oh, Hazza. Thank you for telling me, I’m so glad you did.”

“Why?” Harry asks, still lost.

“That’s part of why they’re important to me too,” Louis says, and Harry feels the whole world disappear, his vision tunnelling in on Louis’s expressive eyes, the intensity and happiness and _comfort_ he sees there.

“Are you…” he starts, but he can’t finish his sentence. It feels absurd, almost, to ask if Louis is gay too. Harry feels like he’s dreaming, like he’s living in a fantasy.

Because My Chem helped him accept his sexuality, but Louis is the reason he figured it out in the first place. Louis’s the most beautiful boy he’s ever seen, and Harry’s spent years pushing down the way his body and his brain react to Louis’s gorgeous face, his lovely curves, the gentle way he treats Harry and the sweetness of his heart. It’s always felt outside the realm of possibility that his very best friend and the subject of his biggest, realest, most all-consuming crush could also like boys.

“I think I’m bisexual,” Louis blurts out. “I mean, I’ve liked girls, but I also - I dunno, My Chem helped me make sense of the feelings I’ve had for boys, too.”

Harry lets out a shaky breath as his heart soars. It’s not like Louis’s saying he likes _Harry_ , but it’s suddenly _possible_ , and Harry feels so full of emotion he thinks he could vibrate out of existence.

“Really?” he breathes, still needing confirmation.

“Yeah,” Louis says, a big grin on his face.

Harry can’t hold himself back, he launches himself at Louis, tackling him back onto the bed. Louis laughs and adjusts them so they’re sitting in a comfortable cuddle.

“I’m so happy you told me,” Louis murmurs. “I wanted to tell you for ages, I just didn’t know how.”

“Neither did I, clearly,” Harry says with a happy giggle. “I can’t believe we’re both queer.”

“Me neither,” Louis says. “I’m so _glad_.”

“Me too,” says Harry, and Louis squeezes him tighter, and Harry sighs happily.

“Does this mean I can tell you, and you won’t think I’m weird, but I really love the idea of Frank and Gee together?”

Harry props himself up so he can stare at Louis with wide eyes. “Me _too!_ I, um. There’s a lot of fanfiction about them, actually, I've read _loads_.”

“Fan… fiction?” Louis asks, not judging, thank god, but like he doesn’t know what that is.

“People write stories about them,” Harry clarifies.

“Do they really?” Louis asks, wonder on his face. “You’ll have to send me some.”

Harry beams. “I will!” He’s just, he can’t believe how happy he is. He can finally share _everything_ he loves about this band with Louis. This is the best day ever.

“So…” Louis says. There’s a glint in his eyes and Harry just wants to kiss him, always but especially now. “Do you wanna listen to the album again?”

That’s probably the next best thing. “Yes, please,” Harry says.

Louis detaches himself a bit to reach over and press play on the stereo, and then he winds his arms back around Harry and they curl up together as The End starts.

Harry has his favourite band in his ears and Louis’s beating heart under his cheek, and he just feels so tremendously, perfectly content. He may not have everything he wants, but this is more than he could hope for.

***


	2. 2007

*******

**2007: two sides twist and then collide**

*******

**7 march**

Harry’s got his discman crammed into the pocket of his hoodie, blaring Drowning Lessons through his headphones as he makes his way over to Louis’s for their daily ride to college. It’s still cold enough that he can wear the skeleton gloves Louis got him for Christmas. Harry’s worn them probably every day since and he doesn’t want to stop; he’s really not looking forward to warmer weather.

He looks down at his hands and gets the same thrill he’s gotten every day for the last two months. He loves owning something that Frank owns, wearing something that Frank wears, and he _really_ loves that Louis got them for him. Having someone who understands so intrinsically what makes Harry happy means so much to him.

Louis’s waiting out the front for him, listening to his iPod. He’s wearing his fingerless gloves and his school jumper, his long fringe poking out of his beanie and curling around his face. He’ll probably get it cut soon, but Harry hopes he doesn’t, he loves this length.

Louis looks up and his black eyeliner makes the blue of his eyes all Harry can see, like always, so Harry’s in a bit of a daze when Louis smiles and yanks his earphones out. “Hazza!”

“Morning,” Harry says with a smile. “Seventeen days to go!”

They’re seeing My Chem for the first time in two weeks, and they’ve been counting down since January.

Louis does a cute little cheer. “Seventeen!”

He jumps up and gives Harry a far too quick hug, and then he’s unlocking his shitty old car. It used to be his mum’s car, and she took care of it, so it’s not as shitty as it could be, but it’s definitely very old. Harry can’t complain, though; he can’t even drive yet, let alone have his own car. He’s very grateful for Helena.

Yeah. They named Louis’s car after a My Chem song.

They settle into the seats and Louis laughs as Harry takes his discman out of his pocket.

“Why do you still use that? You have an iPod.”

Harry shrugs. “It’s cool,” he says. “It’s old school.”

Louis shakes his head. “You’re so weird,” he says fondly.

“I take that as a compliment,” says Harry.

“Good,” says Louis. “Put on whatever you were listening to then, come on.”

Harry beams and opens his discman, taking out the CD and popping it into the car’s disc slot. “It’s Bullets,” he lets Louis know.

“Perfect,” Louis says, and he skips the first song so that Our Lady of Sorrows comes blasting out of the speakers.

It’s dumb, but Harry fucking loves being in Louis’s car with his favourite band thumping out of the speakers. He can _feel_ the music, and it also makes him feel stupidly cool, like the whole suburb can hear how good their music taste is.

It’s almost funny he feels that way, because there are a lot of people who don’t even think MCR are cool, but it’s _Bullets_. Bullets is fucking cool.

When Sorrows finishes, Louis turns the volume down a bit and asks, “Have you been listening to the new Fall Out Boy much?”

Fall Out Boy are one of their more casual loves; both Harry and Louis love pretty much every single one of their songs, but they aren’t as fanatic about them for some reason. The new album had come out almost a month ago, and he and Louis had sat down and listened to it together, as they do. Harry had liked it a lot then, but now he thinks it might be his favourite FOB album.

It’s hard to choose with them. They have so many albums and songs already, and Harry loves them all pretty much equally. But he thinks he might be enjoying this one more.

“ _Yes_ ,” he says, happy to be talking about it. “I’m obsessed with Hum Hallelujah.”

“Me too!” says Louis. “And Thriller, it’s so sick, I never expected to love a FOB and Jay-Z song.”

“I never expected that to exist,” Harry says with a laugh. “But I love it too, the lyrics are so good.”

“They _are_ ,” Louis says, nodding fiercely as he focuses on the road. “Oh, and Bang The Doldrums!”

“Yesssss,” says Harry. “People on the internet think that one’s about Mikey Way.”

Louis takes his eyes off the road for a second to gape at Harry. “Do they really?”

Harry nods. “Apparently it matches up with Pete’s blogs from when they were hanging out in 2005. People think they had a thing.”

“Holy shit,” Louis says as they turn onto their college’s street. “Do you think they did?”

Harry shrugs. “Dunno, but I could believe it. I’ll have to send you some of the stuff I’ve seen.”

“Yes, please do,” Louis says, and then he’s distracted by navigating the student car park.

Louis parks the car, and Harry says “Oh,” remembering something. “Speaking of Mikey Way rumours.”

Louis turns off the engine and looks at him. “Yeah?”

“Last night people were freaking out,” Harry says. “Heychris posted something that made it seem like Mikey and Alicia got married.”

Louis looks surprised, and then he scrunches his face up in a wince. It’s cute. Harry loves Mikey Way’s fiancé, she’s by far his favourite MCR girlfriend, she and Mikey have a very cute kitten, plus she’s feisty and she plays bass and she’s been a roadie and she used to date Pete Wentz - which, wow, is a dynamic Harry’s going to be thinking about for a bit.

But Louis doesn’t like her as much, and it’s mostly because he kind of fancies Mikey. They have a sort of joke, because of Louis’s thing for Mikey and Harry’s thing for Frank, where Louis likes Frank’s fiancé more than Harry does and Harry likes Mikey’s fiancé more than Louis does. It’s honestly just petty jealousy, which makes it funny.

Louis’s frowning. “He’s supposed to marry me, though,” he says, and then he laughs.

Harry ignores the part of him that always hates thinking about Louis with anyone else, even as a joke, and he smiles. “How were you gonna do that? You and Mikeyway gonna elope to Canada?”

“ _Yes_ ,” says Louis haughtily. “We’re supposed to move to Canada, actually. Spend our lives together in an igloo eating poutine.”

“The American dream,” Harry says, very pointedly not thinking about how there’s no room in Louis’s fantasy for him.

“Exactly, and I don’t want to give up on my dreams, Harold,” Louis says. “Besides, aren’t there like several hundred rumours about MCR flying around right now?”

Harry laughs, because the MCR rumour mill is currently out of control. “Yeah,” he says. “All the drama with Brian leaving them, and god knows what’s real with Gerard and that Eliza girl.”

Gerard's been wearing a ring recently, and people have been trying to piece the truth together for months, between him saying he's single in interviews and her posting attention-seeking Myspace blogs. Harry’s joined a Livejournal community called mcrumorcontrol to talk about it, because he can’t imagine Gerard being engaged to this wannabe scene queen, but it’s annoying that nobody seems to be telling the whole truth.

His favourite theory is that Gerard just found the ring and that was the only finger it fit.

“Oh Brian,” Louis says sadly. Brian Schechter was My Chem’s tour manager, and he’s a saint. Harry and Louis both love him. “I already miss him.”

“We should watch LOTMS after school,” Harry says. “Just his bits, though.”

“And I’m Not Okay behind the scenes,” Louis says.

“He deserves a proper send off,” Harry says with a solemn nod. “Oh! And the I Don’t Love You video comes out tonight!”

“At midnight, yeah?” Louis checks. “Ugh, I’m so annoyed it’s a Wednesday and Mum won’t let me stay at yours.”

“You should sneak out,” Harry says, mostly joking. Mostly.

“Maybe I will,” says Louis. “I wanna see it with you.”

“Me too,” says Harry. “I wanna see it _now_. I love that song so fucking much.”

“Same,” Louis says with a sigh.

It’s creeping closer to the start of the school day, so they gather their bags and get out of the car.

“Oh, back to Fall Out Boy songs, I completely forgot before,” Louis says from the other side of Helena. “GINASFS!”

He pronounces it like ‘gin-ass-fis’, and Harry laughs as they meet up in front of the car and start to walk into college.

“Yeah, how did we forget that one?!” Harry says. “I’m obsessed with the title.”

“Gay is not a synonym for shitty,” Louis says, and then he sighs happily. “I’m gonna make that my MSN name.”

“You should,” Harry says. “God, it just makes me so happy, that they’d do that. I love Pete.”

“Same,” says Louis. “I feel like this album has made me love FOB so much more.”

“Me too,” Harry agrees. “They might be like… my third favourite at the moment.”

“Makes sense,” Louis says. “Obviously they’re not going to replace Panic, not after the pornomime.”

Harry almost doubles over with laughter. “Fuck, the pornomime! Oh my god.”

“A cinematic masterpiece,” says Louis, and Harry can’t stop laughing, the entirety of the video for Build God playing in his head.

They’ve arrived at their group’s spot, and Danny’s the only one there. “Why’s Harry dying?” he asks.

“Pornomimes,” says Louis, as if that explains it.

Danny raises his eyebrows. “I don’t want to know what you two get up to,” he says, and normally Harry would be annoyed by the insinuation, but it’s so unrelated that he just laughs harder.

“Don’t judge us, pornomiming is our passion,” Louis says, and Harry’s done. He’s done.

*

College isn’t great in itself. People are generally a bit mean.

Like, it's fine, Harry wouldn’t say he’s unpopular, but he’s pretty sure it’s mostly because he’s friends with Louis. He just has this feeling—this was Louis’s school first, Harry moved here, and Louis’s always been pretty universally well-liked, maybe even respected. Harry’s heard the arseholes in their year say things about him that he’s never heard anyone say about Louis. Which is a good thing, obviously Harry would never want them to, it just gives Harry the feeling that he’d be a walking target if it weren’t for Louis.

It’s probably part of the reason Harry’s so scared of his feelings—sometimes he feels like Louis is all he has, especially at college. Harry prefers to stick to his small group of friends—Louis, Danny, Dougie, Tom, Tom’s girlfriend Giovanna, and her best friend Cara—so when even they become too much, sometimes it’s only Louis he can handle being around. 

He can’t lose that. Doing life without Louis is not an option. So Harry really needs to ignore how badly he wants to kiss him.

*

He’s spent the day counting down to midnight. Well, and also to the end of college, because he’s looking forward to the Brian Schechter marathon he and Louis have planned, but he’s definitely more excited for the IDLY video. He’s just so happy that that song was chosen as a single, and he cannot wait to see what they do for the video.

So he’s even happier when they go back to his place after school, and Harry checks MySpace and sees that the band have dropped the video early.

Harry loves the video, the cinematography of it and the faces Gerard makes. He's wearing a ring in the video, too, though.

"It's a purity ring,” Louis says, and Harry laughs. That somehow actually makes more sense.

*** 

Never give out your password or credit card number in an instant message conversation.

 **-x- like ghosts in the snow . xxH 12 Days ! says:  
**LOU MIKEYWAY REALLY IS MARRIED !!!  
**-x- like ghosts in the snow . xxH 12 Days ! says:  
**[https://chemicalromance.livejournal.com/2386328.html#comments ](https://chemicalromance.livejournal.com/2386328.html#comments) confirmation from Alicia’s friends  
**. like a bullet through a flock of doves [louis] x.x says:  
**aw damn :(  
**-x- like ghosts in the snow . xxH 12 Days ! says:  
**Lou!!!!!  
**. like a bullet through a flock of doves [louis] x.x says:  
**lol jks I know you love her  
**-x- like ghosts in the snow . xxH 12 Days ! says:  
**She’s just really cool! She plays bass! She takes no shit! She used to date pwentz! I want Pete/Mikey/Alicia to be a reality :(  
**. like a bullet through a flock of doves [louis] x.x says:  
**haha me too . or Pete/Alicia and leave Mikey for me  
**-x- like ghosts in the snow . xxH 12 Days ! says:  
**>:(  
**. like a bullet through a flock of doves [louis] x.x says:  
**oh like you wouldnt say the same if Frank got married  
**-x- like ghosts in the snow . xxH 12 Days ! says:  
**Why would you even SAY that  
**. like a bullet through a flock of doves [louis] x.x says:  
**>:)  
**-x- like ghosts in the snow . xxH 12 Days ! says:  
**Stop being mean to me and change your msn name  
**“Gay is not a synonym for shitty.” [12] [louis] x.x says:  
**happy?  
**-x- like ghosts in the snow . xxH 12 Days ! says:  
**Very, thank you!

*** 

**24 march**

Harry’s so excited he thinks it actually might kill him.

It’s eleven AM and he and Louis have just joined the queue outside MEN Arena. They’re sitting on the ground and there’s about fifty people in front of them already. Harry wonders when they got here, if people camped out overnight. He’s not surprised; he knows My Chem fans are intense - fuck, Harry himself is pretty intense - but he hasn’t been around this many in the flesh before. He feels wide-eyed with wonder, almost, kinda like a kid at the circus or something.

The only upsetting part of this day is that Zayn’s supposed to be here - he and Harry are supposed to be meeting for the first time, and seeing their favourite band together - but Zayn’s sick and his parents wouldn’t let him come. Harry’s devastated for him, and he’s sad he won’t get to do this with Zayn. At least he has Louis.

He and Louis pass the time by sharing earphones, listening to My Chem on Louis’s old iPod, scribbling on each other’s shoes with Sharpies and making stupid jokes about the band members. As the day goes on and people come and go from the queue, rumours spread about the band being here, and people around them keep wondering if they’ll come out and sign stuff. People have left the queue to wander about in hopes they’ll run into them.

“Imagine if they just casually came out here,” Louis says, looking faintly amused.

“They’d get swarmed,” Harry says, shivering a bit. The queue is massive now, it takes up most of the space in front of the arena. They’ll be lining up the street soon.

Louis nods, considering it. Then he giggles. “If I was them, I’d climb up onto the roof.”

Harry giggles too. He points to the building behind Louis. “Imagine Gerard just appearing up there,” he says, and Louis laughs with him.

Harry squints against the glare at the building, imagining Gee standing up there and shouting down at them. It’s a hilarious image.

“Imagine how everyone would react,” Louis grins. “I almost want to yell, look Mikey’s on the roof!”

Harry shushes him as a girl in front of them turns to give them a quizzical look. “Don’t!” He’s laughing, but he does mean it - he’s a bit nervous, around this many people who love his band too. Insecure, maybe—like they’ll think he doesn’t belong. He doesn’t want to draw attention to himself.

Louis reaches out and gives Harry’s knee a reassuring squeeze, like he knows what Harry’s thinking. Of course he does. “I would never interact with anyone but you, you know that,” he says, making Harry laugh again.

“Good,” Harry says. “You’re not allowed to talk to anyone else, ever.”

Louis gives him a fond, crinkly-eyed smile, and Harry hates that he feels a little bit of truth to the joke. It’s just. Louis’s absolutely gorgeous, always, but even moreso today - his dark eyeliner making his blue eyes pop, his artfully messy fringe and his beautiful body in skinny jeans and his Three Cheers era shirt. Sometimes, when they’re out in public, Harry feels this wild urge to mark his fucking territory; he just wants everyone to know that Louis is his.

Except he isn’t. Not actually. God, Harry’s brain is the worst.

“‘M proud of you for wearing this, did I say?” Louis says, tugging on Harry’s red shirt. He’d scrawled HOMOPHOBIA IS GAY across it, a fairly perfect imitation of Frank’s shirt, and he’d been nervous about it - it feels like a pretty clear statement on his sexuality, and he’s only out to a handful of people. He’s not really used to the possibility of strangers thinking he’s gay.

But he loves Frank’s version of this shirt; it means so much to him, purely because it represents his favourite person taking a stance on homophobia. He’d wanted to wear something to show how important Frank is to him, and this is his version of a glittery sign that says ‘FRANK HELPED ME COME OUT’.

If he’s honest, he kinda wishes he had a glittery sign as well. It would’ve been acceptable at the only other concert he’s been to, The Spice Girls with Gemma and his mum when he was a kid, but this is obviously a very different crowd. Nobody’s bringing signs to a My Chem show, and besides, Harry’s trying not to stand out, here. He hadn’t even drawn Xs on his eyes, even though he’d really wanted to--and now he’s seen so many people with Xs on their eyes, and he’s jealous of every single one.

“Thanks,” Harry says softly. There’s butterflies in his tummy as he looks down at the shirt, and he’s not sure if it’s nerves or if it’s Louis. Probably both.

“Really proud,” Louis says with a smile, and Harry can feel the love radiating off him like sunshine. He smiles back and hopes he makes Louis feel the same way.

He wants to say that he only has the courage to wear it because Louis’s here with him, but that feels like too much, so he charmingly changes the subject. “So, what are you hoping they’ll play tonight?”

Louis’s smile says he sees what Harry’s doing, and they’ve already endlessly discussed the potential setlist on the coach, but he says, “I’m still holding out hope for Lady of Sorrows, of course.”

They know that for this tour, the band are performing The Black Parade in its entirety - as the Black Parade, whatever that means - and then getting changed to play some older songs as My Chemical Romance. So, since they already know their favourite Black Parade songs will definitely be played, they’re just antsy about the other songs. Harry’s seen a few set lists floating around from previous shows, but he doesn’t know if he trusts them.

“I’m hoping for Prison, and Give Em Hell Kid,” Harry says, and Louis nods because he already knows that. Those are Harry’s realistic hopes - a part of him is longing for Demolition Lovers or Desert Song, but he knows that won’t happen. They don’t play those songs often anyway, and devastatingly, they aren’t playing anything off Bullets at the moment, but Harry’s not going to crush Louis’s Sorrows hopes by saying so.

“Same,” says Louis. “I’ll lose me shit if they do Give Em Hell Kid.”

Harry nods emphatically. The song references drag and kissing dudes, obviously it’s one of Harry’s favourites.

Another group passes them, and this time all of them have Xs on their eyes. Harry stares after them longingly. He’s honestly so annoyed with himself for giving in to his nerves.

“Right, that’s it,” Louis says, jolting Harry out of his reverie. “S’cuse me love, can we borrow your eyeliner?” he asks one of the girls in front of them. Harry faintly remembers seeing her draw on her friend with eyeliner earlier.

“Of course,” she says brightly, and Harry’s surprised, because he thinks most people would think sharing eyeliner with strangers is gross.

In fact, as Louis turns to him with the eyeliner, Harry might think it’s gross. He doesn’t want to get pink eye or something.

“Relax, would you, I’m not going to touch your eyeball with it,” Louis says, rolling his eyes.

Harry frowns, and Louis pauses, pencil held stagnant in the air.

“Do you really not want to? That’s okay,” he says, but of course Harry wants to, so he shrugs and closes his eyes.

“Have at it.”

Louis’s super gentle as he draws lines on Harry’s face, the pencil touch feather light over Harry’s eyelids. “Fuck,” Louis says softly to himself, and Harry almost blinks his eyes open, remembering at the last second that he might get stabbed in one of them.

“What is it?” he asks warily instead.

“Just went a bit wonky,” Louis says. “Hang on.” And then something wet is touching his skin, it’s Louis’s finger, Louis licked his finger and is now touching Harry’s skin with it.

It’s one of a million times they’ve had no boundaries with each other, but Harry’s heart is pounding and his mouth is dry. Louis’s close now, finishing up his lines, and Harry can feel his breath on his face, sweet from the vanilla Coke he’s been drinking.

Harry’s holding his own breath, because he _can’t_ breathe, he’s forgotten how. He feels like he might explode. He knows it’s dumb, he knows the tension is all in his head, but that doesn’t stop him from pursing his lips just a bit.

He just wants to kiss Louis. More than anything. More than seeing My Chem, even. More than _meeting_ My Chem.

It’s that moment that Harry finally fully realises how deep he is.

“Ta da!” Louis says, and Harry opens his eyes. He blinks a bit, adjusting to the sunlight, and sees Louis frown. “We need a mirror.”

Harry frowns too, trying to think of how they might find a mirror, and then Louis lights up.

“Oh! My phone!” he says, pulling it out and aiming it at Harry. “Smile!”

Harry pouts at him instead, so Louis’s laughing as he takes the photo.

“Now close your eyes,” Louis says. “Need to get the full effect.”

Harry smiles a bit and does so, and then there’s a clicking sound and Louis’s excitedly nudging him with his phone.

Harry takes it and looks at the last photo, grainy with a greenish hue like every photo Louis’s phone takes. The lines are a bit uneven, one side thicker than the other, but overall it looks perfect. His little half-smile looks more like a smirk though, which is weird—he wonders if people often think he’s smirking when he isn’t.

He flicks over to the other photo, him with his eyes open, pouting ridiculously. The photo makes him feel a bit flushed, because he kinda likes the way he looks and he likes that Louis has a photo of him like this. He quickly gives Louis his phone back.

“So? Do you approve?” Louis asks.

“I love it,” Harry says with a smile. “Thanks, Lou. It looks great.”

“It looks _sick_ ,” Louis says. “Suits you, y’know?”

He turns around to give the girl back her eyeliner, so he misses Harry’s proper blush and embarrassingly pleased smile.

*

The moshpit is insane. Harry can barely breathe; he’s just taller than the girl in front of him but her hair keeps tickling his nose and her hairspray is suffocating. All he can smell is hairspray and sweat, and the support band were good (Thursday, who Harry barely knows but Louis loves, and the frontman is an outspoken feminist who said a lot of things Harry loved and agreed with), but Harry already feels battered and bruised. He’d almost lost Louis, so Louis’s arm is around Harry’s waist, his fingers clutching Harry’s shirt. They’re squished in like sardines, in front of the centre of the stage. Harry can count five rows of heads in front of him, because when the doors opened there was a mad dash to the barricade and it had taken Harry and Louis a beat to catch on.

In their defence, neither of them have ever been to a concert like this before. They hadn’t known what to expect. Now, trapped in a sea of bodies, Harry feels like they were woefully underprepared.

The lights go down and a beeping sound echoes through the arena, and the crowd loses their shit. Louis holds him tighter as the mosh surges forward - Harry honestly felt it was impossible to go further forward, and he almost feels bad for the people in the first row getting squashed against the barricade. Except they’re in the front row, and he knows he’d happily be impaled to have nobody between his face and his band.

Harry can’t see much of anything, even when the lights go on as The End starts, but between being thrown about, Harry starts to make out the figures on stage. They’re so close, but Harry’s vision is now obscured by someone even taller than him, plus he’s focusing most of his attention on trying to stay standing. But there’s a moment where he’s steady and has a clear view of Gerard, and Harry stops breathing. Fuck that girl’s hairspray, seeing Gerard Way in the flesh is actually what’s going to kill him.

He suddenly feels far too hot, and he’s a bit light-headed—he looks over to Louis, and—fuck, Louis’s _gone_. Harry frantically whips his head around as The End finishes and the crowd around him thrashes, feeling more and more panicked with every face he sees that isn’t Louis. How could he have disappeared?!

For a few terrifying moments, Harry thinks he might pass out. He’s vaguely aware of Gerard talking, but all he can do is lean against the person in front of him, resting his forehead against their sweaty back, letting the crowd hold him up while he fights to get his strength back.

Dead! starts up and Harry thinks faintly that he’s missing the concert, not just due to his panic but also the insanity of the mosh pit. If he stays here, he’s going to spend the whole show trying to stay on his feet—if not simply trying not to faint. And he’s lost Louis.

He _needs_ Louis, they were supposed to do this together. That was the whole point.

Harry realises that people are getting lifted out, and he’s not far from the barricade - there’s maybe three rows of people in front of him now. He rests his head against the person in front of him again, trying to figure out how to get himself up so that security can lift him out, when someone asks in his ear, “You right lad?”

Harry opens his eyes and twists a bit to see a man with concerned, kind eyes, probably in his twenties. He’s bigger than Harry, so Harry thinks maybe he can help.

He shakes his head, knowing his eyes are wide and wild. “I need to get out,” he says desperately, and the man nods.

“We’ll get you out,” he says, getting his friend’s attention, and then somehow they hoist Harry up. He’s crowd surfing for a brief moment before security can grab him, and his eyes fucking lock with Gerard’s.

“ _Then why am I dead?_ \- love your fucking shirt kid - _dead!”_

The song squeals to a close as Harry’s hauled over the barricade and dropped not-so-gently to the ground, and then security are ushering him to the side, so it doesn’t hit Harry until he’s walking away on wobbly legs that Gerard _just fucking spoke to him_.

He stops dead and whirls around, but Gerard isn’t looking at him anymore. The guard closest to him tells him to move along, and then Harry’s eyes land on Frank who’s looking back at him and Frank _blows him a kiss_.

And Harry dies.

He gets to the end of the barricade and joins the crowd again in a complete daze. He’s missing This Is How I Disappear, one of his favourite songs, but he can’t even care. That just - that just happened. Gerard noticed him. Gerard noticed his _shirt. Frank blew him a kiss._

Harry’s never going to get over this.

He comes back to himself as he watches them play How I Disappear, the song soothing him in a weird way - maybe just because he loves it so much. At the moment he’s quite sure it’s love flowing through his veins, not blood. All he is is love.

Speaking of which… he needs to find Louis. He fishes his phone out of his sweat-soaked pocket and, thank god, he has a text from Louis from just a moment ago.

 **Lou X.X  
** **r u ok ? im on the barrier on franks side right at the end, find me ?**

Harry just replies **‘coming x’** and starts to make his way to the front. He’s already on Frank’s side, he’d just moved further back to get some air, but the crowd to the side is fairly sparse. Like the majority of people are in the middle, in the death mosh. Harry doesn’t understand that at all.

He feels bad pushing in front of people, so he says, “Excuse me, I’m looking for my friend, excuse me,” to every person he passes, in his sweetest voice, and miraculously they all let him through. Finally, just as Sharpest Lives starts, he sees Louis, spreading himself out to save Harry a spot, and Harry squeezes in beside him.

Louis turns, probably about to tell him off, given the way his annoyed face collapses in relief. “Oh thank god,” he yells, moving over to make more space. “Are you alright?”

Harry nods. “That was insane,” he yells back.

Louis nods too, his eyes wide, and then he points to the stage. “Sharpest Lives!”

Harry has to laugh, Louis’s _so_ cute when he’s excited, and then they focus on the stage and scream along to the song. Harry loves this fucking song, and hearing it live feels like his heart’s been ripped from his chest. Gerard Way is prancing about the stage in his beautiful Black Parade jacket with Harry’s beating heart in his hand.

They’re right on the end of the barricade, directly under the speakers, so Harry can’t see Bob, hidden behind his risers, and Ray is a bit too far away. But they have a decent view of Frank and Gerard, and they can see Mikey when he periodically steps closer. It’s good, it’s more than enough. It’s so much better than the view from the pit, and Harry can breathe and lean against the barricade. It’s perfect.

And then, during the guitar solo, Frank whirls his way to the closest corner of the stage, and he’s so close that Harry can make eye contact with him again. And then, while Harry’s singing the last chorus to him, Frank fucking _points at him_. Then he twirls away.

Louis turns to him, his mouth open. “Did he just—he just pointed at you!”

Having Louis witness it somehow makes it real, and Harry sags against the barricade. “He did, didn’t he?”

Louis nods rapidly, wide-eyed in disbelief, and Harry wants to tell him about Frank blowing him a fucking kiss, but the band starts playing I Don’t Love You, and their attention is ripped back to the stage.

It’s—fuck. It’s so overwhelming, Harry ends up crying. He can’t help it; it’s such a beautiful song, and it tethers him back to reality, in a way. Makes him fully process the fact that he’s actually finally seeing his favourite band, pressed against his favourite person. He flashes back to October, to when he first heard this song, sitting in Louis’s bedroom. It feels like such a leap from there to here, and he’s suddenly just so grateful that Louis’s the person with him in this experience.

Louis turns to him halfway through the song, and his face crumples when he sees Harry’s tears. Louis wipes at Harry’s eyes, which almost sets Harry off again, and then he wraps an arm around Harry and pulls him into his side.

And fuck, but Harry just feels perfect. He could spend every night like this and be totally happy.

*

Gerard says and does the weirdest shit on stage and it’s such a thrill to see it live instead of on video, to be in his presence. He owns the stage, like he belongs there, and Harry’s weirdly jealous; watching Gerard makes him want to be in his place. It hits him in a rush during Disenchanted—specifically during the line, _it was the roar of the crowd that gave me heartache to sing—_ Harry fucking _feels_ it, he suddenly thinks that maybe this is what he wants to do. Maybe he wants to _be_ Gerard.

*

“Swear to God, I was basically asphyxiated by her fucking hairspray,” Harry says as they’re slowly moving out of the arena.

Louis laughs. “That was the craziest pit,” he says. “I’m so glad we both got out of there. I was so worried you’d been trampled.”

“Well, I almost passed out,” Harry says, and Louis looks at him with alarmed concern. “But the people behind me lifted me out.”

“Thank fucking god,” Louis says, clearly relieved.

“Yeah, but, then,” Harry says, tripping over words in his excitement to finally tell Louis what had happened. “So I like, crowd surfed for a second? And I was right in front of Gee, and as they pulled me out, he said he liked my shirt!”

“Holy shit,” Louis says, gaping. “He was talking to _you_? I heard him say that!”

Harry nods, still in disbelief himself. “It didn’t sink in until I was walking away, and I stopped and looked back at the stage and Frank was looking back at me and he blew me a kiss, Lou! _Frank!_ ”

“Holy _shit_ ,” Louis says. “Is that why he pointed at you?”

Harry shrugs happily. “I mean, maybe?”

“I keep seeing him looking at us throughout the set,” Louis muses. “Or at least I thought he was. Couldn’t figure out why.”

Harry shakes his head in disbelief. It feels like a fever dream, it’s his most fucking embarrassing fantasies come true. “Frank Iero knows who I am. I’m never going to get over this. I can die happy.”

“You can’t _die_ ,” Louis exclaims dramatically, and Harry laughs.

“Okay, fine,” he says. “I’m never gonna stop talking about it though.”

“That’s fine by me,” Louis says with a grin, and he slings his arm around Harry’s shoulders as they finally walk out the arena doors.

Harry looks at his watch and sees that it’s 10:47. They still have at least an hour until their coach comes, and they could leave and spend that time waiting at the station, or… Harry knows that at least Frank will probably come outside to meet people, and he doesn’t think he could live with himself if he didn’t stay and wait, just for a little while.

Of course, the idea of actually speaking to Frank is almost too much for him to handle, but still. He still wants to try.

“Do you wanna stay here for a bit, maybe wait for them to come out?” Harry asks Louis.

“Yes!” Louis says, obviously excited, bouncing a bit as he peers around the crowds of people still leaving the arena. “Where do you think we go?”

“Around the back, I think?” Harry guesses based on what he’s seen people online say. “Let’s see if we can find the gate they’ll leave out of, that’s where people normally wait, I think.”

*

They only end up waiting for about twenty minutes, as Frank comes out around 11:15.

There aren’t many people waiting, maybe about thirty, and they’ve spent the time ignoring a guy selling posters for two pounds and being told to move by a particularly aggressive security guard. They’re standing near the middle of the group of people waiting, just slightly closer to the opposite end of where Frank’s appeared, so they have a bit of time to compose themselves, breathlessly watching Frank sign the scraps of paper people are pushing through the fence.

At least, Harry’s breathless. This is _different_ to seeing him onstage—he’s just, he’s a normal person here, he’s _real_ , he’s—fuck, it’s so surreal.

Frank’s being hurried along by his security, so he isn’t making small talk, mostly just shooting grins at people as they say they love him or that he saved their life. He’s getting closer and Harry tries to steel himself, but all of his background anxiety bubbles to the front of his brain and he panics and completely forgets all of the things he wants to say to him.

And then Frank’s in front of him, only separated from Harry by two metal bars, and he’s signing Harry’s ticket when Harry blurts out, “You’re the reason I came out.” Loudly. _Very_ loudly. He’s so embarrassed he could die.

But Frank looks up, saying “I am?” and then he blinks for a second and smiles. “It’s you,” he says, squinting at Harry’s shirt in the darkness, as if double-checking.

Harry simply cannot believe that he stood out so much. Surely boys wear shirts like this to their concerts all the time.

But maybe it always stands out to them. That’s nice to think, actually.

Oh, shit, Frank’s looking at him, ignoring his security telling him to hurry up, Harry needs to _say something—_ “I, um, yeah, you guys, you helped me accept myself, that I’m gay, thank you—” aaaaand it’s probably the least articulate he’s ever been. Awesome.

Frank beams at him, which, holy _fuck_ , seeing that in person, _aimed at him_ , Harry definitely feels like he’s dying. “That makes me so happy, dude, I’m so proud of you,” Frank says, and fuck. Fuck what Harry said to Louis earlier, _now_ he’s going to die happy, right on the spot.

Oh god, _Louis_. Harry turns and pulls him closer, only seeing his happy, proud smile for a second before he looks back at Frank. “You helped Lou accept himself too.”

“Thanks from both of us,” Louis says. “You mean a lot to us.”

“That means a lot to _me_ ,” Frank exclaims as he signs Louis’s ticket. His security person physically pushes him along, then, and as he goes, he calls, “So good to meet you!”

Harry watches him sign stuff and smile at the girls next to them, his heart pounding, trying to steady his breathing. As Frank moves along, Louis grabs his hand, and Harry squeezes it, looking over to see his exact feelings mirrored on Louis’s face.

“That just fucking happened,” Harry says.

“Yeah,” Louis breathes. “Haz, I’m so proud of you.”

The girl next to them coos, and Harry realises that whole experience had a tiny audience. It’s weird, because it hadn’t felt that way. Oh well.

He looks down at his ticket to see Frank’s signature, and he also sees two hearts and a smiley face with Xs for eyes.

“Look,” he says gleefully, showing Louis. He wonders if anyone else got a heart.

Louis does, he’s got a heart and a very messy, rushed version of the same smiley face.

“I wanna get this tattooed,” Louis announces, and Harry agrees. As soon as his mum lets him, he’s doing that. He needs this night immortalised on his body.

Frank’s left, and everyone around them seems to want to stay in case the others come out, they’re all hopeful about it, but Harry knows it’s only Frank who seems to come out these days, and besides, they need to leave if they want to make their coach.

So he and Louis head off to the train station, and Harry finds himself feeling perfectly content. This night has truly exceeded his wildest hopes, and he can’t remember when he’s ever felt happier.

***

**7 april**

Harry’s still coasting on that good mood for weeks after. It just means so much to have been able to tell his actual favourite band member how much he’s helped him, and to have Frank actually support him. Personally. Individually. What the fuck.

It’s been two weeks, and still, literally every time Harry walks into his bedroom and sees his MCR posters, he has to stop and stare at Frank and try to digest the fact that he’s actually met him. Harry _came out_ to him. And Frank said. He was proud. Of Harry. Every time Harry remembers it, it’s like a shot of pure happiness.

He’s out to his mum, Gemma, and Robin, and to his friends, but until last week, he hadn’t told his dad yet. His dad lives in Holmes Chapel, Harry doesn’t see him that often anymore, and he’d been putting it off because he didn’t know how his dad would react. But after meeting Frank, and discussing it with his mum, he felt confident enough to tell his dad on their next phone call. 

He hadn’t even reacted badly. He’d said that between ‘the emo thing’ and how much Harry always talks about Louis, he’d sort of guessed.

It shouldn’t have surprised Harry, because nobody in his life has seemed surprised by him coming out, but he hadn’t expected that from his dad. He feels better, now, at any rate, and really lucky to have the people he has. It could be so much worse. And his dad’s comment, combined with how much he’s been thinking about Frank, leads to him really considering the effect the emo movement has had on him.  


Harry usually only thinks of it in terms of how bands specifically have affected him, because even though he wears eyeliner, black nail polish, skinnies, and sometimes straightens his hair (it often looks weird, so he usually sticks to his mop of curls), he doesn’t really consider himself ‘emo’ most of the time.

He just doesn’t really like the word ‘emo’, it’s used too derogatorily for him to be totally comfortable with it. He finds it way too hard to classify music anyway, but with emo it’s even harder. Most of the bands Harry knows don’t like to be called that, so how can they be called something they don’t identify with? It’s a confusing label, it’s not any one thing—people say it’s emotional music, but most music is emotional. It’s supposed to be a fashion thing too, but then the bands don’t really dress any one way.

Then there are a lot of ‘emo’ bands that Harry doesn’t like. It’s just too hard to pinpoint what emo actually is.

Gerard’s said that he doesn’t get it, and that he just thinks of their band as rock, which Harry likes. All of these bands are just rock bands really.

But there are a lot of things about the ‘emo’ movement that Harry really likes. He likes feeling a part of a huge, basically global community that loves so much of the music he loves. He likes how looking and being alternative is fairly commonplace now. And he really likes how accepting the emo movement in general is of boys kissing.

Sometimes he’s weirded out by it, almost. He’ll be on a forum and see girls talking about how they want to see Frank and Gerard kiss, and like, he _agrees_ with them, he just really didn’t know girls felt that way. Being into this music has exposed him to other viewpoints, and he’s seen that there are whole swathes of people who are not only okay with gay kissing, they think it’s _hot._

And sometimes that’s weird. Harry doesn’t really know how he feels about it. But overall, there’s this environment with emo that’s not only accepting, it seems to encourage people to explore their sexualities. Harry thinks that’s an amazing thing for a subculture to do.

Also, it makes it easier to believe that certain band members have at least experimented, because they’re in a scene that allows them to. Harry doesn’t even care what’s real or not, it’s that fluidity that he’s attracted to, and he likes having even the possibility of representation and kinship.

Also the fact that emo fashion blurs the lines of gender. It’s all more androgynous, nothing’s really gendered. It’s cool to wear nail polish and makeup and girls’ jeans. Harry loves that.

It’s definitely, clearly led to people assuming things about his sexuality, though. His dad is an example of that, and so are the few arseholes at college who have been calling him gay under their breath for ages. But Harry doesn’t mind all of that as much now. He fucking is gay, and he’s not going to be announcing it at college, but if the way he dresses makes people think that—well, they’re right.

He’s settled into real acceptance of his sexuality, and he has the whole frickin’ emo movement to thank for a lot of that. Maybe he could become more comfortable with the word emo. It only has to mean whatever it means to him, anyway.

***

**16 april**

There’s a forgotten space at their college that Harry and Louis discovered last term. Between the basketball court and the field there’s a small, abandoned service road. The road is completely obscured by trees from either side, and it’s relatively easy to slip through the trees near the basketball court and leave school altogether. It’s how he and Louis leave whenever they’ve felt like skiving off to watch LOTMS.

It’s not easy enough that other people have discovered it, or so Harry thinks. There’s a short fence around the edge of the school and hopping it would be either very obvious, in the places with no tree cover, or very hard, given the random but thick clumps of trees. There’s really only one place in the fence that’s covered by trees but sparingly enough to squeeze through. Over the wall, there’s a tiny secluded area, surrounded by trees. It’s where the service road is cut off; trees overgrew from both sides of the road to block the way. It’s almost impossible to see a way out of this little tree-lined area, but there’s a little sliver of space that leads out onto the service road. Harry and Louis used to leave their bikes there, and now if they know they want to leave college early, Louis will park around there in the morning.

The point is, though, it’s camouflaged enough by the trees that you really have to be looking to find it, and so far it seems like nobody has. It’s Harry and Louis’s little spot, and more often than escaping school, they use it to escape their friends during lunch.

Today they’re being particularly annoying. Harry spent Sociology, first thing in the morning, with Danny insisting that he and Louis had feelings for each other and that they should be together. It’s not the first time he’s brought it up, and Harry absolutely hates it. No matter how much Harry tells him it’s not like that, Danny’s convinced they’re in love.

Harry hates it for so many reasons. It’s painful, first of all, a painful reminder of his feelings and Louis’s lack thereof, and it’s also embarrassing. Harry doesn’t want to think how obvious he must be, every day - and he _hates_ the idea of other people thinking they know how he feels. Even Louis. Especially Louis. Harry doesn’t think Danny’s brought it up with Louis, but it’s really only a matter of time, and after every class Harry spends with Danny harping on, he’s paranoid for the rest of the day.

He was thinking in Sociology that it was embarrassing enough with just Danny talking about it, he couldn’t imagine how awful he’d feel if their whole group were in on it. And then in Photography, Tom started asking Harry questions. About Louis. And then they’d had Music, Harry, Louis, Danny, and Tom, and Harry spent the period with Louis, as always. But he kept catching Danny and Tom looking at them and making little comments to each other. Harry doesn’t think Louis noticed, but it was still absolutely mortifying.

Danny’s been pushing Harry about Louis since last year, and Harry's never liked it, but it’s so much worse now. On New Years Eve, after everyone had gone to bed, Harry and Louis kissed. They were tipsy and it shouldn’t have meant anything, which is exactly why Harry freaked out afterwards. He went with his family to his nan’s until college started again, and he didn’t contact Louis once. At college, he avoided Louis, because he didn’t want to hear Louis say that it meant nothing. That he only saw Harry as a friend. Harry was so sure that’s what he’d say. But Louis wouldn’t leave him alone. He followed him between classes and drove to Harry’s every morning to make him accept a ride to college. Louis didn’t bring up the kiss once, but he made sure their friendship didn’t suffer for it. It was like it never happened.

Harry doesn’t know how he feels about that, but it’s better than being outright rejected. The point is, their friendship recovered from that, and he doesn’t want Danny and Tom’s pestering to ruin it. Harry never, ever used to feel like his friendship with Louis was shaky or fragile, but right now he does—he’s sure the strength of his feelings has the power to destroy everything.

Maybe he’s over-reacting. But now that Danny’s recruited Tom, Harry feels like the ground he’s on is even shakier, and it’s making him feel ill.

When the bell rings for lunch, Harry simply cannot stand the idea of spending thirty minutes with them and the rest of their group, terrified that it’ll be brought up at any moment. He grabs Louis and says, “Our spot?” and Louis agrees with a smile.

As they walk down to the courts, Louis says he’s been having a shitty day too, that he’d been talking to Tom about relationships in their first period, and Harry stumbles and almost falls over.

Louis steadies him and says, “When are you gonna learn to use your legs?”

Harry can only laugh nervously, because his heart is in his throat. Jesus fuck, he hopes Tom hasn’t been saying the same shit as Danny.

“What were you and Tom talking about?” Harry manages to ask, once he gets his feet and his vocal chords working again.

“Well, we were talking about Giovanna, and everything they’ve been through, and Tom was saying how he thinks he’s a better person since being with her. How she’s become a part of him, really.”

“Oh,” Harry says. That’s not so bad. “That’s nice.”

“Yeah, I mean, I’m happy for them,” Louis says. “It just made me feel so fucking single, you know?”

“Oh,” Harry says. They’ve had this conversation before, many times: Louis wants to be in a relationship, he knows. Harry hates whenever Louis starts feeling lonely, because it’s just a reminder that he’s not enough, that Louis is desperate to leave him behind for someone else. That’s how it feels, anyway.

God, Harry’s starting to realise his feelings might be slightly illogical when it comes to Louis.

He’s saved from having to reply properly, anyway, they’ve arrived at the trees at the edge of the courts. There aren’t many people around yet, they seem to have beaten the rush, and they’ve certainly beaten whichever teacher’s on duty. Louis ducks behind a tree and Harry follows him, and usually they’d hang out here for a bit just in case anybody saw them and came looking, but it’s empty enough today that they can just peek out at the courts and see that nobody is looking towards them.

“Think we’re safe,” Louis says, and then he slips between the trees. Harry follows just in time to see him hopping over the short fence. Harry smiles and does the same, falling in a flop on the ground while Louis giggles and then helps him up.

“That was an epic fail,” Harry says, grinning at Louis, and Louis cracks up. That’s their new favourite phrase.

They get settled in their usual spot; Louis leaning beside a comfortable, seemingly-devoid-of-insects tree, in the only faint spot of sunshine that makes it through the canopy, while Harry’s sat next to him, mostly in the shade, because he doesn’t get cold as easily as Louis does. It’s March, so the sunshine has been especially faint all term, but Harry has hopes it’s getting stronger. Today, it’s quite chilly in their little spot, and Harry pulls his skeleton gloves out of his bag and puts them on.

Louis smiles when he sees. “Glad you haven’t lost one.”

“Are you kidding?!” Harry cries. “I’m keeping these forever. And I’ll be wearing them well into summer, and I won’t _lose them_.”

Louis laughs. “Alright, alright, Curly,” he says through his giggles. “I believe you. You love the gloves.”

“I do love the gloves,” Harry says solemnly, pressing his gloved fingers to his own cheeks. “I love them.”

He kisses the tips of his fingers and then beams at Louis, who’s giving him a crinkly-eyed smile. Harry feels so _warm_.

“So hey, how are your internet friends?” Louis asks. Harry’s not sure if it’s an abrupt subject change or if it’s just him, but either way he’s happy to talk about his internet friends, so he goes along with it.

Harry is a regular on a small forum. It originated from the [ imnotokay.net](http://imnotokay.net) boards, an MCR forum that Harry’s been visiting for a year or so. He and a group of mostly UK fans became good friends there, and they wanted a private space to talk about their lives and inane bullshit as well as MCR. There are only about thirty of them and there’s no way anyone knows him in real life, so Harry feels content to be himself in a way he wasn’t on the INO boards, or most other places in his life.

The new forum’s been running for about six months, and Harry and his friends spend much less time on the INO boards now. Even though they’re obsessed with music, their forum has evolved beyond MCR to be a general board, where they talk more about their lives. Harry even keeps a near-daily blog on the forum - he likes to come home and write up everything that happened that day. He likes keeping track of the daily minutiae of his life, and sharing that with his friends. Sometimes days don’t feel like they happened unless he’s written a blog about them.

He loves reading about everyone else’s lives too—it’s the sense of community and family that Harry really loves about the forum. He’s got this interactive diary that cares about him and feels as strongly as he does about the same things, bands, people. No matter what he’s feeling, he can go to them with it, that’s almost the whole point of the board. They support each other.

Harry’s so close to a couple of them that he considers them some of his best friends. Like, they’re not on Louis’s level, but they almost are. Some of them know things about him that Louis doesn’t even know. Like how he feels about Louis, for example.

There’s Zayn, who Harry probably talks to the most. He’s a year older than Harry and he’s from Bradford, which means he lives the closest to Harry. He’s close enough to give Harry hope they’ll meet one day, if they want to, but far enough that Harry doesn’t need to worry. Sometimes he needs distance before he can express himself, and the fact that nobody on the forum knew him was the driving force behind him opening up to them.

Zayn loves MCR the same way Harry does, and they have a lot of other favourite music in common. Zayn’s addicted to LiveJournal just like Harry is, so he’s often up to date on things. He makes Harry feel less obsessive, just because he’s just as invested. Zayn’s also Harry’s go-to for advice or when he needs to calm down, and he’s a natural at Deep & Meaningfuls. Like, that’s his preferred method of communication; he’s told Harry that he hates small talk, he wants depth in his friendships and communication, and if that’s not there or he’s not invested in the topic, he’ll switch off. It seems like it’s all or nothing with him, which Harry understands. And he enjoys depth. He likes how he _knows_ he can talk to Zayn about absolutely anything.

Then there’s Niall, who’s in Ireland, who’s Harry’s age, who’s obsessed with MCR and FBR bands, and who’s probably everyone’s favourite on the forum. He’s bubbly and talkative and excitable and _funny_ , he’s like a bouncy ball with a sharp wit. Harry finds him delightful always and it makes him feel good that Niall likes him just as much.

Harry also talks to Louise a lot, who lives in London; she’s twenty-two, one of the older people on the board, and she has a baby. Harry sees her as kind of a motherly figure, she always reads his blogs and offers him advice. There’s also Kendall, one of their few Americans. She’s a year younger than Harry and they used to talk more than they do now, but Harry still finds her comments endearing whenever she pops up. She also introduced him to Something Corporate last year and he’ll always be grateful for that.

“They’re good,” Harry says. “The other night Zayn had a dream where he kept running into Jared Leto, who was getting more and more annoyed with him, and then Zayn walked into a room and Jared Leto was there with a cake, and he screamed ‘NOT YOU AGAIN’ and threw the cake at Zayn.”

Louis’s been giggling since Harry mentioned Jared Leto. “That’s amazing,” he says. “Zayn’s subconscious is almost as cool as he is.”

Louis probably knows more about Harry’s forum friends than anyone else. Harry talks about them a lot, especially Zayn and Niall. With other people, he’ll just refer to them as ‘my friend’, because he knows some people might find it weird he’s so close with people he only knows online, and he can’t be arsed explaining it most of the time. Louis’s never made him feel like it’s weird, though; Louis’s only ever seemed to think it was cool, that Harry had found these people who shared his interests and supported him. His mum is kind of the same, but he knows she quietly worries about his friends being secret perverts. And Gemma kind of gets it, but she likes to tease him about it anyway. Louis’s the only person who’s never made him feel bad that the majority of people he feels comfortable with exist online.

“So then we all teased him about it,” Harry says.

“Naturally,” says Louis.

“And Niall made a thing, it’s hilarious. There’s actually a photo of Jared Leto with his hand in a cake, so Niall wrote ‘NOT YOU AGAIN’, in like a speech bubble, and drew angry eyebrows on him. I died laughing.”

“You’ll have to send it to me on MSN later,” Louis says with a laugh. “That Niall sounds like a sick kid as well."

“He is,” Harry says, smiling. “I think you’d really get on with him and Zayn.”

“Do they know who I am?” Louis asks, sitting up a bit with a curious look on his face. “I don’t think I’ve asked before.”

“I don’t think you have either,” Harry says. He thinks about the most tactful way to answer without giving too much away. “Yeah, they do. I mean, you know I write blogs about my day, so I talk about you.” Harry shrugs, aiming for casual. “I talk about everyone.”

“Oh,” says Louis thoughtfully. “Do they know me by name, or am I, like, Mr X or something?” He smiles at Harry and his eyes twinkle. “I always wanted to be Mr X.”

Harry laughs. “Sorry,” he says. “I’m not that clever. You’re just Louis.”

“Hmph, just Louis,” Louis huffs, and Harry laughs some more.

He scoots closer and pulls Louis in for a little cuddle. “As if you could ever be _just Louis_.”

Louis sniffs haughtily, dramatically, against Harry’s shoulder. “Thank you.”

“They all know you’re the most important person in my life,” Harry says softly and Louis tilts his head to look at him.

There’s a soft, pleased look on his face that Harry just wants to bottle and keep with him always. “You’re mine, too,” he says. “And if I had a forum full of friends, they’d know it too.”

Harry’s heart is thumping wildly and there’s levity in Louis’s voice, like he’s making a joke of it, but his face seems really close. They cuddle a lot and they’re usually this close but Harry doesn’t usually see this intensity in Louis’s eyes. Harry flashes back to New Years and a giant butterfly flaps its wings in his stomach.

Harry wants to kiss him, but that’s a terrifying and terrible idea, so he tries to carry a normal conversation. “I’ll settle for number one on MySpace.”

Louis smiles. “Always,” he says, like it’s obvious. “You own that spot.”

They’ve been number one in each other’s MySpace Top 8s for so long now, Harry can’t even remember who his was before Louis. They made a pact, sort of jokingly, that they’d never change it for anyone else, not even boyfriends or girlfriends. Harry vividly remembers Louis saying, “I don’t care if you get _married_ , I’m still number one!”

The joke is so reoccurring now, they both like to bring it up to show other people how strong their bond is. And it is partly a joke, but it’s also real to Harry. Louis _is_ his number one, will always _be_ his number one, and while it’s upsetting that Louis feels the same for different reasons, it’s definitely still satisfying to be so important to him.

“So do you,” Harry says softly, focused on Louis’s face.

Louis’s looking at him with this fierce fondness, like, Louis’s usual Fond Harry Face makes Harry feel loved and appreciated, but this feels stronger. And he’s so close, and Harry remembers what it was like to kiss him, and Louis’s fringe tickles his face, and—

A loud burst of voices startles them both so badly that Harry somehow jumps into Louis’s lap, and they’re clinging to each other and staring with wide, frightened eyes.

Harry looks around wildly, trying to figure out where the noise came from and if someone’s about to discover them. He hopes it’s just kids and not a teacher. The voices fade away though, and Harry and Louis sigh almost in unison.

Then Louis laughs, and so does Harry. He relaxes his grip on Louis’s arms.

“I think it’s okay, there’s not a rogue serial killer in the school,” Louis says, and Harry laughs, because even though he was just worried about getting caught, that is kind of how they’d reacted.

“Was probably just a football too close to the fence,” Harry reasons.

“Probably,” Louis says.

Harry thought the mood had been broken, but the same look is back on Louis’s face, and Harry realises that he’s effectively straddling Louis now. Fuck. Louis’s still holding him tightly by the waist, and Harry wants to fucking kiss him but he doesn’t want to muck things up. He’s still not sure if Louis even _wants_ to kiss him. He can’t make the first move.

But the tension and terror from this entire lunch break gets to him, and he sighs and falls forward against Louis so that their chests are pressed together. Apparently that’s enough of a first move, because Louis’s leaning in and fuck it feels like New Years but it also feels different, it’s broad daylight and they’re in their spot and Harry can’t help but find meaning where there probably isn’t any.

And then Louis finally kisses him and Harry immediately sinks into it. He feels the same as last time—there’s simmering anxiety about the risk he’s taking, but overall, when he kisses Louis, he feels like the disjointed puzzle pieces of his life slide into place. It feels perfect and right.

The bell rings faintly and Harry pulls away, feeling totally dazed. “Um,” he says.

Louis delicately fixes Harry’s fringe. “Was that okay?” he asks, a bit nervous but mostly just gentle.

“Yeah,” Harry says, honest for once. “It was nice.”

Well done, he tells himself. ‘Nice’. Honestly.

“Yeah, it was,” Louis says with a crinkly-eyed smile. Harry feels better about his word choices. “That was the bell, wasn’t it?”

“Shit, yeah,” Harry says, scrambling off of Louis and getting to his feet.

Louis helps him back over the fence so he doesn’t fall on his face and they head off to English Lit. Louis treats him like normal and Harry spends the rest of the day still in a daze, unable to think of anything except how it feels to kiss Louis and what it means. He has no idea what he’s supposed to do now.

*

 **. Louis . [think happy motherfucking thoughts] says:  
**thats a lot of deathcab and damien rice, you doing ok buttercup?  
**;; c'monangeldontyoucry__. xxH says:  
**um, dunno  
**;; c'monangeldontyoucry__. xxH says:  
**I guess, yeah lol I’m just feeling a bit emotional tonight  
**. Louis . [think happy motherfucking thoughts] says:  
**thats ok! do you wanna talk about it?  
**. Louis . [think happy motherfucking thoughts] says:  
**or do u want me to distract you?  
**. Louis . [think happy motherfucking thoughts] says:  
**or do u want me to leave u alone?  
**;; c'monangeldontyoucry__. xxH says:  
**haha :) I dont really wanna talk about it now. And like…. I just wanna hang out with you, I dont think I have much to say in terms of words? does that make sense?  
**. Louis . [think happy motherfucking thoughts] says:  
**yeh i get it. its ok, we can hang out in silence here if u want :) also u can tell me about it tomorrow if you want, or whenever. im always here xx  
**;; c'monangeldontyoucry__. xxH says:  
**thanks <3 dunno though, I might not come to college tomorrow, I don’t feel well. and its only half day  
**. Louis . [think happy motherfucking thoughts] says:  
**what! exactly!! its half day!! we go to frenchy!! its frenchy half day!!  
**;; c'monangeldontyoucry__. xxH says:  
**Lou, you’ll be going to work. I’ll be killing time in the library and I’ve already gotten this weeks kerrang.  
**;; c'monangeldontyoucry__. xxH says:  
**I feel poorly and I only have photography… its not worth the effort  
**. Louis . [think happy motherfucking thoughts] says:  
**no :( you fuckin better come tomorrow  
**;; c'monangeldontyoucry__. xxH says:  
**why?  
**. Louis . [think happy motherfucking thoughts] says:  
**coz  
**. Louis . [think happy motherfucking thoughts] says:  
**i need you  
**;; c'monangeldontyoucry__. xxH says:  
**you survive without me fine every other day I’ve missed college  
**. Louis . [think happy motherfucking thoughts] says:  
**i do not  
**. Louis . [think happy motherfucking thoughts] says:  
**i die  
**;; c'monangeldontyoucry__. xxH says:  
**ahahahahaha  
**;; c'monangeldontyoucry__. xxH says:  
**okay. you win. I’ll come to school  
**. Louis . [think happy motherfucking thoughts] says:  
**yeeeeeeesssss B)  
**. Louis . [think happy motherfucking thoughts] says:  
**knew u weren’t really sick B)  
**;; c'monangeldontyoucry__. xxH says:  
**>:O 

***

**17 april**

Harry doesn’t know what’s going on. After the kiss on Monday, his instinct had been to avoid Louis, to wall himself up far away to hide from inevitable rejection. Harry really doesn’t want to be present when Louis stomps on his heart.

Except that hasn’t happened. Not yet. And Louis won’t let him detach. On Monday night, when Harry just wanted to wallow in sad songs, there was Louis checking in on him. (And yeah, maybe Harry was trying to get his attention, just a little bit. He doesn’t know why he’s frustrated, it worked.) And then on Tuesday, half-day Tuesday that Harry had tried to fake sick to avoid, Louis was pointedly by Harry’s side every moment they weren’t in class.

Almost every Tuesday afternoon, Louis works at Toys’R’Us at Frenchgate, and Harry goes with him, buys Kerrang and sits in the library. Sometimes he reads actual books too, sometimes he does his coursework or attempts to write songs. If he’s really bored, he might go on one of their computers, but those usually aren’t free and they’re also really annoyingly slow.

He could just go home after second period Photography (he has a free period every Tuesday morning, it’s such a useless day), but the few times he has, he’s found himself even more bored. He likes spending the short drive with Louis, and sometimes they have time to get a cuppa at Starbucks or look at magazines together. When Harry goes home instead, he feels like he’s missing out on time with Louis. Also, he has to get Louis to drop him off home, and it’s slightly out of the way. And he usually wants to go to the shops anyway to buy Kerrang.

Harry’s tense when he meets Louis after Photography, and he’s lost in his feelings during the drive to Frenchgate, but otherwise it’s fine - startlingly normal, actually. They sing along to FOB and Brand New and Harry sneaks glances at Louis as he drives, the sunlight hitting him perfectly and making it look like he’s in a teenage road trip film. Louis gives him a cute little smile when he notices Harry looking, and Harry tries not to get all flustered and weird.

They walk into the shops together, and Louis gives Harry a hug before leaving him at the newsagents to go to work. There’s nothing unusual about any of it, and somehow that makes Harry’s heart ache more. He doesn’t know what to do with it.

He looks at the magazines and ends up buying the NME Awards issue, since it comes with a free DVD. He usually doesn’t like NME much, because they like to shit on bands he loves, but Robin had bought him this week’s Kerrang yesterday, and the other magazines seem boring this month.

He sits in the library and listens to his iPod and reads NME and tries not to think about Louis. NME named My Chem Best International Band, which is a surprise, and Panic Worst Band, which isn’t. But Gerard is their Hero of the Year, so Harry’s mollified.

It’s hard to distract himself, though. The day had just been so exceedingly _normal_ , and they’d _kissed_ yesterday. It shouldn’t be normal.

Harry thinks of New Years, and yeah, he had avoided Louis afterwards, but then Louis had behaved fairly similarly to now. It’s weird, he thinks, that Louis can just kiss him like it means nothing. Like, Louis obviously doesn’t want their friendship to change, but he also seems to want to kiss Harry, and Harry doesn’t know what to do with that.

He thinks about how Louis had said yesterday he was feeling single and lonely, and he wonders if that’s all it was. Just loneliness, and Harry was there.

It makes him feel awful, so he gives up on reading. All he wants to do is sit here and skip through the songs on his iPod until he finds something suitably depressing, but then he gets a better idea. He puts away his iPod and gets his Music book out of his bag, and then he spends the next couple hours writing down his feelings and trying to make songs out of them. By the time Louis’s shift is over and Harry has to go meet him, he’s got a solid one and a half songs, and he feels a bit better.

He still lets Louis do most of the talking in the car, listens to him rant about terrible customers and just murmurs his agreement. When Louis asks how his time in the library was, Harry tells him about the NME Awards and doesn’t tell him about the songwriting. He knows Louis would ask questions he couldn’t answer.

They’d gotten into songwriting together, last year - it was quite funny, actually, because it all started with them rewriting the lyrics to Meredith Brooks’ Bitch to be from the perspectives of MCR members. It was random as hell but also hilarious - _I hate the world today/hi I’m Gerard, what a depressing thing to say_ \- Harry smiles to himself just thinking of it. After that, they’d both tried to write their own songs, not often, but enough that they were getting better at it. And they usually shared with each other, but there’s no way Harry’s ever sharing what he wrote today with Louis.

Their Bitch rewrite is stuck in his head now, though. Louis’s not talking anymore, just humming along with the FOB song that’s playing quietly. So Harry says, “Know what I’ve got stuck in my head?”

“You know I can’t actually read your mind, yeah?” Louis says with a cheeky smile, looking at Harry out of the corner of his eye.

“You can’t?!” Harry asks, feigning shock, while he’s thinking _yeah, thank god for that_.

“No, so you should sing it,” Louis says, and Harry tries not to laugh.

“With pleasure,” he says, then - “ _My name is Frank and I’m a knob_ \- ”

“ _And my best mate’s name is Bob_ ,” Louis joins him after a burst of surprised laughter.

“ _I’m a guitar player by day_ ,” Harry sings.

“ _I have kissed Gerard Way_ ,” Louis sings.

“ _Watching Mikey on TV_ ,” Harry sings.

 _“Just feed me more coffee,”_ Louis sings.

“ _Just pour my latte, get my smokes and sit with Ray_ ,” they finish together, and then they crack up. Harry feels so much lighter it’s unreal.

“I can’t believe we still remember it,” Louis says through his laughter.

“I’ll never forget it,” Harry says. “I still have it all written down somewhere.”

“We should honestly record it, it’s a masterpiece,” Louis says, and Harry laughs and agrees.

When Louis drops him off home, Harry heads inside and realises he feels so much more _okay_ than he had in the library. He’s still confused, and a bit heart-broken that Louis just seems to want to be his friend. But their friendship is so special and important to Harry, and as long as they don’t lose that, he’s going to be fine.

***

**20 april**

**\- and if you believe there's not a chance tonight. xxH says:  
**kerrang has an interview with the used in which bert says that he drinks his own come because he heard it makes your voice better  
**\- and if you believe there's not a chance tonight. xxH says:  
**O_____o  
**\- and if you believe there's not a chance tonight. xxH says:  
**WHAAATTT THEEEE FUUCCCKK  
**louis . the best part of [believe] is the [lie] says:  
**AHHHH  
**louis . the best part of [believe] is the [lie] says:  
**WHAAATTT  
**louis . the best part of [believe] is the [lie] says:  
**OOOOMMMMGGGGG  
**louis . the best part of [believe] is the [lie] says:  
**MENTAL IMAGE GET IT OUT GET IT OUT  
**\- and if you believe there's not a chance tonight. xxH says:  
**ahahahaha  
**\- and if you believe there's not a chance tonight. xxH says:  
**i hope he’s joking  
**\- and if you believe there's not a chance tonight. xxH says:  
**i have yet to imagine it THANK GOD  
**louis . the best part of [believe] is the [lie] says:  
**i mean i understand having a taste but all i can think of is him drinking like a full cup of his own cum  
**louis . the best part of [believe] is the [lie] says:  
**gahhhh oh my fucking god  
**\- and if you believe there's not a chance tonight. xxH says:  
**i KNOW  
**\- and if you believe there's not a chance tonight. xxH says:  
**that was my exact reaction reading about it lmao  
**louis . the best part of [believe] is the [lie] says:  
**…  
**louis . the best part of [believe] is the [lie] says:  
**harry  
**louis . the best part of [believe] is the [lie] says:  
**i just saw what you’re listening to  
**louis . the best part of [believe] is the [lie] says:  
**why are you listening to the used  
**\- and if you believe there's not a chance tonight. xxH says:  
**:D?  
**\- and if you believe there's not a chance tonight. xxH says:  
**i thought you’d approve  
**louis . the best part of [believe] is the [lie] says:  
**i do NOT  
**\- and if you believe there's not a chance tonight. xxH says:  
**hahahaha  
**\- and if you believe there's not a chance tonight. xxH says:  
**alright it’s changed. happy?  
**louis . the best part of [believe] is the [lie] says:  
**NOT IF YOU KEEP LISTENING TO BERT 'I DRINK MY OWN FUTURE CHILDREN' MCCRACKHEAD

***

**3 may**

Louis’s met a girl on Myspace. She actually goes to their school, her name is Hannah and she’s in the year below, and she loves My Chem.

Harry hates her.

Okay, that’s a bit harsh. He doesn’t hate her, but he hates the situation, he hates how he feels about Louis having feelings for someone else. He hates how fucking pathetic it makes him feel.

He hates that Louis hasn’t really been talking to him about it. He’d told Harry the basics, but he and Myspace Girl had already been talking for a few days by then. And it’s been a week and - it’s so dumb, but Harry can feel his absence. He’s sure Louis isn’t talking to him as much as he used to.

And now Louis’s mentioned that he thinks he’s going to ask her out. Harry hadn’t known what to say, but thankfully they were talking on MSN, so he’d said, ‘aw good luck ! brb mum wants me’ and then sat staring at his computer and spiralling.

Harry wants Louis to be happy. If Myspace Girl will make Louis happy, then that’s what Harry wants. He just - fuck, obviously his heart doesn’t want anyone else to date Louis, but more than that, he doesn’t want to share him.

Louis comes back to MSN with a, ‘Hazza you there? she said yes :)’, and Harry _hurts._ He absolutely cannot pretend to be happy for Louis right now, so he just logs off and cries himself to sleep. He'll put on a happy face tomorrow, and he'll pretend everything is fine, but any hope he'd had that Louis might fancy him too has been obliterated.

 ***

**2 june**

“Zayn’s going to Download,” Harry tells Louis. Louis looks up from his copy of Kerrang.

They're sat in Louis's room, and it's been a little while since they've had some alone time. Hannah's around all the time at college and Louis's spending a lot of time with her afterwards as well. Add in his job and guitar lessons and coursework and baby-sitting his sisters, and it means Louis doesn't have much time for Harry right now.

He's honestly not sure if he feels replaced by Hannah or not. He hasn't been _happy_ this last month, and obviously, she's replaced him in terms of the sheer amount of time Louis's spending with her, but Harry doesn't feel replaced emotionally. He hates that Louis's dating someone else, of course, but he still feels important. Louis's made time for him today, after all, and also, Harry thinks Hannah resents their friendship a bit. Sometimes, if it's just the three of them at lunch or something, Harry and Louis have so much to talk about that she kind of becomes the third wheel. Harry's sure she'd rather he wasn't around.

“Is he?” Louis asks.

Harry nods. Then he sighs. “We were talking about meeting, finally. And I was so excited, before he got a ticket. But now…”

“It’s real and it’s scary?” Louis guesses, and Harry feels a wave of relief. He hasn’t ever mentioned how he’d feel about meeting Zayn to Louis, and he loves that Louis just _knows_. Just knows him so well. This is why he hasn't been entirely destroyed over Louis's new relationship; the strength of their connection has kept him going.

“Yeah,” he says with a nod. “I mean, it’s easy online, but I’m worried it’s going to be awkward. ‘Cause we’re both different in real life. And he knows so much about me, and he’s so _cool_ , and fuck, you’ve seen his Myspace yeah? He’s fucking beautiful, and I’m - ”

“You’re what?” Louis interrupts sharply, and Harry stops, not even sure what he was going to say.

“I’m me?” he offers.

“Harry Styles, if you’re suggesting you’re not the prettiest person in our entire college, I’ll ditch you for Zayn at Download.” Louis shakes his head. “Jesus fucking tap-dancing christ.”

Harry frowns a bit and squints at him. He’s sure he looks like an idiot, but he’s just confused. Louis’s aware that he goes to their college, isn’t he? Not to mention -

“You’re aware your girlfriend goes to our college, yeah?”

Louis rolls his eyes. “Yeah, she’s pretty too, obviously, but - you know _everyone_ thinks you’re fucking gorgeous, don’t you?”

Harry covers his flaming face with his hands. He doesn't know what to do with this _at all._ “Stop lying.”

He hears Louis gasp. Then he’s prying Harry’s hands off his face. “I’m fucking not! When have I ever lied to you? Why would I lie about this?”

Harry lets Louis pull his fingers away, and shrugs. “To make me feel better.”

Louis frowns. “I’m honestly a bit upset that you don’t see how good-looking you are,” he says, and he _sounds_ it, and Harry frowns too. He doesn’t know why they’re even talking about this, and he can't quite understand why Louis's so put out. It is nice, though, that Louis feels that way. He thinks Harry's good-looking. Part of Harry is absolutely thrilled by that.

“I mean, I don’t think I’m _ugly_ , I’m just nothing special,” he says anyway, because that's how he feels. Louis frowns harder and shakes his head. “‘M always spotty, and my nose is weird. Sometimes I think I look a bit like an alien.”

That makes Louis smile. “Maybe you do,” he says with a little giggle. “But you’re a beautiful alien.”

Harry giggles too, and Louis nudges him.

“I’m serious,” he says. “And besides, Zayn already loves you. And he knows what you look like, for fuck’s sake. And it _really_ doesn’t matter anyway.”

Harry screws his face up. “I s’pose, it’s not really that, it’s just, it’s all of it?”

“Well, I’m positive he thinks you’re cool, or else he wouldn’t want to meet you,” Louis says, which is very reasonable. “And I’ll be there! God, you know I can talk enough for all three of us.”

Harry laughs. “That’s so true.” He takes a deep breath. “Yeah, okay. You can save me if it’s horrible.”

“I will. But I won’t have to. Because he’s gonna love you and you’re gonna love him and then you’ll ditch _me_.” Louis makes an exaggerated sad face and Harry cackles and pulls him in for a cuddle.

“As if I would,” he says into Louis’s hair.

Later, when they’re dicking about on MSN, Louis asks Hannah to ask her friends what they think of Harry, and she comes back with a barrage of compliments from her friends who supposedly think he’s cute. Harry's very sure she doesn't like him much, so it makes even less sense that she’d lie about it, so he feels stupidly reassured.

It doesn’t make him feel anywhere near as good as Louis’s compliments did, though. He doesn’t need to think about why that is.

 *** 

**_MCR Forum - > Member’s Blogs -> Only slightly clever to just a certain extent… (H)_ **

**_snowghosts - 8:07pm, Sunday 10/06/07_ **

I’m home!!!! :D

**Downloooaaaddd festival.**

So me and Louis and my stepdad got to leicester on Thursday.. we left straight after school and the drive was fun, we made a bunch of mix CDs of the bands playing. Checked in to our hotel. it was good because my stepdad got a seperate room to us ^.^ i love him but it would’ve been weird if he was hanging about while me and louis raved about bands lol. It was so nice of him to take us though, he was just doing work in his room all weekend I think.

I’ve never been to a festival, let alone a 3 day one (well we only went to 2 days butstill), and neither has Louis, so we were both super excited but a bit scared too lol (esp because of all the talk of people bottling mcr). And I was scared about meeting Zayn, because i’ve never met anybody off here!!! and I’m a big chicken. But I was excited aswell, and then I spoke to Zayn about how we were both scared LOL, which made me feel better ^.^

Louis was literally showering me in compliments all week to build up my confidence lol, bless him. He’s the sweetest.

oh also that night Louis asked me how much Zayn knows about him and it like. slammed into me. That Zayn knows far too much ahah. Way more than Louis would ever expect. so I was just like ‘i dunno, he knows you’re my best friend :) I write about things we’ve gotten up to in my blogs. So he thinks you’re cool and obviously wonderful’ and Lou was like ‘oh obviously’ and didn’t seem weirded out ^.^

butyeah then i couldn’t stop thinking about how Zayn knows eeevvveeryythiinngg about how i feel about Lou and Lou has no idea and I was so worried Zayn would accidentally say something that would make Louis think i have feelings for him and AGH. and we were sharing a bed so I was just. super alert lol. luckily we had decided to go to bed early so I did eventually fall asleep and manage to get a good chunk of sleep. thankgod.

Friday was so fucking hot. omg. And we were both wearing all black :| I wore my Spiderman shirt cos I didn’t wanna get bottled for wearing a band one lol. Louis wore his Black Flag shirt cos he thought that would be safe XD ANYWAY! my stepdad dropped us off around when gates opened, so we got in fairly fast, like there were loads of people but we were moving quite fast. Zayn had said he’d try to get there when we did, but then he overslept XD classic. So for awhile I was waiting to hear from him lol.

We just wandered about for a bit to see where everything was. Buckcherry were playing lol, me and Louis used to like one song of theirs two years ago XD twas hilarious to see them but we didn’t stay to watch. Went and got MCR merch :D I got TBP hoodie that I wanted to get in March :D and Louis got an MCR shirt + a Download shirt. Then we cloaked them, could hear Hinder playing hahhahahah, then went and saw Saosin. They were so good!!! We’re not huge fans but I love ‘you’re not alone’ <3 and Lou loves ‘Finding Home’. So we really enjoyed those ^-^ Towards the end I got a text from Zayn saying he was in the line!!!! Suddenly was just so fucking excited and couldn’t wait for him to get there. We told him to meet us at the Dimebag stage cos we were staying there to see Paramore.

We had to wait through Porcupine Tree first though. I don’t know them, they were alright? honestly kinda ignored them cos then Zayn found us :DDDD We were sorta to the side of the stage so we had a good view but we were in the shade. So I think Zayn found us pretty easily. Lou and I were talking and then I saw Zayn walking over and was just like :O until he got to us hahah. It was just so weird!!! he’s a real person you guys!!!!

Um so i gave him the biggest hug right away because I always want to give him hugs haha. It was grand ^.^ Then I introduced him to Louis even though they obviously both knew who each other was. And Zayn was like ‘ohhhh… Louieeee…’ because apparently he’s always thought it was said Lewis XD Lou used to go by that at school so we talked about that a bit. And then we talked about who we wanted to see :) I was kinda annoyed because out of all the bands, I’d have liked to see Megadeth, which clashed with Saosin, and yourcodenameis:Milo who clashed with Paramore :/ so I didn’t really care what we did, but Lou and Zayn wanted to see Paramore and I know more of their songs than YCNI:M so i stayed with them. I mean I prob wouldn’t have gone off by myself butyeah.

So we planned to see Paramore then go to the main stage to wait for My Chem. I’m glad we saw Paramore cos they were so good!! I wouldn’t have said I’m a fan before but jeebus they’re fun!! They started with Misery Business which, I’ve said before is kinda like the evolution of Avril’s sk8er boi lol but it’s such a fun song, they went offfff and I think it went for longer than the actual song too. Hayley is so cute omg and I love her voice. also Jeremy is so cute!! They played Emergency and Hallelujah and ‘For a Pessimist…’ and we all just danced and had a great time :D

Thhheeeennn we trekked over to the mainstage to wait for My Chem :D We went around to Frank’s side of the stage, where people were spread out a tiny bit more, and we sorta moshed our way to the front XD Wolfmother were still playing when we got there, ugh don’t like them. And I don’t even know anything by Velvet Revolver. None of us cared about them but we wanted to move forward so we sorta moved with the crowd. And we talked a lot ^.^ It was just so cool to talk to Zayn irl. He’s the best. We were both more talkative than I expected! And it wasn’t awkward with Louis, correct me if I’m wrong Zaynie but I think they got along well ^.^ they’re similar in a way and it’s basically impossible to dislike either of them so it’s not like i’m suprised, it’s just nice ^.^

THEN MY CHEM CAME ON !!!!!1

and like, instantly bottles started raining on the stage. it was awful. And we were close to the front so they would sometimes land on us. I feel like I was tensed up the whole time expecting to get hit, some of the bottles were filled with rocks and I was worried either that one of us would get knocked out, or someone in the band would :( it was honestly scary how many there were. (it was cute though because Louis kept trying to block us from bottles/was holding his hands up over my head to shield me ._. he’s so cute especially because he’s kinda smaller than me hahah ._.)

ASIDE FROM THAT. it was so wonderful to see mcr again!!! i think we were closer last time but i still died 100x. They played: Dead!, How I Disappear, INO, Sharpest Lives, WTTBP, IDLY, Give Em Hell Kid (:DDDDD SO GOOD), house of wolves, teenagers, prison, disenchanted, mama, FLW, cancer, and helena. And they finished like 15 minutes early :( But we heard it wasn’t from the bottling, it was because the Dimebag stage barrier collapsed during Korn :|

There were these dickheads with a sign that I think said ‘fuck you mcr’ and the arseholes in the crowd were chanting it, and Gerard was like ‘ohhh do you want to fuck us?’ hahahaha.

AND! Frank kissed Gerard. It was very messy. Lol. SO the crowd were still being the fucking worst and were yelling out homophobic shit, so during INO Frank grabbed G and snogged him XD I never thought I’d see that in person!!! it was just surreal. Me and Zayn were like :O :O :O and Lou filmed it on his awesome new phone that can zoom :D I’ll have to upload it, Zayn was like ‘nobody on the forum will believe this’ and Lou was like oh :D I have video!! haha

Frank was totally hyper. Much as I fucking hate bottling, it’s just so disgusting, but I think I read them say they think they play better under conditions like that? Like it gives them something to fight against?? i dunno but Frank was on fire, he was all over the stage, way moreso than usual. It looked like he was in his element and seeing him like that felt special. (also my brain was just screaming ‘remember when you met him!! REMEMBER WHEN YOU MET HIM!!!!’ the entire time roflmao)

Butyeah. obviously the bottling sucked <_< There was a guy near us in a Slayer shirt who was yelling at people and getting them to stop, which was awesome especially because he looked like a big scary metal dude :| And we heard that people were getting kicked out of the festival for it, and it did seem like security were catching them out. We actually saw security tear up this guy’s wristband/ticket. Which felt like justice in a way haha.

Anyway they finished early like I said :( We still got a lot of songs and it was soooo good, despite the bottling. I just love them so much, seeing them live is my favourite thing :( That feels like a stupid thing to say to you guys cos obviously you all feel the same way. I’m just saying, they mean so much to me ._.

SO Zayn was only going to Friday, which meant he was planning on catching a train home, but I didn’t like the idea of him going alone in the middle of the night (lol at me) aaaand I didn’t want to stop hanging out with him so I asked if he wanted to stay at our hotel. The bed in our room was huge and Zayn would easily fit. After I said it I was like ‘oops maybe I should have asked Lou if he was okay with that’ and then he proved he was okay with it by offering to sleep on the floor if the bed wasn’t big enough ^-^ lovely boy.

So my stepdad picked us up. When I told him Zayn’s plans he was like ‘NO you should stay with us, there’s enough room’ which I basically expected ^-^ I’m so happy Zayn agreed cos I really didn’t want to stop hanging out with him ^-^

Back in our room. We talked about the festival and then about My Chem for 657 hours. It was so good. Zayn fits in with me and Lou so perfectly ^-^ ahhhh it just made me happy. Then we watched Kerrang! TV because the hotel awesomely had that channel, and talked about videos and bands some more. We were soooo tired but we wanted to keep talking aha. Eventually went to sleep. They made me sleep in the middle because they said that was the least weird way to do it <_< I ended up squashed against Louis because I was genuinely trying to give Zayn space and there wasn’t very much -_- Woke up in the morning with Zayn sprawled all over both of us though XD

He slept for aaaages, he’s not lying when he says he sleeps like the dead XD me and Lou got ready and fucking fiiiinnnaallyyy Zayn woke up, my stepdad drove us to Download and then he was gonna drop Zayn off at the station so we said our goodbyes :( it was so sad. I already miss him.

I wasn’t in a great mood that day because lack of Zayn + it was hot + I was annoyed at the festival goers for the bottling the day before <_< Plus that day was just less exciting. It was good but yeah. I’m glad we didn’t get Sunday tickets because I reallyyy wouldnt have been able to care less at that point.

We cared about 30stm the most that day. And they were on quite early. So we went straight to the mainstage. Had to sit through some of Aiden :/ ugh i cant stand wil francis, what a tool. But 30STM were awesome!! the Kill was so.fucking.good. naw I’ve always loved Jared Leto <3 So does my sister, we filmed it mostly to rub in her face XD lol I shouldn’t be mean, she’s the reason I love them :P

Then Bowling for Soup, who were hilarious. We screamed every word to 1985 XD then we left the mainstage because we don’t care about machine head or slayer and we were sick of metal fans :| We went and got food and watched Biffy Clyro. They were good, don’t know them well but still good. After that we went back to the main stage and watched Marilyn Manson and Linkin Park from afar. It was mostly for our amusement rather than genuine enjoyment lol, we know a lot of their songs so we sang to each other ironically XD ahhh I love Lou, he just gets me XD

Then it was over and my stepdad got us and we stayed in the hotel another night, we watched Mean Girls cos it was on telly XD we couldn’t stop laughing at the fact that we came back from a “metal” festival to watch mean girls XD then we went to sleep, checked out the next day, drove back home.

Aaaaannnddd that’s my VERY eventful weekend. I wish I could hang out with Zayn all the time :(

* * *

**_justsleep - 8:42pm, Sunday 10/06/07_ **

god you remember so much more than me. i love this. i love you. i’m so happy we finally met :) and it wasn’t awkward! and of course i wasn’t going to say anything about you and louis hahaha. though i did stop myself from making a ‘no shenanigans while i’m in the bed’ joke at the hotel ahahah. but yeah i did love him, he’s so friendly and fun :) he talks so much hahaha. i’m happy you thought i fit in with you :)

and HOLYFUCKINSHIT you guys are so cute. i’m surprised you didn’t notice me constantly internally awww-ing at you. _when he shielded you from the bottles_. oh my god. harry he literally acts like your boyfriend 24/7 i hope you know.

anyway, i miss you too :( *superflyingclingwrap to the face* thank you for letting me crash with you guys, i really appreciate it! and lol shut up about my sleeping habits, it was an exhausting day, lemealone.

<3333

ps. you give the best hugs xo

* * *

 

***

**16 june**

Harry’s at Dougie’s and he’s a little bit drunk. Dougie’s parents are away for the weekend and their house is full. It feels like half of sixth form is here, people have been coming and going all night—it might be the biggest party Harry’s ever been to.

Not that he’s been to very many. He’d rather stay in with Louis and watch LOTMS.

But he’s been having stupid giddy fun with Louis all night, playing silly drinking games and giggling together on the couch, but now he’s lost Louis and he’s sitting outside by himself for a bit. He came out here for some fresh air, because he thought he might throw up, but now he’s feeling better. There’s no one outside, and he’s sat in darkness on the edge of Dougie’s deck, looking at the leafy garden and the cloudy sky.

He’s thinking about Louis, because when is he not. Louis, who unexpectedly broke up with Hannah a few days ago, right off the back of his and Harry’s frankly quite lovely trip to Leicester. Louis, who’s been so fucking flirty with Harry tonight. He always gets like that when he drinks, a bit, even more affectionate than usual, and very focused. That’s the best way to describe it, Harry thinks, because Louis’s flirting doesn’t look like a lot of people’s. Sometimes it’s biting and almost painful, and sometimes it’s not what he says, it’s his intense focus that feels flirty. Sometimes Harry doesn’t pick up on it so well, or misinterprets it, but he definitely picked up on it tonight.

It’s upsetting him now because he doesn’t know what to do with it. Louis broke up with Hannah on Thursday after dating her for six excruciating weeks, and Harry’s existed in a very fragile bubble of hope since then. He feels like the way Louis was tonight gave him a bit more hope, and he doesn’t like it because it feels false. He’s worried he’s getting his hopes up, because he really doesn’t think anything is going to happen the way he wants it to.

Louis was probably just happy to be able to focus on Harry tonight, the way he used to without upsetting anyone.

Harry’s been fiddling with his phone as he thinks, and that thought upsets him enough that he opens it and finds his contacts. It takes him a minute, to be able to see the little screen clearly and navigate the buttons, but eventually he gets to Zayn’s contact. Harry stares at it for a moment, the lit-up screen swimming in his vision.

He and Zayn have never spoken on the phone. But he needs to talk to someone, and Zayn’s the only person who knows the extent of everything. And Zayn calms him down. And Harry misses him, somehow. Now that they’ve met in person, it doesn’t feel right that Harry doesn’t get to see him all the time. Harry takes a breath and presses the little green telephone button, hoping Zayn won’t mind.

The phone rings for what feels like several hours, and Harry’s on the verge of hanging up when Zayn answers. “‘Lo?” he says, his voice rough, and Harry suddenly realises that it’s probably an inappropriate time.

“Oh shit, I’m so sorry. Is it late? Did I wake you?”

“No, no,” Zayn says. “Like, yeah, I think it’s past midnight, but I’m up. I’m on the forum, talking to Niall.”

“Oh,” Harry says, extraordinarily relieved. “How is he?”

“Annoyed, he wanted to go out tonight,” Zayn says, sounding very fond. “He’s moaning about his friends.”

“Oh, Niall,” Harry says, fond himself. He’s glad his stupid impulses phoned Zayn; he feels better already.

“Are you alright, H?” Zayn asks. “You said you had a party tonight.”

“Mmm, ‘m at Dougie’s,” Harry says. “Might be a bit drunk.”

Zayn’s quiet laugh comes through Harry’s shitty phone speaker. “I assumed,” he says. “Are you alright?”

Harry frowns. “Not really, I suppose.”

“What’s wrong?” Zayn sounds so concerned, god Harry loves him.

He sighs. “Just Louis,” he says, and then he’s spilling the whole thing. Zayn already knows about the break-up and the hope, but Harry recounts the entire night for him so he’s caught up.

Zayn makes this exhaling sound when Harry finishes. “You’re a bit too in your head, mate,” Zayn says, and it makes Harry laugh when he’d been wanting to cry.

“Coming from you!"

“Well, yeah, I’m the authority on it, aren’t I? I can recognise it,” Zayn says. That makes sense. “Listen. I can’t tell you what he’s thinking, yeah, but I can tell you that if it’s worrying and upsetting you this much, you should talk to him.”

“But it’ll ruin everything,” Harry whines.

“No it won’t,” Zayn insists. “H, I know you don’t want to ruin your friendship, but I don’t think it will. Louis _loves_ you, and even if he doesn’t feel the same way, your friendship is strong enough to get past it. But I think he does feel the same. I think if you don’t talk to him, you might miss out on something great.”

Something great. Harry likes the sound of that.

“I’m still scared,” he says quietly.

“Of course you are,” Zayn says. “Jesus. It’s scary as hell. I just think you need to try. I mean—shit, I don’t think you should tell him your feelings right now, you’re drunk, that’s a terrible idea.”

Harry nods. “Yes. You’re right.” He’s glad Zayn said so, because he probably wouldn’t have thought of that on his own.

“Yes, so no feelings tonight, but soon,” Zayn says. “For tonight, you should just stop moping to me, and go and talk to him. Be his friend. Find out how he’s feeling about the Hannah thing.”

“But what if he says something I don’t want to hear,” Harry whispers. “What if he still loves her? Or what if he doesn’t want to be in a relationship again? Or what if—”

“Harry,” Zayn interrupts. “Knowing is better than not, innit? If you know how he’s feeling, you can adjust. At the moment you’re trying to adjust to twenty different possibilities.”

“Well,” Harry says, because Zayn’s right. Again. “Feels hypocritical, coming from you.”

“Yeah, so don’t be like me,” Zayn says. “Don’t stress so much over every possibility that you end up doing nothing and regret it.”

Harry takes a deep breath. Lets it out.

“That’s it, breathe,” Zayn says. “Breathe again for me.”

Harry does, and then twice more at Zayn’s encouragement.

“Feeling better?” Zayn asks softly.

“A bit,” Harry says. His chest feels a bit looser. He hadn’t realised how tense he’d been until he forcibly relaxed.

“You can do it,” Zayn says. “Just go and find him, see where he’s at, try to breathe. I just want you to spend some time with him, get out of your head a bit.”

“Okay,” Harry agrees, and when Zayn says it like that, it doesn’t sound so scary. “Thank you. I know we don’t talk on the phone, so maybe this is weird, and I’m sorry, but—I needed to talk to you.”

“I know,” Zayn says. “It’s okay babe. It’s not weird—it’s you. I probably wouldn’t want anyone else ringing me, but I want to help you. I don’t like the idea of you freaking out at a party by yourself, I _want_ you to ring me.”

Harry just feels relief and gratitude wash over him, and he wants to cry again. “I’m so lucky to have you.”

“Goes both ways, H,” Zayn says. Harry thinks he can hear his grin. “You make me feel that way all the time, you know.”

Oh God. “Stop it, I’m gonna cry,” Harry says, flailing a bit. “Why don’t you live in Donny?”

“Because the universe decided to place me in Bradford,” Zayn says.

“So close and yet so far,” Harry sighs wistfully.

“Yeah,” Zayn says with a laugh. “Harry, get off the phone and talk to Louis.”

Harry giggles, then has to double-check. “So all I have to do tonight is find out how he feels about the break-up.”

“Yes,” Zayn says. “But babes, I do think you should tell him about your feelings soon. I really do think it’ll be okay.”

Harry frowns, because he doesn’t know how Zayn can be so sure. The thought is so overwhelmingly scary to him.

“ _It will be okay_ ,” Zayn reiterates. “But if you need to ring me again, you can. I think Niall wants to pull an all-nighter, so I’m sure I’ll stay up with him.”

Harry brightens. “Ooh, I _should_ ring you later, then,” he says. “At about four AM maybe, when you start getting weird.”

“I do not get _weird_ ,” Zayn says indignantly. Harry laughs. “I’m always very cool.”

“The coolest,” Harry agrees. “Still weird.”

“Get off the phone, drink some water, stop insulting me,” Zayn says.

“It’s a compliment!!!” Harry protests. “I love weird Zayn!”

Zayn makes a huffy noise that could be a laugh, and says, “He loves you too. Now go.”

Harry laughs. “Okay. Give my love to Niall.”

Zayn laughs too. “Will do.”

Harry makes kissy noises at the phone and then hangs up. It takes him a moment to stand up, as his legs don’t really feel connected to his brain anymore, but eventually he gets on his feet and goes back inside.

There’s still loads of people, but it definitely seems like less than before. Harry wonders how long exactly he was outside for. He goes to the kitchen first to chug a cup of water, and then searches for Louis. He’s not in the kitchen or the parlour, so Harry heads into the less crowded lounge and finds him sitting in a large circle on the floor.

Louis’s face completely lights up when he sees Harry, and Harry’s heart contracts painfully.  Louis splays his legs open and pats the floor in between. “Harold! Come and sit with me!”

The attention of half the room is on Harry, then, and he awkwardly stumbles around people until he drops to the floor between Louis’s legs. Louis immediately pulls him closer, and then Harry’s leaning fully against him, taking sips out of Louis’s cup.

In an effort to distract himself from how couple-y it all feels, he tries to figure out what game they’re playing. It seems to be some combination of Truth or Dare and Spin the Bottle; Harry can’t understand it beyond that.

Dougie spins and it lands on a girl Harry doesn’t know, and while he’s deciding what to ask her for Truth, Louis says in Harry’s ear, “Where’d you go? Missed you.”

Harry has goosebumps from Louis’s voice and his breath and the fact that he cares. He turns his head a bit to whisper, “Outside. On the phone to Zayn.”

Louis’s mouth drops open. Harry wants to kiss him so bad. “What? Ring him up again, I wanna talk to him!”

Harry giggles, loving that Louis likes someone so important to him. “Later,” he says. “He’ll be up all night, it’ll be funnier later.”

Louis sadfaces, but he says, “Okay,” and seems to hold Harry tighter. “Playing this game, anyway, I s’pose.”

Harry looks back at the circle to see the bottle spinning, slowing down. It comes to a stop pointing directly at Louis’s foot, and everyone laughs.

“I was wondering how Louis would get chosen with Harry draped over him,” Danny says with a wink. “Guess the bottle figured it out.”

“It sure did,” says the girl who’d had to answer Truth before. Harry thinks maybe this was her turn. “Louis, Truth, Dare or Kiss?”

Her eyes are sparkling, and Harry wonders if Kiss means Louis would have to kiss _her_. He hates that idea. He’s gonna keep himself ‘draped over Louis’ to stop it from happening.

Louis feels a bit more tense than he did before, which makes Harry frown, and then Louis says, “Dare.”

The girl’s eyes seem to gleam even more, and she grins. “I dare you to snog Harry.”

Harry twists around to stare at Louis with wide eyes. He can’t grab onto a feeling long enough to figure out what he wants—it’s not the first time they’ve kissed, obviously, but - Harry doesn’t love the way the circle are ‘ooooh’ing at the suggestion, what happens with him and Louis is none of their business, but—he also loves the attention. His exhibitionist side loves the thought of people watching while he shows Louis how good it could be if they were together, and he’s tipsy, which makes that feeling stronger.

Another part of him wants to figure this out with Louis away from people’s prying eyes, and that part doesn’t love the idea of kissing Louis as part of a game. He wants it to be real.

Also, he’s never kissed a boy in front of people before, let alone in front of all these people he goes to school with. Even as part of a game, it’s terrifying as a concept. But they’re all smiling like they want it to happen, and Harry doesn’t _want_ to worry about it. He wants to be his gay self unabashedly and kiss the boy he’s in love with.

Louis looks conflicted, and then he grins. “Up to you, Hazza,” he says, and there’s so much warmth in his eyes that Harry cups his neck and leans in.

A few people actually cheer as Harry’s lips touch Louis’s, and Harry’s last coherent thought is that he’s glad he has open-minded friends.

It’s not as good as last time, they’re both holding back, well-aware of their audience, but it’s still _Louis_. Harry licks at Louis’s mouth because that girl did say snog, and Louis opens up instantly, his tongue sliding against Harry’s. Harry’s fingers slip further into Louis’s hair and he loses himself a bit, because this feels so _right_ , this is all he ever wants.

The room’s gone a bit quiet, which reminds Harry of their situation and forces him to pull away. He opens his eyes slowly, in a bit of a daze, and sees Louis looking much the same. Harry can’t stop looking at Louis, who’s quickly composed himself and is grinning at the people around him. “Well, how was that?”

“Dare thoroughly fulfilled,” says the girl who’d dared him, playfully fanning herself.

Harry’s uncomfortable with their stares, so he goes back to focusing on Louis.

“I’ve got the perfect Truth question for both of you,” says someone, Harry thinks it was Giovanna.

“Too bad it’s my turn,” Louis says cheerfully, gently manoeuvring Harry’s body so that he can reach over and spin the bottle.

It hits Danny, and Louis dares him to give Tom a lap dance, which is way more amusing and far less sexually charged than Harry and Louis’s little kiss had been.

They keep playing, but Harry feels more anxious with every spin that the bottle will land on him. If he picks Truth, he’s sure they’ll ask about his feelings; if he picks Dare, he might get dared to give _Louis_ a lap dance, which makes him hot all over just thinking about it; and if he picks Kiss he’ll have to kiss someone else. He doesn’t want to.

Louis’s hand is running over Harry’s arm, like he’s trying to get Harry to relax. He whispers, “You okay?” in Harry’s ear and Harry’s goosebumps come alive again.

Harry turns his head, nuzzling into Louis’s neck. “Don’t want it to land on me.”

He doesn’t see it, but he can hear Louis’s frown when he murmurs, “Then where’s the fun in playing?”

Harry pouts, which presses his lip against Louis’s skin, so he stops. “Guess I don’t wanna play.”

“Well then,” Louis says, and starts jostling Harry until he’s sitting up. “Harold’s tired, so I’m putting him to bed,” he announces to the room.

Harry does his best to look tired and drunk, because Danny says, “Yeah, sure you’ll put him to _bed_.”

“Shut up Daniel,” Louis snaps, getting to his feet and helping Harry stand.

“You can put him in my bed,” Dougie says, probably deciding from Harry’s inability to step around people without Louis’s help that he is quite drunk. “Just no sex there.”

“Don’t be stupid, look at him,” says Louis, and Harry thinks he should be offended or hurt, because what’s that supposed to mean? But he has to focus on walking, and getting away from all the people first.

He doesn’t even feel that drunk anymore. There are just too many people and not enough spaces to put his feet, and his balance is fucking dreadful on a good day.

When they’re finally in Dougie’s room, sitting on his bed with their shoes kicked off, Harry says, “Why’s it stupid to have sex with me? D’you think I’m not attractive?”

Louis looks stunned. “What?”

“Well, you said ‘look at him’.”

“Harold! We were trying to sell that you’re tired and drunk, remember? I meant I wouldn’t do stuff with you in that _state_.”

“Oh,” Harry blinks. Right. Okay. And he’s not even that drunk, but this is his chance to ask what he wants to know and blame it on the alcohol later. “So does that mean you would fuck me, then, otherwise? I mean, hypothetically?”

Louis’s mouth drops open and he huffs a surprised little laugh. “Where’s this coming from?”

Harry shrugs. It’s weird, probably, that he’s asking about this. It’s not exactly the conversation he wants to have with Louis. “Guess they got in my head. Just curious.”

“Hmmm,” Louis says. “Well, just so you’re not insecure about it, _hypothetically_ , if I didn’t think it would hurt our friendship, yes I would have sex with you.”

Harry’s heart leaps into his throat, thumping fast, and he suddenly feels much more alert. “I’d, um, me too.”

Louis giggles. “Good to know,” he says with a wink. “Bit weird conversation, this, innit?”

Harry smiles, leans back against the pillows so he’s not looking at Louis, and decides to be honest for once. His alcohol security blanket seems to be working well so far. “Not the first time I’ve thought about it, so.”

He hears Louis inhale, a bit sharply. Harry’s heart refuses to calm down.

“Really?”

“Well, yeah,” Harry says, trying to sound casual. “We’ve kissed, Lou, can’t be a surprise that I’ve thought about it.”

Louis relaxes a bit beside him, and he takes a few seconds before he speaks. Harry tries to compose himself. It’s good that they’re talking about it. That he feels kinda okay talking about it.

“I didn’t know… I didn’t know what those kisses were. If it meant anything.”

Harry thinks for a moment and remembers he’s not supposed to confess his feelings tonight. “I think it meant whatever you want it to mean. I’m easy.”

“Easy breezy beautiful,” Louis says absently.

“Cover girl,” Harry agrees.

Louis turns onto his side, so his whole body is facing Harry. “I was a bit worried, y’know. If it changed anything for you.”

Harry doesn’t know what that means—if it means Louis was worried Harry had developed feelings for him, or if he was worried it had affected the friendship. He goes with the truth either way, “It didn’t.”

“Okay,” Louis says quietly, and Harry wonders what he thinks he means, but he’s too afraid to ask.

Harry tries to think of a suitable subject change, and then blurts out, “Why’d you break up with Hannah?” because he’s an idiot.

“Oh, um,” says Louis. “I don’t know, like. It was alright, yeah, with her? But it wasn’t exactly what I wanted.”

“Oh,” Harry says. His heart is fucking yearning, stupidly hoping that what Louis wants is _him_. “And, um, how are you feeling? I’m sorry I haven’t asked yet.”

“That’s alright, babe, you’ve been busy,” Louis says, and Harry frowns, because that’s not exactly true. He was in his guitar lesson when Louis gave him the news, and he’d had to work yesterday, and he’s got an assignment due—but that’s not the reason he hasn’t asked. Normally he’s never too busy for Louis, and he hates the idea of Louis thinking he is. “I’m… yeah, I’m okay.” Louis shrugs. “Wasn’t working, so. It is what it is.”

Harry remembers the other thing he wanted to ask. “How do you feel about—like. Do you not want to be in a relationship?” He steels himself for the answer.

“Oh, no, no, I do,” Louis says quickly. “I just want it to be the right person.”

That’s. That’s basically the best answer Harry could have hoped for. “Mmm, makes sense. Me too.”

Louis nods, and Harry’s super aware of Louis’s arm around his waist, Louis’s hand absently stroking his hip. Harry closes his eyes.

He hates himself for what he’s about to ask, but he needs to know. He’s been angsting over it for the past month or so, unsure of how to ask, desperately not wanting to know the answer. Now that Louis isn’t with Hannah, somehow it’s a bit easier. It’s not an ongoing thing anymore. “Did you have sex with her?”

“I’m, I, uh,” Louis stutters, clearly caught off-guard. “No. I—she said she wasn’t ready, and I didn’t really know if I was, so.”

Harry’s heart instantly feels a hundred times lighter. He feels like his heart is actually floating above his body.

“Oh,” he says. And then he registers what Louis actually said, and sits up a bit to look at him. “Oh. I thought you were. With her, and, I mean, ready.”

Harry can see Louis’s fond smile in the darkness. “I think I am ready,” he says. “If it’s the right person.”

Right. Okay. There’s that ‘right person’ again. And Louis’s looking at Harry so intently, and Harry just—fuck. Sometimes he feels like they don’t have to talk to understand each other, and he hopes now is one of those times. He hopes Louis’s saying what he thinks he is.

“You said you’d have sex with me though,” Harry points out.

“I, yeah,” Louis stutters, obviously flustered. Harry’s fairly sure he understands what’s going on now. “I mean, if I thought it wouldn’t hurt us. Yeah, I’d be ready for that.”

Harry turns to face him, sliding a bit until they’re so close their noses touch. “You think I’m the right person?”

Louis exhales and Harry feels it on his mouth. It smells like rum and _Louis_ , and Harry wants to kiss him so badly he’s aching.

“I mean, yeah,” Louis says softly. “I don’t trust anyone the way I trust you.”

Harry’s heart is beating a hummingbird rhythm through his veins. He knows he’s on the edge of something really important. “I think you’re the right person too,” he whispers, and Louis breathes shakily.

“Do you mean that?”

“Yeah,” says Harry, never meaning anything more in his life.

“Do you think it would ruin our friendship?” Louis asks, and Harry’s hopes sink, just a bit, because clearly the idea of them actually being together isn’t even a possibility for Louis. But having this—having Louis _want_ to sleep with him, it’s more than Harry thought he’d ever get.

He wants to marry Louis, but he’ll settle for this. He _wants_ this. He wants Louis to be his first, to be _Louis’s_ first.

“No,” Harry says. “I don’t think anything could ruin our friendship.”

He doesn’t know if he believes that, but he wants it to be true, and Louis’s nose is brushing against his and Harry’s heart is jackrabbiting in his chest. He’s too overwhelmed by how much he wants this to know if it’s a bad idea.

“I like kissing you,” Louis says, softly like an admission. “I wanna kiss you, like, all the time.”

“You should,” Harry says, embarrassingly breathless. “You should kiss me.”

So Louis does, his lips sliding onto Harry's and his tongue licking inside, and it gets heated almost immediately. After a few minutes, Louis's got him pinned to the bed and Harry's wriggling against him, and then they pull away simultaneously, Harry's sure.

“What are we doing?” Harry asks as they catch their breath, staring at each other. “Is this stupid, are we too drunk?”

“I don’t know, probably, and I don’t think so,” Louis says, and then he smiles. “That was very quick-witted of me, we can’t be too drunk!”

“Pointing it out was pretty drunk of you, though,” Harry says. To be honest, he really doesn’t feel too drunk to be kissing Louis. He just feels like he’s given the part of his brain that suppresses all of his desires and emotions the night off. Like the alcohol or even just the party itself are excuses to do things he’s too scared to do otherwise.

He doesn’t want to have actual penetrative sex with Louis tonight, like this. No. He doesn’t care that much about his virginity, but he wants to be sober when he makes the decision to do it at least. And he wants to do it with Louis, but… not here, in Dougie’s bed. Not like this. Not when Louis just broke up with someone else.

And… jumping straight to anal seems terrifying in any context. Harry’s such a total virgin, he feels like he’ll need months of build up before he’s ready, and honestly the idea of making out with Louis and maybe getting to touch his dick has him almost fully hard, so.

Harry doesn't really know how to get to that point, though, so he tilts his head back against the pillows and asks, totally casually, “What did you do with Hannah?”

Even in the dark, Harry can see Louis's eyebrows raise. “Do you really wanna know?” 

“Mhm. Yeah.”

“Okay. Well we kissed a lot.”

“Like this?” Harry finds a burst of courage, leaning in and kissing Louis as thoroughly as possible without just shoving his tongue down his throat.

“Mm. No, this is better,” Louis says after he pulls away, sounding a bit dazed. Harry feels absurdly proud and mollified. _This is better_.

“Did you do more than that?” Harry manages to ask.

“She tried to give me a handie once,” Louis says with a wince. “But she was really, like, shy, and I didn’t want to push her and so it was awkward, she couldn’t get a good angle to actually reach my dick. I ended up pretending I came in my pants just because it was weird and I wanted it to be over.”

“Jesus christ.” Harry can't quite believe what he's hearing. The stupidest part of his brain decides that Louis deserves a proper hand job.

“I know. I feel bad.”

“Don’t. God. Would it be a stupid, drunken, friendship-ruining mistake if I gave you a proper hand job? Like, it’s what friends do, innit?”

“What’s a handie between mates,” Louis says. “Or so gay porn would have me believe.”

Harry giggles. “I mean, yeah,” he says. “Exactly.”

***

**17 june**

**to: zaynie  
** **halp I had sex with Louis last night**

 **from: zaynie  
** **…  
** **what the fuck harry  
** **did u tell him how u feel**

 **to: zaynie  
** **no :( we just, we wanted to? It just kinda happened**

 **to: zaynie  
** **not full sex btw, just hand stuff, but still**

 **from: zaynie  
** **urgh harry i dont need details**

 **from: zaynie  
** **so… what? did u talk about it this morning**

 **to: zaynie  
** **not really? We kissed a bit and he had to leave early to take his sister somewhere. I went back to sleep.**

 **to: zaynie  
** **I felt ok about it when he was there but now I’m home and I feel so ill**

 **from: zaynie  
** **why? what are u thinking?**

 **to: zaynie  
** **mostly I’m embara** **ssed. I think I was really obvious about how I feel? And he doesn’t want the same thing, he made that clear. I just feel like I exposed too much.**

 **to: zaynie  
** **And we were drunk. He probably thinks it was a big mistake**

 **from: zaynie  
** **wat does he want? friends with benefits? r u ok with that?**

 **from: zaynie  
** **harry, u need to ask him what he thinks instead of always assuming. u can be casual about it, jst text him ‘hey, jst wondering if u think last night was a mistake, bc i dont’**

 **from: zaynie  
** **u dont know wat hes thinking and he doesnt know wat ur thinking**

 **to: zaynie  
** **I think that’s what he’d prefer, that or we go back to normal? I could be okay with it. It’s not ideal but I just want him**

 **to: zaynie  
** **I know you’re right but it’s hard**

 **from: zaynie  
** **do it h. he loves u. he’s ur best friend. he’s prob worried too**

 **to: zaynie  
** **I’ll try. Thank you .xx**

 **from: zaynie  
** **its wat im here for :) xo**

*

Sunday night comes and Harry still hasn’t reached out to Louis. He’s just so scared. And he knows Zayn’s right, that he’s probably making himself sick over nothing, that it makes no sense to worry this much when he doesn’t _know_. When he knows Louis wouldn’t mind Harry asking how he feels.

It’s just that last night, he’d felt so _seen_. He often feels that way around Louis, but last night it was so much more, and if he’s honest, it’s freaked him out. He’s got so much bottled up inside him that he’s terrified it all leaked out, and he just wants to float away and never come back.

He can’t stop agonising over what Louis thinks of him now. The worst option, probably, is that Louis thinks Harry’s in love with him, and _pities_ him for it. Because it’s the truth.

But at this rate, if he doesn’t text Louis tonight, he’s not going to be able to go to school tomorrow and face him.

He drafts a text, and then he goes on the forum to see Niall in the Talk About Random Stuff thread, chattering away about Derby to himself. Harry drops in with his draft text, asking his opinion, and Niall strongly approves. Then Zayn appears with a ‘Harry have you still not spoken to him? SEND THE FUCKING TEXT’, and it amuses Harry enough to quiet his nerves about pressing send.

 **to: Lou x.x  
** **Heeeey. Just wondering how you feel about last night. Was worrying you think it was a mistake, because I don’t xx**

He throws his phone on his bed once he hits send, so anxious he can’t even look at it. He has to wait several excruciating minutes for a response, and Niall and Zayn distract him until finally his text alert chimes. Harry scrambles for his phone.

 **from: Lou x.x  
** **Hey! I don’t either! I don’t want you worrying. I do think we have to talk about some stuff but I feel okay. Maybe it wasn’t very smart of us but I don’t think it was a mistake x x**

Harry’s so overcome with relief that he can’t help it, he posts ‘he doesn’t think it was a mistake he just thinks it wasn’t very smart and we should talk about it !!!’ in the Random thread, not caring that the whole forum is subjected to his personal dramas. That’s half the point of the forum, and they all already know what happened last night.

Zayn says, ‘he’s right it wasn’t very smart. lol but happy for you, told you :P’ and Harry laughs.

He replies to Louis with **‘Agreed, and yeah we do need to talk but it’s ok xx’** , and then his nerves finally settle for the first time all day, and he feels exhausted enough to go to sleep.

*

**18 june**

The next day is awful. Harry runs late on purpose so that he has to get a lift to college with his mum, because despite the texts, he’s not ready to be alone with Louis.

He doesn’t even remember the last time he went to college without Louis. Probably not since Louis got his license. That makes him feel worse.

He gets to college right on the bell, which means he has no time to find Louis before classes even if he wanted to. And then he has Law, which Louis isn’t in, and his teacher keeps him late at recess to talk about how well he’s doing and to give him advice for the exams. It’s nice of her, but Harry’s itching to see Louis by now, so he’s extra annoyed when he runs into his Sociology teacher who wants to talk to him about the same sort of thing. Then he runs into someone from his Music class who wants to chat about their major works.

He hasn’t even reached his group’s spot when the bell rings for his next class. Harry shoves a banana in his mouth on the way, and then he has Photography, which Louis also does not have.

Harry makes it out of Photography on time for the next recess break, but when he gets to their group’s spot, he sees Louis and fucking Hannah standing and talking with the other guys. It’s like a slap in the face—they’re not touching, not acting couple-y at all, but her mere presence has Harry reeling, especially when _he’s_ the one who touched Louis’s goddamn _cock_ thirty-six hours ago, not her.

He doesn’t understand why she’s here.

Harry doesn’t want to talk to her, or to Louis when he’s with her, so he heads over to where Giovanna and her friends are sitting, on the seats beside their little area. She’s lovely and she doesn’t bat an eyelash at him joining, and Harry stays with her for the rest of recess. While Louis stays with Hannah.

Third period is Sociology, and Harry knows Louis has his free now—this Monday is really his shittiest day, when he thinks about it, all he has with Louis is afternoon English Lit. Harry wallows in his feelings for a bit of the lesson, but by the time lunch comes around, he’s resolved to talk to Louis.

And then Louis’s nowhere to be seen, and Danny says he’d seen him leave during his free. Harry spends lunch hoping he’ll come back—and he’d used up all his credit yesterday, so he can’t even text him—but he doesn’t. And then he doesn’t show up for English.

Harry walks home. It’s a long walk, but he doesn’t want to bother his mum again, and he’ll take any endorphins he can get.

*

**19 june**

Harry’s useless the next day. Truthfully, he’d been useless the night before too, switching his MSN to ‘appear offline’ so that Louis wouldn’t talk to him, but watching Louis’s Listening To change. He's listening to a lot of Taking Back Sunday and Brand New, apparently. That’s not exactly unusual, so Harry’s not sure what that means.

By Tuesday morning, Louis hasn’t tried to contact him, and Harry physically cannot leave his bed. He knows he’s being pathetic, but he _feels_ pathetic, and he just can’t handle another day of struggling to be normal.

He thinks he’ll feel better if he could just talk to Louis, but that’s part of the problem. He can’t. He’s scared by the depths of what he wants from Louis - it’s so much, it feels like more than what anyone should be capable of feeling. And that embarrasses him, makes him feel too obvious, too exposed.

Talking to Louis would make him feel better about some things, but ultimately, Louis doesn’t have the same depths of feeling for Harry. In some way, Harry’s going to be rejected, and even if he’s definitely okay with a friends-with-benefits type thing, he needs to get himself ready to face the rejection that comes with it. He’s not ready yet.

So he tells his mum he’s sick, and after she goes to work, he decides to start the day by watching LOTMS. He hopes it’s going to make him feel better, because it’s like a comfort thing for him now, but he ends up feeling even worse. Every word makes him think of Louis.

Although, watching the section with Bert from The Used sparks Harry’s interest now that Lies For The Liars has been released. It’s their latest album and it’s clearly about Gerard, Bert and Quinn keep bringing him up in interviews.

The Used and My Chem have this weird history—they used to be friends, and then they fell out, years ago, and now Bert’s written this album and reignited the feud, apparently. Harry’s never been that into The Used, and the way Bert’s been behaving over the last year has made Harry actively dislike him. He’s been staunchly on Gerard’s side, and he couldn’t stand that Bert kept trashing one of his favourite people.

Louis feels the same way; just a couple months ago, they'd been at Dougie's, and he'd recently added a large poster of The Used to his collection on his walls. Louis had objected to it and Dougie said he didn't like them that much, he didn't know why he'd put up the poster, so he'd let Harry and Louis vandalise it. Louis drew dicks all over it and Harry wrote creative insults for each band member. 

Except Jepha. He’s always thought their bassist Jepha was hot, that’s his one concession.

But now they’ve released Lies for the Liars, so after watching LOTMS, Harry decides to give it a proper listen and search the MCR gossip comm for more details. It’s the perfect distraction from his feelings.

The Bird and the Worm starts, which has been everywhere lately, and by rights, Harry should hate it. Like the majority of the album, Harry thinks it’s pretty clearly about Gerard. But his stupid gay heart is starting to love it, because he sees it as confirmation that Gee and Bert were really a Thing, which confirms his headcanons about Gerard’s sexuality, which. Makes his stupid gay heart really happy.

Harry abandons the mcrumorcontrol LJ to hunt through the INOK boards. He knows there’s a massive thread about Bert and Gerard, he’s just never really cared to look at it before.

He spends the day reading through that thread, watching videos of Bert, and listening to The Used songs in a different light (and wow, Sound Effects and Overdramatics is obviously gay and it’s Harry’s new favourite song). It’s crystal clear to him that Bert and Gerard either had a thing, or Gerard broke his heart somehow. Bert’s way too goddamn weird about My Chem, Harry doesn’t care that he has a girlfriend.

The aftermath of his Gerard/Bert spiral is that now he finds Bert endearing, and he likes their music loads more. He doesn’t even mind seeing Bert shit-talk Gerard, since it’s obvious now that he’s just hurt.

But he hasn't successfully distracted himself from Louis, since it's almost impossible for him not to compare their situation with his own. Not that they’re very similar, but there’s always this niggling fear in the back of his brain that he could lose Louis. Every time Harry’s kissed him it feels like a giant risk, and one step closer to getting his heart broken.

And every time they’ve kissed, Harry’s had this combination of anxiety and anticipation. Like now Louis finally knows how Harry feels and something might happen. But then nothing does happen. And Harry can only assume that’s because Louis doesn’t want it to.

But even when Louis does break his heart, Harry can’t imagine not still loving him. Harry has sympathy for Bert, but he can’t imagine himself shit-talking Louis to anyone. Louis could stomp on Harry’s heart and Harry would defend his right to do it.

Louis would never hurt him on purpose, though. That’s the other part of it. Harry could never hate Louis the way Bert seems to hate Gerard, no matter what happens. They’re not Gerard and Bert, they’re Harry and Louis, and Harry thinks they can work it out. He’ll go to college tomorrow and talk to Louis, and he’ll tell Louis they need to prioritise their friendship, whatever they do.

And then that night, Louis’s Myspace changes to say he’s in a relationship,  **hannah hxc™** has left him a comment calling him her boyfriend, and Harry shuts down.

***

**27 june**

The following week is probably the worst Harry’s felt since his family first moved to Doncaster in 2004. He was fourteen, halfway through the first term of year nine, and Harry had liked his old school and loved his friends. He’d grown up with the people there, and he’d lived in that house all his life. Moving away was physically painful for him.

His mum’s whole family were in Cheshire, and so was his dad; his mum had kept Harry’s childhood home after the divorce, but they’d seen him frequently—Harry remembers her complaining about it, actually, because they used to run into him at the shops. They moved to Doncaster because that’s where his mum’s then-boyfriend, now-husband lived, and she’d thought they could all do with a fresh start.

Harry could have absolutely done without. He felt torn away from his home, his family and friends, and he was bitter and upset about it for a long time. The only person he wasn’t angry with was Gemma, and she became his rock during that time, the only person he would go to for comfort or to vent at. He didn’t want to fight with his mum—he’d hated even feeling upset with her—so he’d spill all of his bottled-up feelings to Gemma, and she made him feel validated. Truthfully, that time period strengthened their relationship in a really meaningful way. As much as Harry wishes he hadn’t had to go through all that emotional turmoil, he doesn’t know what he and Gemma would be like without it.

It wasn’t Gemma who ultimately made him enjoy living in Doncaster, though. Well, she helped, but after a month or so of bitter loneliness, Harry had met Louis at the skatepark down the street. He was there with his sisters, teaching them how to skateboard. There weren’t many other people there, which was why Harry was—he used to take his discman there when it was mostly empty, and sit on Gemma’s old skateboard and mope by himself. Usually when his mum was telling him he needed to get outside more.

That day, the gang of older boys Harry tried to avoid weren’t there, only two year eight girls trying to teach each other tricks, and Louis with his sisters. Harry had tried not to stare at him, because his entire modus operandi there was to avoid interacting with anyone, but he hadn’t been able to help it - even Louis’s awkward, skate punk/pre-emo phase was beautiful to him. He’d just looked so cool, but he obviously had this soft side, as he was helping these little girls balance on his skateboard. Harry was transfixed.

Eventually, Louis had noticed him looking, and he’d asked what Harry was listening to. Harry never shared his music with anybody, back then, too worried about being scoffed at, but somehow he’d given Louis an earphone. He’d been listening to an MCR song, because Three Cheers had come out a few months prior and he was obsessed with it. He still remembers that the song was Thank You For The Venom, and he remembers the way his heart had pounded as he’d waited to see Louis’s reaction, if this seemingly cool, obviously gorgeous boy would like his favourite band or hate them.

Louis’s face had lit up, and he’d said, “Is this My Chemical Romance? I love their new album!”

So then Louis had shepherded his sisters over to the lacklustre play equipment, and he and Harry spent the afternoon listening to the rest of Harry’s mix CD, which was mostly MCR with a bit of Fall Out Boy, Dashboard Confessional, Bright Eyes, and Brand New (because despite what Louis thinks, Harry has loved certain Brand New songs for longer than he’s even known him). Their tastes in music seemed so exact that Louis said they were meant to be friends. He’d made Harry swap MSN addys with him and promise to make each other mix CDs with all of their most favourite songs.

And then it turned out Louis only lived down the road, and obviously they went to the same school. Harry felt like the universe had pushed them together.

Because Gemma made living in Doncaster bearable, but Louis made it _good_. As they got to know each other, Harry felt more and more okay with the move, until one day he and Louis were best friends, inseparable, Harry was probably half in love with him already, and he realised that if they’d never moved, he wouldn’t have Louis. And he couldn’t stand the thought. It was the first time he’d felt properly glad for moving.

Now he feels like he’s right back where he started. He’s fourteen and lonely and he can’t escape his own negative thoughts. He feels like there’s a black hole right behind him, sucking out the goodness in his life. He’s spending more and more time alone in his room, in the dark, listening to sad music and scrolling through Livejournal. He reads Frank/Gerard fic and cries because he’s not going to get a happy ending. He’s a stupid teen angst emo cliché, but he can’t help it. He’s fucking heart-broken.

Gemma’s at uni and his mum’s busy with work, which leaves Zayn as Harry’s only source of comfort. And he’s been great, but he exists online. Harry sometimes just needs someone to give him a cuddle when they tell him it’ll be okay.

Also, Zayn’s got his A-levels coming up, just like Harry, so Harry doesn’t want to bother him while he’s studying.

(He also doesn’t want to cry to Zayn too much, because Zayn worries, and Harry can tell he’s furious about this situation. When he’d figured out that Louis had broken up with Hannah for only four days, had gotten off with Harry in that time because he wasn’t getting off with Hannah and then had gone back to her once he realised Harry wasn’t who he wanted—yeah. Zayn was furious, and Harry likes having someone care that much about him, but he doesn’t like anyone being angry with Louis. Harry knows half of this is his fault, he knows he didn’t communicate his feelings well, and he doesn’t want to assume Louis’s motives. But… it’s nice that Zayn sees why this stings.)

A-levels are also a problem. Studying has been okay, a nice distraction sometimes, but in a month, Harry will finish school forever. He doesn’t plan on going to uni, so there’s not a lot of point going on with year twelve and thirteen, especially since Louis isn’t. Louis is well and truly over school, and he’d said this year would be his last, long before he and Harry had decided to pursue music however they can.

That was before everything, though. Harry doesn’t know what the plan is, anymore, and that’s part of what’s making him feel horrible. It’s bad enough that school’s ending. Harry’s over the education system, definitely, he’s newly outraged every day that so much of a person’s measure of worth in society and chances of succeeding are based mostly on how well they can memorise facts—but it’s also obviously been such a huge part of his life, and he’s not ready to move on—but to be ending it in this weird limbo with Louis, where they’re not really talking, just feels wrong. And without Louis, Harry doesn’t know what his future looks like.

With Louis, the plan had been to move to London or Manchester together, get shitty jobs in the music industry and maybe start a band. It wasn’t a strong plan, but that didn’t matter—it felt solid to Harry. That was what he wanted to do.

Without Louis… it feels so much less solid. He can’t move to a strange city by himself and do it all alone. He just can’t. Which makes his alternative… asking for full time at the bakery and staying at his mum’s until he dies? That’s not possible either.

He doesn’t know what to do, and July is looming closer and closer. Harry's feeling worse with every passing day.

If he could stand to be around Louis, it could be okay. With time, their friendship could be salvaged, and their future back in place. But being around Louis at the moment hurts way too much. Harry’s taken to spending recess and lunch in the art or music rooms, working on his major works, so he only sees Louis during English Lit and Music, where they awkwardly avoid talking.

And one other time. On Monday, at lunch, Harry had been in the music room with his guitar, figuring out the chords on his original song. He has to submit one original and one cover for his major work, and his original song needs a lot more work. He’d been thinking about whether to scrap the bridge and start again, so he hadn’t noticed Louis come in. He’d jolted at the sound when Louis picked up his own guitar, and Louis had given him a sheepish smile. Then he’d asked how Harry had been, and Harry said, “Great. Busy,” and Louis had nodded and said him too.

He’d sat a few desks away and started tuning his guitar, and Harry had tried to re-focus on his own work, but Louis started to play a hauntingly pretty tune, and Harry was sufficiently distracted. He couldn’t help asking, “Is that your major work?” because he didn’t _know_ \- last he knew, Louis was tossing up between a few of his unfinished songs.

“Maybe,” Louis said with a frown. “Not sure yet.”

“We only have a week left,” Harry pointed out, completely unnecessarily. “That one sounds good.”

“It has to be better than good,” Louis said, which made Harry think _typical perfectionist_ , and it made him pause.

A few weeks ago, that’s what he’d have said, and Louis would’ve smiled and said his procrastination would be his undoing, and then Harry would’ve helped him with the song. Now it didn’t even feel okay to offer. And Harry didn’t want to—awkwardness aside, it felt like a specific kind of torture to help Louis write a pretty song and know it was most likely for Hannah.

So Harry said nothing, and Louis said nothing, and they worked as quietly as possible on their own songs until the bell rang.

It was painful to even be in Louis’s presence. It’s bad enough in class, where they’re surrounded by people and can be distracted with work. Being alone with him was something else, and that experience on Monday told Harry he was right to avoid it at all costs.

It just hurts so much. Harry had known Louis didn’t return his feelings, but he’d thought Louis was attracted to him enough. He’d been prepared for Louis to say that he didn’t like Harry romantically, but he still wanted a friends with benefits kind of thing. That seemed like the direction they were heading in, and Harry sort of came to terms with it. Obviously he wished Louis would like him back, but he’d settle for friends with benefits. He could be okay with that.

Instead, Louis completely dropped him for someone else. His ex-girlfriend. Who he said he didn’t feel right with. Somehow that relationship is better than whatever Harry can offer, and Harry can only assume it’s because Louis likes Hannah more than he likes Harry. And that stings so badly that Harry can’t think clearly when Louis’s around.

Harry wants to talk to Louis about it, to know what he's really thinking, and he wants to make things right for the sake of their friendship, at least. Because Louis lights up Harry’s fucking life and Harry can’t give that up. But he doesn’t know how to talk about it, can’t think through his sadness, can’t even organise his feelings because he has so many. One moment he’s thinking about how badly he’s hurting, pining away, and the next he just wants Louis to be happy. When they're around other people Harry thinks decisively that he just wants to be Louis’s friend, but then Louis will meet his eyes and Harry doesn't want whatever it is between them to be over.

The pining and longing and emotional whirlwind of it all is agonising, and Harry wishes he had a solution. He can’t be with Louis, but he doesn’t know how to get over him, and while he’d love nothing more than to be able to put it aside and save their friendship, he can’t give up on the feeling he’s had for so long now. That he and Louis are meant to be together.

Maybe he just needs to see this as a bump in the road. It’s just hard to see the positive side of anything without Louis.

He’s been spending a lot of time on Myspace lately—at first he was posting vague, sad bulletins with angsty music or poetry, mostly because he knew Louis would see them, and then he ended up getting a lot of people asking if he was okay or saying they felt the same way. It’s made him realise how high his Myspace follower count has been getting over the last few months, and it feels good. He talks to a lot of random people over Myspace and LiveJournal, and it makes him feel better to have people respond positively to him. He’s starting to realise that if he gives attention to people on those sites, they’ll give him attention back, and his inner Tinkerbell loves it.

He’s been hanging out in his own Myspace comments section, which is absolutely thriving, except Harry keeps looking at comments from a few months ago. Six months ago. A year ago. And he’s only reading comments from Louis.

Harry’s nostalgia is its own black hole, and Harry’s been swallowed up by it. He’s reading his old blogs and watching old things they’d filmed on his old camera and going through all their Myspace conversations, and he’s just drowning in his feelings.

He’s been lurking on Louis’s profile probably just as much as his own the last few days, and as much as Louis’s relationship status haunts him, there’s still a significant bit of vindication that he’s still Louis’s number one friend. It’s stupid, he’s well aware of that, but things seem so fucked up to Harry right now that seeing his profile linked first is some reassurance to his broken heart that everything might work out. Louis still cares about him. He can almost pretend nothing’s changed.

But… it’s probable that Louis hasn’t even thought about it. Hannah is his sixth friend, after Harry, Brand New, Tom, Danny, and Dougie, and Harry just doesn’t feel like that makes sense. Especially because he knows Hannah used to hate that Harry was Louis’s number one and she wasn’t, and that was when she was his number two. He’s checking Louis’s profile every day, waiting for the day when Louis updates his top eight and pushes Harry out.

Harry’s so sure that it’s going to happen, and every day he’s surprised, and reassured, but he’s also weirdly more certain it’s coming. The darkest, bitterest part of him is just waiting for Louis to admit that he cares about Hannah more than Harry now, to admit finally that Harry doesn’t matter to him.

When Harry refreshes Louis’s profile and sees that it’s finally changed, he stops breathing.

Because he was wrong. Hannah’s moved, she’s moved up to second, but there’s Harry, still at number one. _Still_.

Harry stares at his own profile picture and lets out a dry sob. That’s a choice. Louis made a specific choice there, and he’s saying that Harry’s still the most important, still his person, and fuck, Harry’s crying. Because Louis’s saying that they aren’t too far gone, they can still be fixed, and Harry hadn’t realised how badly he needed a sign that things might look up.

***

**30 june**

Things haven’t looked up. Harry doesn't know how to reach out to Louis, and he’s sick of feeling lonely and he’s sick of being sad. But the best thing about college ending is that his friends keep throwing parties, and today Giovanna talked him into going to Danny’s. So he’s drunk, he’s been drinking with G and Cara, looking at Louis from across the garden and feeling like Louis’s part of a different world.

It makes Harry feel like he’s not a part of the world around him, either. He feels disconnected from G and Cara, their conversation starts to sound like they’re talking underwater, so he excuses himself and stumbles inside.

He goes for a wee and then, on his way back outside, he gets distracted and wanders into Danny’s room. He’s sitting on Danny’s bed, drawing cartoon versions of their group in Danny’s Chemistry book, when Louis appears in the doorway.

“Here you are,” Louis says, sounding relieved.

Harry looks up from the Chemistry book, confused. He feels like he hasn’t really talked to Louis for two weeks, and he’s surprised that Louis would be looking for him.

As soon as he has that thought, he hates it. Louis’s supposed to be his best friend, his partner in crime—they’re supposed to be attached at the hip. He’s not supposed to be _surprised_ by Louis looking for him.

God, Harry hates the state of their friendship.

“Here I am,” he says belatedly, and Louis gives him a small, unsure smile and comes into the room, sitting on the edge of Danny’s bed. He’s only about arms-length away but it feels like lightyears.

Harry hates how far away he is, so when Louis asks what he’s doing, he gestures for Louis to move closer and see.

Louis cutely scoots up the bed, so cute he makes Harry’s heart hurt, and he settles in beside Harry, but they’re still not really touching. Harry can _feel_ the way Louis’s keeping his distance, and he fucking hates it.

He knows he’s pulled away lately, knows that Louis is probably taking his cues from Harry’s own distance, but he’s drunk and he just wants Louis _back_. Back to normal.

Harry’s miserable brain reminds him that Louis’s still with Hannah, and his heart feels heavy.

“These are so cute,” Louis says, and Harry feels too warm.

“Thanks,” he says, picking at his lip ring nervously.

“Love how you’ve drawn your hair,” Louis says, giggling at the mess of scribbled curls on top of cartoon Harry’s head.

Harry can only smile at him fondly. Then, because his mouth doesn’t understand that he _shouldn’t talk_ when he’s drunk, he says, “I’ve missed you.”

Louis’s attention immediately switches from the Chemistry book to Harry’s face, and his eyes are soft and sad. Harry feels less embarrassed just from his expression. “I miss you too.”

“‘M sorry ‘m so weird,” Harry mumbles, and Louis finally, fucking _finally_ , tugs him into a cuddle.

“You’re not weird,” Louis says. “You’re just confusing.”

Harry frowns. “I _am_ weird.”

“No you’re not,” Louis says. “You’re quirky, that’s not a bad thing.”

“Okay,” says Harry, not wanting to argue the point. “‘M sorry ‘m confusing, then.”

Louis takes in a deep breath and lets it out. Harry desperately wants to know what he’s thinking. “It’s okay,” he says quietly. “I just—I just wish you’d talk to me. I don’t know what to do when you get all distant and disappear.”

He sounds hurt, and Harry feels fucking awful. He hates that his self-preservation has hurt Louis. It makes him almost forget that he’s been pretty confused by Louis’s actions as well.

“I don’t mean to,” Harry says softly. “I’m just… I think I was confused, and scared.”

Louis frowns. “Nothing had to change, H.”

Harry shakes his head. “That’s not what I wanted.”

Louis’s still frowning. “What did you want, then?”

And Harry can’t. He fucking _can’t_. There’s no way he can say any variation of what he wanted while Louis’s sat here with a girlfriend. His mouth finally gets the memo and completely clams up.

It’s like the universe takes pity on him, because that’s the moment Tom comes stumbling down the hallway. Harry sees him do a double-take in the doorway, presumably because he thought the room was empty, and then he focuses on them in the bed and his mouth drops open. He covers his eyes and yells “DAAAAHHH! STOP HAVING SEX!!!”

Then he slams the door closed.

Harry blinks at Louis, who’s equally wide-eyed and confused.

“We’re literally just sitting here!” Louis yells.

“He has a fucking girlfriend!” Harry yells, and ignores the stare he can feel Louis giving him.

The door gingerly opens, and Tom slowly pokes his head in. “Are you sure?” he asks, suspicious, despite the fact that they are on top of the covers, fully clothed, and obviously not doing anything.

“Yes, Tom,” Harry deadpans, and Tom flings the door open and bounds into the room, Giovanna on his heels. They both jump on the bed, on top of Harry and Louis, and they have a group cuddle until Tom remembers he was on his way to the toilet.

Giovanna, being slightly less pissed, helps Tom up and then kisses Harry and Louis on their foreheads before she escorts Tom out. He pops his head back into the room and waggles his eyebrows at them, saying, “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

“Leave them alone and have a fucking piss Tom,” Giovanna says, and Tom accidentally headbutts the doorframe as he leaves. They can hear him moaning about it until he’s presumably in the loo.

Harry looks at Louis and they burst out laughing.

Once they’ve calmed down, Harry says, “Bit annoying, how none of them seem to think we can be alone together. We’re best friends.”

Louis looks oddly thoughtful. “I mean, yeah. But we’re not exactly normal, are we?”

Harry’s heart races at that, and he hates it because he doesn’t even know what Louis _means_. He wishes he’d stop giving himself false hope.

Louis probably just means they’re not normal best friends because they’ve barely spoken in weeks.

“What d’you mean?” Harry forces himself to ask.

“Well,” Louis says with a shrug. “How many times have we kissed now?”

“A few,” Harry says, even though he knows it was a rhetorical question.

Louis looks like he’s lost in his thoughts, so Harry doesn’t say anything else, just waits for him and watches. Looks at his eyeliner-rimmed eyes, his long swoopy fringe, his eyelashes and his cheekbones. He’s so incredibly beautiful, Harry just wants to stare at him forever.

“Remember the first time we kissed?” Louis says, and yeah, of course Harry does.

He flashes right back to it: last new year’s, at Louis’s place with both their families, a little bit tipsy from the champagne their mums had let them have. They’d stayed up long after everyone had gone to sleep, finished off Harry’s mum’s half-bottle of champagne, and had ended up cuddling on the lounge.

Louis had been tickling Harry, and then he’d dangled his fringe in Harry’s face, trying to tickle him with it. He’d been so close, his face hovering over Harry’s, and Harry had wanted to kiss him. They’d been suspended in that moment, in the tension of not knowing what was okay, and finally Harry had tilted his head up just a fraction, trying to prompt Louis into kissing him, _and then he did._

They’d snogged for ages and fell asleep wrapped around each other on the lounge. Harry had been so awkward the next morning, so thankful that his mum wanted to leave early that day for his nan’s.

“It was good,” Harry says.

Louis brightens at that. “It was, wasn’t it?” he says. “I think it took me by surprise, but it was cool. I felt like - I dunno, it was a new evolution of our friendship? I was, like, excited, I think, to see what would happen next.”

And Harry _hurts_ , because he knows what happened next. “But I disappeared.”

“Yeah,” Louis says, a sad smile on his face. “I didn’t see you or hear from you until college went back, and then you were—I dunno, the way you acted, I didn’t think you liked me like that, so I just dropped it. Tried to get us back to normal.”

And he did. He’d done that. He’d pushed past Harry’s awkward, embarrassed, scared barriers and their friendship was restored. In fact, he’d done such a good job that that was when Harry became convinced that friendship was all Louis wanted.

It makes Harry wonder why Louis hadn’t done the same thing this time.

“I think I’d forgotten about that, somehow,” Louis says. “When you disappeared again this time. I think I just—I just think you’re upset with me, and I don’t know what to do about that.”

Harry swallows, hard, so that he doesn’t cry. “I wasn’t upset with you,” he says. “Maybe I was upset with myself. And, like. Scared.”

“I don’t want you to be scared,” Louis murmurs.

Harry sighs. “And I don’t want to push you away,” he says. “I’m really sorry.”

“It’s okay, Haz,” Louis says, sliding his arm around Harry’s middle and squeezing. “I'm sorry too. It’s just been confusing, yeah? For both of us.”

“Do you think it was a mistake?” Harry whispers, unable to ask any louder.

“No,” Louis says right away. Harry feels loads better with just that one word. “I just think we should have talked after. I wish I’d remembered how you’d disappeared the first time we kissed.”

Harry can’t help huffing a laugh. “It’s not all on you, you know. I’m the one who’s all fucked up.”

Louis looks affronted. “You are not!” he cries, digging his fingers into Harry’s side. “Jesus, you’re allowed to be scared and confused. If anything, it just proves that I mean a lot to you, yeah?”

Harry feels soothed by that. “You do,” he says earnestly. “You mean so much.”

“Aw, Hazza,” Louis says, curling in even closer. Harry lets his hand find Louis’s, their fingers entwining easily. Perfectly. “You mean the most to me.”

Harry inhales, exhales, and finds that he actually feels content. The best, calmest he’s felt in two weeks. Probably even longer.

He wants to ask what the fuck is going on with Hannah, what it is Louis actually feels, but this is nice. He doesn’t want to spoil the moment.

And then Danny’s dad appears in the doorway and does that himself, frowning at them suspiciously and booming, “Hello children! I think you should be getting back downstairs, hmm?”

***

**MCR Forum - > General Discussion -> Talk About Random Stuff Thread**

**craic_romance - 3:47pm, Sunday 06/07/2007**

o_O guys my nan's visiting and she thought gerard’s name was Giraffe….. o_O

* * *

**snowghosts - 3:49pm, Sunday 06/07/2007**

hahahahah thats not a name

* * *

**snowghosts - 3:50pm, Sunday 06/07/2007**

just imagine it. ‘hello this is my son Michael, and my other son, Giraffe’

* * *

**justsleep - 3:52pm, Sunday 06/07/2007**

ahahaha your nans my hero

* * *

** craic_romance - 3:55pm, Sunday 06/07/2007 **

rofl michael and giraffe

* * *

**snowghosts - 3:57pm, Sunday 06/07/2007**

i have a nan story too actually! last time she was here she was in my room looking at my posters and she said she didn’t like frank because he has a puffy face?? :/ and too many tattoos, so i was like ‘who do you like then’ and she pointed to gerard and was like ‘the moody one over here’

* * *

**justsleep - 4:06pm, Sunday 06/07/2007**

lol the moody one.  
i dont have a nan story but i have a dad story! i got to work today and my dad was wearing my patd t-shirt :|  it's massive on me so it fit him. i was like WHY ARE YOU WEARING THAT? :rofl:   
and he was like 'it's the only one i could find this morning so i put it on.'  
then the girl who works in the newsagents next door came in and she said he looked awesome, so now he thinks he's all cool.

* * *

**snowghosts - 4:08pm, Sunday 06/07/2007**

lmfao your dad IS cool, i love a good zayn’s dad story

* * *

  
***

**13 july**

Harry’s not super excited about seeing Rise Against tonight. He likes them a lot, but they’re not one of his favourite bands—while he absolutely loves some of their songs, they don’t make him feel the same way My Chem and Panic do. So he’s looking forward to the handful of songs he loves, but he’s not expecting to know much of the set. It makes it all a bit less exciting.

Not for Louis, though, because he loves Rise Against, especially their new album. He’s very excited, and watching him experience that, his energetic, bubbly, happy self chattering away the whole trip to Manchester, makes Harry feel just as happy to be here.

And he’s glad of it, there’s no denying that. He and Louis bought these tickets two months ago, back when things were normal between them, as a reward for finishing their A-levels. Harry’s been dreading it for weeks. The combination of not being a Rise Against super fan and not knowing where he stood with Louis meant that he really didn’t want to go. He’d tried to give Gemma his ticket, since she likes them and she’s home from uni, but she’d told him he was being an idiot. She made him sit down and listen to The Good Left Undone, his favourite song, and asked him if he really wanted to miss hearing that live. He didn’t.

And now he’s glad for her, because they’re not even inside the venue yet and he’s having a great time. And it’s all down to Louis. His happiness and excitement is contagious, but also, Harry finally feels comfortable with him again, like he hasn’t in weeks. Ever since their little moment at Danny’s party, Harry feels like Louis has slotted right back into his life. It’s almost overwhelming, because Harry felt the lack of Louis so strongly. To have him around again and it not be weird makes Harry’s veins sing.

Also, Louis broke up with Hannah a week ago. He said it was for good. Privately, Harry thinks they’ll see about that, but it’s definitely improved his mood and his emotional reactions to Louis. Louis’s relationship with Hannah was this dark cloud on Harry’s shoulders, and it obscured his vision. He feels freer that they’re over at least for now, like he can take a breather from his constant gloom.

They’re in the line outside Manchester University’s theatre and Louis’s talking about the set list he’d seen last night. He’s been bringing it up all day, Harry finds it endearing.

“I just can’t believe they don’t do This Approaching Curve,” Louis says for the tenth time, shaking his head. “At least they do Swing Life Away, I suppose.”

“Aw, they don’t?” someone says from behind them, and Harry and Louis turn around to see a sheepish looking guy. He’s got thick eyeliner and his emo fringe is swoopier than even Louis’s, and there’s something about him than reminds Harry of a puppy. “So sorry, I didn’t mean to listen in on you.”

“S’okay, he’s loud, it can’t be helped,” Harry says, and then he giggles while Louis’s face goes on a journey from outrage to disbelief to a funny kind of smug. And Harry knows Louis, and he can tell from his face that Louis’s making an innuendo in his head. Harry feels unreasonably proud of him for keeping it to himself in front of a stranger.

Speaking of which, the stranger is watching them with mild confusion on his face. Possibly because Louis has reacted very strongly without saying anything at all. Harry wants to laugh; they don’t often meet new people together, and he’s amused to think of how they come across.

“Sorry,” Louis says to the stranger. “Harry here is very rude. I’m Louis, what’s your name?”

“Liam,” says the stranger, and then hastens to reassure Harry, “I don’t think you’re rude.” Harry’s endeared by him and he decides they’ll have to adopt him for the night. He seems to be alone.

“Are you here with anyone?” Harry asks, and Liam shakes his head.

“No, I like to go to concerts on my own,” he says cheerfully. “I’d rather get lost in the moment than waste it socialising, if that makes sense.”

“I totally get that,” Harry says. “If I’m obsessed with the band, that’s where all my attention is.”

“Same,” Louis says. “That’s why Harry’s my gig buddy. My concert partner. He gets it.”

Harry frowns a bit, because it feels like the first thing he said was more platonic, and then he made an effort to make it less so. It’s confusing to Harry, but he’s probably reading too much into it. Definitely, he definitely is.

“I’m glad you guys understand,” Liam says, and his relief is evident. He seems like the kind of person who’s earnest and eager about most things. Harry likes it. “Don’t get me wrong, I like meeting people who care about music the way I do. I s’pose I feel like a buzzkill, sometimes.”

“Nah,” says Harry. “It’s a different kind of buzz, innit? People experience things differently.”

“Very sage, Harold,” Louis says seriously. “Very wise.”

“Thank you,” says Harry. “Well, Liam, if you do feel like hanging out with people, you should stick with us. I promise you can ignore us when the band comes on.”

“We’ll ignore you too,” Louis promises.

Liam grins. “Yeah, that sounds good,” he says. “Now, what were you talking about? They don’t play This Approaching Curve? How do you know?”

Louis launches into explaining the set list, and Harry admires him as he and Liam discuss their favourite Rise Against songs.

Until the band comes on, the rest of the night goes more or less the same, with Louis and Liam chattering away while Harry watches Louis adoringly. He doesn’t even feel left out, not like he usually would, he’s not seething with jealousy that Liam’s getting Louis’s attention. Harry's decided he likes Liam, and their excitement is cute to watch, and Louis’s hand is resting solidly on Harry’s waist or the small of his back all night. He’s good. 

And hearing The Good Left Undone with Louis by his side, with Louis's fingers clutching his waist, when that song reminds Harry so much of him—it almost feels like a spiritual experience. It's everything, everything he's been feeling, everything he's been scared of, everything Louis means to him. He'll do anything to keep this.

 _all because of you, i believe in angels_  
_not the kind with wings_  
_no, not the kind with halos_  
_the kind that bring you home_  
_when home becomes a strange place_  
_i'll follow your voice_  
_all you have to do i_ _s shout it out_

***

**21 july**

Harry’s finally starting to feel like life has stopped crushing him.

Things with Louis are back to normal (with both of them pointedly ignoring the last few months of weirdness, which is fine), Harry’s finished with college, he doesn’t have to think about his A-levels ever again, and Gemma’s home from uni for the next month or so.

He’s got Tom’s 18th to go to tonight, but he’s spending the afternoon with Gemma, painting their nails black and half-watching telly, half-catching up.

“I still cannot believe you met Frank,” Gemma says, shaking her head. She’s brought it up just about every time Harry’s spoken to her since March, but he can’t blame her. It’s still unbelievable to him too.

“Me neither,” he says. “Me and Louis are definitely getting the smiley face tattooed.”

“Awesome, I’m gonna murder you,” Gemma says casually. “How is Louis, anyway? He hasn’t come ‘round since I’ve been home.”

“We just finished our A-levels, give him a break,” Harry says. “I’m sure he wants to see you.”

“He’d better,” Gemma says, squinting at him. “But Mum said he hasn’t been ‘round much lately at all.”

“A-levels,” Harry tries again.

“Mhm,” Gemma looks at him flatly. “What happened, Harry?”

Oh well. Harry wasn’t really planning on keeping it from her anyway. He screws the cap back on his nail polish and says, “We’ve kissed. A few times.”

Gemma shrieks and shoves him. Harry flails his arms to try to keep from smudging his nails, but she clearly doesn’t care about that. “Finally! Since when?”

“Um, the first time was on New Years,” Harry says as he inspects his nails. She's lucky they look okay.

“What the hell, I was here,” Gemma cries. “How could you not tell me?”

Harry frowns. “I dunno, it’s been this whole thing,” he says. “We’ve kissed a couple times since then, but he also got a girlfriend, and they’ve broken up now, hopefully for good, but I think he just wants to be friends with me.”

“What?!” Gemma gapes at him. “That kid has had hearts in his eyes for you for as long as I’ve known him.”

“Stop it, no he hasn’t,” Harry says. His mum and Gemma have this theory that he and Louis are eventually going to realise they’re in love. It’s probably why he’s avoided talking to them about this; he hates having to remind them that they’re only half right.

Gemma sighs. “I don’t know how to convince you Harry. If he’s kissed you several times now and you still haven’t figured it out…”

“It’s not like that,” Harry says weakly. “I think he’s just after a friends with benefits type thing.”

Gemma actually snorts. “Yeah, okay,” she says. “As if that won’t just lead to the two of you basically being in a relationship without saying as much.”

That wasn’t quite the reaction Harry expected. She’s making it sound like a good thing. “What, do you think we should?”

“No, let me be clear,” Gemma says. “I think you should immediately tell him how you feel. Text him now.”

“No,” Harry says.

“Right,” Gemma says. “So in that case, yeah, it’s not the worst idea. I mean, if you were one of my friends, I’d be like, no, you’re going to get hurt. But it’s you. It’s Louis. I think you’re just gonna realise you fancy each other back. Might be the push you need.”

Harry hums. “I’m pretty sure I’m gonna get hurt.”

“Harry, I’ve been watching the two of you for years, I think I know better,” she says, infuriatingly.

“I know my own self!” he protests.

“Maybe, but you’ve got this weird blind spot about Louis,” Gemma says. “Just trust me, alright?”

Harry can’t do that. Her perspective is reassuring, but she’s not Louis. She doesn’t actually know what he’s thinking.

“Yeah, alright,” he says anyway.

* 

“Yeah, it’s awesome having her home again,” Harry says. “Even if she won’t stop moaning that half her clothes have gone missing while she’s been away.”

Tom snorts. “Gone missing?” he asks with a raised eyebrow.

“Just disappeared,” Harry says. “Into my wardrobe.”

“Oh, gross!” Danny cries. Harry’s attention snaps to the side, where Danny’s making a face at Louis’s cup.

“What the fuck are you drinking?” Tom asks.

Louis shrugs. “Li’l bit of everything.”

Harry sees inside his cup, then; it’s frothy and bright orange. It looks disgusting.

“That looks disgusting,” Danny says.

“It looks like rusty water,” Tom says.

“It looks like scummy rust water from the bottom of an abandoned trough,” Harry pipes up.

Louis looks at him, betrayed. “Et tu, Harold?”

Harry instantly flashes back to year ten Drama when that was Louis’s favourite phrase.

“Yeah, like the people on the farm died and then the pigs died and then mildew and rust grew in their trough and _then_ Louis came along and scooped it up,” Tom says.

Harry and Danny burst into laughter, while Louis looks outraged and offended.

“Wow, okay,” Louis says with a huff. “I’ll have you know it’s mostly Fanta, vodka, rum, and Baileys, and it’s actually delicious.”

 _“Baileys?”_ Tom asks, horrified. “D’you think the milk is curdling?”

“Gross, of course it isn’t,” Louis says. Harry squints at his cup but can’t really tell.

“I’ve had Baileys in Kings cups and it mostly seems to curdle with beer,” says Danny helpfully. “Still gross though.”

“No it isn’t,” argues Louis. He brandishes his cup at Danny. “Drink it.”

Danny actually takes a step back. “No, no,” he says. “I’m good, thanks.”

Louis scoffs. “You used to be cool. What happened to Mr. I’ll Drink Anything?”

“He just got here and doesn’t want to vom at 8pm,” Danny says. “I have a reputation to uphold, y’know.”

Louis takes a pointed sip and doesn’t throw up. “I swear it’s not gross. Tom?”

“Whoops, I hear G calling me,” Tom says and disappears.

“Harry!” Louis says, turning to him with a pout. “Nobody believes me! And you’re my best friend and you stabbed me in the back!”

Harry tries not to giggle. He just loves drunk over-dramatic Louis. “‘M sorry, Lou, but it really does look disgusting.”

Louis’s pout deepens. “As my best friend, I think you should be the one to taste it and back me up. You owe me at least that much.”

Harry bites down his smile. “As my best friend, I think you should not be trying to poison me.”

“It’s not poisoned!” Louis yells. “And if it is, I’ve poisoned myself. We can go down together!”

“If we go down, we go down together,” Harry says before he even realises which song he’s quoting.

“That’s what best friends means!” Louis says with a happy grin.

Harry makes a show out of pinching his nose and long-sufferingly taking a sip, but he’s actually surprised by the taste. “I can’t believe it,” Harry says. “That’s not bad.”

Louis roars victoriously and throws his arms around Harry, while Danny’s mouth drops open.

“No way,” Danny says. “I don’t believe you.”

“It’s actually nice,” Harry says, going back for another sip. “You should try it.”

“You’re both beyond help,” Danny says, throwing up his hands and walking away.

Louis’s still got his arms around Harry, and Harry readjusts so that he’s hugging Louis back. They stand like that, sharing Louis’s frothy concoction until it’s gone, and Harry can’t help but think about how he’d thought he’d lost this, just a few weeks ago. His relief is so enormous he can’t properly fathom it.

*

Harry’s drunk and he’s kissing Louis.

As if he could help it. He wasn’t even going to try, though. He and Louis migrated to the empty back lounge, telling everyone they were going to bed, but they’d cuddled up on the sofa and Harry had wondered whether anything would happen. He’d decided to just go with it, whatever Louis wants this to be.

So Louis kissed him, and now they’re laying down and snogging quite heavily, and it’s so good, but Harry’s wondering vaguely about how far he’s willing to go. He’s not sure if he wants to do any sort of sex thing with Louis, not after last time. His hands don’t seem to be on the same page though, they’ve wandered under Louis’s shirt. His skin is warm and soft and Harry’s happy with this, with just kissing and touching him. He’s amazed he gets to do this.

Then Louis slows down, gives Harry a few close-mouth kisses, and sits up a bit to look at him. “Should we talk about this?”

Harry chews on his lip ring. “Probably,” he says reluctantly.

“I just don’t wanna fuck everything up again,” Louis says, and Harry aches.

“Fuck,” he says. “Me neither. I can’t go through that again.”

“ _No_ ,” Louis agrees fiercely. “To be honest, I don’t even know what happened then. We should’ve talked more.”

Obviously, but that was a bit hard to do while Harry’s heart was breaking. He isn’t even sure how much he can explain himself now without giving that away.

“I freaked out, I think,” Harry says carefully. “I was so worried about losing you, so I avoided you.”

“Hazza, that literally doesn’t make sense,” Louis says, but he looks sad. “You have to know, yeah, you’re not going to lose me. No matter what. There’s nothing you could say or do to change that.”

Harry’s flooded with relief, he feels like he can breathe again. He hadn’t realised how badly he’d needed to hear that. Even if he doesn't fully believe it, it's nice that Louis does.

“Good,” he manages. “That’s good.”

“I don’t want you to avoid me, either,” Louis says. “I mean, I want to kiss you, but if it’s going to freak you out - ”

“No!” Harry blurts out before he can even think. “It’s not that, the kissing doesn’t freak me out. I want to kiss you too.”

“Alright,” Louis says. Is it Harry’s imagination or does he actually seem relieved? “Well, d’you think we just do this, then?”

‘Just do this’. That’s so vague.

“What, hook up randomly?” Harry isn’t going to outright ask what he means, but he needs some clarification.

“Yeah, I s’pose,” Louis says. “If we feel like it. Like it’s just another part of our friendship. It’d be amazing if we could do that without it being complicated and weird.”

And there it is. Harry knew he was only after friends with benefits. It doesn’t hurt quite as much as Harry had expected it would, though. In fact, the dreamy quality to Louis’s voice as he says it could be amazing makes Harry feel weirdly special.

And who knows, maybe Gemma’s right. Stranger things have happened.

“I’d like that,” Harry says. “I’ll try to ignore my natural instinct to avoid you.”

Louis beams. “I’d like _that_ ,” he says. He leans in for a kiss, and it only feels different because now Harry’s not worrying that Louis’s going to abruptly change his mind. Whatever this is, at least Louis wants it too.

***

**1 august**

**(you are the smell before rain, you are the blood in my veins) louis. says:  
**it has come to my attention that zayn and niall are myspace friends with liam  
**(you are the smell before rain, you are the blood in my veins) louis. says:  
**explain???/  
**\-- and i’ve lost all doubt in a chemical romance. xxH says:  
**oh yeah! i blogged about rise against and ni and z decided they wanted to befriend him :)  
**(you are the smell before rain, you are the blood in my veins) louis. says:  
**lol i saw niall and liam commenting each other and my brain broke  
**(you are the smell before rain, you are the blood in my veins) louis. says:  
**i thought they knew each other somehow  
**\-- and i’ve lost all doubt in a chemical romance. xxH says:  
**rofl no just me playing friend matchmaker  
**(you are the smell before rain, you are the blood in my veins) louis. says:  
**cute :*  
**\-- and i’ve lost all doubt in a chemical romance. xxH says:  
**^-^  
**\-- and i’ve lost all doubt in a chemical romance. xxH says:  
**ni and z are actually talking about coming to reading fest tooo !!!!  
**(you are the smell before rain, you are the blood in my veins) louis. says:  
**oh sick!! i forgot to tell you, i found out its liams fucking 18th the week after reading! and he isnt having a party or anything  
**(you are the smell before rain, you are the blood in my veins) louis. says:  
**he said he wants reading to be his party  
**\-- and i’ve lost all doubt in a chemical romance. xxH says:  
**omg :O  
**\-- and i’ve lost all doubt in a chemical romance. xxH says:  
**niall and z HAVE to come then!! lads camping trip :D  
**(you are the smell before rain, you are the blood in my veins) louis. says:  
**exactly what i was thinking \o/  
**(you are the smell before rain, you are the blood in my veins) louis. says:  
**do you like my lil man waving his arms \o/  
**(you are the smell before rain, you are the blood in my veins) louis. says:  
**he’s so excited \o/  
**\-- and i’ve lost all doubt in a chemical romance. xxH says:  
**i love him :)  
**(you are the smell before rain, you are the blood in my veins) louis. says:  
**:O he loves you too! \o/  
**\-- and i’ve lost all doubt in a chemical romance. xxH says:  
**\o/\o/  
**(you are the smell before rain, you are the blood in my veins) louis. says:  
**fuck me thats cute, theyre holding hands  
**\-- and i’ve lost all doubt in a chemical romance. xxH says:  
**ikr ^-^

***

**MCR Forum - > General Music -> Thread Of Music News**

**snowghosts - Wednesday, 1:56pm 22/08/2007**

the myspace projekt rev stream is tonight! who’s gonna watch with me? it starts at 7:30 and they’ve got placebo, HIM, TBS, MCR, and linkin park, in that order i think. they say they’ve got 11 bands but idk.

[ myspace.com/whatnow ](http://myspace.com/whatnow)

* * *

**craic_romance - 2:17pm, Wednesday 22/08/2007**

i’ll watch! z will too i think. i just got to zayn’s and connected my laptop to his internet so we’re good to go :niall:

* * *

**justsleep - 2:19pm **, Wednesday** 22/08/2007**

i srsly hate that i’m saying this but are you packed for tomorrow harry? how late is this going to go? we’ve got to get up early :/

* * *

**snowghosts - 2:27pm **, Wednesday** 22/08/2007**

jeez ok grandpa. probs quite late. i’ll go to bed after my chem tho, and we can sleep in the car?

* * *

**craic_romance - 2:32pm **, Wednesday** 22/08/2007**

don’t listen to him harry, we can’t just not watch it! right before we go off to reading with no internet! idts!!!

* * *

**justsleep - 2:33pm **, Wednesday** 22/08/2007**

you didn’t answer me about packing so i’m going to assume you haven’t

* * *

**snowghosts - 2:35pm **, Wednesday** 22/08/2007**

i have! i’m ready! i knew they were doing the live stream, i’m prepared!

* * *

**craic_romance - 2:35pm **, Wednesday** 22/08/2007**

hey h have u gotten liam a bday present? or is our presence supposed to be the present

* * *

**snowghosts - 2:39pm **, Wednesday**  22/08/2007**

i mean that’s what he said, that the whole weekend is like a birthday present, but he’s also said he’s going to reading instead of having a party… so if reading’s the party then he needs a present, yeah? me and louis are going halves and buying him a ticket to the NME signing tents so he can meet some people~~

* * *

**snowghosts - 2:40pm **, Wednesday**  22/08/2007**

but u guise defs don’t have to do anything lolol you haven’t even met him irl yet. i’m 100% sure he isn’t expecting it at all

* * *

**craic_romance - 2:42pm **, Wednesday**  22/08/2007**

:O thats an awesome present!!!!

:niall: :runcircles:

* * *

**justsleep - 2:43pm ** **, Wednesday**** 22/08/2007**

you cant just say ‘he isn’t expecting it’ like its not gonna make me wanna get a present. ok niall, i think we’ve got to go to the shops before we watch the stream

* * *

**craic_romance - 2:44pm ** **, Wednesday**** 22/08/2007**

:yay: as long as we’re back before tbs!!

* * *

**justsleep - 2:45pm ** **, Wednesday**** 22/08/2007**

dw i wanna be back before placebo

* * *

**snowghosts - 2:47pm ** **, Wednesday**** 22/08/2007**

you guys are literally in the same house. say these things to each other.

* * *

**snowghosts - 2:48pm ** **, Wednesday**** 22/08/2007**

also i love how we just clog up this thread with our random bullshit

~*~*~its not the random thread~*~*~

* * *

**craic_romance - 2:51pm ** **, Wednesday**** 22/08/2007**

stfd and start a new thread for the stream

brb buying some presentzorz

* * *

***

**23 august**

Harry feels like he’s been waiting for Reading Fest for a long fucking time. Truthfully he’s wanted to go to either Reading or Leeds for years, but was too young and too broke. Last year Gemma had gone to Leeds, and MCR and Panic had played, and Harry had been so unspeakably jealous he could hardly handle it. Until the weekend of, really, because during their sets MCR and Panic were bottled so badly, Brendon Urie was knocked unconscious.

Harry hates bottling so much. It just makes his chest ache with concern, because obviously he doesn’t want anyone getting hurt. He also hates the disrespect of it all. Nobody deserves to be treated that way.

He’d been so tense at Download, surrounded by violent metal fans who felt perfectly comfortable hurling projectiles at people just because they didn’t like their music. That mentality feels like it’s fundamentally against everything Harry is, and he hated it.

So Harry’s worried about more of the same here, but Louis says that he doesn’t think the bottling this year will be so bad, Kerrang! had said they’d be putting measures in place, and regardless, he’s extremely excited about the line-up. Harry’s excited too, even though there’s no MCR - there are still a huge list of bands they both love, including Panic, Harry’s other favourite, and Brand New, who are probably equal with MCR as Louis’s favourite band.

The other huge draw is that Zayn, Niall, and Liam are all going, and the five of them decided to stay together in Liam’s dad’s tent. Harry’s just as excited about that as he is about seeing some of his favourite bands. Maybe more so.

The festival actually starts tomorrow, but they want to watch bands tomorrow, not set up their tent. So Niall arrived at Zayn’s yesterday, and Liam had left before dawn this morning to collect them all and go to the site. Liam had insisted on driving down as early as possible in order to get a decent camping spot - far too early, in everyone’s opinion but Liam’s. Harry ends up falling asleep in the backseat on Louis’s shoulder, with Zayn snoring on his other side, while Liam drives and Niall sings along to Fightstar’s new album.

The drive takes about three hours, and Harry would be annoyed that they could only get Reading tickets when Leeds is just an hour from Doncaster, but he sleeps through most of it. He’s awake at the start, for as long as it takes him, Niall, and Zayn to rehash last night’s Myspace concert stream, and for a little bit in the middle, when Louis’s driving—Harry rides shotgun and takes over the music, playing a mix CD of his favourite Fueled By Ramen bands, all of which they’ll be seeing this weekend. But after Louis’s turn, Harry’s back in the backseat and asleep in minutes.

He wakes up as Liam’s navigating the parking situation. They get a spot in the allotted area two campsites away, then take out all their gear and start the long walk to their site. There are definitely campsites further away from the parking areas, and their site’s in a good spot, close to the arena. It still feels like way too long a walk. Once they get to the sign for their camping ground, Harry just wants to collapse, but they have to find their own spot.

There are loads of people here already—people were coming in yesterday, Harry knew. They have to walk past a lot of tents before they find a clear spot, but from what Harry can see of the campsite, it’s huge. He’s glad they’re not any further back, and that Liam insisted on coming so early.

Harry drops the bags he’s carrying and stretches. Now they have to put the fucking tent up.

“Well, we need to start by clearing away the sticks,” says Liam, already looking for sticks in the grass.

“What a pointless waste of time,” Louis says.

“Do you want to be sleeping on sticks all weekend?” Liam asks, as if it’s a normal question, and Louis scowls as they all start to scavenge for sticks.

Setting up the tents is like the ultimate test of friendship. Thirty minutes later, and Harry and Zayn are still struggling with the canvas, Liam and Niall are arguing over which pole goes where, and Louis’s sat in a camping chair recording them with Harry’s camera.

Harry’s glad he brought a stack of batteries, he’s sure to go through them quick.

Louis’s declared himself videographer and supervisor of their tent adventure, so he’s sat there filming them and commentating. He claims he’d be no help, though Harry’s sure he’s just skiving off. 

But that’s fine, they really don’t need to add another person to their four-way confusion. Harry’s getting fed up with the canvas, Niall’s been seething for a while, and Zayn gives up and collapses on the ground.

It’s the first time it properly sinks in that the five of them don’t actually know each other that well. Sometimes he forgets, because he’s been friends with Niall and Zayn for so long - but they’ve only been Myspace friends with Louis for a few months. They don’t really know him that well. And Liam, they’ve all known Liam for about a month. It might feel like longer, but really, Louis’s probably the only one who’s proper friends with him.

They’ve got a delicate balance happening, they only really know each other from the confines of the internet, and now they’re out here in a field setting up a tent. No wonder it feels like make or break, it’s so far removed from where they normally are.

Liam abandons the poles to help Harry with the canvas, and between the two of them they manage to sort it, with Niall offering advice and both he and Zayn helping hold things whenever they’re needed. By the end of it, Harry feels like the whole thing would’ve gone smoother if Liam had just done it all himself from the beginning, he’s clearly the most competent.

“There we go lads,” Louis cheers, standing up and walking around the tent to film it from multiple angles. “This is one fine-looking tent.”

“Thanks, couldn’t’ve done it without you,” Liam says, and Harry laughs. He thinks they’re gonna be okay here.

*

Harry’s been thinking about going vegetarian for a while - he’s completely influenced by Frank Iero, Brendon Urie, and Greta Salpeter, he’s not gonna lie. He’s always been open to it, but after seeing the videos they did for Peta, he was convinced. Going away for the weekend feels like the perfect time to experiment and see if he actually wants to do it.

He’s at a festival. He’ll probably be eating chips all weekend. But he’d already told the lads he was going to do it, so he’s not backing out now.

Niall can’t seem to wrap his head around it, though.

“But what about bacon, will you eat that?” he asks.

“No,” says Harry. 

Niall looks horrified. “What about _chicken?”_

“No,” says Harry. To be honest, actually, chicken’s probably going to be the hardest thing to cut out. Harry still wants to try, though.

“What about — ”

“Niall, seriously,” Harry says. “Any animal you can think of, I promise vegetarians don’t eat it.”

“Some of them eat fish, I thought,” Liam says. “And chicken too?”

“How is that vegetarian?” Zayn asks, looking confused. “I don’t get it.”

“Me neither,” says Harry. “If I’m doing this, I’m doing it properly.”

“Why are you doing it again?” Niall asks.

Louis, who has been looking through Harry’s camera, looks up and squints at Niall. “Stop harassing him.”

His tone is light, and Harry’s amused and touched, the way he often is when Louis randomly comes to his defence. But he doesn’t see why that’s necessary with Niall, human sunshine himself, and Harry wants them to get along. It’ll be awkward and awful if they decide they don’t like each other.

“I’m _not_ , I’m just confused,” Niall whines. “What’s the point of life without chicken?”

“I don’t know, but let’s just support Harry until he figures that out for himself, yeah?” Louis says, back to his playful self. 

Niall laughs, shaking his head. “Whatever you say.” 

Harry realises that Niall goes along with Louis as if he knows him, doesn't take him too seriously, and it makes him rethink his earlier worries about their friendships. They're no different online to real life, after all, and they _are_ actually all friends. He was probably just nervous, since they've never been together like this before. But he doesn't think he has to worry about that.

A little while later, Zayn tells Harry that he’s decided to join him too, that he’s been thinking about how bad he feels for the animals. There’s strength in numbers, isn’t there, so Harry feels more resolved, more capable. Doing this with Zayn makes it feel like a fun challenge.

*

**25 august**

Gemma had said that there would be so many people here that if they wanted to be close to the front for their favourite bands, their only chance would be to hang around that stage all day. Brand New are playing second last today, and by now both Harry and Louis have realised that they’re happiest while on barrier for their faves, so Louis wants to spend the day at the Radio 1 stage.

Harry’s totally fine with that. The rest of the boys are going to spend some of the day with them, but then they're going off to the signing tents so Liam can use his birthday present. He says he feels bad going without Harry and Louis, but they don't have signing tickets anyway, so he may as well go with Zayn, who does. It wouldn't matter even they did, Harry would rather see Brand New from the barrier with Louis.

*

Brand New finish around 9:30, and Harry and Louis decide to head back to their tent. Jimmy Eat World have a set at the Lock-Up Stage at 10:05, but as much as Harry and Louis would like to see them, they doubt they’d be able to get in there now, and they’re both tired. So, back to the tent.

“I think Jesse is like, my celebrity crush,” Louis says as they walk, sounding starstruck. Then he wrinkles his nose. “If he could be considered a celebrity.”

Hearing Louis talk about his feelings is usually cute, but hearing Louis talk about fancying someone else in any way always turns Harry into a jealous serial killer, so he’s trying not to furrow his brows when he says belatedly, “Yeah. Well, he’s cute.”

“I mean, yeah, but it’s not really that,” Louis says with an explosive sigh. “It’s how emotional his lyrics are, you know? And seeing him sing them. It’s just otherworldly.”

Oh, god. Fuck. Harry wants with his entire body and soul to be that for Louis, to have Louis think that about him someday. He thinks about his own lyrics, the few meagre songs he’s written, and wonders about how emotionally intense they are. He wants to let himself be more emotional, suddenly, when for so long part of him has been uncomfortable with that.

He’s so lost in his thoughts he forgets to say anything, and Louis’s looking at him with a faint but concerned frown.

“You alright?” Louis asks, and Harry nods quickly.

“Yeah,” he says. “I’m, um, I think I’m just tired.”

Louis nods. “Long day of standing,” he says. “Thanks for doing it, for staying with me today.”

“Oh,” Harry says. “Of course, Lou. I wanted to be with you. And I wanted to see them.”

“Yeah, but,” Louis shrugs. “I dunno, it means a lot to me, seeing my favourite bands with you. Even if you don’t appreciate them like you should.”

Harry’s beaming at the first thing Louis said, tingling with happiness, and then the second bit registers and he elbows Louis. “Heeeey! I love Brand New.”

Louis giggles. He’s the fucking cutest. “Not as much as you _should_ , though,” he sniffs. “Not like I do.”

Harry giggles too, wrapping his arm around Louis’s shoulders. “Aww, Lou, I’m sorry.”

“So you should be,” Louis says.

“Though I do think seeing them live has made me love them more,” Harry says thoughtfully. “You know, like, I feel it more?”

Louis brightens, his playfully haughty expression falling into a happy grin. “Really?”

Harry can’t help matching his smile. “Yeah, Lou,” he says, and then they’re at the tents and they need to focus on finding their own.

They’re the first ones back, which makes sense, since the other boys all wanted to see Jimmy Eat World. They probably won’t be back for another two hours. Harry wants to change out of his sweat-soaked clothes, but he feels giddy about being naked in this small space with Louis, so he’s awkwardly paused, kneeling in front of his bag.

“Urgh, sorry Hazza, I need’a get changed,” Louis says, and then he’s stripping off his own sweaty shirt, and Harry probably blushes from head to toe. He’s seen Louis shirtless a hundred times, but he’s always floored, even now, when the only light is coming off of Liam’s torch on the floor.

Louis’s body is just… Harry’s pretty sure he’s the most attractive person he’s ever seen. Seeing Louis shirtless makes his heart try to escape his chest, and he wants to put his mouth _everywhere_.

He’s only stalled for a few seconds, though, and then he quickly turns back to his bag and mumbles something about it being alright.

He pulls off his disgusting shirt first, wipes himself down with the wet wipes he brought for this reason, and almost chokes himself in thoroughly spraying his body in deodorant, then puts on a clean shirt. He’s never been so relieved to feel dry cotton against his skin.

His jeans are more of a struggle. They’re hard to get off most days without being soaking wet, and without a fucking tent that he can’t even properly stand up in.

Harry stands anyway, pointedly not looking at Louis, he _doesn’t want to know_ how Louis’s getting his own jeans off. He has to hunch down so much his back is almost bent in half, but he unbuttons his jeans, and then spends an eternity sliding them off, inch by inch.

After a few minutes, Louis must notice him, because he starts to laugh. Harry looks over to see Louis standing in a new shirt and pants, hunched over as well, and Harry grins at him, because this really is ridiculous.

“Bit of a struggle, innit,” Louis says. “Imagine if we were any bigger.”

“I don’t want to imagine that,” Harry says with a laugh, then goes back to his jeans.

Finally he gets them off, though not without losing his balance and falling on his bum. Louis laughs at him, but he also checks if he’s okay, and his sweetness almost makes Harry feel less awkward. Almost.

Because now he’s sitting in his sweaty, gross pants, and he really fucking needs to take them off. He looks up at Louis, and he doesn’t think Louis’s changed his pants either, and Harry makes a ‘what do we do now’ face.

Louis shrugs. “C’mon babe, nothing we haven’t seen before,” he says, and Harry blushes, because that was _different_ , and then Louis turns to his bag, takes out some clean pants and pulls his off.

Harry’s eyes burn, because he can’t blink, because Louis’s bare bum is just _there_ , in front of him, the stuff of Harry’s dreams. He’s seen Louis’s bum only once before, years ago, when they were fifteen and stupid and went skinny-dipping at a party, and the memory has haunted him. It’s somehow even _better_ now, rounder, plumper maybe, and Harry wants to touch so badly he’s aching. Louis bends a bit more as he starts to put his clean pants on, and Harry quickly turns away, because otherwise he might combust.

He grabs his own clean pants and then, stupidly, thinks it might be easier to do all this lying down. So he lies back on his sleeping bag and peels his sweaty pants off his skin. And he was right, it was much quicker and easier, but he’s also an idiot, because he’s lying on his back. His dick is just sitting there, at least half fucking hard because of course it is, and as he’s dropping his sweaty pants beside his bag, Louis finishes putting on his and turns around.

Harry freezes, and Louis does too, except his eyes are very clearly flitting between Harry’s face and his stupid, almost fully hard dick, which fucking twitches with the attention. Harry hates himself.

Louis’s mouth opens, but he doesn’t say anything, and Harry snaps out of it and hurriedly pulls up his legs to tug on his pants. By the time he’s finished, Louis’s laid down on his own sleeping bag beside him.

Harry lies on his back for a few more seconds, cursing himself, before he turns over to face Louis. Louis, who’s giving him a soft smile like he knows what Harry’s thinking.

Harry says it anyway. “Well, that was embarrassing.”

Louis scoffs. “Harry, I’ve seen your willy a thousand times.”

And… he’s probably right. Harry’s lost count of the amount of times Louis’s unexpectedly dropped by when Harry was home alone and naked.

Harry’s always liked the way Louis stared at him. He’s not sure why he feels embarrassed now.

“This was a bit different, though,” Harry says, hoping he won’t have to explain himself further.

“Why?” Louis asks, sliding closer. “Because you were hard for me?”

Harry inhales sharply, shakily, and Louis’s hand reaches out and lands on his stomach. _For me._ Fuck.

“Your bum, Lou,” Harry says breathlessly. “I couldn’t help it.”

Louis smirks, looking very pleased with himself. “Yeah?” he murmurs, his hand sliding lower, just brushing Harry’s waistband and the skin above it. His dick is definitely fully hard now, and all he can think about, all he wants is for Louis to touch him. “What were you thinking about?”

“Touching you,” Harry says immediately, and thinks, _touch me._ “I wanna touch you.”

Harry’s in a bit of a daze, and all he can see is the unspeakable fondness on Louis’s face. Harry wants to be loved by Louis so badly it hurts.

“You can,” Louis says, and then he rolls on top of Harry.

It’s the best feeling, being pinned under Louis. He’s a little bit upset that Louis’s hand is no longer travelling towards his dick, but then he shifts, and fuck, that’s Louis’s fucking cock pressed against his. All other thoughts go flying out of his head, and he moans and pushes up.

Louis’s mouth drops to his neck and he thrusts down hard while he sucks a lovebite, and Harry feels like he could come. It’s only been a few minutes. Jesus christ.

And then Louis grabs one of his hands and directs it to his bum, and Harry’s overwhelmed by the reminder. He brings both hands up to cup Louis’s bum, and lets out the shakiest breath, because the cotton of Louis’s pants is so thin, Harry can feel right through it. Louis’s bum fits into his hands so perfectly, and Harry squeezes and pushes Louis against him.

Louis gasps, which goes straight to Harry’s chest, because Louis’s _enjoying_ this. “What - what else did you want?” Louis asks. It’s like he’s trying to stay in control, and Harry loves that so much. “With my bum?”

“Wanted to kiss it,” Harry mumbles, moving his fingers over Louis’s flesh. “Lick it.”

“Ohhhh,” Louis moans, and Harry thinks it’s half-knowing, half-pleasure. “You’re a naughty boy, aren’t you?”

Harry can’t help the way his body responds to that, lifting up from his sleeping bag at the same time he pulls Louis in. They both groan, and all Harry can think is _yes, yes, yes I am, what are you going to do about it?_

He doesn’t say that, though, can’t say anything, and Louis’s thrusting against him, and all Harry can feel is his dick against Louis’s and his hands around his perfect bum.

“What else?” Louis asks, panting slightly. “Did you wanna fuck me?”

Harry’s vision blacks out for a second at the thought, at the _suggestion_ , and all he can say is, “Yes, _yes_ ,” and then, because he vaguely realises he doesn’t want Louis to get the wrong idea, he slurs, “Want you to fuck me too. Both.”

Louis leans in and drops kisses on Harry’s jaw, and says, “I want that too, baby.”

They’re into a good rhythm now, each of them thrusting, Harry squeezing Louis’s bum and using it as leverage to bring them closer.

“What else?” Louis asks, his voice quieter, more strangled, and Harry’s not sure what else there could be, but there’s something he wants more than anything.

“Want you to kiss me,” Harry says, and Louis’s face softens, and then he’s swooping in and finally, fucking _finally_. Harry gets lost in it, in Louis’s lips and tongue and bum and the friction against his dick, and then Louis snakes a hand between their bodies. His fingers slide against the base of Harry’s dick and somehow that does it, he stills as he presses up against Louis and moans into Louis’s mouth. He’s vaguely aware of the way his fingers are pressing into Louis’s crack, the fabric of his pants bunched there, and then he realises Louis’s coming too. Harry pushes in a bit deeper, and Louis lets out this high moan, pressing his crotch to Harry’s one last time. Harry’s so oversensitive now that he whimpers a bit, but he loves it, and then Louis slumps against him.

They’re quiet for a bit, catching their breath, and then Louis says, “Fucking hell.”

“Mmhm,” Harry agrees. He slowly, gingerly, removes his fingers from Louis’s arse crack, and Louis giggles.

“Cheers for the wedgie,” he says, reaching around to adjust his pants.

Harry laughs. “You’re welcome.”

Louis looks at him for a moment, and then he leans in and kisses Harry, soft and sweet. Harry’s heart melts.

Louis pulls away to ask, “Are you alright with that?” and Harry misses his mouth so much he almost misses the question.

“Yeah,” he says. “Yeah, that was. Good.”

“Really good,” Louis says with a smile. “And I’m glad. You can’t avoid me tomorrow, anyway.”

Harry chuckles. “No,” he says. “So that’s good.”

“Yeah,” Louis says. “I don’t want you to. This was good, there’s no need.”

“Yeah,” Harry agrees. He’s pretty sure he’ll have to remind himself of that tomorrow, but for now, he feels good.

“I want us to be able to do this, for it to be okay,” Louis says. “Obviously we both want it. We don’t need to have the awkwardness afterwards.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Harry says, his throat thick. Maybe he’s dehydrated.

Maybe he wants to cry, only a tiny bit, because he wants _more,_ and it’s pretty clear Louis won’t even consider the possibility.

Louis might sense it, because he drops kisses onto Harry’s face until he’s laughing. Then Louis says they should get some sleep and he gingerly climbs off Harry.

Harry realises he’s got wipes, so they awkwardly clean themselves off, then Harry rolls over so Louis can spoon him.

“Love you, Hazza,” Louis says sleepily, his mouth against Harry’s hair, making Harry’s curls tickle the back of his neck.

Harry squeezes Louis’s fingers where they’re pressing against his ribs. He can’t get the words out for a second, too overwhelmed by how much they _mean_ now. He finally whispers, “Love you, Lou.”

He’s awake long after Louis falls asleep, until the boys finally come back, and Harry pretends to be asleep while they coo over how cute he and Louis look.

***

**26 august**

Harry wakes feeling far too warm. He’s disoriented and annoyed, because he’s not under any blankets, just Louis’s arm. He has Louis spooned up behind him, but sleeping with Louis doesn’t usually overheat him like this.

As he wakes up properly, he registers that he’s in a closed tent that’s trapped in all their body heat, and the sun is up and has heated up the tent. Part of Harry wants to go outside to cool down, but he doesn’t want to get up, and he doesn’t want to leave Louis. Not after last night.

Instead, he turns in Louis’s arms to face him. Louis’s still got yesterday’s eyeliner smudged around his eyes, and he shuffles as Harry moves, his mouth and brows twitching. Harry thinks he’s annoyed in his sleep at being moved, and Harry can’t hold in his smile. He also can’t help ducking in and kissing Louis’s lips, butterfly light.

It doesn’t wake him up properly at first, but his face twitches a bit more until his eyelids flutter open. Harry’s breathless over his eyelashes while Louis orients himself.

“Morning,” Louis whispers, smiling sleepily and pulling Harry closer to him, getting them both more comfortable.

“Morning,” Harry whispers back.

“S’fucking hot in here,” Louis grumbles, and Harry smiles.

“I know,” he says. “Wanna go outside?”

“M’comfy, though,” Louis grumbles some more.

“Me too,” Harry says. He drops his head onto Louis’s neck and nuzzles in, and he’s just starting to drift when Louis lets out a massive sigh.

“It’s too fucking hot,” he says, a bit too loudly, and a pillow is thumped on his back and Harry’s arm.

Harry can’t see who did it, so he gives them a rude gesture while Louis’s mouth drops open in outrage.

“Go th’ fuck outside,” Niall mumbles.

Harry laughs and gets up on his knees, pulling Louis up as well and then crawling outside first. He’s not an idiot, he doesn’t want to be behind Louis’s bum.

Well, like, he _does_ ; that’s the point.

That morning is too busy to be awkward. Instead of avoiding Louis, Harry rebuilds the fire with him. Then Harry decides to make breakfast for everyone, and Louis helps him put it together. And then, after they brush their teeth and get dressed, Harry, Louis and Niall go off to the recharging stations with everyone’s phones.

It’s past nine once their phones are charged, so they head back to camp, collect Liam and Zayn, and go to the main stage.

So, there’s really no time to be awkward. Harry doesn’t really feel awkward anyway—he’s too excited about the day ahead, he thinks, and also, he’s really _enjoying_ not avoiding Louis. Being able to be around him and be normal with him after a night like that makes Harry feel good. It’s what he _wants_. He wants both, wants it to be this easy.

On the way to the main stage, while they’re waiting for Niall and Liam in the massive queue to buy food, Zayn’s eyes go wide and his mouth drops open. It’s the most awake Harry’s seen him look today, so Harry follows his line of sight to see a man dressed too smartly for a festival, holding a mic and being followed by a camera guy.

“Is that…” Harry wonders, unable to complete his thought. It can’t be. It’s too random.

“It is,” Zayn says, and Harry can’t speak.

“Who is it?” Louis asks. Harry tears his eyes away from the men to see Louis looking lost and a bit annoyed, and Harry smiles.

“It’s Guy Ripley from TAITV,” Harry says. “AKA Ryland from Cobra Starship.”

“Oh, the one who pretends to be a Brit?” Louis says, comprehension dawning.

“That’s the one,” Harry says, smiling at him.

“And Jack The Camera Guy," Zayn says.

Zayn follows TAITV religiously, unlike Harry who loves the band but only watches episodes here and there—usually when Zayn’s talking about them. Harry’s aware of the features of the show, so he knows of Jack The Camera Guy. Jack’s cute and he follows the band around filming their show and he’s a mod on the TAI Livejournal. Harry likes what little he knows about him.

“We should go and talk to them,” Louis says. His grin is mischievous, bordering on wolfish. Harry fucking loves him.

“We should,” Harry says, looking at Zayn. “D’you want to?”

Zayn nods. “Yeah. Yeah, but I think we should pretend we don’t know who he is.”

Harry picks up on his train of thought. “Yeah, we might actually get on TAITV that way.”

“Sounds good,” Louis says, rubbing his hands together gleefully. “Won’t even be hard for me.”

Harry giggles and then they head over to where Ryland’s trying to get people to talk to him. It really is him, and he’s probably—definitely, actually—Harry’s least favourite member of Cobra Starship, but his least favourite member of any of his bands is still one of his favourite people. Harry’s always gonna be floored to see any of them in real life.

Thank God Louis is the way he is. He jumps right in, says, “Hey, mate, is this gonna be on telly?”

“Oh, hello!” says Guy Ripley. Harry bites his tongue so he doesn’t laugh. “Yes, of course it is!”

“Oh sick, which channel?” Louis asks.

“Oh, erm—all the channels,” Guy Ripley says, clearly flustered. “Worldwide, this is!”

Zayn’s mouth is twitching and Harry’s useless, but Louis smiles brightly and says, “Sick!” Then he waves into the camera while Jack The Camera Guy grins. “Hi Mum!”

Guy Ripley looks delighted, and Harry wonders if Ryland’s as charmed by Louis as everyone else is. Probably. Harry wraps his arm around Louis, pulling him closer against his side, and he smiles when Louis puts his own arm around Harry’s waist.

“So, boys, who are you looking forward to today?” Guy Ripley asks, holding out his microphone.

“Oh, um, Arcade Fire,” says Harry, blurting out the first non-FBR band he can think of. He won’t even be seeing Arcade Fire, TAI are on at the same time.

“Angels and Airwaves,” says Louis, who Harry knows he’s not a fan of but at least they will be seeing.

“Silversun Pickups,” says Zayn, and Guy Ripley lights up.

“Oh, did you know, they’re playing before The Academy Is…? Will you be staying to watch them?”

Zayn manages to keep a straight face. “Not sure I know of them, mate.”

“Oh yeah you do,” Louis says confidently, and Harry wonders where he’s going with this. “They have that song, yeah, I Write Sins Not Tragedies?”

Oh, that’s where he’s going with it. Brilliant. Harry tries not to laugh at the look on Ryland’s face and says, “Yeah, I’ve shown you pictures of the lead singer, he wears a rose vest?”

Guy Ripley’s shaking his head. “No, no, I think you’re confused - ”

“Nah, mate. The Academy Is, that’s the band with Ryan Ross in it,” Louis says.

“I thought his name was Brendon Ross,” Harry says, unable to help himself. He puts on a confused expression and almost breaks when Jack The Camera Guy snorts.

“You’re both entirely mistaken,” Guy Ripley says, sounding annoyed. Underneath that, Harry thinks Ryland’s amused. “Ryan Ross is in another band and they could never compare to The Academy Is or William Beckett.”

“Oh, William Beckett! Why didn’t you say so?” Louis exclaims, and Guy Ripley smiles. “I’ve seen all of his movies!”

Guy Ripley’s face drops, and fuck, Harry can’t believe the laughter hasn’t erupted out of him.

“His… movies?” Guy Ripley asks.

“Yeah, mate. The acting’s not great, but hey, that’s not why we watch ‘em, is it?” Louis says with a wink. Harry chokes on air and Guy Ripley splutters.

“Okay, well, enjoy your day boys, thank you,” he says hurriedly. “We might have to cut out the part where you insinuate William Beckett is a porn star - ”

“Oh, why?” Louis asks with a pout. “Is he embarrassed?”

To save Ryland from having to further the conversation, Harry jumps in. “No, that’s alright,” he says. “Thanks, Ryland.”

“Oh, no prob—what?” Ryland squints at them, and Jack The Camera Guy laughs.

“I love your band,” Harry says with a smile.

“We love TAI too,” Zayn adds. “Hi Jack.”

“Oh,” Jack The Camera Guy looks surprised. He’s adorable. “Hey!”

“Just having you on, mate,” Louis says.

It’s so interesting, watching Ryland’s face. Guy Ripley washes away with his confusion, and he looks like Ryland in Guy Ripley’s clothes. The layer of geeky naivety is replaced with this cool, friendly dude.

Ryland laughs. “Wow,” he says in his regular American accent. “Y’know, I hoped you were kidding. Was wondering if the general public had really heard about the rose vest.”

“Oh, definitely,” Louis says. “Worldwide household news, that is.”

“Changed the shape of fashion forever,” Harry says seriously, and part of him isn’t even kidding. The rose vest changed _him_ a bit, at any rate.

Ryland laughs again. “So, are you actually fans?”

“Yeah, mate, we can’t wait to see you later,” Zayn says, Harry nodding enthusiastically.

“I love the new songs,” Harry adds. “Really excited for the new album.”

Ryland looks happy. “Thanks, man, that’s awesome. We’ll have to get going, but do you guys want a picture?”

“Oh! Yeah, that’d be sick,” Harry says, and he ends up swapping his camera with Jack’s so Jack can use Harry’s camera to take a picture of the four of them. So Harry’s holding the actual TAITV camera. He’s such a loser, but it gives him a thrill.

They thank Ryland before he goes, and he thanks them back, and before they walk away, Harry says, “Tell Suarez I said hey. He’ll know what it means.”

He wiggles his eyebrows and everyone laughs, all four of them. Harry beams. Ryland looks very amused when he says, “Oh, will he?”

“Yeah, we're good friends,” Harry says confidently, then at Ryland’s confused little laugh, he explains. “I message him on Myspace when I’m drunk or don’t sleep and sometimes he replies.”

Ryland grins. “So you're his best friend,” he says.

Harry nods. “I’m glad you understand. We have a close bond.”

“I’m sure,” Ryland says. “I'll let him know.”

Harry laughs. “Have a good set!” he says with a big smile, and Ryland thanks him, and then he and the boys walk back to the drinks tent.

“I’m shaking, I’m actually shaking,” Zayn says. “I can’t believe that happened.”

“That was gold,” Louis says. “Oh my God. Brendon Ross.”

Harry bursts out laughing. “I can’t believe you talked about Bill being a pornstar in front of Ryland Blackinton, oh my _god_.”

“I hope that makes it into their little tv show,” Louis says with a giggle.

“I hope the whole conversation does, I wanna watch it,” Harry says, still laughing.

“Me too,” says Zayn. “That was fucking hilarious, I could hardly speak ‘cause I thought I’d laugh.”

Harry nods. “Same, Louis totally carried that.”

Louis looks pleased. “Why thank you Hazza, it’s what I’m here for.”

Harry giggles and then he spots Niall marching over to them, Liam trailing behind carrying their food.

“Where have you lot been?” Niall demands. “We’ve been looking for three whole minutes!”

“Wow, what an extensive search,” Louis says, and Niall glares at him.

Niall’s annoyance is playful now, but it won’t be when he finds out what happened. Nevertheless, Harry flicks on his camera and shows Niall the photo they’d just gotten.

Niall’s mouth drops open and he splutters, “What - I - how - what the fucking fuck?”

“He and Jack The Camera Guy were filming for TAITV,” Zayn explains. “We spoke to them.”

“We pretended we didn’t know who they were,” Harry says. “Was hilarious.”

“I mean, I didn’t really know,” Louis says.

“ _Louis_ was hilarious,” Harry says.

Niall’s scowl has gotten deeper and deeper. Liam’s looking at the photo with a frown, like he’s trying to place the guy, but Niall’s as into FBR bands as Harry and Zayn are.

“I’m so jealous I’m gonna explode,” Niall says. “Tell me everything.”

They spend the walk to the main stage recounting the whole conversation to Niall and Liam, and by the time they get there, Niall’s laughing and agreeing that Louis was brilliant.

*

The main stage is miles away from the barrier. Harry’s never seen such a distance before, and he doesn’t like being so far away, but he figures it’s a good thing. It would be hard for bottles to rain down on the stage from this distance. He wonders if there’d been such a huge space last year.

They get on the barrier right away, towards the end of it where there are less people. Or, well, Harry and Zayn do. Louis’s behind Harry and Liam’s behind Zayn, with Niall on Liam’s other side. They’d gotten there hours before Paramore, the first band of the day, and after about twenty minutes they were packed in.

The girl beside Harry is waiting for Angels and Airwaves, which gives Harry hope that by the time Panic come on, Louis will be able to worm his way in next to Harry. Right now, though, it’s fine that Louis’s behind him. Harry would rather have Louis pressed against him than anyone else, obviously.

Louis’s all around him, actually. His hands are holding onto the barrier either side of Harry, so Harry feels like he’s content and safe in Louis’s arms, even as the crowd thrashes about to Paramore. The band is just as energetic as they were at Download, and watching Hayley bop around is just as fun.

Harry’s so distracted by the crowd and Louis, but Hayley’s voice still gives him goosebumps. He’s listened to them more after liking them at Download, feels like he’s properly giving them a chance now. It’s not that he totally dismissed them as a rockier Avril Lavigne, but… maybe he did a little bit. But he genuinely likes them now.

Niall’s losing his shit, he probably loves Paramore the most out of all of them, and Harry can hear him screaming along to every word. He feels bad that Niall’s the furthest away from the band, and that he’s closer, especially after Niall missed out on meeting Ryland, but he seems to be enjoying himself, Liam and Zayn are singing along with him to the bits they know. 

*

During Angels and Airwaves, Harry takes back what he’d thought about bottling being almost impossible from this distance. Bottles are raining down around them, some of them getting the stage, basically egged on by what a massive douche Tom from Blink182 is being.

It’s almost worse than Download, just because they’re closer to the middle. Harry ends up hunching low on the barrier so Louis can shield him. Their size difference isn’t major, but Harry’s had a bit of a growth spurt lately, and despite the situation, he likes feeling small in Louis’s arms again.

Anyway. Between Louis and Liam, Harry and Zayn are pretty well protected. Even if it is worse than Download, knowing that people are looking out for him makes it bearable.

Louis says in Harry’s ear, “Really should’ve worn helmets,” and Harry laughs and agrees.

Eventually their set ends. The crowd seems more aggressively amped up than excited, Harry thinks, so he’s a bit nervous about how Panic will go, but the Angels and Airwaves fan beside him is leaving and Louis’s squeezing into her place, and the excitement of seeing Panic on the barrier beside Louis overtakes his nerves.

By the time they come on, Liam and Niall have moved over, so now Liam is behind Harry, which is good. Not as good as Louis, obviously, but way better than a stranger, and Harry trusts Liam to protect him from bottles if it comes to it. His nerves calm some more.

And then he sees Ryan Ross, and his nerves change, swirling into the kind of butterflies he usually only gets with Louis. It’s just. That’s _Ryan Ross_. Harry’s loved him, he’s loved this band for so long and he hasn’t seen them before and he feels such a special connection to Ryan. There’s something so familiar about him.

And he looks beautiful. He’s wearing this floral shirt with a vest and scarf, and sunglasses, and his hair is probably Harry’s favourite he’s ever had. He looks like a hippie wet dream. He makes Harry want to introduce florals into his own wardrobe, after years of living in black.

And then there’s Brendon, bouncing around before they even get into the first song, and fucking Jon Walker looking hotter than the sun with his beard, and Harry can even see Spencer Smith, tucked behind his drums.

He doesn’t feel like a teenybopper fanboy often, but right now? Definitely.

All four of them are on par with Frank and Gerard, now. They don’t feel like real people to Harry, and he feels like if he ever met them, he’d be too intimidated to talk. For the first few songs, arseholes in the crowd attempt to bottle them, and Harry simply can’t believe they aren’t universally loved.

Brendon sings a bit of Roxanne towards the end of Camisado, and Harry looks at Louis to see him grinning back. Harry knows exactly what he’s thinking; Fall Out Boy have done a cover of Roxanne, and he and Louis have taken to obnoxiously singing “Roxshaant” when they hear it. Because there’s nothing more fun than taking the piss out of Shaant Hacikyan. They also do two new songs, and Harry loves them both, he's so excited for their long-awaited second album now. He hasn't been sure about the sound they're going for, but now he thinks he approves of this obvious Beatles phase they're going through.

*

After Panic, they all want to go to the Carling stage, because they’re all big fans of the FBR bands, and both Cobra Starship and The Academy Is are playing there soon. But holy shit, getting out of the crowd at the main stage takes forever. There are _so_ many people, tens of thousands, and since they were at the front it feels like they’re winding through the crowd for hours. Louis and Liam take charge, spotting the quickest routes out, and Harry holds onto Louis’s hand and lets himself be led, focusing instead on not tripping over bottles or shoes or other people.

Finally they get to the Carling Stage, which is so much smaller and closer to the barrier. There are a ton of people, but nothing like the main stage, and Louis points out that the crowd is sparser to the side and they should be able to weasel their way up close. So that’s what they do. Harry feels bad about ducking in front of other people who have been there longer, but Louis whispers to him that if they wanted to be closer, they should’ve moved up. He has a point. Harry still feels bad.

They don’t end up on the barrier, there are too many people, but they’re close to the front, just way to the side. Harry’s got a good view of the stage, and he thanks his recent growth spurt for it.

They only have to wait through Silversun Pickups before Cobra are on, and Harry hasn’t heard them before, but he makes a mental note to check them out when he gets home. He enjoys their voices and what he can make out of the lyrics, it’s probably the most Harry’s enjoyed a band he doesn’t know at all. Out of them all, Zayn’s the only one who does know the band, so he’s visibly enjoying himself, which makes Harry happy to see.

The fifteen minute break before Cobra feels like torture, as always, but finally the band come on. And the thing about Cobra is they’re completely ridiculous, but they have some surprisingly heartfelt songs amidst the fun ones, and Harry enjoys them as people. Especially Gabe. He enjoys how Gabe doesn’t give a shit about being pigeonholed and openly makes out with his friends. Gabe just seems sexually fluid and also intense, and Harry’s drawn to those things. He also loves Gabe’s brain, and how he’s obnoxiously himself. He’s totally underrated as a songwriter, too; Harry’s gotten into his old band Midtown and while it’s very different from Cobra, the songs are so heartfelt.

Harry just sees a lot of heart in whatever Gabe does.

And they’re such an attractive band. It’s insane. Even Ryland looks hot, now, in his stage clothes. Harry doesn’t think that very often - Ryland always pales in comparison to how beautiful Harry finds Alex Suarez and Nate Novarro - but maybe it’s because they’ve just met him as Guy Ripley. He looks so different on stage. Maybe the contrast makes him more attractive.

Harry feels silly for thinking about it so much, but he can’t think much else about Ryland without his brain screaming YOU MET HIM YOU MET HIM. He focuses on Suarez, Gabe, and what he can see of Nate instead. God, Harry loves this band so much. He feels like his eyes have actually turned into hearts.

*

They head back to the main stage to watch the last hour of Red Hot Chili Peppers. Harry’s not a huge fan of theirs, but he likes all of their singles a lot, even loves some of them. He actually can’t think of one he doesn’t like.

Louis feels about the same, while Zayn’s, Liam’s, and Niall’s excitement levels are a bit higher.

"FIRST BORN UNICORN," Niall screams when they play Californication. “HARDCORE SOFT PORN.”

“That’s you,” Harry says to Louis.

Louis looks confused but amused. “Hardcore soft porn? Thanks?”

Harry bursts into giggles. “No, I meant the first born unicorn. You’re the only one of us that’s the first born.”

“Also obvs I’m a unicorn ‘cause I’m bi,” Louis says with a grin.

“Exactly,” Harry says, smiling happily. “But, y’know, the porn thing’s accurate too.”

Louis lets out a shocked laugh and flings his arm around Harry’s neck. “You’re too cheeky for your own good.”

And Harry just feels good. It’s lovely to be able to flirt with Louis and not be terrified of what he thinks it means.

*

That night, they decide to drink together around their small campfire in honour of Liam's birthday. Gemma had said that people like to stay up late drinking around the fires and socialising with strangers, and she wasn't wrong. All night they've got people milling about and randomly joining them, but they're all really nice, and the drunker Harry gets, the more he enjoys it.

Niall’s bouncing about the campsite, talking to people and filming things with Harry’s camera. Harry had given him two batteries and said that’s all he'd get, so it's fine, he’s not worried about Niall chewing through his battery supply. And there's Zayn and Liam, chatting with some guy they’ve just met. It seems like an in depth conversation, and it makes Harry happy to see it. He hasn’t known Liam for very long, but he’s a sweetheart who doesn’t have many friends, and Harry knows Zayn is basically the same. He likes seeing them getting along, he feels like they’ll be good for each other. 

So far he’s really pleased by how well this weekend is going. He's all but abandoned his earlier fears about them somehow not getting on.

Then Niall appears and says, “Oooooh and here’re the cuddle bunnies,” swinging the camera onto Harry and Louis, who are indeed cuddled up in a single camping chair.

“I thought you hated bunnies,” Harry says, because in the first few months of the forum, Niall had made a post ranting about how pointless rabbits were. Harry and Zayn still like to bring it up periodically, much to Niall’s annoyance.

“Shut the fuck up Harry,” Niall says.

“How could you hate bunnies?” Louis asks. “They’re so cute.”

“Rabbits add absolutely nothing to our ecosystem,” Niall says. “God, fuck off, Harry why are you always makin’ me defend this shite?”

“Because it’s fun,” Harry says. Obviously. Niall huffs, and Harry says, “I’ll stop if you give me my camera.”

Niall gives it to him and flounces away to meet more people, and Harry spends the next who-knows-how-long filming Louis while having a conversation with him. His drunken brain is telling him he’ll want to remember this more than Niall’s interactions with strangers, which seems like a safe bet.

***

**27 august**

On Sunday, all five of them decide to stay at the main stage all day. They get there before midday, heading to the very side of the stage and working their way closer as Gym Class Heroes play. Harry really likes them, so does Louis, Zayn and Liam love them, and Niall's half in love with Travie McCoy. So that's amazing, and then they keep inching closer during Hellogoodbye and Billy Talent, until it's time for The Used and Harry and Louis are on the end of the barrier with the other three behind them. Harry wonders if they've all made a secret pact to let him go on barrier this weekend, but that doesn't make any sense, so it must just be a coincidence. He's grateful for it though.

The Used are amazing. Harry actually definitely loves them now. It’s so funny how he’s done a total one-eighty - early this year he was writing insults on Bert McCracken’s face, and now he’s endeared by him as a performer and as a person. He wrote a fucking heartbroken album about Gerard Way, of course Harry couldn’t resist.

They might not sound the best, because Bert’s recently had surgery, but they’re so high energy and the crowd sings so loudly it doesn’t really matter. Bert’s chaotic as always, and Jepha’s hot as balls. In a way, Harry feels like this weekend has been a non-stop parade of people he’s attracted to. (Led by Louis, of course.) It’s so weird to see so many of them in the flesh all at once, it’s overwhelming. Harry’s actually glad he’s barely met any of them, he’s better off admiring from afar.

The Used play Buried Myself Alive, one of Harry’s favourites, and he squeezes Louis’s hand and can hardly sing along through his massive smile.

*

They don’t care much for +44 or Funeral For A Friend, but they don’t want to lose their spot on the barrier for Fall Out Boy. During +44, Louis says it’s funny how this weekend they’ve seen two thirds of Blink182.

Harry would much rather see Blink182.

*

Holy shit, Fall Out Boy. Harry’s dying from the instant they step on stage. It’s like Panic: he’s been so into them for so long, and he’s never seen them, and they’re so close, they’re real. It’s different, though—Harry looks up to FOB in a different way. Probably because Pete feels like the father of the current emo scene. And Harry was only fourteen when he started listening to them. They feel much older than him in a way that Panic doesn’t.

They start with Thriller, which Harry fucking loves, and he and Louis scream the lyrics. Liam's beside Harry on the barrier now, which is what he deserves, this is his birthday weekend after all. Liam seems to enjoy the older FOB songs while Louis prefers the newer ones, which means Harry has someone as enthusiastic about the songs as he is on either side. 

They do their Akon and Michael Jackson covers, which are both amazing. Louis loses his shit over Patrick's voice during Don't Matter and Liam loses his shit over every single aspect of Beat It. Then they play Dance, Dance and Harry loses his own shit, because that's the first FOB song he was properly obsessed with. It's surreal to hear it live.

They end with Saturday, and there are actual tears in Harry's eyes as he watches Patrick sing, “ _Me and Pete, in the wake of Saturday_.” Harry loves how this song sounds like it's from Patrick's perspective, how it references his and Pete's friendship. Harry _loves_  their friendship, they're so protective of each other. It's something Harry can relate to.

After FOB, they decide they're absolutely starving, and they'd rather get food than see Lost Prophets. So they do that, and Harry and Zayn get chips - he was right, aside from the food they'd brought with them, both of their diets this weekend have mostly consisted of chips. Oh well. He'll get the hang of the whole vegetarian thing at home.

They eat quickly then head back to the main stage, Liam and Zayn still raving about the Michael Jackson cover. There's more fighting through crowds of people, but they find a decent spot off to the side to watch what's left of Nine Inch Nails's set. Zayn and Louis love them, so they're happy they haven't missed it. Harry hasn't gotten into many NIN songs, but he does think Trent Reznor is a bit of a genius, and obviously Closer is an absolute classic. 

Lastly, The Smashing Pumpkins, which Harry honestly can't believe. They're so important and legendary to Harry, seeing them live feels like an accomplishment. If he's honest, he'd only gotten into them properly because Gerard loves them, but he's also grown up hearing them, his mum loves them too. Harry uses his last bit of camera battery to record Tonight, Tonight for her, and focusing on holding his camera steady is a good distraction. He'd be in tears otherwise.

***

**MCR Forum - > General Music -> me and harry are famous :)**

**justsleep - 3:04pm, Tuesday 28/08/07**

[ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcbhMAnnlkU ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcbhMAnnlkU)

new taitv, from reading fest! starring guy ripley talking to festival-goers, which happens to include me, harry, and harry’s louis :D

(HAZZA!! WHERE ARE YOU?! WE’RE ON FUCKING TAITV BB)

* * *

**snowghosts - 3:15pm, Tuesday 28/08/07**

OMFG THAT’S US !!!!

ahahahaha ‘oh, William Beckett! why didn’t you say so!’ Ryland’s face XD

can’t believe they left in Lou’s pornstar innuendo XD

* * *

**snowghosts - 3:17pm, Tuesday 28/08/07**

ALSO CAN’T BELIEVE RYAN ROSS IS CHILLING WITH TAI AT THE END OFF THE VIDEO!!!! WTF IS THAT, DID THEY DO THAT IN RESPONSE TO WHAT WE SAID BECAUSE IF SO I AM DYINGGGGGG

* * *

**justsleep - 3:20pm, Tuesday 28/08/07**

oh.my.actual.fucking.god.

they did. surely?? i mean maybe they wouldve had ryho in it anyway but … thats an AWFULLY big coincidence

* * *

**snowghosts - 3:22pm, Tuesday 28/08/07**

IKR??????

I’m posting this video everywhere. myspace, livejournal, this is my claim to fame now.

* * *

**craic_romance - 3:42pm, Tuesday 28/08/07**

I’M STILL FUCKING FUMING I MISSED THIS >:(((

* * *

**craic_romance - 3:45pm, Tuesday 28/08/07**

also can we talk about how much hazza and lou look like a couple in this jfc. h im pretty sure if you held him any tighter you would’ve morphed into one person

* * *

**snowghosts - 3:56pm, Tuesday 28/08/07**

no we can’t talk about that! I felt sorry for you for missing out but now you can fuck right off <_<

* * *

**YourHopelessHair - 5:03pm, Tuesday 28/08/07**

Oh, so nice to see the infamous Louis in action ;) Niall’s right babes you do look like a couple. Hurry up and tell him you fancy him, he obviously fancies you! Look at those smiles when you said rose vest/Brendan Ross. He loooooves you.

* * *

**snowghosts - 5:11pm, Tuesday 28/08/07**

Louise don’t :( he doesn’t, I don’t need false hope :(

* * *

 

Their TAITV thread on the forum rapidly devolves into ‘let’s talk about how Harry and Louis look like a couple’ from there, despite Harry’s protests. Part of him likes it, obviously, that other people think they should be dating. It’s validating. But the rest of him is embarrassed by how obvious he is, and... he’s scared. Harry’s _good_ with friends with benefits, he really is, mostly, but he knows the danger lies in him tricking himself into believing it’s real. He doesn’t need his friends doing the same thing.

Eventually Zayn comes back online and tells them to shut up, because he knows Harry’s uncomfortable with it. Harry’s so grateful to him, he’d just stopped replying because he couldn’t keep saying the same thing, that there’s nothing there. Especially because he knows there is something there, he just doesn’t think Louis _wants_ it.

He watches the video a few times, trying to see what they see. He can definitely see his own feelings for Louis all over his face, and the thought of thousands of TAI/Cobra fans seeing it too makes him want to curl up and die.

He’s not sure about Louis. Yes, he’s holding Harry back just as tightly, and yes, when Harry makes jokes, his face does light up in this fascinating combination of delighted, surprised, and proud. He’s not sure what else screams ‘couple’ to his friends, other than the contrast between the two of them with their arms around each other and Zayn by himself. Niall had said ‘spot the couple’… and maybe he was right.

Harry digs his camera out of his bag and takes out his SD card. He’d filmed a lot of the weekend, so he’s going to watch it all and see if he can pick up on anything in the way Louis treats him.

God, he’d filmed so much, more than he'd realised, he’s got loads of short clips and some that are much longer. He goes to the start and watches them attempt setting up the tent - Louis’s got the camera and he’s zoomed in on Harry struggling with some canvas. There’s videos from the mornings, Zayn scowling at the camera and Louis smiling sweetly. There’s videos from around the campfire at night, Harry had forgotten Niall had his camera for a bit, so the videos are full of strangers. But Niall had also filmed him and Louis sitting by the fire, curled into each other and discussing something intently, and Harry rewatches it a few dozen times. He hadn’t realised they looked like that from the outside - like it’s just the two of them in their own little world.

There are a million videos of bands, Harry really did film as much as he could. And then he finds a video from Saturday night. He’s got the camera and he’s talking to Louis, and Louis is flirting with him. It’s the teasing in his voice, the way he’s looking at Harry off camera, the angle of his body, the glint in his eyes. Harry watches his mouth as he talks and wants to kiss him, and he’s watching a fucking screen. It’s no wonder he’s so blindsided by it in real life; he can’t recognise this as flirting most of the time, all he can think about is how attractive Louis is.

Seeing it now is like seeing clearly for the first time. Just seeing the way Louis looks at him, the way he speaks to him, while he’s at home by himself, removed from the situation… he gets it. He sees what other people see.

He’s still totally unconvinced that Louis wants anything more than a casual shag, but at least he understands why people think they’re in love.

To take his mind off that, he watches his videos of the bands he’d seen. He ends up editing a bunch of his videos together in Windows Movie Maker, because he’s got some great footage and he wants to remember the weekend and share it with others. He also rips the TAITV episode from Youtube so he can add in the bit where they met Ryland.

When he’s finished his video and it’s taking several hours to save, Harry looks at the time. It’s almost 2am, which means it’s Liam’s birthday! He wants to open Myspace and post a bulletin, but he’s pretty sure WMM will freeze if he does, and he doesn’t want to lose all that work.

Which means he can’t do anything, just wait for WMM to save. It’s 2am, he should probably sleep, but he wants to start uploading the video before he crashes. Finally the video saves, and Harry goes to Youtube and starts the upload, then he puts his laptop on his bedside table and watches the progress bar slowly tick until he falls asleep.

*

**Myspace Bulletin**

**From: ghosts in the snow.**

**Date: Aug 29, 2007 11:23 AM**

**Subject:** HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIAM ++ Reading vid

**Body:**

IT’S LIAM’S BIRTHDAY~*~*~ AND HE’S LEGAL NOW~*~*~

meeting this kid in line at rise against was like meeting a fellow alien. like, imagine you’re an alien, right, and you’re surrounded by all these humans, and then you meet another alien. it’s like instant kinship, yeah?

i’m not saying i’m an alien… anyway.

liam’s a sweetheart. he fits in with us but he rounds us out aswell. we need his common sense- if it weren’t for him, we’d have been sleeping on sticks for an entire weekend. ily leemo.

[photo embedded: Harry, Liam, Louis, Zayn, and Niall at Reading]

ps. I MADE A VIDEO OUT OF EVERYTHING I FILMED AT READING !! it’s long but it was probs the best weekend of my life so i couldn’t leave stuff out.

[video embedded: readingfest07 by ghostharry]

<3 <3 <3

***

**6 september**

Harry’s sat on Louis’s bed reading the new issue of AP, while Louis sits beside him and reads Harry’s new Rolling Stone. Louis’s computer is shuffling through his iTunes and The Matches are playing, Salty Eyes. Louis loves this band at the moment, maybe Harry should listen to them more.

“Dinner’s nearly on,” Jay says from outside Louis’s door, then she knocks and opens it a bit to stick her head in. “Can you set the table - oh, hello, Harry! I didn’t know you were here.”

She’s only been home for an hour or so, and she’s been busy, and Harry’s been in Louis’s room, so he’s not surprised she hadn’t known he was here. He feels bad, though; he used to spend more time with Louis’s sisters, and sometimes he and Lottie used to make dinner so that it was ready when Jay walked in the door.

All of Louis’s sisters need less supervision these days, so that’s part of the reason he and Louis have been holing themselves up in Louis’s room. But Harry knows the main reason is the privacy. Harry loves being alone with Louis, especially now, because when they’re alone, it feels like this is real.

God, Harry really should be spending more time with Louis’s sisters, if that’s how he feels. He needs to stop tricking himself into feeling like Louis’s his boyfriend.

“Sorry,” he says to Jay. “I didn’t mean to hide away.”

Jay smiles at him. “No worries, love, are you having tea here?”

“Yeah, he’s sleeping over,” Louis says. “I thought I told you.”

Jay frowns. “I haven’t seen you since I got home, did you tell me telepathically?”

Harry laughs while Louis rolls his eyes. “No, I texted you earlier.”

“Oh,” Jay says. “I haven’t looked at my phone. Alright, you win.”

Louis gives Harry a triumphant grin.

“Oh, no, Harry love, are you still vegetarian?” Jay asks.

Harry nods; he’s been ‘trying it out’ since Reading, but he thinks he’s ready to commit to it. It’s only been two weeks, but the idea of eating animals makes his stomach turn a bit now.

“We’re having chicken and veg,” Jay says sadly.

“That’s alright,” Harry says. “I can eat the veg?”

“Yes, but you’ll need something else,” she says. “C’mon Lou, get up and have a look at what we’ve got.”

Not a lot, as it turns out. They’re a few days off doing a grocery shop, and Harry could put together a meal with what they have, he’s gotten very good at omelettes and potato bakes, but he feels weird doing that in someone else’s kitchen, with someone else’s food.

Even though it’s Jay’s kitchen, and Louis’s family basically feels like Harry’s family. And Harry’s cooked for them all before. It still feels weird cooking for just himself.

“I could have toast,” Harry says as Louis’s still hunting through the pantry.

“I thought we had boxed cheesy pasta,” Louis grumbles to himself, then he looks at Harry. “You’re not having toast! Look, we’ve got pot noodles!”

Harry doesn’t think pot noodles are much better than toast, but he doesn’t care, and Louis’s being cute. “Yeah, that’ll work.”

“You could even put your veggies in it,” Louis says. Harry likes that idea.

Jay’s in the kitchen too, microwaving the vegetables, and she says, “Are you sure that’s alright, Harry?”

“Yeah, it’s fine,” Harry reassures her. “Who doesn’t love pot noodles?”

“Mum,” Louis says, looking at the packet. “How do I cook these again?”

Jay stands still holding a container of broccoli and stares at him. “Seriously? You boil the water. Honestly, who raised you?”

Louis pouts as he gets out a saucepan and Harry laughs at him. “Shut up, I was only joking.”

Jay laughs and shakes her head. She puts the broccoli in the microwave, sets the timer and leaves the room.

“You weren’t joking,” Harry teases him as he fills the saucepan with water. “D’you want me to cook it?”

“No, fuck off, I can make pot noodles,” Louis says with a scowl.

“What’m I gonna do then, just watch you?” Harry asks, leaning back against the kitchen counter and watching Louis turn on the stove. “I’m already bored.”

He isn’t. He could watch Louis for hours, and watching him (attempt to) cook is one of Harry’s wild domestic fantasies. He’s trying to be cool, though.

Louis snorts a laugh. “Well, since I have to wait for the water to boil,” he says, turning around and opening a drawer. “You can help me set the table.”

Harry gathers up cutlery - turns out he can hold at least twice as much as Louis, which Louis is unhappy about and Harry feels proud of for some absurd reason. They go into the dining room and set the table, and while they’re in there, the microwave beeps.

Jay calls out from some other part of the house, “The Mikeyway is beeping! Can someone get it!”

Harry looks at Louis and they burst out laughing.

“The Mikeyway?” Harry asks.

“I called it that once as a joke, and she thought it was hilarious,” Louis says through his laughter. “Now it’s stuck, all the girls say it too.”

Harry’s almost in tears.

“Lou!” Jay calls, sounding closer now. She’d probably gone into the kitchen to get the broccoli out herself, and Harry feels bad. She does way too much. “Get back here, your water’s boiling over!”

“Oh shit,” Louis says and runs to the kitchen. Harry doubles over laughing again.

*

After dinner, they go back to Louis’s room. Harry left his phone on Louis’s bed, and when he picks it up, he’s got a text.

 **from: zaynie  
** **it was confirmed to mtv, g’s married!**

“Holy shit,” Harry says, and he’s suddenly swamped with a wave of feelings.

Rumours about this have been circling for days. My Chemical Romance are on the Projekt Revolution tour at the moment, which Harry has been loving. There’s a band on that tour called Mindless Self Indulgence, and they’re pretty cool, they’re progressive and they like to shake things up, though Harry could do without the slurs in their music. There’s two girls in the band and Gerard’s been dating the bassist for a few months.

Harry always finds it so hard to believe rumours of Gerard and girls. Gerard had had a whirlwind engagement earlier this year with a drama-magnet hairdresser, and at the time Harry was convinced it was fake, until Gerard started wearing a ring. There’s this element of weird to his relationships, like something doesn’t quite make sense. Harry wonders if he only feels that way because he wants Gerard to be queer.

So when Gerard was all over LynZ this tour, Harry hadn’t quite known what to make of it. Seems like Gerard does like girls, which is honestly a blow to Harry’s queer intuition. It also feels like a rebound, like he’s rushing into something after the engagement thing, even though he apparently met her years ago. Harry’s a bit worried about him, and the internet’s _really_ worried about him.

And now there’s been rumours that he’s gotten married. And now it’s confirmed. Harry can’t deny he’s a little bit disappointed, but he feels bad about that.

“What is it?” Louis asks.

“Gerard got married,” Harry says, feeling like he’s in a daze.

Louis looks confused. “To a girl?”

Harry huffs, too dazed to laugh properly. “Yeah,” he says. “The bassist from MSI. D’you mind if I use your computer? I wanna check the forum.”

“Yeah, of course,” Louis says, gesturing to it.

Harry sits down in Louis’s computer chair and opens Firefox. He’s gone on the forum at Louis’s before—not often, because it freaks him out, the idea that he might forget to log out and then Louis could see everything. Harry hasn’t looked at his blog at Louis’s, will only stick to the Music section or the Random thread, but it feels weird enough being in the same room as Louis with the forum open and knowing there’s a wealth of feelings about him written there.

Louis’s endlessly curious about the forum. He sits on his bed while Harry logs in, and Harry looks over to see his eyes widen as the forum opens up. Harry smiles to himself, it’s always the same reaction. He thinks Louis feels a bit left out, like the forum is this weird forbidden part of Harry’s life.

He opens up the MCR-specific section, which is usually full of fun updates about Projekt Rev and less fun rumours. Today, though, Jesy’s posted a thread announcing the MTV confirmation, which is odd in itself—she’s their admin, but she’s busy with uni, so she’s not often around. And then everyone in that thread is freaking out.

Harry scrolls through, Louis looking over his shoulder, trying to see if there’s any other new information. Zayn’s posted the marriage certificate that he found on LJ. Wow.

“Have the band spoken about it yet?” Louis asks.

“I don’t think so,” Harry says, and then he posts in the thread to ask.

Kendall reposts the photos that cropped up the other day and kicked all the rumours off, of Gerard and LynZ and a minister. There’s also a backstage photo which looks like it might be the ceremony, and Ray’s there, as well as Steve from MSI.

“Okay, but what the fuck,” Louis says. “How could he get married without Mikey?”

“Maybe Mikey and Frank were there, they’re just not in the photo,” Harry tries to make sense of it. Because Louis’s right: Harry doesn’t _know_ a Gerard Way who’d get married without Mikey there.

“You know if Frank was there he’d have put a stop to it,” Louis says, shaking his head.

Harry laughs, but his heart hurts. He didn’t think he’d care this much about Gerard getting married. Frank’s been engaged for ages, Harry’s been expecting a marriage announcement from _him_. That should’ve killed off his Frank/Gerard feelings, but it hasn’t, and Projekt Rev has been full of the two of them groping and kissing and wrestling and humping each other, it’s sucked him right back in.

Gerard getting married feels like another nail in the Frank/Gerard coffin, and Harry’s not ready to let go yet.

“You know, I think I’d almost tricked myself into thinking that maybe Frank and Gerard have a thing going on on tour,” Harry says. “But now his _wife_ is on tour with them.”

Louis clicks his tongue and frowns thoughtfully. “Maybe they’re all in a four-way relationship,” he suggests. “Maybe Frank married Gerard in secret as well.”

“You should write fanfiction.” Harry laughs again, and it feels better this time. “That literally makes the most sense to me though. Part of me just can’t believe Gerard married a woman.”

“Y’know, I still think he’s fluid with his sexuality,” Louis says. “What the fuck was the whole thing with Bert if he isn’t?”

“Very good point,” Harry says, because if Bert McCracken and Gerard Way weren’t shagging at one point, everything Harry knows is a lie. “Gerard literally broke Bert’s heart.”

“At least Bert’s obviously queer,” Louis says, and Harry laughs and then boggles at him.

“Jesus christ, if you’d told me a year ago that _Bert_ would be my big gay hope…”

“I know, right,” Louis says with a laugh. “I want to find Dougie’s poster and write ‘I’m sorry’ on it.”

Harry giggles. “Let’s get him a new poster and write nice things on it.”

“Okay,” Louis says with a grin, and Harry leans against him and sighs. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Harry says. “S’just. Gerard. Sometimes I wish I could talk to him, know what he’s really thinking.”

“You're not wrong about him, you know," Louis says. "Fuck, even if he’s completely straight. Even if the whole thing with Frank’s an act.”

“Even if he just used Bert for fame?” Harry asks quietly.

“Even then,” Louis says. “Well, I dunno. He probably has done questionable shit, most people have. I just think at his core, he's a good person, and he’s had a really good influence on us, he's made music that has helped when we’ve needed it. Unless he does something awful, that's what matters to me.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Harry says. “I don't think it helps that I see all this gossip and it makes me question my perception of them. Most of it’s probably not even true, it’s just hard to reconcile what people say with who I thought they were.”

“The truth is probably somewhere in the middle,” Louis says. That makes sense. “But they’re still good people. I don’t want you to feel bad because you love them.”

Harry smiles at him sadly. “Thanks.”

“D’you wanna watch old interviews?” Louis asks, and Harry does, so Louis opens up Youtube and then turns his desktop monitor so they can watch from the bed.

After a few videos, Louis’s sick of getting up and down to find new ones, so they put on LOTMS. Harry curls around Louis and rests his head on Louis's chest, and he thinks of all the thousands of times they’ve watched this DVD. It feels better now, like they’re closer than they’ve ever been.

Louis plays with his hair as they watch and Harry starts to drift.

There’s something about falling asleep on top of Louis’s chest that’s so calming and comforting. Harry's favourite sleep position will always be little spoon, but he likes this too, his ear and cheek pressed to Louis’s chest. His steady and soothing heartbeat lulls Harry to sleep, makes him feel safe. He sleeps best that way, he’s actually realising. Close to Louis’s heart.

***

**21 september**

Harry’s spending at least one night a week with Louis now.

Every time it’s the same. They start out awkward and tentative, like they’re unsure if this is really happening. Harry likes that, it builds anticipation, but it’s not really genuine, because Harry always feels this same inevitability. Like of _course_ it’s happening. Which makes sense, because he’s always going to want Louis, and it seems like Louis wants him.

Like regardless of whatever their minds or hearts say, their bodies belong together, understand each other. Harry’s never felt more complete than he does while cuddling Louis in a post-orgasm afterglow. He can’t help thinking about if they’ll ever have full-on sex, wonders how complete he’d feel then.

But he likes that it feels like they belong together in some way, even if only physically. It gives him hope that maybe one day they’ll be on the same page.

He also likes that there’s a routine to what they have, a predictability. Maybe it makes it feel more like an actual relationship, maybe he just likes the familiarity. Sometimes he thinks he’s lulled himself into a false sense of security, because he knows the contentment he’s found with their situation is shaky at best. He’s not on solid ground here at all, and the more they keep doing this, creating a routine, the more it’s going to feel like the rug is pulled out from under him when Louis finds someone else.

It makes Harry feel winded just thinking about it, but there’s nothing stopping Louis from pulling other people. He wishes what they had was exclusive, but they’ve never talked about it, and it feels delusional to think Louis might feel the same way. Harry knows that Louis’s attracted to him, but he’s pretty sure this thing between them is only happening because Harry will let it happen, he’s there, and Louis trusts him, he’s Louis’s best option. He won’t let himself believe there’s more to it, and he’s trying to accept it for what it is, but that means he’s getting comfortable.

His heart is going to get broken. It’s inevitable. Somehow it used to be easier to remember that.

And yeah, in his bad moments, he’s listening to Checkmarks by The Academy Is on repeat (as well as basically every FOB song) and thinking about how this is just sex for Louis. But Louis doesn’t have a cold heart and he isn’t kissing other boys and his “bedroom behaviour” doesn’t _feel_ like checkmarks on bed posts. It feels like more.

***

**22 september**

**~ louis. // we lie curled like question marks (my soft & deep) says:  
**you arent talking to me  
**\-- keep quiet. nothing comes as easy as you. xxH says:  
**i know .. in fact i am not talking to you as we speak  
**~ louis. // we lie curled like question marks (my soft & deep) says:  
**of course not  
**~ louis. // we lie curled like question marks (my soft & deep) says:  
**we’re communicating through our tentacles  
**~ louis. // we lie curled like question marks (my soft & deep) says:  
**what is this talking nonsense  
**\-- keep quiet. nothing comes as easy as you. xxH says:  
**lmao as we do  
**~ louis. // we lie curled like question marks (my soft & deep) says:  
**so us~~  
**~ louis. // we lie curled like question marks (my soft & deep) says:  
**speaking of  
**~ louis. // we lie curled like question marks (my soft & deep) says:  
**are u ok?  
**\-- keep quiet. nothing comes as easy as you. xxH says:  
**yeah. sorry if it feels like im avoiding you the last couple days, im just in my head  
**~ louis. // we lie curled like question marks (my soft & deep) says:  
**i get that <3 just checkin in  
**\-- keep quiet. nothing comes as easy as you. xxH says:  
**<3  
**\-- keep quiet. nothing comes as easy as you. xxH says:  
**oh  
**\-- keep quiet. nothing comes as easy as you. xxH says:  
**there was something i wanted to show you  
**\-- keep quiet. nothing comes as easy as you. xxH says:  
**we should totes make fake blood some time  
**\-- keep quiet. nothing comes as easy as you. xxH says:  
**<http://futureperfect.livejournal.com/764090.html>[  
](http://futureperfect.livejournal.com/764090.html)**\-- keep quiet. nothing comes as easy as you. xxH says:  
**idk what we would do with it  
**\-- keep quiet. nothing comes as easy as you. xxH says:  
**but i feel like it would be fun  
**~ louis. // we lie curled like question marks (my soft & deep) says:  
**YES I LOVE IT  
**~ louis. // we lie curled like question marks (my soft & deep) says:  
**oh shit, halloween is going to be killer this year  
**\-- keep quiet. nothing comes as easy as you. xxH says:  
**hahaha yessss  
**~ louis. // we lie curled like question marks (my soft & deep) says:  
**hey, might convince mum to let me have a halloween party  
**\-- keep quiet. nothing comes as easy as you. xxH says:  
**aw that would be awesome  
**\-- keep quiet. nothing comes as easy as you. xxH says:  
**dooooo it  
**\-- keep quiet. nothing comes as easy as you. xxH says:  
**fake blood! :D  
**~ louis. // we lie curled like question marks (my soft & deep) says:  
**EVERYWHERE! :D  
**\-- keep quiet. nothing comes as easy as you. xxH says:  
**LOL YES  
**~ louis. // we lie curled like question marks (my soft & deep) says:  
**im sure she will be impressed  
**\-- keep quiet. nothing comes as easy as you. xxH says:  
**i’m sure the promise of this is the way you will persuade her to let it happen  
**~ louis. // we lie curled like question marks (my soft & deep) says:  
**defs. 'hmmm, party?... im not so sure' 'what if i smother your nicely clean house with a bloody concoction that is sure to stain everything you own' 'well in that case..... how can i say no'  
**\-- keep quiet. nothing comes as easy as you. xxH says:  
**aaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaha  
**~ louis. // we lie curled like question marks (my soft & deep) says:  
**thats totes how i see the conversation happening. perhaps i should prerecord this then play it back to her, to assure her that she is just losing her mind and she already agreed  
**\-- keep quiet. nothing comes as easy as you. xxH says:  
**defs  
**\-- keep quiet. nothing comes as easy as you. xxH says:  
**defs do that  
**~ louis. // we lie curled like question marks (my soft & deep) says:  
**haha, *marge voice* 'you sure can'  
**\-- keep quiet. nothing comes as easy as you. xxH says:  
**ahahahaha omg  
**\-- keep quiet. nothing comes as easy as you. xxH says:  
**bc your mother sounds exactly like marge  
**\-- keep quiet. nothing comes as easy as you. xxH says:  
**everything works!  
**~ louis. // we lie curled like question marks (my soft & deep) says:  
**IT ALL FITS!  
**~ louis. // we lie curled like question marks (my soft & deep) says:  
**its like my life has been leading up to this very moment  
**\-- keep quiet. nothing comes as easy as you. xxH says:  
**this is the reason you were born  
**~ louis. // we lie curled like question marks (my soft & deep) says:  
**the purpose of my very existence  
**\-- keep quiet. nothing comes as easy as you. xxH says:  
**boils down to this 

***

**26 september**

Harry’s been writing a lot lately. His life mostly revolves around shifts at the bakery, at least one night a week with Louis, the occasional party thrown by his friends (less and less common as most of them get stuck into uni), and music. When he’s feeling particularly mopey, that usually means listening to other peoples’ music, but sometimes that’s not enough. So he started reaching for a notebook when he was feeling overwhelmed, and just writing out his thoughts and feelings. And then he realised it looked like poetry, which is like songwriting, and so he shaped them into songs.

Now he’s doing it so often that he catches himself thinking to a melody. It’s cool, though; he doesn’t plan on showing anyone most of the songs, but he thinks he can see himself improving. His songs mostly consist of lyrics and basic guitar progressions, but his guitar playing’s getting better—he’s still going to lessons. Melody is important to him, so he’s trying to work on stepping that up.

He’s also trying to work on lyrics that aren’t so completely transparent. He wants to show his songs to Louis more than anything - Louis’s his _best friend_ , and he’s written songs himself, Harry did Music with him, he’s _interested_ in Louis’s opinion - but his feelings are so obvious, Harry might as well just write down ‘hey lol I’m in love with you’ and give Louis that.

They’re in a good place. Now that they’re away from school, away from their friends and parties, they’ve fallen into this soft routine, spending the nights at each others’ houses and kissing like it’s real. Harry knows he’s being totally foolish, but it’s almost like he has a boyfriend for two or three days a week, and he’s fine with that. He doesn’t want to upset the delicate balance they’ve found.

He thinks soon he’ll be able to put together something subtle to show Louis. He’s attempting metaphors at the moment, getting in touch with his inner Gerard Way. He likes feeling like he’s saying something without actually saying it. He wants to make people work to understand him. 

***

 ****** 1 october **

They’re cuddling in bed when Harry decides it’s time to at least float the idea of his songs by Louis.

“I wanted to talk to you about something,” Harry says, playing with his lip ring.

“Anything,” Louis says. “Stop doing that, though, it’s distracting.”

Harry can’t help smiling as he drops his hand. “Okay. I just. I wanted to tell you that I’ve been writing a lot lately. Like, song-writing, I mean.”

Louis lights up with excitement. “Have you?”

“Yeah,” Harry says, feeling a bit more confident. “Yeah, I mean, I wanna show you soon, I just don’t think they’re ready yet — ”

“That’s okay,” Louis reassures him.

“But I wanted to see how you felt about, like, trying to play some songs together?”

A grin spreads across Louis’s face. “Um, I’d love that,” he says. “Like, our own songs, or covers?”

For some reason, that reminds Harry of last year, Louis guiding Harry’s fingers across piano keys as he taught him the intro to Welcome To The Black Parade. That’s what he thinks of when he thinks of them doing covers together, which. Yes. He wants that.

Plus, he just likes covers.

“I think both would be amazing,” Harry says. “I think doing covers would be so much fun.”

“We could film ourselves and put it on Myspace,” Louis says. “It could be cool.”

“Yes,” Harry agrees. “We could have our own little band! Lou! I want us to have a band!”

“Me too,” Louis says with a crinkly-eyed grin. “That would actually be so awesome.”

“I know!” Harry cries, and then there’s a knock on Louis’s door and Phoebe’s complaining that Daisy keeps turning off The Teletubbies, and Louis has to get up and put on pants to sort it out.

Harry’s distracted by his naked body for a bit, but then he goes back to thinking about the band thing. He really, really loves the idea of recording covers together, recording their own songs. Just the both of them playing guitar and singing. Harry would love to be in a full band one day, but he thinks for right now, this idea feels perfect.

Louis comes back and crawls into bed, grumbling, “Fucking Teletubbies.”

“Maybe that should be our thing,” Harry says. “Like, our band's thing. Teletubbies.”

“Like, we'll have Tinky Winky on drums or summit?” Louis says with a laugh.

“Exactly,” Harry says. “We can turn his head antennae thing into some sort of cymbal apparatus.”

“Perfect,” Louis says. “We can call ourselves Rogue Teletubby. It sounds like a rad insult.”

Harry giggles, and then he says, “And we’re jazz metal dance punk.”

“Obviously. Can I play lead trumpet?”

“You play trumpet?”

“In this fantasy I do.”

“Yes, then,” Harry decides. “I’ll play the flute.”

“So you’re on flute and lead vocals – ”

“Why am I the lead?”

“Because I love your voice, don’t fight me. I’ll be back-up vocals.”

“No, we share,” Harry insists.

“Ugh, fine. How do you feel about attaching a thousand tiny bells to your hair, then you can make beautiful music while you headbang?”

“I feel amazing about that,” Harry says. “So I’m vocals, flute, and bell hair. You’re lead trumpet, vocals, and…”

“Metamorphosis,” Louis says decisively.

“Perfect,” says Harry. “That’s just what we need. I think Niall can play both lead and rhythm guitar for us.”

“At the same time?” Louis asks, and Harry nods.

“Of course.”

“Brilliant,” says Louis. “I’ve got an album title, are you ready – ” Harry nods vigorously. “Our debut album is called ‘The Fresh Prince of Bell Hair’. AKA, you.”

“Oh my fucking God,” Harry says, finally breaking into laughter. “That’s so good.”

“Thank you,” Louis says with a smile. And Harry loves him, loves when their conversations dissolve into nonsense, but he loves even more that Louis wants to do this with him. 

***

**10 october**

**;; louis. the quiet things that no one ever knows. says:  
**harry  
**;; louis. the quiet things that no one ever knows. says:  
**read this  
**;; louis. the quiet things that no one ever knows. says:  
**<https://bandom-primers.livejournal.com/7914.html>[  
](https://bandom-primers.livejournal.com/7914.html)**;; louis. the quiet things that no one ever knows. says:  
**tl;dr - jesse from brand new and john from tbs/straylight run have this huge complicated gay history and i had no idea. they were besties then john shagged jesses gf or s/t and then jesse, heartbroken, wrote 70x7 which makes that song so much gayer to me idky i never realsied. then john wrote theres no i in team which fuckin quotes 70x7. and they had this big public feud and prolly kept writing songs about each other and then john WROTE JESSE A LOVE SONG IM SRS and now theyre bffls again i think  
**\- and i don’t see those stars (i’m not your star) xxH says:  
**um holy shit  
**\- and i don’t see those stars (i’m not your star) xxH says:  
**lol i was reading but il ur teal deer  
**;; louis. the quiet things that no one ever knows. says:  
**ikr . and thx bb  
**;; louis. the quiet things that no one ever knows. says:  
**i didnt even fuckin know about the 70x7 / theres no i in team thing. i dont think ive listened to tayf enugh bc im listening now and theres so much i didnt pick up on  
**;; louis. the quiet things that no one ever knows. says:  
**like i think timberwolves at new jersey is also about jesse bc  
Was his demise so carefully constructed?  
Well let's just say I got what I wanted  
**;; louis. the quiet things that no one ever knows. says:  
**also  
This is you trying hard to  
Make sure that you're seen  
With a girl on your arm  
And your heart on your sleeve  
....doesnt that sound like jesse?  
**\- and i don’t see those stars (i’m not your star) xxH says:  
**it’s just amazing, it does kinda seems like they had a thing doesn’t it  
**\- and i don’t see those stars (i’m not your star) xxH says:  
**or a very intense friendship which i also rlly love  
**\- and i don’t see those stars (i’m not your star) xxH says:  
**and ia that does sound like it’s about him  
**\- and i don’t see those stars (i’m not your star) xxH says:  
**how did you not know????  
**;; louis. the quiet things that no one ever knows. says:  
**idk!! i dont look into things  
**;; louis. the quiet things that no one ever knows. says:  
**i get all my gossip from you!!! lol and you’re not into them  
**\- and i don’t see those stars (i’m not your star) xxH says:  
**yes i am!!!! for the 100th time lol  
**;; louis. the quiet things that no one ever knows. says:  
**THEN WHY DIDNT U TELL ME ABOUT THIS ???  
**;; louis. the quiet things that no one ever knows. says:  
**CHECK AND MATE  
**\- and i don’t see those stars (i’m not your star) xxH says:  
**urgh fuck off lol  
**;; louis. the quiet things that no one ever knows. says:  
**nope, bc ur not a fan, i had to go looking ON MY OWN like a noob  
**\- and i don’t see those stars (i’m not your star) xxH says:  
**i’d say you’re quite literally a noob bc you don’t find your own gossip but ok  
**;; louis. the quiet things that no one ever knows. says:  
**shut up harold. im an expert now  
**\- and i don’t see those stars (i’m not your star) xxH says:  
**lol how did you even find this out anyway  
**;; louis. the quiet things that no one ever knows. says:  
**i’ve been listening to loads of bn/tbs lately and i was looking up the meanings to some songs and then i came across this fuckin wealth of gay knowledge  
**\- and i don’t see those stars (i’m not your star) xxH says:  
**bravo tbh  
**;; louis. the quiet things that no one ever knows. says:  
**tyvm  
**;; louis. the quiet things that no one ever knows. says:  
**another thing i found out tho, john nolans ex gf was in high school and he was an adult :/ he went to her prom :/  
**;; louis. the quiet things that no one ever knows. says:  
**idk i thought that was pretty weird/gross  
**\- and i don’t see those stars (i’m not your star) xxH says:  
**that is gross  
**\- and i don’t see those stars (i’m not your star) xxH says:  
**reminds me of the other day, i saw that pete wentz was 23 when he got together with his 15 year old ex :/ it was like 2003 but they’ve been on-off since and only recently broke up, shit keeps going down between them and ashlee simpson  
**\- and i don’t see those stars (i’m not your star) xxH says:  
**so she’s the one that most of their angry songs are about :/ just feels weird listening to them thinking that an adult man is thinking that about a 15 yo  
**;; louis. the quiet things that no one ever knows. says:  
**urghhh yeah ik what you mean  
**;; louis. the quiet things that no one ever knows. says:  
**god more like pedo wentz y/y??  
**\- and i don’t see those stars (i’m not your star) xxH says:  
**y :/  
**\- and i don’t see those stars (i’m not your star) xxH says:  
**also i’ve seen stories about loads of dudes in bands chatting up underage fans  
**;; louis. the quiet things that no one ever knows. says:  
**wtf  
**;; louis. the quiet things that no one ever knows. says:  
**what is with that  
**\- and i don’t see those stars (i’m not your star) xxH says:  
**idk but if our band ever exists we’ve gotta talk publicly about how fucked up it is  
**;; louis. the quiet things that no one ever knows. says:  
**dw hazza, our band WILL exist and we will >:( 

***

**20 october**

The second Cobra Starship album leaks while Louis’s in the middle of eight days straight of ten hour shifts. He doesn’t really have the time to come over, and even if he did, he’d be exhausted. Plus, while he likes Cobra Starship, they aren’t really one of his bands. Harry texts him and he says he’s fine missing out on this first-listen if Harry is.

Everything’s better with Louis, but Harry’s getting so much of his time at the minute that he can’t really be upset about it. Even if he hasn’t seen Louis for four entire days. Harry misses him.

It’s okay though, especially as Zayn and Niall are online and they’re just as excited for this album. They’re all having a little listening party on the forum together. It’s a bit weird just being alone with the music and his own reactions, but in no time he gets sucked into capslocking his feelings with Niall and Zayn, and it feels as if they’re in the room.

Harry’s already heard some of these songs, so he already knows he likes The City Is At War, and then it’s Guilty Pleasure, which is literally a work of art. Harry, Niall, and Zayn spend the whole song screaming the lyrics at each other in their Fangs Up Listening Party thread.

And then the third song starts, One Day Robots Will Cry, and halfway through the first verse, Harry has to look up the lyrics. It’s classic Gabe songwriting, really, emotional and smart, it reminds Harry of Midtown and his favourite songs on the first Cobra album.

In the second verse, Gabe sings, “ _I’ve known you in every life I’ve lived_ ,” and Harry stops breathing for a second.

It’s just. It’s Louis. Harry was already thinking that, he’s finding it very easy to relate to the song - _one day we will sleep for days/come over, come over/I won’t make the same mistakes_ \- literally just the chorus makes him think of Louis. How many countless hours have they spent in his bed, how many times has Harry actually thought that he won’t make the same mistake this time, things will be different. It’s just the yearning of it, it feels like having something but knowing it could be _more_ , and that’s exactly how Harry feels.

Besides that, it’s the connection they have, how Louis feels like his soulmate, if that sort of thing exists. Harry thinks it does. When they’d visited his nan a few months ago, she’d asked after Louis, and Harry’s mum had referred to him as Harry’s soulmate. And now Harry can’t get that thought out of his head, and the idea that he’s known Louis in past lives - it feels accurate. Feels right.

He’s so lost in the song and his thoughts that he’s left Niall and Zayn to their own devices. They’re just talking about how good the song is, so Harry quickly types ‘robots is my new fave’ before it changes to Kiss My Sass. Which has Travis McCoy in it, so Niall spends the next two minutes and twenty seconds asking where Travie is. His verse is great though, it makes up for how annoying Niall’s being, and Gabe says, “Fangs up Cobra style,” and Harry cracks up. It’s so ridiculous. He loves this stupid band.

Damn You Look Good And I’m Drunk is funny and fun as hell, Harry has to look up the lyrics and then he can’t stop giggling to himself. He copy and pastes the lyrics into their thread, line by line, and he physically cannot wait to show this song to Louis, he’s going to love it.

The song features VIP Party Boys, who are a queer rap group that Harry had never heard of before a few days ago, but that fact makes his gay heart so happy. Makes him love the song more.

And then The World Has Its Shine starts, and Harry disappears from the forum again.

He can tell as soon as the song starts that he’s going to love it, and he googles the lyrics immediately, turns his volume up and lets the song wash over him.

It’s another Louis song, really. Harry’s heart hurts, he relates so much. He can feel himself frowning at the chorus - _not long ago, I gave up hope, but you came along_ \- well fuck, Harry’s fourteen and lonely and Louis’s burst into his life like a fucking supernova. He’s right back there.

Except he mostly feels thankful, now. His and Louis’s relationship is so complicated, Harry knows it’s weird to a lot of people, and nobody in his life seems to understand why they’re not dating. But that aside, Harry’s feelings aside, Louis is still his person. Louis gives him hope.

Harry’s spent so much of this year feeling hopeless about their situation, it’s nice to remember how good Louis actually makes him feel.

“ _More than you could ever know_ ,” Gabe sings, and Harry fucking feels it.

He copies and pastes ‘ _All I ever wanted was to be understood, You’ve been the only one who could, I could never turn my back on you_ ’ into a new reply on the forum, types ‘FUCK’ and posts it.

Zayn quotes him and simply adds the squish hug emoticon, and Harry feels soothed somehow. Understood. Maybe that lyric also applies to the forum.

Smile For The Paparazzi is another fun one, so Harry goes back to copy pasting the lyrics, while Niall types them out in caps a few seconds behind him. Niall posts ‘STEP THE FUCK OFF MY JOCK!!!!!’ along with the bouncy emoticon that’s named after him, three separate times. Harry is certain he’s going to be seeing that phrase on Niall’s Myspace somewhere within the next few hours.

Harry’s a bit bored by Angie, but he thinks it’ll grow on him. Prostitution Is The World’s Oldest Profession, on the other hand, is absolutely incredible. The chorus is just perfect, Harry loves thinly-veiled sex songs, and there’s literally a line that goes _‘take what you need til your body’s numb’_ \- there’s no wonder it’s Harry’s stand-out, aside from the songs that remind him of Louis.

Actually, Louis will love this song too. Harry’s a bit glad Louis’s not here, if he’s honest, because he doesn’t know how he would’ve reacted to those other songs in Louis’s actual presence. But at the same time, he wishes he was. This album is hilarious and Louis’s going to love it.

My Moves Are White is great as well. Pleasure Ryland and Three Times A Lady both feel like Angie, Harry’s sure they’ll grow on him. Overall, it’s probably the stupidest album he’s heard in a while, but it’s so fucking good at the same time. Harry loves their first album, but this one is actually even better. Gabe’s voice is so good, and this one feels more cohesive, more solidly like a band - maybe because he knows the first album is basically Gabe’s solo project.

God, he doesn’t even like dancey music, but when it’s Cobra Starship? He loves it. It’s just so stupid and fun, and then the next song will be melancholic and lovely, and Harry enjoys the juxtaposition. They don’t pigeonhole themselves into a specific kind of sound, and Harry feels like his band would have a similar intent, if it existed.

He replays the album and goes to FBR_Trash to see what they think.

***

**24 october**

Harry can’t stop listening to One Day Robots Will Cry and The World Has Its Shine - he's obsessed with last.fm now, with tracking how much he actually listens to his favourite music, and each of them are approaching a hundred plays after four fricking days. Harry just can't get over them, they both feel like the ache in his chest put to song.

It’s just so confusing, this thing with Louis. Because there's loads Harry loves about it. Obviously he loves being intimate with Louis, but he also loves how it feels when they’re together. Like it’s the two of them in their own little bubble.

And, like, yeah, their friends know, and they think they know more than they do, which annoys Harry sometimes. Their friends don’t think they can be alone together without hooking up, which is just untrue—they still spend hours alone at Louis’s and often nothing happens. Their friends also think they’re both in love with each other, which annoys Harry beyond reason. Still. Always.

How he feels is between him and maybe, _maybe_ the person he’s got feelings for, and that’s probably part of the reason this thing with Louis is working for him. He hates the idea of his feelings being public knowledge. He’s seen the way people his age are with relationships, how everyone gets involved. It was even worse in secondary, and while part of him had always longed to have a boyfriend to cuddle at school, he'd also hated the idea for that reason. The ups and downs of the relationship are exposed to everyone.

Harry saw it happen with Tom and Giovanna. Sure, they’re still together and they’re fine, but every fight they’ve ever had has been public knowledge. Harry would rather keep everything private.

So this is working for him, because it is kind of secret. It’s just for him and Louis.

Of course, the reason for _that_ is that it’s not actually real. It’s not an actual relationship. Louis thinks they’re on the same page, that they’re attracted to each other but there aren’t any real feelings, that neither of them _want_ this to be a relationship, and some days that’s almost the truth. Of course there are feelings, but sometimes Harry’s fine with not actually dating. He just likes that he gets Louis all to himself.

But for all that Harry tries to reason himself into thinking he’s happy with their arrangement, there is a huge glaring problem. And that’s that despite whatever he may dislike about being in a public relationship, all of the pros outweigh the cons, because he’d be _dating Louis_. Sleeping with Louis has exposed Harry to another side of him, the way he takes charge but also the way he takes care of Harry. Harry can imagine even more thoroughly what being loved by Louis would be like, and every time he kisses Louis, part of him thinks that he wants to be able to do that whenever he likes.

Everything else aside, in his heart, Harry wants to be Louis’s boyfriend. What they’re doing is almost like having a trial run, like he gets a taste of what Louis would be like as a boyfriend without actually having it. It’s made Harry want it even more, he wants to wake up with Louis every day, wants to kiss him and hold his hand whenever he feels like it. He wants to feel secure in what they have, he wants to be Louis’s, for Louis to be his. At the end of the day, he does want everyone to know that his and Louis’s hearts are permanently intertwined.

But. That’s not what Louis wants. And so Harry has to constantly remind himself of what he likes about the way things are. He’s not detaching from Louis anymore, not avoiding him to protect himself, and their relationship is probably stronger for it. But Harry has been detaching from his own feelings. He keeps his love for Louis and his actual thing with Louis in two separate boxes, and he’s closed a lid on his feelings.

***

**8 december**

**[zayn] says:  
**harry what are you doing  
**\-- i turn and trip on my clumsy heart . xxH says:  
**just having tea?  
**[zayn] says:  
**no, with louis  
**[zayn] says:  
**what are you DOING  
**\-- i turn and trip on my clumsy heart . xxH says:  
**oic lol  
**\-- i turn and trip on my clumsy heart . xxH says:  
**friends w/ benefits, i guess  
**[zayn] says:  
**idgi  
**[zayn] says:  
**why aren’t you together again?  
**\-- i turn and trip on my clumsy heart . xxH says:  
**its not what he wants. and yeah i want more but i’ll take what i can get lol  
**[zayn] says:  
**harry omg  
**[zayn] says:  
**have you actually talked about it? have you had an actual, real conversation where he told you he didn’t want to date you? that he isn’t in love with you?  
**\-- i turn and trip on my clumsy heart . xxH says:  
**….. not explicitly.  
**[zayn] says:  
**SEE??????  
**\-- i turn and trip on my clumsy heart . xxH says:  
**no but when he broke up with hannah the first time, he said he wanted to wait for the right person  
**[zayn] says:  
**ok wtf why do you think thats not you???  
**[zayn] says:  
**harry?  
**\-- i turn and trip on my clumsy heart . xxH says:  
**soz, thinking. i guess it goes back to earlier this year, the first couple times we kissed. he never said that he liked me or wanted to be with me, and i felt like it was rly obvious i liked him  
**[zayn] says:  
**but you didn’t say anything either did you? and that was ages ago  
**[zayn] says:  
**i just feel like you’ve already decided in your head that he doesn’t want to be your bf, when he’s given no real indication of that  
**[zayn] says:  
**and from my point of view, he acts like your bf. he always has  
**\-- i turn and trip on my clumsy heart . xxH says:  
**maybe i just don’t want to get my hopes up  
**[zayn] says:  
**i get that tbh  
**[zayn] says:  
**i think i’m just worried about you. bc this back and forth w louis has been going on all year, and i see how much it upsets you. and i dont think its as black and white as i think you think it is, bc i srsly think theres a high possibility that he does think you’re the right person, and he’s just as scared as you are  
**[zayn] says:  
**i just said ‘think’ 700 times  
**\-- i turn and trip on my clumsy heart . xxH says:  
**oh god  
**\-- i turn and trip on my clumsy heart . xxH says:  
**ik theres a chance you could be right. i like what we’re doing now, for the most part, but… i know it’s not enough for me, inevitably im probs gonna get hurt, im just… so scared of believing i have a chance in case i don’t  
**[zayn] says:  
**that makes sense. look i’m not saying you have to tell him how you feel right now. but maybe just keep an open mind, don’t close yourself off to the possibility  
**[zayn] says:  
**bc from where im standing… i truly do not understand why you aren’t together  
**[zayn] says:  
**and i don;t think its inevitable you’re gonna get hurt  
**[zayn] says:  
**my prediction is that if you told him you loved him, he’d propose on the spot  
**\-- i turn and trip on my clumsy heart . xxH says:  
**lmao we’re 17!!!!  
**[zayn] says:  
**so? :P  
**\-- i turn and trip on my clumsy heart . xxH says:  
**lol i’ll keep all this in mind. and i’ll think about it. and maybe try to suss out his feelings  
**\-- i turn and trip on my clumsy heart . xxH says:  
**can you just have this talk with him and tell him to make the first move? kthxbai  
**[zayn] says:  
**lolol if i were a better matchmaker i would :( we should get niall to  
**[zayn] says:  
**NO  
**[zayn] says:  
**liam just came online im gonna ask him if lou’s said anything to him  
**\-- i turn and trip on my clumsy heart . xxH says:  
**ejhckejdgkgwjdl  
**\-- i turn and trip on my clumsy heart . xxH says:  
**aaahhhhh  
**[zayn] says:  
**do you not want me to?  
**\-- i turn and trip on my clumsy heart . xxH says:  
**i do but im scared jkhfghfekhkjh  
**\-- i turn and trip on my clumsy heart . xxH says:  
**just don’t tell me if he says something bad :(  
**\-- i turn and trip on my clumsy heart . xxH says:  
**and don’t tell him you’re asking for me!!!  
**[zayn] says:  
**pff i wouldn’t do that who do you think i am  
**\-- i turn and trip on my clumsy heart . xxH says:  
**where are you? was it bad :(  
**[zayn] says:  
**ok sorry that took so long. gonna copypasta  
**[zayn] says:  
**[zayn] says: yooo, do you know wtf is going on with harry and louis? ik they’re shagging and i’m worried about harry getting hurt  
Liam! says: IDK the whole story, but why do you think Harry will get hurt? That’s not the impression i’ve gotten  
[zayn] says: whats that?  
Liam! says: Louis seems to think he’s the one who’s gonna get hurt. I don’t know much more than that though. Does that help?  
[zayn] says: yeah, thx bb. and im worried about harry bc he thinks he’s gonna get hurt. these idiots.  
**[zayn] says:  
**i left in that last line to show you i think you’re both idiots :)  
**\-- i turn and trip on my clumsy heart . xxH says:  
**WHAT  
**\-- i turn and trip on my clumsy heart . xxH says:  
**wtf  
**\-- i turn and trip on my clumsy heart . xxH says:  
**why would louis think that ????  
**[zayn] says:  
**BECAUSE  
**[zayn] says:  
**HE  
**[zayn] says:  
**LOVES  
**[zayn] says:  
**YOU  
**[zayn] says:  
**YOU  
**[zayn] says:  
**FUCKING  
**[zayn] says:  
**MORON  
**[zayn] has left the chat.  
****\-- i turn and trip on my clumsy heart . xxH says:  
**wow ok  
**Your message “wow ok” could not be delivered.**

 **[zayn] says:  
**lol sry that was a dramatic time for my internet to cut out  
**[zayn] says:  
**stand by what i said tho

***

**11 december**

Harry’s stewing in his feelings after that conversation for a few days. He hasn’t even seen Louis since, they’ve both been busy with work, which is probably a good thing. He doesn’t even know how he’d react to Louis right now.

Part of him resents that Zayn’s forced him to confront his feelings, and all of him definitely resents that Zayn’s given him a tiny, pea-sized bubble of hope.

It feels so stupid, like completely foolish, but then he thinks about how softly Louis kisses him, how he can’t keep his hands off Harry even around other people, the way Louis looks at him before they fall asleep. He tries to remember why he doesn’t think Louis feels the same, reminds himself that he likes what they have now and that the rejection will hurt even more if he has hope.

And then. He notices that Louis’s listening to Smother Me by The Used a lot, which is a departure from his recent Jesse Lacey/John Nolan obsession, so Harry listens to it. And his heart aches so badly he thinks it’d be a relief if he were heartbroken instead.

It’s such a sweet song, _let me be the one who calls you baby all the time_ , it’s all about longing to be with someone and how you could just drown in them when you get that, and Harry _relates_.

Then Bert sings, “ _I found my place in the world, could stare at your face for the rest of my days_ ,” and Harry’s crying. Fuck.

He keeps thinking about how almost every time he’s looked at MSN the last few days, Louis’s been listening to this song. He thinks about how Liam said Louis thinks he’s the one who’s going to get hurt. And he can’t help, he can’t _help it_ , the stupid bubble of hope grows much larger in his chest. Maybe he’s got a chance after all.

Louis’s birthday is coming up, and Christmas, and they’re going on a family holiday together. Harry decides to see how all of that goes and take it from there.

But he’s keeping an open mind now. He’s open to the possibility Louis might fancy him back. It’s terrifying, but it’s exhilarating, and he hopes even his change in attitude might make a difference.

 

***

**25 december**

Christmas is going to be wicked this year, Harry can feel it.

Harry slept over Louis’s Christmas Eve, because it was Louis’s birthday, and because he wanted to watch Louis’s sisters open their presents. His parents and Gemma are going to come over with their presents so they can all be together, and then both of their families are leaving for a ski holiday. Harry’s family has been intertwined with Louis’s for a long time, but they haven’t done Christmas together quite like this before.

Louis’s birthday yesterday was lovely. He’s eighteen now, and they’d had his actual party last weekend, so yesterday they’d had cake with his family, hung out with his sisters, and watched Nightmare Before Christmas. And did presents: Harry bought Louis Punk’s Not Dead, which has Frank, Billie Joe Armstrong, and loads of bands Louis likes in it. And Louis’s interested in punk, so Harry feels like he’ll enjoy it. Louis had been happy when he opened it, said he’d been eyeing it up himself. Harry feels like it’s a successful present, when its something the other person has wanted to buy for themselves.

So Harry’s quietly confident about Louis’s Christmas present. Louis’s been so obsessed with Taking Back Sunday this year, since Louder Now came out, really—before that they were a peripheral favourite of his. And Louis’s always loved their first album, especially moreso now that he knows about Jesse and John’s history.

But they weren’t a proper favourite until this year, so he hasn’t actually bought the first album yet. Enter Harry’s perfectly wrapped Christmas present.

Louis’s face lights up after he tears through the paper and uncovers Tell All Your Friends. His smile impossibly grows as he stares at the case, and when he looks up at Harry, his eyes are soft and happy.

“Hazza,” he says, still beaming. “I’ve been meaning to buy this for ages!”

“I know,” Harry says with a giggle.

Louis squints at him a bit, likely because he doesn’t remember telling Harry that. He definitely has, but it was only once, months ago. Since then he’s been listening to Taking Back Sunday incessantly, and Harry had checked his CD collection last week to make sure he hadn’t gotten it without saying anything. It might be weird, but Harry just notices these things about Louis. What he’s listening to, what he likes, what he wants.

Louis puts the CD down and then launches himself at Harry. And it can’t be weird, can it, if it gets him a lapful of Louis.

*

Later, when everyone’s preoccupied in conversation about their presents, Harry spots Louis sitting alone, looking at the little booklet in the album. Harry crawls over to sit beside him.

“I wanna go and listen to it, but I don’t wanna be rude,” Louis says with a smile.

“Especially as you technically own the songs already,” Harry says, giggling as he imagines Jay’s reaction.

“And Mum knows I love this album,” Louis grins. “Anyway, so I thought, there’s nothing stopping me from looking at the booklet, so I am.”

“Thanks for sharing your thought process,” Harry teases.

“You’re welcome,” Louis says, fake seriously. “Did you know the lyrics in here don’t match the songs?”

“What?” Harry frowns, peering at the lyrics booklet even though he doesn’t really know the songs well enough to tell the difference. “Have they printed the wrong band or summat?”

Louis laughs. “No, no,” he says. “I mean, Brand New do this sometimes too, like, there’s alternate versions of the lyrics? Maybe these were the original ones. I think it’s cool, don’t worry.”

Phew. “Oh. Good,” Harry says.

“Makes me wanna listen to it more, though,” Louis says wistfully. “I mean, I remember how the songs go, but I’d rather listen along and pick out the differences.”

“C’mon, lovebugs, tea time,” Jay calls out, and Harry pats Louis’s knee.

“Later,” he says.

*

Later, like much later, they’re in Louis’s room, the album playing from his computer, the lyric booklet spread out across their laps. Louis’s so happy, and although Harry doesn't know all of the songs, he’s loving this. The album's good, and it's definitely really fun to watch Louis freak out over the songs he thinks are about Jesse.

As You’re So Last Summer finishes—one of the ones Harry knows—Louis sighs happily. “I really think the best presents are the ones that are things you were gonna buy yourself.” He looks at Harry, his gaze intense if inscrutable. “Means the person really knows you.”

Harry smiles. “Yeah. I was thinking that earlier.”

“Thank you, Haz,” Louis says, and then he drops his head onto Harry’s shoulder and they listen to the rest of the album.

It’s the best part of Harry’s Christmas, to be honest.

***

**26 december**

Harry sleeps at Louis’s again, and then they’re up bright and early the next day. Louis’s household is in a flurry, but he doesn’t have time to stay and watch them, he needs to get home and get his things together.

Harry’s family always leave on Boxing Day for a one-week skiing holiday, and he always misses Louis like a spare limb. His phone gets spotty reception at the resort, so he can’t even talk to Louis that often unless he sneaks into the business centre. Last year he’d spent most of the week holed up in there; his mum had sent an annoyed Gemma in to fetch him so many times, she’d stolen his iPod to get back at him.

His family’s annual summer holiday to stay with his nan was even harder than that this year. He feels like he’s getting worse and worse at being away from Louis, and as Christmas had approached, he’d worried how this year was going to go.

But now he doesn’t have to worry about it, because Louis and his family are coming on the ski holiday too! His parents had paid off some debts last year, then his step-dad Dan got a raise at work and they’d had more than enough coming up to Christmas, which was a rarity. Louis said he’d suggested the holiday, but Jay and Dan were quickly on board. Harry found out that Jay hasn’t been on a proper holiday since the twins were born—a good six years ago—which honestly makes him want to save up all his money and give it to her. She’s so wonderful, she works so hard and she deserves a break. He’s thankful they can afford to join his family, and also for his step-dad’s membership with the resort chain which means their accommodation is practically free.

He’s also thankful their families get on so well. Louis’s sisters flock around Gemma like she’s their messiah, Jay and Harry’s mum are actual best friends, and he thinks Dan sees Robin as some sort of mentor. Whatever, but it makes Harry happy to see how comfortably they all mix together. It just feels right, and it soothes a part of him, the part that feels like Louis is his home.

*

**29 december**

They’d gotten two 2-bed suites, but they’d split into a kind of adults-and-teens situation. Harry’s sharing a room with Louis, with Gemma, Lottie and Felicite in the other room. Their parents are all in the other suite, with the twins either sleeping on the fold out sofa or squashed in with Jay and Dan. Their suite is right next door, so they’re not totally parent-free, but Harry still feels a bit of independence. It’s cool. Nice.

Even when Louis opened his suitcase and flung his clothes all over their bed looking for his gloves, Harry wouldn’t want to be sharing with anyone else.

It's been a lovely few days. Louis's never been skiing before, so Harry spent a day trying to teach him, and Louis kept distracting him with innuendo or kisses, but by the end of it, he was a much better skier than Harry. He's a natural. 

They'd started yesterday with an epic snowball fight with their sisters, and then they'd all gone skiing again. Louis and Harry separated themselves from everyone early on, skiing from clump of trees to clump of trees to take kissing breaks. Sometimes they'd hear the voice of a family member, and they'd burst into giggles every time. Their families haven't seemed to have figured out what's going on with the two of them, which makes Harry feel like he's getting away with something for some reason.

So it's been a wonderful holiday so far. Nothing's happened at nighttime, though, because they’re sharing a suite with their sisters, and it just feels weird. Harry can’t fathom even snogging Louis while they’re so closeby, regardless of whether they’re asleep or not. He’s sure Louis feels the same way. But they've fallen asleep spooning every night, and they wake up entangled together every morning.

It’s their third morning here, and the third morning Harry’s woken up with Louis, alone in the room. He’s pretty sure Lottie, Fizzy, and Gemma have been going to breakfast with their families every morning, which he and Louis don’t care enough to wake up early for. It doesn’t matter, Harry’s just happy for this private time he’s been getting with Louis every day, and it’s especially nice to wake up to it. 

He's only got two more mornings left before they go home, so he wants to savour this one. It's not like he doesn't get to wake up with Louis at home, but it's different here, in a nice hotel room in a snowy oasis. Softer. More romantic.

Harry can't help wondering if Louis feels it too, but obviously he's not going to ask. When Louis wakes up, though, his hair all fluffy and his morning wood poking Harry's thigh, Harry kisses him, one of the rare times he's made the first move. He needs to make the most of this while he has it.

*

They finally watch Punk’s Not Dead that night, in their room on Harry's laptop. It’s fun to watch with Louis, because his punk knowledge is greater than Harry’s, so he reacts with a happy “Oh!” every time someone from a band he likes appears. So far he’s gotten very excited about people from Alkaline Trio, The Casualties, and Anti-Flag.

The film itself is great, Harry enjoys it from a historical perspective and also because people from his favourite bands pop up. There’s a section that focuses on My Chem and The Used, although it lumps them in with Good Charlotte and Sum41 and Harry’s almost offended. The point of the segment is discussing whether or not those bands are punk, so it includes some annoying comments made by older punk rockers. Harry gets why they’d feel that way, it just seems close-minded. He enjoys the other old punks who have more open-minded views.

Because music has branched out so far these days. Who’s to say what punk is? It feels reductive to say someone can’t be punk just because they’re more mainstream. Harry doesn’t really like trying to define music anyway.

And then Frank says, “I feel the world is not the same place as it was before I was here. You know, I think that’s the worst thing you could possibly do, is to live your life and have the world be the exact same place as it was before you. You have to make a footprint, you have to make a dent, you have to make a change. And even if that change is just to say something that really means something, like, ‘you know what, you’re not alone in what you’re feeling and there’s an outlet.’ I think that’s punk rock.”

Harry’s enthralled the entire time Frank’s speaking. This is 2005, Revenge era Frank, he’s gorgeous and it’s like he’s speaking straight to Harry’s soul. He looks at Louis, who’s looking back at him with an expression that mimics what Harry’s feeling.

“That’s exactly what I want,” Harry says. “That’s why I want to do music. I want to feel like I’m making a difference.”

“Me too,” says Louis. “Jesus christ. He’s an inspiring little shit, isn’t he?”

“Yeah,” Harry says happily. “He reminds me of you, I could sit and watch him for hours.”

Louis looks slightly confused, and it takes Harry a second to piece together that he might’ve revealed a tad too much. Louis knows that Frank is Harry’s longest lasting “celebrity” crush, after all.

Ah well. Harry _had_ decided to be more open about his feelings. So he brushes past any awkwardness with an, “I have no idea what’s happening anymore,” and reaches for the remote to rewind back to Frank.

“I thought that punk was kind of, hippies with teeth,” a guy says later in the film, and Harry thinks, _yes, that. I wanna be that._

***

**31 december**

They get home on New Years Eve, just enough time for Harry and Louis to get ready for the party Dougie's throwing. It’s weird, going from being with Louis and their families, to getting ready to go out with Louis and their friends. It feels like Louis is in every corner of Harry’s life, and he _is_ , he should be. It’s just a lot.

Probably because he’s just spent a week sharing a bed and watching Louis be soft and sweet with both their families. It’s getting harder to remember that they’re not actually together.

Harry spends half an hour trying to decide what to wear, how subtle to be. How good does he want to look? Who’s he trying to pull? Then he gives up and just admits to himself that he wants to look good for Louis, he has eyes for only Louis, his only intention tonight is to kiss Louis and maybe more. He thinks about the way Louis kissed him this morning and he’s finished being coy about it.

He stomps into Gemma’s room and demands her help, and they hunt through the clothes she’d left behind, as well as the stuff she’s brought back with her. Harry ends up with the huge black studded combat boots she’s never worn, his own black leather skinnies, his oldest, most ripped My Chem T-shirt, and, to wear under it, Gemma’s long-sleeved fish-net top. He’s even found this faux leather choker he’d bought on a whim a few months ago, and decides to put that on. He looks like a ridiculous, submissive emo kid, but he thinks he’s making it work.

He fluffs up his hair and lines his eyes in black, then adds to it with Gemma’s silver eyeliner. He ends up ready early, so he paints silver over his chipped black nail polish while he waits for Louis. And then he puts on a bit of mascara, because why the fuck not.

Louis rings the doorbell, which is a bit different - usually Harry either gets a text saying he’s outside, or Louis will just let himself in. But it’s not that unusual, maybe he’s just running out of credit.

Harry opens the door and then stares. Louis looks unbelievable. His hair is Harry’s favourite; soft and fluffy, the long part of his fringe curling around his face. He’s wearing eyeliner, he almost always is, but Harry’s always stricken by how good it looks on him. He’s wearing his old Alkaline Trio shirt, which is slightly too tight on him, which Harry loves. And what looks like a faux leather jacket, and Harry thinks he’s wearing his skinniest jeans, the ones that actually hug his arse.

It’s a lot to process, and it takes Harry a moment to realise that Louis’s just staring at him as well.

“Nice jacket,” Harry manages, torn between turned on and self-conscious.

“Thanks, it’s my mum’s,” Louis says with a little smile. “I hope you’ve got a jacket, you’ll freeze.”

Harry doesn’t know whether to roll his eyes that Louis’s acting like his mum, or if he’s pleased that he cares. He settles on smiling and reaching over to pull his coat off the coat rack by the door. It’s a warm grey peacoat that he bought because it reminded him of something Mikeyway would wear, and he shows Louis. “Happy?”

“Ecstatic,” Louis says. “Ready to go?”

“Yeah, hang on a sec,” Harry says, putting on his coat and moving his wallet and phone to his pockets. He calls out, “I’m leaving!” into the house.

“Have fun! Be safe!” his mum yells back. “I’ll ring you at midnight!”

“Happy new year Louis!” Gemma calls from upstairs.

Harry rolls his eyes and ushers Louis out the door as he yells back, “You too Gems!”

“Alright, stop yelling,” Harry says with a wince, even though he started it.

“You started it,” Louis says playfully, sticking his tongue out at Harry before hopping into his car.

Harry honest to god thinks ‘Halp’, and then shakes his head, decides he’s spent too much time on Livejournal, and gets in the car too.

*

The party’s not as much fun as Harry thought it would be. It’s nice to catch up with his college friends, he hasn’t seen some of them for ages, but it doesn’t last long. There are a lot of people here he doesn’t know, Dougie’s invited all his new friends from uni, and almost everyone else has brought their own new friends as well, so people have drifted off into groups like that. Most of the people Harry knows are split up among their new friends.

So Harry sticks with Louis, and they end up sitting together on Dougie’s sofa. It’s tucked away in the corner, not in the middle of the room, but still not private enough for Louis to be as handsy as he’s being.

Still, Louis pokes at Harry’s nipple through a hole in his shirt. “Fucking hell, Harold,” he says. “What the fuck are you wearing?”

Harry pouts. “This is the closest thing I have to lace.”

He’s honestly not sure why he said that, but Louis grins at him, so Harry smiles back.

“I’ll have to get you something lacy, then,” Louis says, his finger still stroking Harry’s skin through the rip.

Harry shivers. Then he decides to actually say what’s on his mind, which is, “Sorry, only my boyfriend can buy me things.”

“Really,” Louis says. He seems a bit caught off guard. “S’pose you’ll be kissing him at midnight, then.”

It takes Harry a moment to register—it’s a reference to The OC, they’d watched it a couple of years ago and saw all this importance placed on kissing someone at midnight, which neither of them had ever heard of before. They’d laughed about it last new years… and ended up kissing.

No use pretending, really.

“Well, I was planning on kissing you,” Harry says, and tries not to laugh at the pleased surprise on Louis’s face.

“Who even are you tonight?” he asks, clearly delighted.

Harry does laugh, then, a bit. “Me,” he says with a smile. “I’m opening up.”

Louis’s eyes twinkle. “I thought you were already pretty open.”

Harry frowns. “Was that an innuendo?”

“Yes,” Louis says. Harry elbows him. “What? If we’re being honest!”

Harry laughs. “Better than denying it, I s’pose.”

“Exactly,” Louis says, then, his voice softer, “I can’t deny it.” Harry doesn’t know what he means, what the fucking vulnerable look in his eyes _means_. It’s driving him mad.

“Can’t deny what?” Harry asks quietly.

Louis’s eyes widen and he says, “Um.” Clearly he wasn’t referring to his innuendos, then. “I’m. Y’know, to be honest—you.”

“Me?” Harry asks, and Louis nods. “Do you want to?”

“Would be easier, wouldn’t it? If I could,” Louis says. Harry doesn’t know if he should feel hurt by that or not. “I don’t want to, though.”

“Why would it be easier?” Harry asks, because fuck it. He’s decided they’re going to talk about this if it kills him, even if it’s here, curled up in the corner at a New Years party.

“Less risk of getting hurt,” Louis says quietly, not meeting Harry’s eyes, and fuck, there it is again. Louis definitely thinks he’s going to get hurt.

“I don’t want either of us getting hurt,” Harry says.

“Me neither,” says Louis, looking at Harry again. “I don’t want—I mean, but I like what we have now.”

“Me too,” Harry says. He twists his lip ring, trying to think of how to say what he wants to say. Louis looks pained, so he stops. He screws up all his courage and asks, “Do you ever think about what it’d be like if we were actually dating?”

Louis inhales. It’s not really a gasp, but it’s a noticeable inhale, like he wasn't expecting that. “Um, I mean, yeah, I have,” he says. “I don’t think it would be much different.”

“Neither do I,” says Harry, relieved that Louis hasn’t shut him down yet, relieved that he’s thought about it. “Giovanna was asking me earlier why we weren’t dating yet. I didn’t have a good answer.”

“Oh,” Louis says, looking confused. “I thought you didn’t want to be in a relationship? That’s a pretty good answer.”

Harry feels like he blacks out for a second. “What?”

Louis… thinks… he doesn’t… want to be in a relationship? Fuck, Harry wants to be in a relationship with every fibre of his being, he’s fucking yearning for it. Yes, he wants it on his terms, but—how could Louis not know that?

He thinks about how he ran away every time Louis made a move, how he used to rant about Danny saying they should be together, how he’d told Louis, only a couple months ago, that friends with benefits worked for him. That relationships were scary. And he’d _told_ Louis that he was glad they hadn’t gotten together at college, for fuck’s sake, that the idea of openly dating someone at college freaked him out.

All of those things were true at one point. But he’s never told Louis that a part of him has been pining fiercely over him since they met, that he would _marry_ Louis _now_ without a second thought. That his ultimate fucking fantasy is to be able to call Louis his boyfriend.

“I thought you didn’t,” Louis says with a frown, and Harry shakes his head.

“I’ve always been scared, but I wanted it,” Harry says. Louis looks at him curiously.

“Alright, so, hypothetically,” Louis says. “What if I asked you to be my boyfriend? Right now, what would you say?”

Harry’s heart is thumping wildly, he’s so fucking nervous, but he’s been waiting for Louis to ask him that for so long. He’s terrified of telling the truth, but he’s not going to lie.

“I mean, I’d,” Harry says, then stops. Louis’s leaning forward, clearly waiting on Harry’s answer. His expression is guarded but Harry thinks he can see hope in his eyes, and that does it. “I’d say yes. I always would’ve.”

“You—wait, what? You what?” Louis splutters. His expression shifts from shocked to sad, back to shocked and then his face brightens. “Really?”

“Yeah,” Harry says. “So... how hypothetical was that question?”

“Are you serious?” Louis asks, still looking stunned. Harry’s so happy he feels giddy.

“No, I’m Harry,” he says.

“Ha ha,” Louis says. “Can we just—you always would’ve? Like, if I’d rang you up last New Year's Day and been like, ‘Hey Harry, forgot to say I love you, will you be my boyfriend’, you wouldn’t’ve screamed and hung up?”

Harry snorts. “What—why would I’ve done that? I’d have said yes then.”

“What about—”

“There’s no time you could’ve asked and I would’ve said no, Lou,” Harry says. “Never.”

Louis stares at him for a second, and then he breathes for a few seconds, and then he says, “Fuck. I feel so bad for past Louis.”

“I feel bad for past Harry!” Harry says. “I had no idea you felt—that you would’ve—I didn’t _know_.”

“Well, I did, I wanted to,” Louis says. “I was just scared, and convinced you didn’t feel the same—”

“Me too,” says Harry. “Like, exactly.”

“Okay, so, let’s stop being scared,” Louis says. He takes both of Harry’s hands, and Harry watches him, his stomach swooping. “Will you be my fucking boyfriend, please?”

Harry beams. “Yes. Obviously.”

“Apparently! Apparently it was obvious!” Louis cries, but his smile is like sunshine. Harry kisses him, because he can’t not, because that’s his fucking _boyfriend._

Then Danny appears out of nowhere and screams, “FUCKING FINALLY! TOM! IT HAPPENED THIS YEAR, YOU OWE ME FIFTY QUID!”

Harry doesn’t know how to feel about his friends betting on him, but Danny seems happy, and he really has been in support of them for a long time. Harry kisses Louis again and ignores Danny setting off poppers in their direction.

***


	3. 2008

*******

**2008: melt your headaches, call it home**

***

 ******MCR Forum - > General Music -> Thread Of Music News **

**craic_romance - 2:37pm, Tuesday 01/01/08**

[ http://myspace.com/panicatthedisco ](http://myspace.com/panicatthedisco)

ahahaha there’s a new panic song, its called ~*we’re so starving*~

its gotta be a joke song, i can’t stop laughing

* * *

**justsleep - 2:53pm, Tuesday 01/01/08**

DDD: i hope its a joke. they cant be serious. what if the rest of the album sounds like this D:

* * *

**snowghosts - 3:07pm, Tuesday 01/01/08**

i downloaded it bc someone uploaded it on lj and now i cant stop listening D: it’s so stupid and ridic, i really hope the rest of the album is different D:

* * *

**kendallwithak - 3:17pm, Tuesday 01/01/08**

Harry no!!! It’s so bad, they really fail at being the Beatles tbh

* * *

**craic_romance - 3:27pm, Tuesday 01/01/08**

m2 h D: i think its brainwashing me bc i kinda like it

* * *

**justsleep - 3:33pm, Tuesday 01/01/08**

and the stupid blog! what was that about! i thought it was supposed to be a joke song but they said it was legit wtf

* * *

**kendallwithak - 3:35pm, Tuesday 01/01/08**

DDDDD:

* * *

**craic_romance - 3:36pm, Tuesday 01/01/08**

i hope its legit, if its on the album i will die and go to heaven where i can lol some more

* * *

**snowghosts - 3:40pm, Tuesday 01/01/08**

i listened to it before i read the blog and was like ‘HAHAHAHA they're so great’, thinking it was just a stupid song to keep the fans off their backs … and then i read it was supposedly an actual song and almost died. just … WTF?

i still think they might be doing it for a laugh. and by saying "This is not the final mix or version of the song, and it will undergo some change while we're in London, but we wanted to show you something from what we've done so far." they were implying they would rewrite it :/ i hope so anyway, is that delusional?

* * *

**craic_romance - 3:43pm, Tuesday 01/01/08**

no harry!!!!! its gonna be on the album don’t burst my bubble >:(

* * *

**snowghosts - 3:44pm, Tuesday 01/01/08**

besides pete said the album was good!! why would he lie!! :(

* * *

**justsleep - 3:47pm, Tuesday 01/01/08**

not like he’d have a vested interest in patd selling records or anything

* * *

**snowghosts - 3:52pm, Tuesday 01/01/08**

zayn >:(

* * *

**kendallwithak - 3:56pm, Tuesday 01/01/08**

I really don’t think I’ll like the album. Everything sounds so different to old PATD :( I might take down their posters, it annoys me to look at them :(

* * *

**snowghosts - 4:01pm, Tuesday 01/01/08**

idc if it sounds different, i just don’t want it to be shit :( sighhh they have so much potential

* * *

**justsleep - 4:05pm, Tuesday 01/01/08**

the sophomore slump is real u guise

* * *

**craic_romance - 4:07pm, Tuesday 01/01/08**

IDK WHAT UR TALKING ABOUT THIS SONG IS MY NEW FAVE

WE WERE BUSY WRITING SONGS FOR… **_YOU!!!!_ **

* * *

**justsleep - 4:11pm, Tuesday 01/01/08**

can we get jesy to banhammer niall plz? its the only way he’ll learn

*

**MCR Forum - > General Music -> What Are You Listening To?**

**craic_romance - 4:13pm, Tuesday 01/01/08**

ohohoho how its been so long*~

* * *

**justsleep - 4:16pm, Tuesday 01/01/08**

i hate you.

* * *

***

**1 january**

The first day of twenty-oh-eight is a really good day.

Harry had woken up tangled with Louis on Dougie’s sofa, his neck bent awkwardly and his back aching. That was completely overshadowed when he remembered that he and Louis had talked about actually dating for real last night.

He remembered Louis asking to be his actual boyfriend, on the goddamn sofa in plain view of everyone, and Harry’s heart for sure skipped as he looked at Louis’s sleeping face.

And then Louis woke up, and the first thing he said was, “Am I your boyfriend now, or was that just a really nice dream?” Really casual, like it wasn’t terrifying, like there wasn’t an entire year of bullshit behind that question.

“I hope you’re my boyfriend,” Harry said quietly, and Louis had beamed and kissed him, close-mouthed because Harry desperately needed to brush his teeth.

Now he’s at home, after Louis had dropped him off with more kisses (and he’d held Harry’s hand and said, “I’m really happy about this,” all sincerely, and Harry could’ve cried). Everyone on the forum is either hungover or annoyed with the new Panic song, but Harry’s on cloud nine. Panic could release a cover of Crazy Frog and Harry would be happy to hear it today.

He opens Myspace and gleefully changes his relationship status, which he's never been able to do before, so that shoots a happy little thrill up his spine. Then he writes a bulletin which simply says ‘last night was the best night of my life. happy 2008, i'm pretty sure it's gonna be amazing <3’, titles it ‘ohoho how it's been so long~*’ just for Niall, then posts.

Then he goes to his blog on the forum. He hasn't updated his blog since before Louis’s birthday, so there's so much he needs to fill them in on, but he's too excited for that. He starts off promising that he'll post another blog later about the last couple of weeks, but he needs to talk about last night first. He explains that things have been escalating with Louis and how being away with him made it feel even more real, that he’d finally decided to stop trying to hide his feelings.

He ends up giving a long, detailed recap of the night, because of course he does. His blogs always turn out so much longer than he expects, he has a tendency to ramble. He just wants to set the mood, he's telling a _story_. He ends with ‘so Louis’s my boyfriend now’, bolds that sentence, and then posts it, smiling to himself. He’s actually so excited to see his friends’ reactions; they’ve been following this for so long now, have put up with his sad whining about Louis since they met him. It’s so nice to be able to give them a sort of happy ending.

Not that this is an ending by any means. Harry thinks it’s an incredible new beginning.

He clicks back to Myspace and sees that Louis has commented on his bulletin - ‘me too <3’ - and Harry feels so fucking happy he could explode. He puts his laptop aside and goes to find his mum and tell her the news.

***

**10 january**

“I wanted to talk about something with you,” Harry says, leaning out of bed to reach over and grab his laptop off his computer desk.

They've already talked about last June in depth, and Harry understands most of Louis's perspective now. Apparently when Harry had seen him and Hannah together at school, it was innocent enough, Louis was just chatting with her as a friend. But because Harry disappeared, Louis had assumed he was rejecting him, and when Hannah asked if he wanted to get back together, he'd agreed mostly because he was upset and heart-broken himself. It's almost too surreal for Harry to comprehend, but Louis says he's been in love with Harry for almost as long as Harry's been in love with him.

There's just one more thing that feels like a bit of a mystery.

“Should I be nervous?” Louis asks, and when Harry looks at him, he’s smiling.

Harry smiles back and opens his laptop, looking for iTunes. “No, I just want to know something,” he says. He presses play and the sound of a light piano comes through his speakers. “What does this song mean to you?”

Bert sings, “ _Let me be the one who calls you baby all the time_ ,” and Louis groans and flops back onto the pillows, his hands covering his face.

Harry puts the song on repeat, then places his laptop on his bedside table and snuggles back against Louis to pry his hands off his face.

“Louuuu, c’mon,” Harry says, and Louis sighs. He looks at Harry, his cheeks pink, and holds Harry’s hands tightly.

“ _Smother me, smother meeee_ ,” The Used are singing, and Louis’s shaking his head.

“How did you know?” he asks.

Harry shrugs. “I noticed you were listening to it a lot. I just wanna know why, because when I listened to it, it gave me hope that you might feel the same.”

Harry’s really not going to ever get used to the look of incredulous happiness that takes over Louis’s face whenever he talks about his feelings. It’s just so amazing and wonderful that they’re finally on the same page.

“Well, yeah,” Louis says. “That’s why I was listening to it. Because I was in love with you and that’s how I felt.”

And fucking hell, Harry’s never going to get sick of hearing that Louis loves him. Is in love with him. It doesn’t feel possible to be this lucky.

“I thought it captured it pretty perfectly, how I felt when I was with you and how it felt when I wasn’t,” Louis murmurs. He’s tracing shapes on Harry’s chest and not meeting his eyes. “It was everything I felt, all my sad desperate pining and how happy being with you made me, wrapped up in one song.”

Harry can hardly breathe. “That’s how I felt when I listened to it,” he says softly. “I related so hard. I hoped you did too.”

“Of course I did, Hazza,” Louis says. “Are you listening to these lyrics? It’s all I fucking wanted.”

“To call me baby?” Harry asks with a cheeky grin, and Louis laughs and pokes his dimple.

“Obviously,” Louis says. “I know you’re my baby, I just wanted _you_ to know. And the rest of the world.”

“I do,” Harry says. “I did. I just.” He snuggles against Louis’s chest, curling his arms around his back. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Louis says. “Do you have Louder Now on your laptop? I wanna show you something.”

“By Taking Back Sunday?” Harry asks unnecessarily. “Yeah, I think so.”

He twists around to grab the laptop again and hands it to Louis, who scrolls through iTunes until he finds what he’s looking for. He presses play then says, “Do you know this song?”

It sounds vaguely familiar but Harry can’t place it. He looks at the title - My Blue Heaven. He knows the name more than anything, he realises that he’s seen Louis listening to this song a _lot_ over the last year. “Kinda,” he says. “Don’t know if I’ve listened to it properly, not since the album came out.”

Louis opens Firefox and Googles the lyrics, then re-starts the song. “Listen to this, read the lyrics, tell me what you think.”

The song’s good, Harry knows now that he’s heard it a few times before and he likes it. Though his first impression is that it’s more about adultery than their situation. But the first time Adam Lazzara sings, “ _It’s you I can’t deny_ ,” Harry shivers. It vaguely reminds him of their discussion on new years, and he has goosebumps on his arms just from the implication that that was how Louis felt about him.

“You were listening to this all the time last year,” Harry marvels. “In June, especially, when we weren’t speaking. I remember.”

“Yeah,” Louis says. “This, and Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot, I listened to them both a lot then. I dunno, I know this song might not exactly fit our situation, but I listened to it so much, I think it captured my feelings?”

“That makes sense,” Harry says. Just listening to the song now, he can understand that.

“You should see my Psychology book. It used to get stuck in my head, so I’d spend all class writing out the lyrics over and over in my book.”

“Wow,” Harry says. “How did you not fail Psychology?”

“I’m fucking good, that’s how,” Louis says.

Harry laughs. “Of course.”

They’re quiet for a bit, listening to the song, until Harry can’t stand it.

“How did I not realise?” he asks, frustrated with himself.

“It’s just serious bad judgement on both our parts,” Louis says. “Though I can’t believe you could ever think I wasn’t in love with you. It’s so obvious.”

Harry smiles. He’s really always going to love hearing that. “I think it just blows my mind,” he says. “Because I think I have this great read on you. But I guess I have such a blind spot about this, and how you feel about me. I dunno why that is.”

Louis frowns. “I don’t know either,” he says. “Because, same. I feel like I know you better than anyone and I don’t know how either of us missed this.”

“And like, other people knew!” Harry says. “That’s the most annoying part! Other people saw us better than we did!”

“Yeah, that’s infuriating,” Louis says. “And they were so annoying about it!”

“Mhm,” Harry says. “We’re terrible actors to everyone but ourselves, I guess?”

“No, because I think we got in some good misdirects there,” Louis says. “I think we kept people guessing. Or at the very least, confused.”

Harry laughs. “That’s true. Giovanna was super confused. And Zayn, and all the lads. And Gemma. Nobody could understand how I was happy with the friends with benefits thing.”

“Wait, you were?” Louis says, visibly distracted from whatever else he was going to say. “I know you said that, but you actually were?”

“I mean,” Harry picks at his nail polish. “I wanted you any way I could have you, and it was fairly uncomplicated, and it was nice. But I felt like I was playing pretend, I didn’t like that.” He shrugs. “But it was the best time of all my pining. At least I got to be with you.”

Louis sighs, and there’s love and pain in the sound. He pulls Harry closer. “Yeah, I felt the same.”

“What were you gonna say before?” Harry asks.

“Um,” Louis frowns as he retraces the conversation. Harry smiles. He’s cute. “Uhh - oh! Just, about us being obvious. I think we confused people because they couldn’t see or understand our real feelings, and maybe we’re not bad actors by ourselves, but I think the issue was when we’re together. Like, I could lie to every single person I knew and say I wasn’t in love with you and maybe I’d be convincing, but then we’d be at a party or whatever and my attention would be on you all night.”

“Oh, same,” Harry says, so happy Louis feels that way. “I’m the same. I literally feel like you light up every room, but it’s not only that, I feel like you light me up as well? Like I’m a different person when you’re around, almost, and I can’t hide that.”

“Fucking hell, Harry,” Louis says. He looks gobsmacked. “I can’t believe this is real sometimes.”

“Me too,” Harry says. “Every day.”

And then he kisses Louis, because he can.

***

**21 january**

**\-- hey now, there’s chemicals in the clouds (Hxx) says:  
**how would you like to be referred to in a thyspace quiz i am currently completing  
**(louis) put me out cause i'm on fucking fire. says:  
**umm.. the greatest person to ever live just about sums it up  
**\-- hey now, there’s chemicals in the clouds (Hxx) says:  
**well you are currently boo bear, so perhaps a name, rather than a description  
**(louis) put me out cause i'm on fucking fire. says:  
**NOT BOO BEAR  
**\-- hey now, there’s chemicals in the clouds (Hxx) says:  
**obv you’re the greatest person to ever live  
**(louis) put me out cause i'm on fucking fire. says:  
**well i’m glad you came to me with this. since all you came up with is BOO BEAR  
**\-- hey now, there’s chemicals in the clouds (Hxx) says:  
**lololol  
**\-- hey now, there’s chemicals in the clouds (Hxx) says:  
**give me a suggestion then!  
**(louis) put me out cause i'm on fucking fire. says:  
**idk! idc, whatevs but not boo bear  
**\-- hey now, there’s chemicals in the clouds (Hxx) says:  
**louieeeee make something up  
**(louis) put me out cause i'm on fucking fire. says:  
**YOU ARE SO LAZY  
**(louis) put me out cause i'm on fucking fire. says:  
**WRITE YOUR OWN GODDAMN MYSPACE BULLETINS  
**\-- hey now, there’s chemicals in the clouds (Hxx) says:  
**HEY. SHUT THE HELL UP. IM TRYING TO INVOLVE YOU  
**(louis) put me out cause i'm on fucking fire. says:  
**LOLOLOLOL WELL IN THAT CASE  
**(louis) put me out cause i'm on fucking fire. says:  
**im obvs the sunshine of ur fucking life  
**\-- hey now, there’s chemicals in the clouds (Hxx) says:  
**still a description :P  
**(louis) put me out cause i'm on fucking fire. says:  
**JFC HARRY  
**\-- hey now, there’s chemicals in the clouds (Hxx) says:  
**lol ok  
**\-- hey now, there’s chemicals in the clouds (Hxx) says:  
**thy bulletin hath been posted  
**(louis) put me out cause i'm on fucking fire. says:  
**oooh  
**(louis) put me out cause i'm on fucking fire. says:  
**13\. Whos was the last person you imed?  
the sunshine of my fucking life, aka louieeeee  
**(louis) put me out cause i'm on fucking fire. says:  
**awwww  
**(louis) put me out cause i'm on fucking fire. says:  
**thought it was gonna be a more interesting question tho tbh  
**\-- hey now, there’s chemicals in the clouds (Hxx) says:  
**yeah i thought you would >:)  
**(louis) put me out cause i'm on fucking fire. says:  
**fucking hell. im writing a bulletin just to spread the word about how demonic you are  
**(louis) put me out cause i'm on fucking fire. says:  
**THE PEOPLE MUST KNOW  
**\-- hey now, there’s chemicals in the clouds (Hxx) says:  
**😢😇  
**(louis) put me out cause i'm on fucking fire. says:  
**alright good point, you win <3 

***

**1 february**

 The first thing Harry does on his birthday is get a tattoo.

Okay, no. He woke up with Louis’s mouth on his dick, so truthfully _that’s_ the first thing he did, and then he’d showered and gotten dressed while Louis helped his mum make a birthday breakfast. But then Harry had taken the money he’d gotten in cards from his family and gone to his appointment.

It’s Louis’s first tattoo as well, because he’s an angel and he’d waited for Harry to turn eighteen. They know what they want: the smiley face with x’s for eyes that Frank had drawn for them both forever ago. Harry thinks they’re both going with it on their wrists. And he also wants to get the hearts Frank had drawn, behind his ear he thinks. Louis says he also wants to get a Brand New lyric, but he wants to wait and see how he feels after the first one.

It’s when Louis’s sitting in the chair getting the smiley face done, because Harry had been nervous so Louis said he’d go first, that Harry realises it’s their one month anniversary. They’ve been actually together, Louis’s actually been his boyfriend for a whole month.

He’s not sure if it snuck up on him because it feels like they’ve been together longer, they had so much build-up, or because he hasn’t even been thinking of it. Being in an actual relationship with Louis has come so easy, feels so natural, and nothing much about their daily lives has even changed. Louis’s still his best friend, there’s just more to it, and now that they’ve both acknowledged that, Harry feels so comfortable and content with him. He hadn’t realised how tense he’d been for the last six months—maybe even the last year—until he and Louis had finally sorted it out. He’s pretty sure over the last month, he’s felt his bones slowly relax.

Harry looks at Louis, who’s smiling back at him and saying, “It’s not so bad, it’s just like digging your nails into your skin.”

“I love you,” Harry says.

Louis’s surprised, but his smile widens. “Love you too. You weirdo.”

*

Harry’s had a lovely day. His Myspace has been flooded with birthday messages, he’s had cake with his parents and Louis, he’s still got his party tomorrow to look forward to, and now he’s naked in bed with Louis. It’s been a perfect day.

Louis had given Harry his birthday present after they’d come home from getting the tattoos—he’d somehow found Harry a copy of Kerrang from a few months ago with Frank on the cover. They’d done a feature with each member of MCR getting their own cover, and Harry looked everywhere but could only find Bob or Mikey. He loves them, but he’d wanted Frank, of course. He can’t believe Louis found it for him.

He’d also gotten Harry the Panic at the Disco Live in Denver DVD, which is quite old but Harry’s always wanted to own, and the 2005 Taste of Chaos DVD with My Chem and The Used. It was a perfect present, and between that and getting tattoos together, Harry’s been faintly overwhelmed by how much he loves Louis all day.

And now they’re in bed, and Harry’s thinking about how content and wonderful he feels. Louis kisses him, and Harry realises he’s finally ready.

So far, everything they’ve done has been hand jobs, blow jobs, and frottage (a new word Harry’s learned through fanfiction). They’d only talked about going further once, about a month ago, after they’d gotten together. Louis had said Harry could fuck him if he wanted, but Harry wanted to bottom his first time, it felt less scary, and he still wasn’t ready then.

He wasn’t sure what was holding him back, but now he thinks he needed this time to become comfortable and convinced that Louis really does feel the same way. It should’ve been obvious before now, Louis’s been very vocal about his feelings and he’s so soft and lovely with Harry, even moreso than before. Maybe Harry’s just been getting used to it, and today cemented it.

“Lou,” Harry says, breaking away from the kiss. “I want you to fuck me.”

Louis blinks at him in surprise. “Um. Are you sure?” He clearly wasn’t expecting this, and that just makes Harry feel more certain.

“Yes,” he says. “I really want it, please?”

“Fuck,” Louis says, his eyes dark and intense. “Yeah, okay. Of course.”

“There’s, um, lube in the drawer,” Harry says, gesturing to his bedside table. 

“And condoms?” Louis asks as he leans over to rifle through it.

“Yep,” Harry says. It’s not like he’s been preparing for this, but he’d bought the lube a while back to sometimes use while wanking, and his mum had embarrassingly gifted him a box of condoms the day after he’d told her he and Louis were together. They’ve been an ominous presence in his top drawer, but it doesn’t feel that way anymore.

“You’ve gotta prep me,” Harry says. He realises that he might only know that because of fanfiction, and it’s faintly amusing that that’s where most of his sex knowledge comes from.

“I know,” Louis says, smiling at him. “I’ve been looking forward to that.”

It’s a bit weird, at first. Harry’s fingered himself before, but he’s obviously never had anyone else touch him there. But it’s Louis, and he’s so soft and gentle, and Harry starts to adjust. And then it starts to feel good, and Louis moves his fingers a bit faster, and Harry gasps.

“I think I’m ready,” he says. 

Louis makes a noise of disagreement. “You’re ready when I say you are.”

He presses in further and Harry arcs up, throws his head back into his pillow. Louis keeps going, and Harry’s chanting ‘please’ before he’s even aware of it. He could easily come from this, and that thought startles him, he doesn’t _want_ to.

“Lou, please, ‘m gonna come,” Harry whines.

Louis’s fingers still and he looks at Harry. Harry tries to catch his breath, but the sight of Louis between his legs, the look on his face, it’s all so much.

“Alright,” Louis says, fiddling about with the condom, and then he crawls up the bed until he’s hovering over Harry. Louis gives him a kiss, then he asks, “Do you wanna do it like this?”

“Mhm,” Harry says. “Wanna see your face.”

Louis smiles at him fondly. “And are you sure you’re ready?”

“ _Yes,_ for fuck’s sake,” Harry says, sure he’s never been readier for anything in his life, andthen Louis presses in and Harry screws his eyes shut.

It’s so much, so much more than fingering, so much more than anything Harry’s every experienced. It doesn’t exactly feel comfortable, but it doesn’t hurt. 

When he feels like he’s adjusted to it, he opens his eyes and manages to say, “You can move, y’know.”

Louis’s watching him carefully, but there’s sweat beading at his hairline and he looks almost as overwhelmed as Harry feels. “Yeah?” he asks, and Harry nods, and Louis slowly starts to move.

The sensation is still a lot, but Harry relaxes into it, and it starts to feel amazing. He clings to Louis and they kiss sloppily with lots of tongue and teeth, and Louis tugs on Harry’s lip ring just as he hits Harry’s prostate. Harry hasn't been able to reach it properly while fingering himself, and he thinks Louis had touched it earlier, but not like this. This feels like being lit up from the inside, and Louis only has to thrust against it a few times and Harry’s coming.

He squeezes around Louis’s cock in the process, and when he finishes, he realises Louis’s coming too. His eyes are closed and he’s grinded deep into Harry and he looks so beautiful, Harry can’t believe he gets to do this. He never wants to do anything else.

Louis slumps against him and Harry kisses his hair, his cheek, his mouth, until Louis’s kissing him back. Harry groans when Louis pulls out, so sensitive, but Louis quickly discards the condom and he’s back for more kisses.

Harry wraps his arms around him, and if he’d felt content before, it’s nothing on this. This is it. 

Louis wipes him off with the tissues on Harry’s bedside table, which makes Harry feel cared for, and then he asks, “How are you feeling?”

“Amazing,” Harry says. “So good. I fucking love you.”

“I fucking love you too,” Louis smiles, and kisses him, and Harry thoroughly believes him. This is the best birthday he's ever had.

***

**march 12**

Panic. At. The. Mother. Fucking. Disco.

It’s happening. Finally, it’s finally happening. Harry’s missed them since August, and he’s become more desperate to see them again with every new song they release.

Nine in the Afternoon reminds Harry so much of Louis, and he knows it reminds Louis of him. Seeing that with him again, now that they love it so much more, is going to be amazing.

They’re meeting Zayn and Liam there, and they’ve all come up with A+ T-shirts. Harry bought a fabric pen and wrote ‘NUNS’ in huge letters on the front of his, and ‘it’s my favourite plural noun’ on the back. It’s an obscure reference to his favourite Ryan and Brendon interview where they play madlibs.

Louis wrote, "Hey, im ryan im new i live in las vegas my chemical romance makes me dance" on his shirt, an actual post teenage Ryan made in the MCR Livejournal, which cracks Harry up every time he looks at it.

Zayn’s keeping his shirt a surprise, but Liam’s said he’s wearing his sister’s Beatles shirt for the lols.

And Metro Station are supporting, Harry can’t believe his luck. They’re probably the lolziest band Harry knows, fronted by Miley Cyrus’s brother. He can’t wait to laugh his arse off at them with Louis and Zayn. And he can't wait to see Panic with them again, they're going early to line up, they'll probably get on the barrier again, but they'll be so much closer this time, and obviously nobody will be bottling them. It's gonna be amazing. 

His growing love for Panic and excitement for the concert have been an excellent distraction, as Frank finally got married the other day. It's funny, because if this had happened exactly one year ago, he'd have been quite upset. He wonders what's changed between then and now, if he's gotten less invested in them and more invested in Panic, as they're more active? Or maybe he just feels calmer about the way he loves them now. Maybe he's matured.

He goes to the concert and screams his lungs out, especially whenever Ryan sings. They get on the barrier under Ryan and he doesn't acknowledge them but it doesn't matter at all, Harry's just thrilled to be so close to him. Especially when Brendon comes over to share Ryan's mic.

Yeah, Harry hasn't matured.

And he definitely still loves My Chem, still loves Frank, just as much. He thinks the reason Frank's marriage hasn't hit him hard at all is because he has Louis. Before, it would've just reminded him of his own sad loneliness, and been another annoying ‘lol he’s probably straight’ moment. But Harry doesn't care so much about Frank and Gerard's actual sexualities anymore, because what's important is how they've helped him become okay with himself. Harry's out because of them, he's out on Myspace and LJ, everybody in his family knows he has a boyfriend. If it weren't for the two of them, it would have taken him much longer to accept his own sexuality, and he wouldn't feel like it were possible for him to have his own band that could save the world someday.

My Chem will always be a core part of who he is. Maybe he just cares about Louis and Panic a little bit more right now.

He'll always care about Louis more. Now he just feels comfortable in that.

***

**march 16**

**\-- you’re gonna have to ask nicer. xxH says:  
**your eyes are the size of the mooooon~  
**~ S-C-A-N-D to the A to the L-O-U-I-S says:  
**hahahahhahahhaha  
**~ S-C-A-N-D to the A to the L-O-U-I-S says:  
***off to listen*  
**\-- you’re gonna have to ask nicer. xxH says:  
**we're feelin so good  
**\-- you’re gonna have to ask nicer. xxH says:  
**just the way that we do  
**\-- you’re gonna have to ask nicer. xxH says:  
**when its nine in the afternooooon  
**\-- you’re gonna have to ask nicer. xxH says:  
**you remember that cyanide and happiness comic where the doctor was all waving arms?  
**\-- you’re gonna have to ask nicer. xxH says:  
**thats how this song makes me feel  
**~ S-C-A-N-D to the A to the L-O-U-I-S says:  
**BAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHA  
**~ S-C-A-N-D to the A to the L-O-U-I-S says:  
**excellent description  
**\-- you could cause you can so you dooo~ (xxH) says:  
**lololololol ty  
**~ S-C-A-N-D to the A to the L-O-U-I-S says:  
**literally doing the doctor wave  
**\-- you could cause you can so you dooo~ (xxH) says:  
**ahahahaha yes  
**\-- you could cause you can so you dooo~ (xxH) says:  
***doctor waves*  
**~ S-C-A-N-D to the A to the L-O-U-I-S says:  
**\o\ /o/ \o/ \o\ /o/ 

*** 

**MCR Forum - > Member’s Blogs -> weeeee are the light in the tunnel (H)**

**snowghosts - 1:33pm, Saturday 22/03/2008**

hay guise! so last night me and louis went to the pub with our mums :) lol it was the best night actually. so there was this trivia thing, basically they do a pub quiz every week but in the last week of the season there’s an EPIC pub quiz. our mums are really into pub quizzes, louis’s mum jay calls this ‘the ultimate quiz’. they’ve done it for years and me and louis have gone a couple times, but this is the first one since i’ve turned 18 :) so i can drink now too!

WE WON THE QUIZ!!! between the four of us we pretty much had all the areas covered :D louis and jay aced the sports section, our mums aced general knowledge, and me and louis did so well in the music section that we won extra prizes! we were the only ones in the whole quiz who knew marilyn manson’s real name, knew what year the sex pistols formed, and knew the name of green day’s first album. so we got chocolates and a bottle of wine :) also there was a question about fob!! ‘which four-piece band, formed in chicago, had four singles charting at once last year?’ :DD

so we had a drink or two while playing the quiz and then, high on our win, we decided to play some games of bingo XD so we drank our won wine and giggled like loons at bingo jokes and puns. it was seriously so much fun. louis and his mum get on as well as, if not better than me and my mum. she’s my biggest competition for his best friend lol. if she had myspace he’d probably break our pact to have her as his #1. and jay and my mum are best friends as well, have been forever. so it just felt like hanging out with our mates tbh, except with this added loveliness because they’re our mums :’) idk it’s silly

but there was a really lovely moment, after we all lost our second game of bingo. we were all quite tipsy by then lol and jay and mum were talking about how happy they are that me and louis got together - or ‘figured our shit out’ as jay put it. but she was like ‘we knew you’d get there eventually, you two are meant to be’ :’) which!!! i could not possibly feel more accepted by louis’s family!!! i’m so lucky :’) anyway they were just saying how happy it makes them to see us so happy, and how glad they are that it’s us we’re with. like jay said i’m her absolute ideal as far as boyfriends go and i almost cried!! and then mum said that louis is the only person in the world who deserves me, and jay said ‘and harry’s the only person who deserves louis’ and then me and louis got emotional and our mums got emotional and it was just beautiful tbh

me and louis have been talking seriously about moving out, it’s probably going to happen in the next few months. so it was just so nice to have this sort of family date night, to show us how good our bond is with our mums. like, i guess it’s a helpful reminder that what i’m leaving behind is something positive, with this strong foundation i can come back to. idk how to describe that without making it sound like a bad thing that i’m leaving it. i think i just feel moreso now, that we’re not really going out into the world by ourselves. not really, because we’ll still have our mums supporting us every step of the way. even if they’re not there physically. idk, it’s just nice to be reminded how lucky i am.

***

**25 march**

Harry’s love and excitement for Panic at the Disco has been building for the last few months, and was totally amplified by seeing them live again, so he’s absolutely buzzing by the time Pretty.Odd. is released. He hasn’t been this excited for a new album since The Black Parade, a whole year and a half ago.

It feels similar to that day, too: Louis’s working, he’s going to buy the CD and come to Harry’s with it, so Harry has to impatiently wait for him. At least Harry’s sure Louis’s going to be able to find it; the UK release date was yesterday, a day earlier than America, so surely their shops should have it. But the album leaked a few days ago, so Harry feels like he’s been waiting for _years_.

Louis had an early shift today, thank God, so Harry slept in this morning and only has about two hours to kill. He spends it reading Ryan/Brendon fanfiction, because they’re his new favourite pairing. They’re just so _weird_ with each other, Harry wouldn’t be surprised if something had actually happened there. Even if not, they’re fun to ship, and there are a handful of really great writers on LJ. Harry had had to create a secret account a while ago, because too many people have friended his original LJ now and he wants to follow fanfic writers without people knowing about it.

He still uses his other account though, he’s become quite regular on FBRT. He’s keen to go there tonight and talk about how he feels about this album, even if Panic aren’t very popular there these days.

He’s only reading from Delicious bookmarks today, though, he’s been avoiding his LJ flist since the album leaked. Seeing everyone’s reactions will just make him antsier to hear it.

*

“I got one for you as well,” Louis says, pulling two CDs out of the bag and giving Harry one. “I thought you’d want your own.”

“Thank you,” Harry says with feeling. He appreciates Louis’s thoughtfulness so fucking much. “I’ll pay you back - ”

“No you fucking won’t,” says Louis.

Harry starts to protest and Louis sits beside him.

“You’re my boyfriend, Hazza, let me buy you things,” Louis says softly, and Harry melts. Then he vaguely remembers how he’d said something to that effect on New Years, and he can’t stop smiling.

The album surpasses Harry's expectations completely. The booklet is beautiful, full of flowers and curly lettering, and Harry loves it. He loves the aesthetic Panic are going for right now, it makes him want to wear flowers in his hair or buy several shirts with a floral print. Harry would love an entire floral suit, actually, even if that's completely impractical. Maybe that can be a future dream for him.

And the songs—fuck. Harry's actually blown away by every song, including the ones he already knows. He loves That Green Gentleman, he loves Northern Downpour, he loves Mad As Rabbits, he's absolutely obsessed with Behind The Sea and From A Mountain In The Middle Of The Cabins. The Piano Knows Something I Don't Know is hilarious, She Had The World is beautiful, and When The Day Met The Night makes him emotional. It's a fucking love story between the moon and the sun and Harry finds it weirdly relatable. He's in awe of Ryan Ross's mind, and he's so inspired by his songwriting, the way he uses metaphors and language, even when it's nonsensical. 

And Ryan sings so much. Harry's been in love with his voice since he heard the live version of Lying, even though the popular opinion seems to be that he can't sing. Harry supports him doing it anyway, and he loves the songs where Ryan and Brendon trade off singing the most. Also, Brendon's written two songs on this album, and they're simpler than Ryan's songs, but Harry loves them too. He feels absurdly proud of both Brendon and Ryan for doing something different.

Louis loves it too, just as much as Harry does, it seems, which is good, since Harry thinks it might be his new favourite album. 

“This is what I want our band to sound like,” Harry says, even though at the moment, their band is just him and Louis uploading covers to Myspace. “You and me, both of us singing.”

Louis smiles at him. “A few months ago I’d have said I’m clearly the Ryan Ross in this scenario,” he says, and Harry’s ready to fight him. “But the last few songs we’ve done have sounded really good, haven’t they?”

Alright, Harry will accept that. But still. “They have,” he says. “But you’re not—okay, I love Ryan’s voice, you know that, but yours is miles better. I don’t know why you think you can’t sing, you sound amazing on all of our songs.”

“Thank you, Hazza,” Louis says. “I dunno. Maybe I’ve gained confidence with it, I feel like I’ve improved.”

“You’ve always been perfect,” Harry says crossly, and Louis laughs and kisses his temple.

“Okay, darling,” he says, clearly just trying to placate Harry. Harry’s not willing to stop defending Louis’s voice, but then Louis says, “So, can we talk about how gay Behind The Sea is?”

And Harry bursts into giggles.

“ _The men all played along to marching drums_ ,” he warbles. “ _And boy did they have fun! Behind the sea!”_

Louis’s laughing too. “I mean, most of it makes no sense, but it’s clearly about a gay tryst Ryan had in the sea. I mean, waves of wooden legs? Seriously?”

“Clearly,” Harry says, and then, “Oh! I just remembered, did you know the boards on their official website have a fanfic section now?” Louis shakes his head. “Someone posted about it on FBRT, I think it’s probably embarrassing Buzznet type stuff.”

“That's still amazing though,” Louis says. “I thought Panic disapproved of fanfiction.”

“That’s what they want you to think,” Harry says. “Meanwhile, Ryan’s on those boards every day.”

“Ryan’s writing his own fic,” Louis says. “Carrying around a notebook and taking notes on the way the other guys act.”

“He tells them it’s his songwriting notebook,” Harry says. “And then Brendon reads it and passes out.”

“From shock or excitement?” Louis asks. “Or horniness?”

“All three,” Harry says. “Lou, I think we just wrote a fic ourselves.”

Louis bursts into laughter. “Oh God, we did.”

*

There’s an iTunes deluxe album which has alternate versions of Behind The Sea and The Piano Knows, and a video for Mad As Rabbits. Harry’s sure it’ll all be uploaded somewhere, so he could just find it to download, but he wants to support the band. So after Louis goes home, he buys the deluxe version, and then he watches the Mad As Rabbits video three times in a row.

It’s so good, and it’s full of cute moments of all the band members. There are a handful of cute Ryan/Brendon moments too, and there’s a shot of Jon and Spencer sitting alone on a roof that Harry just loves, he’s shipping them more and more lately too.

And the alternate versions of the songs are beautiful. They make him love Behind The Sea even more, and find a new appreciation for The Piano Knows. He’s glad he bought it, and he's _so_ glad the album isn't shit like he'd feared a few months ago. It's his new favourite.

***

**MCR Forum - > General Discussion -> Talk About Random Stuff Thread**

**snowghosts - 7:09pm, Thursday 27/03/2008**

zayn! lol you know how louis had those pics of emoticons we made out of salt up on his myspace? from patd when we were bored?

well myspace was all ‘you have inappropriate images’ and deleted them! we guessed it's because they thought it was cocaine. o_O what the actual fuck.

* * *

**justsleep **\- 7:11pm, Thursday 27/03/2008****

>:O wtf myspace!!! how dare they

that was such a funny day tho

‘stop assalting me’

* * *

**craic_romance **\- 7:12pm, Thursday 27/03/2008****

i’m loling at the idea of myspace bots thinking you play with your piles of cocaine

* * *

**snowghosts **\- 7:14pm, Thursday 27/03/2008****

obvs, whats the point otherwise

* * *

 

***

 **april 1**  

 **\- your eyes are the size of the moon (xxH) says:  
**[http://www2.kerrang.com/2008/04/fall_ou ... litup.html  
](http://www2.kerrang.com/2008/04/fall_out_boy_splitup.html)LMFAO KERRANG WROTE A FAKE ARTICLE ABOUT FOB SPLITTING UP  
**((louis)) drawn to the ones who never yawn. says:  
**AHAHHAHAA LOLING IRL  
**\- your eyes are the size of the moon (xxH) says:  
**beauty salon and up-coming workout DVD!  
**\- your eyes are the size of the moon (xxH) says:  
**You wouldn't see Gerard Way getting TV rolls like that  
**((louis)) drawn to the ones who never yawn. says:  
**I LOVE  
As for guitarist Joe Trohman and drummer Andy Hurley, Wentz remains typically vague.  
"I never really did catch their names," he said.  
LOLOLOLOL  
**\- your eyes are the size of the moon (xxH) says:  
**the biggest lol are the people who are like 'THAT'S LOW KERRANG. VERY LOW.' all ~disappointed  
**\- your eyes are the size of the moon (xxH) says:  
**OH NOES HOW DARE THEY MAKE A JOKE >:O P.WEEZEY AND HIS BAND R SRS BIZNIZ  
**((louis)) drawn to the ones who never yawn. says:  
**yeah like pwentz wouldnt find this hilarious AT ALL  
**((louis)) drawn to the ones who never yawn. says:  
**im sorry but the only person more ridiculous than pwentz is gabe saporta and thats a fact .

***

**11 april**

The first time Zayn sleeps over Harry’s house, it’s a dream come true. Harry’s so excited about it, Zayn’s spending a whole weekend, both Friday and Saturday nights. Tomorrow night they’re going to a party and Louis’s going to sleep over as well, but tonight is just for Harry and Zayn. Harry’s so thankful that his parents and Zayn’s parents aren’t too freaked out by the whole internet friend thing. Harry thinks they’re more like real life friends at this point anyway.

“We should watch Nine in the Afternoon together,” Zayn says.

“Yes,” says Harry, reaching for his laptop. “And we should watch the Panic DVD. And LOTMS.”

Zayn’s nodding, his eyes wide. “Yes, and maybe CobraCam or something,” he says, a grin spreading on his face. “And I brought vodka. We should make up drinking games for the DVDs.”

“This’s gonna be so sick,” Harry breathes, suddenly so excited to be able to watch the things they both love _with_ Zayn, not just through a screen. It feels so satisfying, just the thought of it.

Harry opens up Wordpad so they can make a list for their drinking game.

“So, the Panic DVD,” Zayn begins. “I think the easiest one, first off, is drink when Ryan’s a pissy bitch.”

Harry’s starting to hate that word, but he types it anyway. “That’s most of the time,” he says.

“Exactly,” says Zayn. “Also, when Brendon says or does something inappropriate.”

Harry snickers while he types. “What about, every time Jon actually talks?”

“Oh yes,” Zayn says. They try to think of others, but it’s been too long since either of them watched it, so they decide they can add more while they’re watching.

“Let’s do LOTMS, that’ll be easier,” Harry says, pressing the space bar a few too many times. “Whenever Gerard mentions art school.”

“Christ, we’re gonna get fucked,” Zayn says.

“Whenever Frank hurts Gerard or himself,” Harry says, writing it down. “Y’know, I read a fic like that recently. It was really good.”

“The Bexless one?” Zayn asks. “I love her.”

Harry nods, he thinks that’s right. He loves so much that Zayn likes fanfiction as well. Louis never properly got into it, not really.

“Drink whenever Brian’s life is so hard,” Zayn says, and Harry giggles. ‘Brian’s life, so hard’ started out as a thing Harry and Louis said, but Harry spread it to the forum. It’s one of Harry’s favourite themes of LOTMS.

“Every time Craig Aaronson appears,” Harry says. “Drink twice for every time he says ‘amazing’.”

“Ah-fucking amazing!” Zayn cries. “Jesus. Okay. Every time Bob hits a camera.”

“Or he’s the one filming,” Harry says as he types.

“Whenever Mikey does something totally Mikey,” Zayn says.

“Any time someone mentions Jersey,” Harry says.

“Oh fuck,” says Zayn. “We’re fucked.”

*

Harry’s drunk. Harry’s so drunk, and they’re only like halfway through LOTMS. Gerard’s just sang “ _Dream! Of cars and calories!_ _”_ and Harry and Zayn are giggling when suddenly Harry misses Louis.

Well, not suddenly, exactly, because Harry associates every bit of LOTMS with Louis, but it’s all gotten to him. “Louis loves that bit,” he says sadly. “He used to sing it all the time.”

Zayn chuckles some more. “You’ll see him tomorrow, H,” he says. “Don’t be sad.”

“I can’t help it,” Harry whines. “I just love him.”

Zayn pats Harry’s face. “That’s very cute.”

“I’m glad you’re here,” Harry says abruptly. “I’m happy hanging out just us. It’s just I always miss Louis when he’s not around.”

Zayn shakes his head. “Fucking hell, Harry,” he says. He looks and sounds amazed. “You’re like, proper in love with him.”

“Yeah. You knew that,” Harry says, and then he brightens. “And he’s in love with me!”

“Of course he is,” Zayn says with a smile. “Are you guys good, then?”

“I think so,” Harry says. He tries to remember if he’s been having any bad feelings lately, but none come to mind. Not about Louis. “He’s amazing. Amaaaaziiiiingggg.”

“Ah-fucking AMAZING?” Zayn asks, laughing through his hundredth Craig Aaronson impression of the night.

“He is, though,” Harry says, his giggles fading. “Sometimes it’s surreal, actually, because he’s so amazing, and everything’s going so well, and I’m so happy, and—”

“That’s good, H,” Zayn cuts him off, and Harry’s confused until he realises he’d started to sound a bit panicky. “I get how it could feel like a bit of a fairy tale, but it’s real, and you deserve this.”

“Thanks, Zayn,” Harry says, feeling a bit calmer.

“I think real love kinda is like a fairy tale,” Zayn says thoughtfully. “Like, it’s hard to find someone who fits you perfectly. And when you finally get it right, it’s like, how can this be happening? I get it.”

Harry nods, because he agrees, but then something clicks and he giggles. “ _True loooove, isn’t a fairy tale_ ,” he sings.

Zayn bursts into laughter. “ _True love isn’t make belieeeeve_.”

“ _True love like ours… is worth so much more… than something something_ ,” Harry finishes.

“I think it’s ‘diamond rings’,” Zayn says, still laughing.

“Yeah, think so,” Harry says.

“Well, sorry Ryan Ross, but you’re wrong, true love is a fairytale,” Zayn says.

“Maybe that’s why they scrapped the song,” Harry suggests. “He realised he was wrong.”

“Yeah, and not because of the worldwide scorn,” Zayn says.

*

When Frank says he joined his favourite band, Harry sighs. “I want that,” he says. He wants to be in a band and love it so much that it feels like his favourite.

“Hmm.” Harry looks over and Zayn’s squinting back at him thoughtfully. “You’re really serious about this band thing.”

“Well, yeah,” says Harry. He thinks he’s been pretty clear that this is what he wants.

“Hmm,” Zayn hums again. “Just you and Louis? Or d’you want a band?”

“A band,” Harry answers without thinking. He loves what he and Louis do, but he’s always wanted to be in a band. “D’you know Liam can play drums? Louis’s been talking to him about maybe joining us.”

“You know, I can play bass,” Zayn says, shifting a bit and not meeting Harry’s eyes.

“Zayn!” Harry cries, delighted. He remembers, now, that Zayn’s spoken about that before. He’s just never seemed like he wanted to be in a band. “Do you wanna join my band?”

Zayn laughs and his unease seems to slip away. “You haven’t heard me yet, I might be rubbish!”

“You’re not,” Harry says confidently. “And Niall plays guitar way better’n I do, he has to join us too!”

“Oh my God,” says Zayn. “Could we actually be a band?”

Harry’s bouncing a bit, he can’t help it. “I’ve been wanting that for so long,” he says. “We should all go over to Danny’s at some point this weekend, he’s got a drumkit. We can _jam_.”

“Jam.” Zayn giggles. “Is this just a stupid drunk idea?”

“Dunno,” says Harry. “I know, I’ll text Louis!”

It takes him a minute to find his phone, because he’s sitting on it. He opens it and then stares at it for a second.

“Text Louis,” Zayn reminds him.

“Right!” says Harry happily. It’s a slow process, typing on his phone’s tiny buttons while drunk, but eventually he pieces a text together and hits send.

 **to: lou <3  
** **me n zayn r taklin srsly about st4rtin our own b4nd. u, me, z=bass, li=drum, ni=giutar. is this a dum drunk idea or is it posibl? love u xxxxxxx**

“What’s with the random fours?” Zayn asks, looking blearily at Harry’s phone.

“I dunno, for fun,” Harry says, waving his phone around. Then it beeps.

 **from: lou <3  
** **lololol y halo thar drunkie. i think that sounds totes possible bb and id love to do it. we should talk to liam and niall 2moz. drink some water xxxx**

 **to: lou <3  
** **yay!!!! i was thnkn mb we cud ask danny fi we can go over n use his druns? jam together? or is it to soon xxxxxx**

 **from: lou <3  
** **i’ll talk to him :) hope you’re having fun, love you xxx**

 **to: lou <3  
** **i lov YOU!!!!!**

“Louis’s on board,” Harry tells Zayn.

“Cool,” Zayn says. Then he frowns. “S’a bit hard to be a band when we live so far apart, though.”

“Well, you’ll just have to move in with me,” Harry says. “Or we could all move to Liam’s uni. We’ll get a webcam and Niall can join us.”

Zayn’s frown deepens. “I wish we _could_ all move to Liam’s uni. Or at least move in together.”

“Me too,” Harry says wistfully. “I’d love to live with you and Louis, I wish we could.”

“Maybe we should look into it,” Zayn says. “Maybe the three of us actually could move to Manchester. And then we’d be in the same place as Liam.”

Harry stares at him. “Really?” he asks. “Are you serious?”

The idea of moving out of home is super scary, but the idea of living with his very best friends—which includes his _boyfriend—_ that sounds amazing.

Zayn nods. “Yeah, like, I love my family, but I’m sick of living at home. I wanna like, get out there. Feel more independent. And it’d make me happier, I think, living with you. Seeing your stupid face every day.”

“Hey, it’s a nice face,” Harry says, rubbing his own cheeks.

“Stop touching yourself, you creep,” Zayn says.

Harry does. “I’m happy you think living with me would make you happy,” he says. “That’s really lovely.”

“It is, isn’t it,” says Zayn. “I just think, like, you make my life loads better? And it’d just be easier if we lived together.”

Harry beams at him. “I totally agree,” he says. “Aw, I really want to. I bet Louis will be in.”

“We should ask Niall and Liam about this too, see what they think,” Zayn says. “Look at us, making all these plans for the future.”

“It’s about time, it’s been almost a year since college ended and I’m still fucking about at the bakery.”

“Hey, no,” says Zayn. “You’ve written like seven hundred songs, yeah?” Harry nods with a small smile. “And you’ve finally bagged yourself a boyfriend.” Harry lets out a loud, surprised laugh. “I’d say you’re doing pretty well for yourself.”

“Thanks,” Harry says. “Maybe I am. Besides, I feel like this past year was all about setting myself up, y’know, saving enough money to be able to go out and live on my own. And writing songs, yeah.”

“Exactly,” Zayn says. “There’s no rush. Everything happens when it’s supposed to happen.”

“Was that your mantra when I was annoying the shit out of you about Louis?” Harry asks.

Zayn laughs. “Yeah. Had to tell myself that every few seconds.”

*

Just as they’ve gotten comfy in Harry’s bed, declaring themselves too drunk to stay awake any longer, Harry gets a text from Louis.

 **from: lou <3  
** **liam and niall love the idea. liams coming up for dougies tomorrow anyway, so hes gonna come early and the 4 of us can go to dannys and see how we go. he said thats cool. then we’ll go to dougies :) go to bed if you havent already, love you xxx**

Harry happily relays this information to Zayn, who looks pleased for a second until he groans.

“What’s wrong?” Harry asks.

Zayn covers his face with a pillow.

Harry laughs. “You can stay under the pillow if you tell me.”

Zayn pauses for a moment, and then he says something, but it’s too muffled for Harry to hear.

“I can’t hear you,” Harry says, trying to sound his saddest.

Zayn takes the pillow off his face, clearly annoyed. “I said,” Zayn says, then seems to think twice, then rolls his eyes. “Ugh. I’d just. I forgot for a second that Liam was coming tomorrow.”

“Oh,” Harry says, and then he’s confused. “Wait, what? Do you not like Liam?”

He thought Zayn got on with Liam. They’d spent a lot of time together at Reading, he thinks, although Zayn was awkward at the start. And Harry knows they talk online, and at Panic it was like they were old friends. Harry’s had too much to drink, he can’t figure out why Zayn wouldn’t like Liam. They’re both lovely.

“No,” Zayn says. Harry’s never seen him look so uncomfortable.

“You don’t have to tell me,” Harry says. “I’m confused, but I’ll live.”

“No, I want to, it’s just dumb,” Zayn says. “Ugh. Fine. I might fancy Liam.”

Harry sits up and stares at him. “ _What?”_

He’s trying not to overreact and scare Zayn off, but _what?_ He knows that Zayn's gay too, but he’d never even imagined—but then he does imagine it, and he loves the idea of the two of them together.

Maybe he should slow down. Zayn doesn’t seem as eager.

“I don’t know,” he says miserably. “We have loads in common, and he’s lovely, and he’s fit, and—I dunno, it came on at Reading and I’ve been trying to repress it ever since, it seems hopeless.”

Harry’s quite sure that’s the most he’s heard Zayn talk at once in real life.

“Why? Liam could defs fancy you too,” Harry says. “You know he’s bi, yeah?”

“I didn’t know that,” Zayn says, like he’s cautiously optimistic. “He is?”

“Yeah, and look at you,” Harry waves his hand at Zayn’s face and Zayn bats him away. “And you’re lovely and you have loads in common. It could happen, why are you ruling it out?”

“Oh fuck,” Zayn says, his eyes widening. “You sound like me. Am I you now? Have we swapped?”

Harry giggles. “Maybe we have.”

“Oh nooo,” Zayn moans while Harry keeps giggling away. “Alright. I’ll try to be more sensible.”

“No, try to be optimistic,” Harry says. “Sensible gets you nowhere.”

“Alright, Mr Loved-Up,” Zayn says, but he’s smiling. Then he yawns. “C’n we go to sleep now?”

“Yep,” Harry says, flopping back down onto his pillow. “Got a big day tomorrow with your future boyfriend.”

“Shut up before I decide to kill you in your sleep,” Zayn mumbles.

***

**12 april**

Of course, when Louis and Liam pick them up the next day to go to Danny’s, Liam’s got big news.

He’s gotten a girlfriend.

Fuck’s sake.

Harry looks at Zayn, who’s keeping an impressive lid on his reaction. Louis’s already congratulating Liam, and Zayn joins in.

“Happy for you,” Harry says, and Liam seems happy, so Harry likes that.

But he’s sad for Zayn. And he was so looking forward to spending the day playing subtle matchmaker. Damn.

***

“Ahhhhhh,” Harry says, actually wiping at his eyes. “That was a lol and a half.”

“A lol… and a half,” Liam echoes, still laughing. “What?”

“What’s wrong with that?” Louis asks, his laughter quickly fading. Harry can’t quite tell how serious he is.

“No, I like it,” Liam says, still grinning. “You just don’t normally hear people say ‘lol’ in real life, do you? But I enjoyed it.”

“Good,” Louis says, still weirdly intense.

They're at Dougie's, and as the night goes on, Harry starts to realise that Louis has been peppering all sorts of internet lingo into his sentences. He’s greatly amused and immediately joins in, so every conversation is full of lols and idks and iawtcs and orlys. Most people seem confused, but then Zayn comes back from his random D&M with Giovanna and overhears them.

“I quite like your linguistics,” Zayn says, and Harry beams at him.

“Oh Zayn, I quite like _you_ ,” Louis says happily. “Good addition, this one.”

“Really glad to finally win your approval, Lou,” Zayn says drily, and Harry giggles. They really have known each other for a while now.

That realisation makes Harry happy. He likes to see his online world and his real life meshing together.

Meanwhile, Louis’s laughing at Zayn. “Nah, mate, you did that the first time I saw your Myspace.” He holds an imaginary camera above his head and looks up at it with a smouldering pout, in a hilarious yet sexy imitation of Zayn’s old Myspace poses.

Harry has a good lol while Zayn scowls. Louis’s pretending to take several dozen photos of himself.

“I didn’t look like that,” Zayn says.

He’s wrong though. “You totes did,” Harry says.

Louis breaks out of his posing. “Totes,” he laughs. “Don’t worry, it was a good look for you.”

“Everything’s a good look for him, look at that face,” Harry says. Zayn still seems embarrassed, but now he also seems mollified. Good. He shouldn’t be embarrassed about any of his Myspace photos, they’re all practically art.

Zayn makes a pained noise and pulls up his hoodie. “Can we talk about something else please?”

“Sure,” Harry says happily, thinking immediately of their brand new band. “Let’s talk about how well that jam sesh went today.”

“ _Jam sesh_ ,” Louis mimics, but he’s smiling. “Honestly, Harry.”

Harry’s so amused by the way that Louis teases him, when he’d rip out the eyeballs of anyone else who dared. Also how fond he is with Harry, when he’d decimate anyone else for saying the same stuff. Harry snuggles in closer to Louis and kisses his cheek.

“You guys are weird,” Zayn says. “I did think it went well though.”

“It did,” Louis says. “We might not be terrible.”

“We _might_ be fucking awesome,” Harry says. “And imagine how much better we’d be with Niall on guitar! And Louis can play piano!”

Louis lets out a surprised little laugh. “Um, no I can’t.”

“Yes you can,” Harry insists, because Louis _can_ , Harry’s seen him do How To Save A Life flawlessly. And he’d fucking _taught_ Harry how to play Welcome To The Black Parade in 2006.

“Hazza, I can only play, like, five songs,” Louis says.

Harry pouts. “Well you play them perfectly.”

Louis smiles. “Love, even if that were true, I can’t _play piano_. I only actually know four chords, I think.”

“Well,” Harry says, frowning. “Well, four chords can make a song. And you can learn more, if you wanted. I think you’d be amazing.”

“Aw, Hazza,” Louis says. “Well, we can give it a go. Scrap it if I’m rubbish.”

“You won’t be,” Harry says confidently.

“Y'know, I’d almost forgotten what it’s like, being around the two of you,” Zayn says, snapping Harry out of how intensely he’d been focused on Louis.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Louis asks.

“I mean, you’re very cute, you just tend to disappear into your own world,” Zayn says. “If we did move in together, I’d be alone all the time.”

“You’d like that, though,” Harry points out.

“True, that actually might work,” Zayn says. He waves a hand. “Carry on.”

“Perfect,” Harry giggles. “Now we’ve just got to smuggle Niall into England. Easy.”

“He’s been saying he wants to move over here ever since he finished college,” Zayn says. “I don’t think it would take much convincing.”

“And we can entice him with the band,” Harry says.

“He was very enthusiastic when I told him about it,” Louis says. “He said—wait a sec, I kept the message.” He thrusts up his hips to get his phone out of his pocket. Harry watches happily. “I said, he could be in the band over the phone, and he said, ‘nah mate, I gotta be there in person’. And he spelled mate, M-8.” Louis shakes his head. “What a legend.”

“Well that sounds good!” Harry says. “We should ask him. Let’s give him a ring!”

“Oh, that’s a good idea,” Zayn says. “He was sad we didn’t ring him last night.”

“Oh no,” Harry says, momentarily distracted. “Did you tell him we’re drunken buffoons?”

“Yes,” says Zayn. “That made him even sadder.”

“So we should ring him then,” Harry decides. “Include him in our drunken buffoonery.”

“Yes!” Louis says, and he’s already got his phone out, so he presses call. “It’s ringing!”

“Phones do that sometimes,” Zayn says, and Louis shushes him as Niall picks up.

He’s at his own party, apparently, he sounds very drunk and very happy to hear from them.

“Niall, Niall,” Louis interrupts as Niall’s recounting some game he’d just won. “Niall, shut up a minute. Thank you. We want you to clear up something—are you joining our band via webcam, or are you actually gonna get your arse into our country?”

“You don’t want my arse, you only want Harry’s!” Niall yells, loudly enough that Harry can hear him clearly. Harry winces. That sounds like it was heard by all of Ireland.

“True,” Louis says, winking at Harry, and Harry doesn’t care. He’ll go and tell the Irish prime minister himself.

Niall seems to have lowered his volume, because Harry can’t quite make out what he’s saying, but Louis’s making lots of listening noises.

“Mhm. Okay,” Louis says, then he tells Harry and Zayn, “He says he definitely wants to, but he’d have to live with us, obviously.” He listens for another moment. “So he says to let him know when we’ve got a house.”

“There’s our answer, then,” Harry says gleefully. Moving out together! The reality of that is probably going to be quite terrifying, but right now he’s too excited about the possibility of living with his best friends to worry about it.

“Tell him we’d love that,” Zayn says.

“Tell him yourself,” says Louis, tossing his phone into Zayn’s lap.

Zayn says something, clearly annoyed, but Harry’s not listening. Louis’s come closer.

“Gonna move out together,” Louis says, his eyes fucking twinkling. “Gonna start a proper band.”

“Yeah,” Harry breathes, and then obviously he kisses Louis. What else is he supposed to do?

When they join the real world again—fucking Zayn, that’s the way Harry’s going to think of it now—Liam’s sitting on the arm rest beside Zayn and Danny’s standing next to them. Liam’s talking into Louis’s phone.

“I wanna speak with him,” Danny whines. “We’re Myspace friends!”

“He’s Myspace friends with our whole group, isn’t he?” Harry asks. He’s pretty sure Niall just likes to add people.

“Yes, but we’ve commented each other,” Danny says.

“Great romances of the twenty-first century,” Louis mutters to Harry. Harry laughs.

Liam says, “Sorry about this, Nialler,” before giving the phone to Danny, who immediately protests that apology.

“He was like this about you, too, you know,” Harry tells Zayn.

“That’s right!” Louis cries. “Remember that party, he was like, ‘I’m friends with your internet friend!’”

“And then you were like ‘well I’ve met him’ and Danny sadfaced everywhere,” Harry giggles.

“And now you're here and suddenly he cares about Niall,” Louis says, shaking his head.

Zayn laughs. “I’m probably better on Myspace anyway.”

“With those poses, yeah,” Louis says.

Liam’s looking between them, clearly missing the joke but enjoying it anyway. Danny’s chatting up a storm with Niall.

“Oh wow,” Harry says. “He might actually be friends with Niall.”

“Aw, that’s a bit cute,” Louis says. “Maybe I was right, maybe this is a romance blossoming.”

They watch Danny talk animatedly about Green Day and golf, and it seems to be going well, although Harry wonders about the topics. Maybe Niall had asked Danny to talk about things that start with a G. That doesn’t seem outside the realm of possibility.

“This is weird,” Louis says. “Feels like watching your Sims socialise.”

Harry laughs. “It does a bit.”

He looks over to see Zayn and Liam chatting quietly amongst themselves, and Harry smiles in their direction, while smugly thinking, who’s in their own little world now, Zayn?

And then he remembers Liam’s new girlfriend and gets sad.

“Lou,” Harry says softly. He just wants to float the idea. “D’you think Zayn and Liam would be cute together?”

Louis looks surprised, and then he looks at them, considering. “I mean, I dunno where that came from, but yeah. I could see it.”

“Oh good,” Harry says.

“Too bad, with Liam’s new girlfriend,” Louis says. Harry sighs. Too fucking bad.

***

**18 april**

**[zayn] says:  
**hazza  
**\-- i've known you in every life i've lived. (xxH) says:  
**zayn :D  
**[zayn] says:  
**lol i saw that you, ni, liam and louis were all online so i thought we could try a group convo finally  
**\-- i've known you in every life i've lived. (xxH) says:  
**oh cool. good idea. add ni first and let him know, i’m talking to louis atm, i’ll tell him  
**[zayn] says:  
**ok  
**NIALL CAME HERE TO MAKE YOU DANCE TONIGHT TBH has been added to the chat.  
****NIALL CAME HERE TO MAKE YOU DANCE TONIGHT TBH says:  
**hai bbz~~  
**[zayn] says:  
**hi bb, we're gonna add louis and liam so we can plan/talk about stuff :))) u cool?  
**NIALL CAME HERE TO MAKE YOU DANCE TONIGHT TBH says:  
**yehhhh ! :niall:  
**[zayn] says:  
**lmao you can’t bring forum smileys to msn gtfo  
**NIALL CAME HERE TO MAKE YOU DANCE TONIGHT TBH says:  
**FUCKIN WATCH ME :NIALL: :NIALL: :NIALL:  
**NIALL CAME HERE TO MAKE YOU DANCE TONIGHT TBH says:  
**lmao rmr when we used to have a heap of forum ppl in a chat and it moved too fast to keep up with lolol or when we used to add randoms and troll them lololololol ahhhh gud tiemz  
**[zayn] says:  
**lolololol fuck we were tools  
**NIALL CAME HERE TO MAKE YOU DANCE TONIGHT TBH says:  
**speak 4 urself :hand:  
**[zayn] says:  
**gtfo  
**NIALL CAME HERE TO MAKE YOU DANCE TONIGHT TBH says:  
**i’d leave the chat if we weren’t waiting on harry. wheretf is he ??????  
**(louis) may your organs fail before your dreams fail you. has been added to the chat.  
****LIAM … Count your blessings on one hand … has been added to the chat.  
****NIALL CAME HERE TO MAKE YOU DANCE TONIGHT TBH says:  
**oic i guess he was doing that  
**NIALL CAME HERE TO MAKE YOU DANCE TONIGHT TBH says:  
**HAIIIII GUISEEEE*~*~*  
**\-- i've known you in every life i've lived. (xxH) says:  
**lol yes i was -_-  
****(louis) may your organs fail before your dreams fail you.** says:  
**lol hi niall . and others  
**LIAM … Count your blessings on one hand … says:  
**Hi everyone :)  
**[zayn] says:  
**others <_<  
**[zayn] says:  
**hi liam :)  
**\-- i've known you in every life i've lived. (xxH) says:  
**li, zayn saw us all online and thought we should chat about moving stuff :)  
**LIAM … Count your blessings on one hand … says:  
**Oh cool!!  
****(louis) may your organs fail before your dreams fail you.**  says:  
**right. so we’re defs thinking manchester yeah? liams not gonna up and change unis so we cant live in london  
**LIAM … Count your blessings on one hand … says:  
**Well I’d rather not  
**[zayn] says:  
**londons too expensive anyways  
**NIALL CAME HERE TO MAKE YOU DANCE TONIGHT TBH says:  
**i vote for ireland :)  
**\-- i've known you in every life i've lived. (xxH) says:  
**wish we could afford london, the scene’s probs better  
**\-- i've known you in every life i've lived. (xxH) says:  
**but manchester’s gayer so i spose its ok  
**[zayn] says:  
**a solid point harry  
****(louis) may your organs fail before your dreams fail you.**  says:  
**doesnt matter, you heard liam. he refuses to relocate for anyone  
****(louis) may your organs fail before your dreams fail you.**  says:  
**so selfish  
****(louis) may your organs fail before your dreams fail you.**  says:  
**NIALLS MOVING ENTIRE COUNTRIES LIAM, WHERES UR COMMITTMENT TO SPARKLE MOTION  
****(louis) may your organs fail before your dreams fail you.**  says:  
**also harold hdu, manchester birthed britpop >:(  
**NIALL CAME HERE TO MAKE YOU DANCE TONIGHT TBH says:  
**AHAHAHAHA SPARKLE MOTION~*~*~  
**[zayn] says:  
**aw niall, sry for making u move countries bb :(  
**NIALL CAME HERE TO MAKE YOU DANCE TONIGHT TBH says:  
**lol sok, i figured i’d have to come to u english twats long ago. ive made my peace wiht it  
**\-- i've known you in every life i've lived. (xxH) says:  
**soz lou. lemme go apologise to noel gallagher and morissey personally  
****(louis) may your organs fail before your dreams fail you.**  says:  
**no dont theyre both wankers, i forgive u  
**\-- i've known you in every life i've lived. (xxH) says:  
**also omfgggg sparkle motion*~*~ lets call our band that  
**NIALL CAME HERE TO MAKE YOU DANCE TONIGHT TBH says:  
**im on board ~*~*~  
**LIAM … Count your blessings on one hand … says:  
**Fuck off louid. Just to prove how not selfish I am I;m gonna go look for houses  
****(louis) may your organs fail before your dreams fail you.**  says:  
**lol louid  
**\-- i've known you in every life i've lived. (xxH) says:  
**loulid  
****(louis) may your organs fail before your dreams fail you.**  says:  
**lou id  
**NIALL CAME HERE TO MAKE YOU DANCE TONIGHT TBH says:  
**flouid  
**[zayn] says:  
**ew   
**[zayn] says:  
**ok back on topic lol, i just wanna make sure everyone’s cool w/ this  
**[zayn] says:  
**moving out of home/in together i mean  
**\-- i've known you in every life i've lived. (xxH) says:  
**i mean its scary, moving away from mum… but i’m still excited, i want to more than i’m scared  
****(louis) may your organs fail before your dreams fail you.**  says:  
**m2, i kinda haaaate the idea of living away from the girls and mum but there’s nothing i can do about that  
**[zayn] says:  
**i just dont want you guys to disregard your emotions about it, like it’s ok if youre freaked out or w/e  
**NIALL CAME HERE TO MAKE YOU DANCE TONIGHT TBH says:  
**i’m just ready to do it lol  
**[zayn] says:  
**i just don’t want us to make a decision we’ll regret because it seems like the right thing to do  
**\-- i've known you in every life i've lived. (xxH) says:  
**naw zayn <3 i think i’ll be scared/feel whatever i feel about it but ultimately this is what i wanna do  
**\-- i've known you in every life i've lived. (xxH) says:  
**like it feels like following a dream. and there’s something inherently terrifying about that but it still feels right  
****(louis) may your organs fail before your dreams fail you.**  says:  
**iawhc! we’ve talked abt it, its gonna be amazing to live with you lot and make music, the excitement overshadows the unpleasent bits  
**[zayn] says:  
**aw ^-^ thats nice. i think it’ll be amazing too. i just don’t want you guys to hate it and it all to fall apart so it’s good you think that ^-^  
**NIALL CAME HERE TO MAKE YOU DANCE TONIGHT TBH says:  
**and !!! we can help eachother through homesickness!!!! we have to remember to talk about it when we feel like shit, bcz we all have eachothers backs!!!!  
**\-- i've known you in every life i've lived. (xxH) says:  
**aw niall :)  
**[zayn] says:  
**<3  
**LIAM … Count your blessings on one hand … says:  
**Sorry lads was looking at places! I agree with all of you :)  
**LIAM … Count your blessings on one hand … says:  
**I found some 5 bedroom places… Louis and Harry will you be sharing a room? I wasn’t sure  
**LIAM … Count your blessings on one hand … says:  
**http://realestate.co.uk/6786236863frgjgwf2324f  
**LIAM … Count your blessings on one hand … says:  
**http://realestate.co.uk/24876872467684638y92v   
****(louis) may your organs fail before your dreams fail you.**  says:  
**lol yeah we will :) but i think 5bd is best if possible because we’ll probs have too much stuff to fit in one room :| and then we can have a spare room  
**\-- i've known you in every life i've lived. (xxH) says:  
**unless we can find a 4bed with a huge master bedroom lol  
**NIALL CAME HERE TO MAKE YOU DANCE TONIGHT TBH says:  
**if u guise get the master does that make u the parents  
**LIAM … Count your blessings on one hand … says:  
**http://realestate.co.uk/7684638y92v72645t2dgu1  
**LIAM … Count your blessings on one hand … says:  
**http://realestate.co.uk/6546fvyhfd65e65sxc3434l  
**\-- i've known you in every life i've lived. (xxH) says:  
**yes niall. go to bed.  
****(louis) may your organs fail before your dreams fail you.**  says:  
**niall im not even gonna dignify that :|  
**NIALL CAME HERE TO MAKE YOU DANCE TONIGHT TBH says:  
**lolololololol  
**[zayn] says:  
**li i like the 2nd one best. it looks cute and the price is decent and the locations good  
**\-- i've known you in every life i've lived. (xxH) says:  
**the chorlton one? i liked that one too, we should be looking for places like that  
****(louis) may your organs fail before your dreams fail you.**  says:  
**m2. how soon do we wanna go??  
**[zayn] says:  
**lol literally asap. i’m so ready to gooooo  
**NIALL CAME HERE TO MAKE YOU DANCE TONIGHT TBH says:  
**i mean gimme enough time to book a flight lol. maybe you guys will have to move in before me actually :/ i’ll need my da to get time off to help me  
**NIALL CAME HERE TO MAKE YOU DANCE TONIGHT TBH says:  
**thats ok tho we don’t all have to go at the same time right?  
****(louis) may your organs fail before your dreams fail you.**  says:  
**yeah thats ok  
**LIAM … Count your blessings on one hand … says:  
**I liked the Chorlton one best too :) I’ll keep looking for places like that. And sorry to be a bother, but I’ve got to stay in the dorms until after exams :/ should be good to go right after them tho  
****(louis) may your organs fail before your dreams fail you.**  says:  
**‘sorry to be a bother’ listen to urself. its fine u wally  
**[zayn] says:  
**thats totes fine liam. thats what, end of june? probs gives us a good amount of time to find something decent/pack  
**LIAM … Count your blessings on one hand … says:  
**May actually! Not as much time but should be ok  
**\-- i've known you in every life i've lived. (xxH) says:  
**aaaahhhhh i’m so scaaaared but i wanna do it soon/don’t want us to miss out on a place we like bc its too soon. i think if we agree on a place and have to go right away i should be able to do that  
****(louis) may your organs fail before your dreams fail you.**  says:  
**itll be ok bb <3 i gotchu  
**\-- i've known you in every life i've lived. (xxH) says:  
**lol ilysm  
**[zayn] says:  
**god you guys are gonna be sickening to live with  
**\-- i've known you in every life i've lived. (xxH) says:  
**:(  
****(louis) may your organs fail before your dreams fail you.**  says:  
**zayns just jelluz bb  
**[zayn] says:  
**you’re right, it’s my bitter loneliness  
**NIALL CAME HERE TO MAKE YOU DANCE TONIGHT TBH says:  
**u wont be lonely for long zaynie!!!!!! soon u will have MEEEEE all the time!!!!! :yay: :niall:  
**[zayn] says:  
**WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT FORUM SMILEYS GTFO

***

**10 may**

“Hey Mum,” Harry says. It’s a Saturday and his mum’s sat with a cuppa reading a book. He feels bad for interrupting her, but she says she’s always up for a chat with him.

Sure enough, she looks up at him, smiles, and puts her book to the side. “Yes, little love?”

Harry sits beside her on the sofa. “We’ve found a place,” he says. “We can move in a fortnight.”

“Oh, wow,” she says, looking surprised. He wonders if she’d thought they wouldn’t go through with it. “And how do you feel?”

“Excited,” Harry says, then, “Scared. Bit overwhelmed.”

“It’ll be okay,” his mum says. “It’ll be an adjustment, I’m sure, but I think this is going to be so good for you. Where’s the house? Is it a house, or a flat…?”

“It’s a terrace,” Harry says. “In Failsworth.”

“Please tell me you didn’t choose it just for the name.”

“It’s a funny name, Mum,” Harry says. “But no, the house looks really nice. Just outside the city, not too expensive for the location either.”

“Well, that’s good,” his mum says. “And how are you feeling?”

Harry shifts. “I’m okay,” he starts. “I am scared. It’s scary.”

“It is.”

“I feel like I have to, like, grow up now,” Harry says. “Be an adult.”

“Sort of,” his mum says. “But at least you’re not too far from us. If you need help, we can be there. And I’m only a phone call away.”

“I know,” Harry says.

“And it’s not like I’m kicking you out,” she says, smiling. “You can come back any time. For good, for a week, for a day, whatever.”

“Thanks, Mum,” Harry says, feeling a bit better. “What do you think about—like, the economy and stuff?”

“Look at that, you are an adult,” she teases.

“Shoosh, you know what I mean,” Harry says. Usually he’d say shut up, but he can’t tell his mother to shut up. “There’s like, a financial crisis happening, isn’t there? Wouldn't it be smarter to just stay at home and save our money?”

“To keep mooching forever, you mean.”

“Well, as long as you’ll have me,” Harry says, trying to smile charmingly. His mum laughs.

“Forever, then,” she says. “Seriously, though. You can’t put your life on hold just because some people are mucking things up. Have you applied for this house? You’ve been accepted?”

Harry nods. “Yes.”

“Then do it. Starting a rental history is important. And if you need money, your father and Robin and I are here. It’ll be okay.”

“Okay,” Harry says. He leans against her in a sort of half-hug. “Thanks, Mum.”

“Anytime,” she says, then she sighs and squeezes his arm. “I’m going to miss you stomping about the house.”

Harry laughs. “I’m gonna miss you too.” He tries not to think of how much he means it. “Both of your babies will have flown the nest.”

“Don’t remind me,” his mum groans. “Just me, Robin, and Dusty, like two old retirees.”

“You’re not old, Mum,” Harry says, then, “Although you do have that Sodoku addiction.”

She shoves him away and picks up her book. “I’m not going to miss that cheek,” she says, and Harry laughs as he stands up.

“Yes you will,” he says, heading back to his room to get stuck into packing. He's got to take all of his posters off the walls, it's gonna take an eternity.

***

**MCR Forum - > Member’s Blogs -> weeeee are the light in the tunnel (H)**

**snowghosts - 11:42am, Sunday 25/05/2008**

MOVING DAAAAYYYY !!!!

IT’S HAPPENING U GUISE. THREE MEMBERS OF THIS VERY FORUM ARE MOVING IN TOGETHER. you should all go to zayn’s blog too, he filmed a house tour for you guise and some of moving day :) deffo recommend! in fact, watch it now so i don’t have to describe the house lolol

niall doesn’t have a moving day blog yet bc niall is STILL NOT HERE >:( lol as you all probably know, he can’t fly in until tuesday. so we have two niall-free days and he didn’t get to move in with us :( it’s gonna feel more real when he’s here <3

so zayn came to manc with his parents, liam came with his, and me and louis came with our mums and my stepdad. very full car. but robin likes our music, so he let me and louis choose which CDs to put on :D haha my mum doesn’t care for MCR but she loves teenagers, in 2006 she told me i was allowed to swear if i was singing that song rofl. so when teenagers came on we blasted it and were all singing along, it was grate :D

movingggg dayyyy involved blasting a lot of our music and hauling boxes/furniture from the multiple moving vans. deffo an exhausting day. even louis who claimed he’d spend the day supervising was put to work.

was so exciting tho. getting all our stuff together in our house :’) and having all our families there at once was lovely too. after we moved everything inside, liam’s dad and robin banded together and insisted on shouting everyone dominos. louis said he felt like a proper american stereotype, eating pizza surrounded by moving boxes lolol.

then we had to unpack and decide what was going in common spaces. was torn between unpacking in my room and the kitchen, but i had mum and louis’s mum helping me.

we’ve kinda crowdsourced furniture from all our parents haha, so we have my parents’ old sofa which i’m happy about. it’s comfy and there’s nothing wrong with it, and it makes me feel homey :) we’ve also pooled together our electronics lol. we have liam’s xbox, my wii, and zayn’s playstation. plus louis has his own xbox in our room. (he said we need it to watch movies in privacy :) date nights!) liam didn’t want his xbox/tv in his room bc he says it’s not good for healthy sleeping :/

i was a bit iffy on taking the wii bc it had been a christmas present for me and gemma, so it’s hers too, and also my mum and robin ended up using it just as much. they’ve a bit of an addiction to wii bowling and my mum loves wii fit. gemma said i could take it, since she didn’t want it at university, but i felt bad taking it away from my parents. so gems told mum and she laughed and insisted i take it. she said she’d buy one herself for an early birthday present. so now i feel ok about it :)

our families left once it got dark. we were about 67% unpacked at that point but we felt confident that we could do the rest ourselves haha. it was weirdly hard for me when my mum left though. i feel like i had all this nervous energy about moving and during the day it was easy to channel that into working, but once my mum left it was like all the energy was zapped out of me. idk it was a long day so maybe it was that. but it was also an ‘oh fuck i’ve moved out of home’ moment and i still havent quite dealt with that.

before they left, liam’s and zayn’s mums ducked out to the shops and bought us some food. we were too tired to make proper food tho, so we had pot noodles for dinner and put on the mighty boosh. lol zayn and liam were asleep before the second episode ended, so me and louis woke them up and we all went to bed.

i was still feeling a bit melancholy, but it was nice to go through my nighttime routine with louis :) reminded me of when we went on holiday after christmas, except now i get to do it every single day :) so that cheered me up. and then we got in bed and cuddled and he asked if i was okay. and i told him how it just hit me when mum left. that i’m still excited to live with him and the boys, but i might be a bit sad about the change for a while. he said that’s okay, he just wants to be in the loop with how i’m feeling.

and this morning i woke up to breakfast in bed, bc louis had snuck out early to get us coffee and croissants and he got me flowers :) he’s so supportive, i’m so lucky to have him.

lucky to have liam and zayn too :) and we all cant wait for niall to join us!!! <3

 ***

**2 june**

They’re almost totally moved in, so things have settled down a bit, and it’s an adjustment. Of course it’s an adjustment. There are a lot of things Harry loves—he loves living with his boyfriend, sharing not only a house but a bed with Louis, and he loves living with his best friends. The environment in their house is so loving and supportive, and everyone indulges Harry in his more domestic leanings. He decorates with candles and plants and he cooks dinner for everyone, and the boys comment on how nice something looks or how good his food is, and Louis always kisses his cheek in thanks, and it’s wonderful.

Harry actually completely loves the situation he’s in, but he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t having a hard time adjusting to the change. Simply being away from his mum and having to make a new home somewhere that isn’t his family's house is really hard for him.

He expected to miss his family, and he does—he feels their absence, he hadn’t realised how comforting it had been just to know his mum was in the same house. But he’s been caught off guard by how hard it is to adjust to a new house, a new environment.

He’s put off talking to anyone about it. But now, Harry's home alone—Louis's already gotten a job at a record shop, so he's there, and none of the other boys are home—and he’s been lost in his thoughts for too long. And he misses his mum.

“Hi little love,” she says when she picks up. “How are you? I was just thinking of you.”

“You were?” Harry asks, surprised.

“Mhm, I was actually just about to give you a ring,” his mum says. “I’ve been trying to give you your space, you know, to get used to everything. But I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too,” Harry says, feeling soothed in places he hadn’t realised were hurting. “I think… I’m happy being here, but it’s been hard to adjust to.”

“It’s a big change,” his mum says, understanding in her voice. “And you’ve never been good at moving.”

“It’s just, I like the house a lot,” Harry says. “But I hadn’t realised I was this attached to our—I mean _your_ , your house.”

She chuckles, but it sounds sad. “That’s weird to hear,” she says.

“It’s weird to say,” Harry says.

“Mmm. Well, about the house—I know we’ve only been here a few years, but you had good memories here, didn’t you?”

“Yes, Mum,” Harry says fondly. “I just mean—like, I was so opposed to that move, when we moved there? I dunno, Holmes Chapel was my childhood house, it makes sense I was upset to leave it. So now, I don’t understand why I’m sad, you know what I mean?”

“Oh, Harry,” his mum says. “I wonder if it’s simply the move? Maybe moving houses reminds you of leaving Holmes Chapel. Maybe you’ve associated moving with these feelings of sadness.”

Harry hadn’t thought of it that way.

“I know you, my love,” his mum says. “I know how important the idea of home is for you. I’m completely confident you’ll make this new place your home, especially having Louis with you. But it makes sense to me that right now, being away from this house and your family, you might feel like your home has been displaced. And that’s unsettling for you.”

It’s like she’s articulating everything Harry’s been feeling. “Yeah,” he says, a bit overwhelmed. “I mean. That sounds right.”

“It’s okay to be unsettled and overwhelmed,” his mum says gently. It’s so comforting to hear. “In fact, it makes sense. Moving house is overwhelming for a lot of people. I think you should acknowledge your feelings, but also try to make the new place feel more like home.”

“Mm.” Harry thinks that’s good advice. “I will. I’ll try.”

“And I just want you to know,” his mum continues. “I’m so proud of you, little love. I know this is hard, but you’re following your dreams. And it’s scary, but in the long run, you’re going to be so happy. I just know it.”

Harry smiles. “Thanks, Mum.”

“And ring me any time, alright?” she says. “I always, _always_ want to hear from you.”

“I will,” Harry promises.

“Have you spoken to Louis about any of this?”

“No,” Harry admits, and it feels wrong as he’s saying it. Stupid. He doesn’t want to keep anything from Louis.

“You should,” his mum says. “Promise me you will. It’ll help, love, I know it will.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Harry says. “I’ll talk to him, I promise.”

“Good,” his mum says, and then he asks for an update on Dusty and Robin.

He’s not sure why he’s been putting off talking to Louis about it. If anyone will understand his homesickness, it’s Louis. Harry supposes he’s been worried that Louis will misunderstand him; Harry doesn’t want him to question whether Harry wants to be here. His feelings have felt too complicated to explain properly, but now his mum has given words to them. And that just makes it obvious that he needs to talk to Louis.

Louis gets home from work a few hours later, and Harry makes dinner for everyone, and it’s not until after that, when Louis’s in bed playing Halo 3 with Niall who’s in the lounge, that he finally works up the courage. Harry sits in bed beside Louis with his face cream and watches him stalk Niall while he rubs moisturiser on his face and hands. Once he’s finished, he curls into Louis’s side.

“Fuck you Horan, you are teh nooblord,” Louis says as he shoots at someone repeatedly. “Lord of teh noobs!”

Harry assumes it’s Niall, seeing as he can hear Niall yelling, “We’re on the same team, yeh daft cunt!” through Louis’s headset.

Louis laughs gleefully and then exits their campaign and puts the controller down. “I just wanted to kill Niall,” Louis explains. “His stats are getting a bit too good.”

Harry giggles, leaning up a bit and kissing Louis’s chin. “I love you,” he says, genuinely thrilled to have a front seat to Louis’s antics.

Louis grins. “I love you too,” he says.

Harry leans against him and reaches for his hand, lacing their fingers together. He’s got this. He can tell his boyfriend what he’s been struggling with.

“Hey,” Harry says softly. “Can I talk to you about something?”

“Of course, baby,” Louis says. His eyes are already full of understanding and he’s rubbing gentle circles onto Harry’s hand. Harry feels soothed before he even begins to speak.

***

**10 june**

Harry’s become obsessed with their back garden. They’ve got a little deck with some furniture that overlooks their quaint little garden and Louis’s makeshift footie goals. The morning light hits the garden in a really lovely way, and Harry’s started having his morning tea outside. He's gotten a job at a florist, but on his days off, he spends most of his time out there, usually writing songs. The soft yellow light makes him feel creative.

Louis joins him if he’s home; he loves the back garden for other, ‘it’s a nice place to smoke and kick a football’ reasons, but Harry won’t hold that against him. It’s nice to have a space he feels is his, and to share that with Louis.

That feels like it’s becoming more and more common—he’s not sure he has a space he doesn’t share with Louis, if he thinks about it. Except for work, he supposes. Harry doesn’t mind at all, though—this is what he wants. He’s always felt like his life was supposed to be inseparable from Louis’s.

The other nice thing about the garden is that because Harry enjoys being out there, he’s creating a routine of something good in his new life. He misses his mum all the time, but he’s starting to get used to that, too. Every day he feels more settled, more okay, and he knows he’s on his way to being happy here. Living with Louis, living with his best mates, living in Manchester—all of it is incredible, and Harry's starting to feel like the good things are stacking up, and he’s starting to feel more at home. 

And, more than ever before, he feels like Louis is his home.

***

**14 june**

“First things first, we need a band name,” Liam says. They’ve played together a few times, but today is their first scheduled practice. They’ve had to schedule them in twice a week, otherwise they’d never be able to find time.

“Sparkle Motion,” Harry suggests immediately.

“Surely that band already exists,” Zayn says.

Harry sadfaces. He's probably right.

“What about Rogue Tellytubby,” Louis suggests, and Harry bursts into laughter. That’s the name of the dumb band they’d made up once, Harry loves the memory of it.

“You look like a rogue Tellytubby,” Harry says. Louis laughs.

“I think that’s copyrighted,” Liam says.

“And it sucks,” says Zayn.

“Hey,” Harry says.

“What about Craic Romance?” Niall suggests. “Shows people where we came from, yeah, our emo roots, and that we’re here for a good time.”

“Jesus, no,” Zayn says.

“I have to agree,” Louis says. “Save that for your solo project, mate.”

“You’ve got no hope, you lot,” says Liam, sighing. “We’ll never come up with a name.”

It sparks an idea for Harry. “What about… No Direction?” he suggests. “Like, it’s kinda punk, isn’t it? And kinda emo? And it’s us, because we’re all over the place. We don’t fall into any genre, so we’ve got no direction that way, and also in life, because the reason we’re starting a band–”

“Is because we’ve got no other direction,” Louis finishes with a smirk. “You know, Harold, I like that.”

“Me too,” says Zayn, looking mildly surprised. Which is too surprised, really, because Harry has good ideas all the time.

“Same,” says Liam. “Niall?”

“Hey, I’m Niall from No Direction,” Niall says, looking thoughtful. “Yeah, it's good. I like it.”

They practice the handful of covers they've been learning, and attempt to play a song Louis's written called Alive. Liam comes up with amazing drum parts that make Harry feel like the song actually is alive, it's awesome. It's a good practice, and that night, they finally make their band a Myspace page.

***

**27 june**

They’ve all gotten into a routine, now; Liam put a calendar on the fridge and insisted they all write down their schedules, so now they know where each other is most days. Which is helpful, because it’s hard to keep track otherwise, so Harry’s grateful to Liam for it.

They’re all so busy now, the only times they see each other all at once is band practice and the occasional morning when they’re all up at the same time. All of them have managed to score at least one paying job, even with the economy as bad as it is. Harry had applied for bakeries when they'd first moved, because that's what he knew, but the florist hired him first, which he doesn't mind. He likes working with flowers. And he's got an internship with a radio station, and Louis's interning at a tiny record label and working at the record shop. At least their schedules match up, so Harry gets to spend most of his free time with Louis.

Today is one of those amazing mornings when they're all in the kitchen at the same time. Harry’s been up for a little while, he’s showered and made himself and Louis breakfast and he’s off to work soon. Louis’s also showered, also off to work soon, eating his eggs one-handed as he’s got the other arm around Harry. Niall’s eating cereal, half-awake, and Zayn’s almost asleep on top of his coffee cup. Liam’s reheating last night’s dinner because he’s come from a night shift.

It’s nice, having everyone together. Harry thinks these mornings are his favourites.

“I had a dream last night,” Louis says as Liam sits down beside Zayn. Zayn jolts awake and blinks at Louis, then at Liam. “Me and Harry owned a flower shop, and Liam and Zayn kept riding past our shop on a tandem bike.”

Harry laughs, Zayn chuckles blearily, and Liam chokes on his rice. Zayn pats his back, and Harry thinks that it makes total sense Louis’s brain would choose Liam and Zayn to ride a bicycle built for two. He’s secretly waiting for them to get together, even though Liam's still casually seeing a girl from his uni, and Zayn claims he's over it.

“And where the fuck was I?” Niall asks, glaring over his crunchy nut cornflakes.

Louis shrugs. “You weren’t there.”

“Fucking rude,” Niall exclaims. “See if I ever dream about you again.”

“You won’t be able to help it, he’s very dreamy,” Harry says with a smile, and literally all four of them groan, almost in perfect unison. Harry sadfaces dramatically until they laugh at him instead.

***

**3 july**

It’s not exactly weird living with people he met on a forum, obviously, because it’s Niall and Zayn, but there’s something funny about it. When Harry’s in his room and he’s on the forum and there’s Zayn or Niall and Harry knows they’re in the house, but he’s replying to their comments instead of talking to them, it’s funny.

It reminds him of when he and Gemma first got Myspace and would comment each other from a room away. Or on the computers at school, when he and Louis would be sat together, find proxies to get past the school’s blockers and onto Myspace, and then only comment each other.

It’s funny, but it’s not weird, it’s not bothering him. What is bothering him is that he’s feeling weirder and weirder about living with Louis _and_ with two people who have access to his private thoughts. It feels wrong, because Louis’s his boyfriend and every day Harry’s falling even more in love with him, and it’s been niggling at Harry that Louis is left out.

It’s not like he thinks Zayn and Niall know him better than Louis does, not exactly. It’s just bothering him that there’s a part of him Louis doesn’t have access to. It’s never been brought up, Louis doesn’t seem bothered, but it’s just fundamentally weird to Harry.

He has nothing to hide now, that’s the thing. There isn’t anything in his blogs that he wants to keep secret, not anymore. He’s fine with Louis seeing the solid two years of pining, since he knows now that Louis was feeling the same way. He's even okay with Louis seeing his complete devastation from last June, he _knows_ that Louis only started dating Hannah again because he'd thought Harry was rejecting him and he was upset. And Harry doesn’t doubt that Louis knows how he feels about him now, but it might be nice for him to see the proof. Harry knows they’re both still in a bit of disbelief about the depth of their mutual pining.

If Louis had kept blogs like that, Harry would be interested in reading them. And Louis’s always been great at giving Harry space with the forum, but Harry knows he’s curious.

He spends a full morning at the radio station organising CDs and thinking about it, and just before lunch he makes a decision. Before he leaves, he writes down the forum URL, his username and password on a sticky note. Then he tells his supervisor Nick he’s going to lunch.

Louis’s at his internship at LAB Records today, which is just down the road. Harry loves days like this, when their schedules match up perfectly. There’s a convenient Subway roughly halfway between them, and Harry and Louis aren’t sick of it yet, so he pops in and gets Louis a cheesy meatball sub and a salad sub for himself. He’s still going strong with the vegetarian thing, so he appreciates that at least at Subway both he and Louis can get something they like.

It’s something they do whenever their schedules match up, though, having lunch. It’s not really out of the ordinary, and Harry’s trying to make a romantic gesture here, so he takes a quick detour to a shitty florist where he buys a very overpriced bouquet of sunflowers. He’s cross he’s not working at his florist’s today, it would’ve made things much easier. But Harry’s decided to do this _today_ , and he could’ve gone with something cheaper, but the sunflowers were calling to him.

Louis’s label’s quite small, it was only formed last year, so Louis’s office only consists of himself, the founders Mark and Nathan, and another intern named Ed. Ed and Louis share reception, so sometimes he’s there whenever Harry comes to collect Louis and they’ll have a chat. He’s a nice, friendly lad, and he and Louis get on well. Harry likes him.

LAB Records is more like a tiny house that someone’s shaped into an office, and when Harry opens the front door, there’s Louis sat at the little reception desk. He looks up from his computer and suddenly he’s radiating with happiness, which makes Harry want to explode. Then Louis spots the flowers and he looks pleasantly surprised.

He gets up from his desk and Harry steps closer to meet him. “What’s this?” Louis asks with a smile. “And you brought lunch! I’d give you a hug, but I don’t want to crush these.”

Harry smiles, grateful for that impulse control, and holds out the flowers. “They’re for you.”

Jesus. Sometimes Louis looks at Harry with such love and fondness written across his face that it’s overwhelming. This is that, but his eyes are full of wonder too, and Harry can literally see him thinking that he still can’t believe this is real.

All the more reason to give him the password, really.

Louis’s thanking him for the flowers and turning to place them on his desk. When he looks back at Harry, he’s frowning a bit. “I should get them some water,” he says, clearly about to head off to the kitchen.

“Just a sec,” Harry says before he leaves. He needs to do this now, he’s not going to stop thinking about it otherwise.

Louis makes an aborted movement and stops, looking at Harry quizzically. He looks curious and a bit confused and still happy and lovely, and Harry loves how he feels like Louis’s even more of an open book now. Maybe Harry can just read him better.

“I, um, I wanted to give you this,” Harry says, peeling the sticky note out of his jeans pocket. He holds it out and Louis takes it, looking adorably confused. He looks at the note and Harry starts rambling: “It’s my password for the forum, I want you to be able to look at it if you want. I just started to feel weird keeping it from you, because I don’t have any secrets from you, even if a lot of the stuff I’ve said there is embarrassing—”

Louis cuts him off by launching himself at him, grabbing Harry’s face and kissing him hard. Harry makes a startled noise but kisses him back, obviously. He wraps his arms around Louis and pulls him close, finally getting that hug Louis mentioned.

It’s maybe a tad inappropriate for the workplace, but Mark, Nathan, and Ed are all holed up in the bedrooms-turned-offices. And they wouldn’t care anyway.

Louis pulls away after a few moments—or a century, who can tell, not Harry—and he puts his hands on Harry’s cheeks and stares into his eyes. It’s intense and charged, but Louis looks like he’s sparkling, he looks so happy. “You don’t have to do this, Haz,” he says. “You can have a space for yourself, it’s okay.”

Harry shakes his head, as best he can while Louis’s holding onto him. “No,” he says. “I don’t want it. Especially when it’s shared with Zayn and Niall and not you. I want to include you.”

Louis makes a face somewhere between a frown and a pout, like he’s just seen an adorable baby or something. Harry’s pretty thrilled to realise he can turn Louis into a puddle of goo as well.

“Thank you,” Louis says, heartfelt. “I might have to build meself up to it, I dunno, it still feels like an invasion of your privacy—”

“It isn’t,” Harry insists.

Louis smiles fondly. “Okay, love,” he says. “I still really fucking appreciate this, Haz. It feels special, yeah? Important.”

Harry smiles back, happy he feels that way. “‘Cause I’m inviting you inside my brain,” Harry says. “My college brain. Full of pining after you.”

Louis huffs a laugh. “C’mere,” he says, kissing Harry again.

They only break apart when they hear actual wolf-whistling. Ed’s leaning against the doorway, grinning at them, and he claps. “Get in!”

“Fuck off,” Louis says.

“Hi Ed,” Harry says.

“Hi Harry,” Ed says. “Just pop in for a cheeky snog, or is it lunch time?”

“It’s romantic gesture time,” Louis says, picking his flowers up off the desk. “You jelly?”

Ed frowns. “A bit, yeah,” he says. “Get me flowers too next time?”

“Maybe,” Harry says. “If you’re lucky.” He totally will bring Ed flowers after his next florist shift.

“No, none for Ed,” Louis says. “Just me. I’m going to get water for these.”

“Only you,” Harry agrees with him belatedly as he leaves for the kitchen, and Ed’s shaking his head.

“I thought we were friends, Harry,” Ed says. “I bet you didn’t bring me lunch either!” He’s clearly spotted the Subway bag.

Crap, Louis’s sub is going cold.

“I’m sorry!” Harry says. He does feel bad. “I’ll bring you one next time?”

Ed grins. “I’ve got a pasta, mate, I’m just having you on.”

“Leave him _alone_ ,” Louis says, coming back into the room carrying a jam jar full of water. Harry supposes that works for a vase, though he doesn’t know why there are empty jam jars hanging about the label’s kitchen. “Harry doesn’t deserve your disrespect.”

“Now who’s jealous?” Ed teases with a grin. Louis looks like he wants to throw the jam jar at him, or at least tip the water over his head.

“Hey Lou,” Harry says. “Your Subway’s getting cold.”

“My Subway!” Louis says, putting the jar on the reception desk and plopping the flowers in. “What did you get me?”

“Gross meat shit,” Harry says. Louis laughs.

“Perfect,” he says.

Ed does this long, loud groan. “Get out and have your lunch, you’re making me feel extremely single.”

Harry apologises not entirely sincerely, while Louis sticks his tongue out at Ed, and then they scamper off to the kitchen and sit down at the tiny dining table.

“Thanks for this,” Louis says as he unwraps his thankfully still warm sub. “All of it. You really didn’t have to.”

“Yes I did,” Harry says. “It was really bothering me. I just don’t want to keep anything from you anymore.”

Louis stares at him for a few seconds. “You know, it’s stupid, and I don’t know why, but that makes me feel loved.”

“Well, fucking good,” Harry says, caught a bit off-guard. He hadn’t expected Louis to say that, but that’s how Harry wants him to feel. “You should.”

*

**9 july**

A week later, and Louis hasn’t mentioned the forum. Harry’s been waiting for him to bring it up, but now he’s not even sure if Louis’s had a single look at it. Harry tells himself that’s fine, it’s probably a bit weird for him. It can’t be that Louis doesn’t care, he’d seemed so happy when Harry gave him the password.

They’re in their room that night after dinner, and Harry decides to bring it up. Actually talking about the things he's overthinking! This is a bold step forward.

“Have you looked at anything on the forum yet?” Harry asks, trying to sound casual. “You haven’t said.”

“Oh,” Louis says. “Um, I haven’t. It just—I mean, I tried, but it feels like I shouldn’t. Like I’m doing something wrong.”

Harry giggles, he can’t help it. Louis’s just such a sweetheart. “But I want you to.”

Louis smiles at him. “I want to as well. I just feel weird.”

“I thought you might,” Harry says. “You shouldn’t. Alright. How about I put on a film or something—no, wait! I’ll play Guitar Hero, and you can sit with me and try to read some of my blogs?” He reaches for his laptop.

“Alright, we can try,” Louis says, picking up their guitar controller on his way to the bed.

Harry swaps him, taking the guitar and giving Louis his laptop. “The forum’s probably open,” he says. Louis takes it and sits down, and Harry boots up the game.

While it’s loading, he shows Louis how to find his blogs on the forum, and goes back to his blogs from 2006. His horrendous typing aside, they might be less embarrassing than last year’s.

Louis starts reading and Harry starts the game. Guitar Hero 2 has Dead! by My Chem, and Harry’s played it so many times he’s doing perfectly in Expert mode, so he should probably pick a different song, but he starts with it anyway. It’s a short song, so he doesn’t expect Louis to have read much by the time the song's over, but he asks how he’s going anyway.

“Good,” Louis says, smiling at him. “You’re talking about that day we marathoned all of Jared Leto’s films. You’re very cute.”

Harry makes a face at him, because he’s sure he’s more embarrassing than cute, but that’s fine. He doesn’t feel embarrassed, anyway; Louis clearly loves sixteen year old Harry. It’s fine.

Harry picks Beast And The Harlot by Avenged Sevenfold, he enjoys this band. He’s often amused by their songs. He plays it on Medium, his average skill level for non-MCR songs, and giggles to himself at the song’s lyrics.

Maybe he should be trying to play these songs on his actual guitar instead, they could add to their collection of cover videos. Somehow he thinks it’d be harder to cover songs he’s used to playing with a Guitar Hero controller. Oh well. What’s the point of having an Xbox if not to simulate his own real life hobbies?

“Aw, Harry,” Louis says when the song’s over. “This is adorable. You really did fancy me for ages.”

“I told you,” Harry says. “How embarrassing is it?”

“It’s not!” Louis protests. “It’s really just... endearing, you’re so cute. And it’s so cool, really, to have this massive record of the last couple years. It’s amazing.”

Harry supposes he’s right. That is pretty cool.

“I didn’t realise you talked about me quite this much, though,” Louis says.

“Well, I’ve been obsessed with you for a while,” Harry says with a smile.

Louis laughs. “Same,” he says. “Y’know, you were right. It’s good to see that for myself. Feels kinda… what’s the word? It’s a Dashboard Confessional song.”

Harry laughs, getting it instantly. “Vindicated?”

“Yeah, I think that’s what I mean,” Louis says. “Maybe validated. Whichever V word.”

“Well, good.” Harry smiles. “I’m glad.”

“I wanna read a blog from last year,” Louis says, his smile turning devious, and Harry groans.

“Of course you do,” he says, but he puts down the guitar and goes over to help Louis find a blog. “From August?”

“Yeah, I wanna see the friends with benefits thing from your side,” Louis says with a cheeky smile.

Harry groans again. Though at least that’s less embarrassing than his sad and whiny blogs from June.

“It’s not embarrassing,” Louis insists. “I was surely feeling something similar, and you’ve got me now anyway. You could never be embarrassing enough to put me off.”

“Okay,” Harry says with a sigh, clicking onto the blog that starts with their Reading weekend and reminding himself that he wants to get over being embarrassed by his feelings. “I just want you to keep in mind that I was stupid about the whole thing. I kept trying to justify why I was fine with it, and I was overthinking everything. I was a mess.”

“I was a mess too,” Louis says softly. “It’s okay, baby. I get it.”

Harry relaxes a bit, smiling at him. “Just, I’m sure I’ll say something about not wanting to be in a real relationship anyway, and maybe sometimes that was true, but I also always wanted to be your boyfriend.”

“I know, you were confused,” Louis says. “I don’t expect you to make much sense, my thought processes didn’t make sense then either. We were just desperately trying not to get hurt.”

“And also desperate to be together,” Harry says, rolling his eyes. “We were just desperate. Full stop.”

Louis laughs. “Exactly. You’re right. So it’s fine.” He kisses Harry quickly. “Go back to your game. Play some Nirvana.”

“Ooh, yes,” Harry says, hopping up. Louis settles back into the pillows and Harry chooses Heart-Shaped Box. He sings along with the song as he plays, and he realises he feels good now. He feels like he’s finally let Louis fully into his heart and mind. Where he belongs.

*** 

**8 august**

They’re getting by with their part-time jobs. Harry loves working at the florist's. His boss lets him keep any flowers that get slightly crushed, and he’s taken to wearing them in his hair. The internship’s good too, at Manchester's leading station for smooth jazz and blues, which. Isn't exactly the genre Harry's interested in, but he's learning a lot. Although his boss there’s a bit different. His florist boss, Penny, is a middle-aged lesbian who’s married with two kids and treats him like her son. His internship supervisor, Nick, is—well, he’s closer to Penny’s age than Harry’s, and he’s gay and single, and he’s very, very flirty.

It’s not exactly inappropriate, and Harry doesn’t really mind—it’s mostly friendly banter, like. Harry sometimes enjoys some harmless, fun flirting, and it’s only a bit weird because it’s his boss. But then, Harry thinks, he has friends who are very flirty, and maybe this is how Nick makes friends.

Louis hates it. Harry had quickly figured that out, between his moodiness and his discrete but mean jabs at Nick. Harry doesn’t really blame him, he’s quite sure he’d feel the same, and so he's started trying to ignore Nick, especially when Louis’s around.

Like tonight. They’re having a pint at the pub Friday night, almost the whole team from the radio, and Louis’s record shop is just ‘round the corner, so he’s showed up with his coworker Steve. Harry had bolted for him the second he saw him, crashing into him and _clinging_. He was already quite tipsy and it just made him so happy to see Louis.

Nick had teased them when they’d gotten back to the table, said something about how this wasn’t The Notebook, and Louis had scowled and so did Harry. Harry had said “yes it is,” and kissed Louis, and that shut Nick up for a bit.

Because the thing about Nick is that he spent several weeks refusing to believe Harry had a boyfriend. He’d even met Louis, and seen them together, and would still refer to Louis as Harry's ‘friend’. Harry really didn’t care for that, so he’d been quite obnoxious about it, mentioning Louis whenever he could and getting Louis to show up to work pub outings.

Harry doesn’t know what Nick thinks of his relationship now, but it does still irritate him. Louis is such an integral part of Harry’s life, he’s Harry’s person, he’s _it_. He has been for such a long time, before they were even together. Harry thinks it should be obvious, seeing them together, that their dynamic is quite obviously that of a couple. It bothers him that people who don’t really even know them can’t see it, and then he thinks it’s silly that it bothers him, because those people _don’t know them_. It shouldn’t matter.

And then Nick goes and says it's only a matter of time before Louis drops Harry for a wife, and Harry realises why it matters.

Everyone else laughs, but Louis’s face has paled, and it seems like he’s shocked silent. It’s rare for him, and Harry wonders if it’s because he doesn’t want to yell at Harry’s boss. Harry’s mind is whirling, because Nick _is_ his boss, and he doesn’t really want to lose his internship or even make things awkward there, but—this is _Louis_. This is the most important thing in the world.

“You can’t say that,” Harry says to Nick, his voice surprisingly calm, steady. “I don’t care what you think, Louis is the love of my life. He’s the only thing that matters. I won’t keep working for you if you’re going to disrespect him.”

Harry’s pretty sure the whole table is staring at him. He’s kind of glad that they all seem shocked silent, now. Now maybe they’ll understand.

Harry feels Louis’s fingers creep around his own and squeeze, and Nick looks like he’s processing, so Harry chances a glance at Louis. Fuck, Louis’s whole heart is in his eyes. Harry doesn’t care if Nick fires him on the spot, he just wants to take his boyfriend home.

“That’s fair,” Nick says finally, and Harry’s attention snaps back to him. (His heart doesn’t. His heart is still very much focused on Louis, wrapped around his fingers and squeezing.) “You know, Harold, you’re right. I apologise. I thought this was a little…” he waves a hand. “Fling. I didn’t imagine it was serious.”

Harry feels Louis bristle again, and he says, “Well, I’ve loved Louis exclusively since I was fifteen, and I’m sure I’ll never want anyone else, and if all goes to plan I’ll marry him. So yeah, it’s quite serious.”

Nick looks surprised and amused and understanding all at once, which is probably the best Harry’s going to get out of him. “Well then, I think that calls for a round on me, for the happy couple, what d’ya say?”

He sounds like he’s making fun, but the table cheers, and Nick’s off to get the round. Harry finally looks at Louis, at his wide eyes.

“Um,” Harry says to him quietly, feeling lost. Louis’s hands settle on his hips, grounding him. “Should I have done that?”

“I don’t know,” says Louis, shaking his head and smiling. In disbelief. “It was ballsy, I tell you what. Not often my baby tells someone off.”

Harry laughs, wrapping his arms around Louis’s waist. “I usually don’t have to, you do it for me,” he says as he realises it. Louis is so protective and brave, he’s like a goddamn lion, and he’s always jumping to Harry’s defence. Harry’s always loved that, but it actually feels really nice to be able to return the favour. “I just couldn’t handle it anymore. I hate the idea of anyone misunderstanding how important this is.”

“How long do we have to stay here?” Louis asks, his eyes intense. Harry squirms. “I wanna get you home.”

Harry whimpers and then kisses him, softer than he would like because they _are_ surrounded by his coworkers. Louis pulls away first and pats Harry’s cheek, a fond smile on his face that says ‘I love you’ and ‘later’.

Before Nick gets back, one of the other radio hosts taps Harry’s shoulder and tells him she thinks he did the right thing, standing up to him. She says she thought he went too far, and that Harry and Louis are very cute together.

They are, so Harry agrees. But it’s very nice, it makes him feel like he has support.

Nick comes back with the round and Harry and Louis drink theirs a bit faster than normal, eager to make excuses and get home. Around about the time they finish their drinks, though, Umbrella comes on over the shitty pub speakers and Nick decrees that everyone must dance. The whole group abandons their table for the small dance floor in the corner.

Harry loves this song, actually—it makes him think of the time last year, when Gerard sang it at a concert and Harry listened to the minute-long audio clip religiously. He fell in love with the song, that he then instantly related to Louis, because he was in love with Louis.

Now, he’s _with_ Louis, he’s been drinking, he’s incapable of not pressing his full body against Louis and grinding in the name of dance, while attempting to serenade him at the same time. Louis’s laughing but he’s grinding back, so it’s all good. Harry likes it when Louis’s laughing.

Harry slows down a bit to hold Louis and sing, heartfelt, “ _When the sun shines we shine together, told you I’ll be here forever,”_ and Louis holds him tight and sighs. Harry can feel him sigh.

“I love you, my beautiful boy,” Louis says, and his eyes are shining, and Harry’s sure his own are too—they shine together. Harry's gonna cry.

“I love you too,” he says, and then wipes his face, and then grins at Louis. “Would it be weird if Umbrella were our song?”

Louis laughs. “No, it wouldn’t be weird,” he says. “But it can’t be, because No Seatbelt Song is our song. Or Soco Amaretto Lime.”

Harry knows those songs, they’re Brand New songs, but he can’t remember the lyrics right now. “No it isn’t, we have to decide together.”

“Fine, then, it’s Demolition Lovers.”

That’s MCR’s Bonnie and Clyde song. Harry bursts out laughing. “No, Blood.”

Louis giggles. “No, Jetset Life,” he says. “ _For the last night I lie, could I lie next to youuuu?_ ”

Rihanna’s finished and there’s some other pop song blaring, Harry doesn’t know it, but it almost drowned out Louis’s beautiful singing, and Harry suddenly desperately wishes they were at home so he could appreciate Louis without any interruptions.

“Babe, can we go home?” Harry asks. “Want it to be just us.”

Louis’s face melts, which Harry’s seen happen at least twenty thousand times but never fails to melt his own heart. “Of course, sweetheart,” he says. “I don’t even know where Steve’s gone, do you wanna say goodbye to Nick and Sara and the rest?”

Harry would really rather just teleport home, but he supposes he should be polite. “Do you see them?”

Louis peers around for him, as his coworkers seem to have vanished, and then nods. “Yes, c’mon,” he says, leading Harry across the pub.

“Thought we’d come and say our goodbyes, Hazza’s a bit tired,” Louis says, and Harry leans against him.

“Aww,” Nick says, definitely making fun. “Is it past his bedtime?”

“Just about,” Louis says patiently. Harry admires him.

“Make sure he drinks lots of water,” Sara says. She seems concerned, bless her.

“I will, I’m used to taking care of him,” Louis says.

“He is,” Harry says, realising he hasn’t spoken yet and feeling like they should know just how well Louis takes care of him. “He’s the best.”

Then Harry looks at Louis and gets a bit stuck on his eyelashes and his deep blue eyes and the scruff he’s just started to sport. Scruff that feels very nice against Harry’s thighs. He’d really like to go home now.

“Alright then, goodbye lovebirds,” Nick says impatiently. Harry tears his focus away from Louis in time to see Nick roll his eyes. “Harold, see you bright and early Monday.”

“See you,” Harry says with a smile. “Thanks for not firing me.”

Nick bursts out laughing. “Never,” he says. “You’re stuck with us now.”

Louis gets them a taxi, saying that he doesn’t trust Harry to walk without tripping over his own feet, and in the taxi he grumbles about Nick calling Harry Harold, because apparently he owns that nickname.

Harry kisses the pout off his lips and says, “He can call me what he likes, you’re the only one who’s taking me home.”

Louis smiles into the kiss and pulls him closer. Harry’s grateful it’s only a short trip.

“Oh,” he says, pulling away from the kiss as he suddenly remembers. “Smother Me.”

Louis stiffens, and he looks at their taxi driver, suspiciously furtively. “What?” he hisses.

“The song, by The Used,” Harry clarifies. “That’s our song.”

Louis bursts into giggles and presses his hand to his mouth like he’s trying to hold them in. “Fuck,” he says, then he whispers in Harry’s ear, “I thought you were literally telling me to smother you.”

Harry giggles too. He’d gathered that. “Not here,” he says with a smile. “Maybe at home.”

Louis makes a noise somewhere between a laugh and a groan.

“So, our song,” Harry says, poking Louis’s thigh. “Whaddaya think?”

“Yeah, that works,” Louis says, settling back against Harry. “Still think No Seatbelt Song’s up there, though.”

***

**14 august**

The Academy Is…’s new album Fast Times At Barrington High has leaked, and Harry has very low expectations, mostly because a lot of the TAI fans on his flist aren’t that keen on what they’ve heard so far, and FBR_Trash have been rubbishing every new song.

Like, that’s what FBRT does, it’s even in the name, but Harry knows who the TAI fans are and he knows they seem underwhelmed.

So he has low expectations, and he ends up pleasantly surprised. Their overall sound has slowed down, he thinks, more chilled out. It sounds a lot like the kind of stuff he’s been listening to lately - some of it is pretty similar, musically, to what he’d like to make himself, so he likes that. The disappointment, he thinks, for him, comes from the lyrics. Harry used to love TAI lyrics, the way William could turn a phrase. The lyrics seem more basic now, less wordy, and Harry’s such a lyrics person, it almost bores him.

Luckily he thinks the songs are good enough that the album will grow on him.

And then he gets to After The Last Midtown Show. And holy fucking shit.

Harry knew Gabe was going to be on this album, and he was so excited for it, but the cameo had been a bit of a letdown, just a bit of shouting at the start of Crowded Room. Harry had been longing for another Gabe/William duet. This song, though… this almost makes up for it.

Harry quickly Googles the lyrics and then follows along with the song in a daze. When it finishes he starts it again.

He can’t believe it. He just can’t. Midtown was Gabe’s previous band, of course, and Gabe and William have such a cute, flirty dynamic, Harry’s shipped them for a while. They’re basically a given as a side pairing in any random FBR fic, unless Bill’s paired with Travis.

Harry just loves the idea of them a lot, and he’s thought for a while they’re one of the popular bandom pairings that actually seems a bit legit. Like, Pete/Mikey, Gerard/Bert, Ryan/Brendon, Gabe/William. They’re the top four pairings Harry would probably bet money on having had a little thing, or at least some sort of feelings. And Harry’s a total sucker for that.

More importantly than the possibility of William and Gabe actually being a real thing, the song just reads to Harry as queer. He’s not sure why, maybe because it sounds so much like his own experience. Like, it actually makes him cry as he keeps listening to it, because he can see Louis in so many of the lyrics.

God, he can’t believe he’d just been trashing their new lyrics.

The tone of the song is nice, in a way, comforting and lovely, like you can tell he’s talking about a time that was special to him. But it’s also full of longing and Harry gets this sense from it, like being on the edge of something great but being too unsure, letting it slip through your fingers.

It’s where he was with Louis, on the edge, and he could’ve lost it. This song reminds him of his angst from a year ago and makes him wholly appreciate what he has now.

 _We were part of something ours, and ours alone_  
_Anywhere was home_ _  
We’re almost here again_

The reference to Almost Here at the end! Harry knows that’s Gabe’s favourite TAI album. God, Harry never wants to hear Bill Beckett talk about what this song means, he wants to live in his headcanon forever.

He goes to his iTunes and puts it on Repeat 1. This is his new favourite song.

It reminds him of when Viva La Cobra came out and Harry heard The World Has Its Shine, smack-bang in the middle of his friends-with-benefits phase with Louis. It had hurt, then, because he’d related too hard and he was pining too much. Once he and Louis had actually gotten together, though, it hit him in the chest in a different way. He’s marvelling at the fact that both Gabe and William have been able to capture his feelings and fears about their situation.

He takes his laptop into the kitchen so he can keep listening as he makes dinner. He’s so excited for Louis to come home and listen, even though he’s not a huge TAI fan. And he’s excited to talk about it with Zayn, because Zayn loves William and Gabe and he agrees with Harry’s theories. Also Niall, Harry wants to know Zayn and Niall’s thoughts on the whole album.

It’s so fucking cool that he lives with them now. Like yes, he’s antsy waiting for them all to get home, but he’ll get to share his feelings with the people he loves very soon. He’s so grateful for his living situation, and it’s nice to realise that every day he feels happier here.

***

**22 august**

Harry and Louis go to Leeds, just the two of them. It’s more work, having to drive there and put up a tent by themselves, but the other boys weren’t really keen and Harry’s been itching for some alone time with Louis.

Like, they’re alone all the time, but they’re never really _alone_. He’s looking forward to having Louis all to himself. Well, he’ll be sharing Louis’s attention with some of his favourite bands, but that’s okay.

They stay at the main stage all day Friday, so they see: Bring Me The Horizon, and Harry’s not sure if he likes them or if he just likes to laugh at them; Mindless Self Indulgence, which includes Gerard’s wife—she bends over backwards while she plays and Harry’s impressed; Alexisonfire, who Louis loves, who are fucking incredible live even if Harry rarely knows what they’re saying; Plain White Ts, and Harry and Louis sing along to Hey There Delilah and grin with amusement; Dropkick Murphys, who are fun, who ratchet up the energy of the crowd, which pushes Harry and Louis onto barrier; Avenged Sevenfold, who Harry was really looking forward to, play a shortened set due to illness, but he still loves seeing what he can; Feeder, who are good but Harry doesn’t know very well; Tenacious D, who are hilarious and it’s sort of mind-boggling to see Jack Black in the flesh; and Metallica, which feels like being a part of history, in a way. It’s just so cool to be able to still see bands like that.

They go back to their tent, too tired to stay upright, too buzzed to go to sleep. They end up making out and sharing handjobs and it reminds Harry so much of last year that it makes him laugh. 

*

**23 august**

They start at the main stage again to see Anti-Flag, Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly, and Taking Back Sunday, all three of which Harry and Louis love. TBS are by far Harry’s favourite though, and probably Louis’s as well, although they both wish they could’ve seen TBS when John Nolan was in the band. Ah well, Harry likes Fred too. And he could watch Adam Lazzara swing a mic around for hours.

TBS play My Blue Heaven, and Louis squeezes Harry's hand throughout. He lets out a sob about halfway through the song, and Harry lets go of his hand to wrap his arm around him and squish him into his side. “I'm just so glad it worked out,” Louis says, and Harry hugs him for the rest of the set.

Then they go over to the Festival Republic stage, because Harry wants to see Florence + The Machine. She’s amazing, as he expected, and he thinks Louis’s a fan now too.

They wander around for a while, get food, have a drink or two, then they go to the Radio 1 Lock-up stage to watch some punk bands Harry doesn’t know. Louis enjoys it and Harry enjoys watching him enjoy it. Then Anti-Flag come on again, which is great. They're so passionately political, Harry loves them. It’s so cool to have a second set of theirs, too—Harry thinks all festivals should have encore sets.

Then it’s either stay for Pennywise and Less Than Jake, or trek back to the main stage and get swamped in the crowd for Queens of the Stone Age and Rage Against The Machine. Harry would rather see the latter bands, but he likes the position they’re in here, so he lets Louis decide. Louis decides to stay, saying that the main stage is probably a nightmare.

They end up leaving after Pennywise anyway, because it’s getting late and they want to have a few drinks before they pass out again. So they go back to the campsite, and Louis lights their little fire while Harry gets their duvets out of the tent.

Harry leans against Louis and looks at the stars, listening to the sounds of people at their campsite and faint music. He and Louis share a bottle of coke spiked with rum, and Harry’s warm from that and from the fire and from Louis.

Louis says, “It’s funny, I thought I’d want to do what we did last year. Passing drinks ‘round the fire at 3am with people we just met.”

“Mm, yeah,” Harry says. He’d thought he’d want to do that too. “Doesn’t seem as fun now, though.”

“That’s what I was thinking,” Louis says. “I’d rather just sit with you. Cuddle and talk about Taking Back Sunday.”

“That sounds nice,” Harry says. “Let’s do that.”

 *

**24 august**

They start Sunday at the Lock-up stage for The Gaslight Anthem, who Harry’s very excited for. They play all of Harry's favourites, including the new ones they’ve been playing a lot of this year. That’s actually how he got into them; someone on his flist was talking about Great Expectations and linked a live version. It’s really cool to see them do it in person.

They stay at the Lock-up stage for six more bands, all punk bands, none of which Harry knows. Louis does though, and he really loves some of them, and there aren’t any bands playing that are good enough to leave him.

Then, finally, after _six bands_ , Alkaline Trio come on. Louis’s loved Alkaline Trio harder and for longer than Harry has, definitely. Harry got into them because of Louis. Harry really likes them, though, he enjoys the story-telling in their song-writing, he likes that they have two vocalists (… that’s a bit of a running theme this weekend), and he finds Matt Skiba really endearing.

Skiba’s also friends with Frank and Gerard and the rest of My Chem, he even played at Frank’s wedding, which is probably part of why Harry likes him so much.

Seeing him in person, Harry’s basically in awe. He looks at Louis and sees the same incredulous happiness shining from his face, and he knows he’ll never get sick of this, of feeling the way he does when he sees bands live, of looking over and seeing Louis feel the same.

They run to the main stage after Alkaline Trio to catch The Killers, and get to the back of the crowd just as they’re starting. They skirt around the crowd, inching closer during the song, which Harry doesn’t really know, until they’re about halfway through the crowd. Then the band starts playing Somebody Told Me, so they stop moving and yell along.

There’s another song they don’t know after that, so they keep trying to move forward. Bones starts, and Harry thinks they’re about as close as they’re going to get if they still want to be able to breathe. He can see the stage well enough, has a decent view of Brandon Flowers, but it’s The Killers—Harry cares more about listening to them and singing with Louis than actually watching them.

Harry loses his mind during Smile Like You Mean It, flashing back to when he used to listen to The OC soundtracks. That’s when he got into The Killers, into this song, when he was fourteen. It feels like so long ago. When You Were Young knocks into him as well, and he grabs Louis’s hand—they loved Hot Fuss, and then they loved this song when it came out, used to listen to it obsessively.

They do an amazing piano version of Sam’s Town, and then it’s Read My Mind, and Harry literally cries, he can’t help it. Then Spaceman and then Mr Brightside, and Harry’s screaming along with Louis, with tears on his face. He didn’t expect to be affected this greatly by The Killers, but then he thinks they exist in a space in his heart with a lot of bands from a few years ago—Maroon5, Coldplay, Matchbox Twenty, Lifehouse—he used to love them so much, so even though he doesn’t really listen to them now, seeing them live is like an emotional kick to the guts.

He wonders if this is how he’ll feel about My Chem and Panic in a year or so. His MCR obsession has already started to die down—it's been fading since March, really, when Frank got married and Pretty.Odd. came out. Harry's more into Panic and other FBR bands these days, and it makes him a bit sad, really, the idea that My Chem might not be his actual favourite band some day. At least The Killers have made him realise that that love never really dies.

Louis wipes Harry’s face during the encore, fixes his smudged eyeliner. (And at least he'll always have Louis.)

Harry smiles at him sheepishly. “I didn’t expect to care this much,” he says.

Louis shakes his head. “No, no, I’m the same, they’re amazing,” he says, and then he kisses the side of Harry’s head, quickly because they’re surrounded by people. “Besides, I love how emotional you get. It’s cute.”

Harry laughs a bit. “Thanks?”

“You’re welcome?” Louis says with a grin, and then The Killers are back.

They do Jenny Was A Friend Of Mine and All These Things That I’ve Done, both off Hot Fuss, so Harry’s deeply moved again. He and Louis scream “ _I’VE GOT SOUL BUT I’M NOT A SOLDIER_ _”_ until they’re hoarse.

They go to bed early that night, because they’re leaving early in the morning to beat the rush, Harry has an afternoon shift. He falls asleep wrapped up in Louis’s arms and feels perfectly fucking content. 

*

**25 august**

“Fall Out Boy dropped a free mixtape today,” Louis says as soon as Harry comes home from work. He’d thought to roster himself off for Monday as well, clever bugger. “It’s got all the FBR people on it, it looks amazing, I’ve been waiting for you to come home.”

Harry tries not to laugh at how eager he is. It’s just adorable. “Let me get changed first, yeah?”

“ _Fine_ ,” Louis says with a dramatic sigh. “Me and Liam were thinking of getting a curry for tea, d’you want that?”

Harry agrees and goes to shower while Louis rings up their order.

*

Once Harry’s showered and changed and the take away’s arrived, they sit on their bed with their food and Louis’s laptop, listening to the mix tape as they eat.

It’s amazing, and so chaotic, there’s voice overs and snippets of songs and remixes and weird sound effects, Harry loves it. There’s a lot of teases of Fall Out Boy songs, presumably for their next album, since this mix tape is supposed to be promo for it.

Harry’s stand-out favourites, in no particular order, are:

Nearly Witches [demo] by The Paul Revere Jumpsuit Apparatus. It’s really obviously a Panic at the Disco demo, Harry assumes it’s from the scrapped cabin demos, and he’s instantly utterly in love with it. If this is what the cabin demos sounded like, Harry needs more. 

We Believe In (Barack Obama) by The Hush Sound. Harry and Louis are both giggling as soon as it starts. The lyrics are pretty much just, _‘We believe in Barack Obama/he loves you and he loves your mama’_ , which is amazing. Harry loves how vocally supportive FOB And Friends are of Obama, since everyone in his house also supports him. Niall was saying the other day that he wanted to be an American citizen just so he could vote for him.

I Kissed A Boy by Cobra Starship. Which is a parody of I Kissed A Girl (a song Harry absolutely hates), which shouldn’t be a surprise, because Cobra was started by Gabe parodying Hollaback Girl. Harry still never imagined he’d hear Gabe sing a song all about kissing boys.

Although _‘I kissed a boy just to start shit’_ isn’t exactly what Harry would’ve hoped for.

“It somehow makes I Kissed A Girl even straighter,” Louis says in disbelief.

Harry laughs. “I know,” he says. “Much as I hate to admit it, if you ignore parts of it, I Kissed A Girl can be read as at least bicurious. This is literally ‘I’m kissing boys to piss people off and because girls think it’s hot’.”

“And yet somehow it annoys me less,” Louis muses. “Maybe it’s the acknowledgement of the irony. Like, he knows what’s fucked about the original, he’s pointing it out?”

“Yeah,” Harry says. “Plus, like, we already knew this about him. He legit does kiss boys to piss people off and because girls think it’s hot.”

“And because he loves Billy Beckett,” says Louis.

“And that,” says Harry. “I s’pose, just because he mentions girls, it doesn’t have to be straight. It could read as bi too. With an added ‘pissing off the straight people’ vibe. If you squint.”

“Yeah,” Louis says. “I think everyone should be able to agree that Gabe’s pretty sexually fluid.”

“He really doesn’t seem to give a shit, does he,” says Harry. “I love him.”

*

It’s funny because as much as they love these lolzy bands, and as much as they still love their old favourites, they’ve gone in different directions with their other absolute favourites. Louis’s gotten more and more into punk and hardcore, he loves going to gigs and throwing himself around, and he loves the anti-authority, anti-government side of it all. (He also says it makes him feel inspired to be whoever he wants to be with his songwriting/playing, to be confident in what he has to offer, which Harry is infinitely in favour of.)

Harry likes that side too, and he likes the music, and obviously he supports anything that gives Louis confidence, but he’s not really interested in going to the concerts. The older he gets, the less he wants to be bashed up at shows. He’s gotten more into softer indie stuff, like Imogen Heap, Amanda Palmer, The Hush Sound, Empires, and reawakened his love for Bright Eyes, Death Cab for Cutie, and Andrew McMahon in general. Louis likes all of them too, though, so it’s not like their interests clash. They just enjoy them differently.

Louis’s super into Anti-Flag, Bikini Kill, Social Distortion, and The Casualties at the moment, as well as a slew of local hardcore bands, he’s been going to a lot of local shows with Liam or Niall or people he works with. He’s also gotten really into Black Flag and The Bouncing Souls, who are some of Frank Iero’s old favourites, so Harry’s even happier to listen to them with Louis than the other stuff. He likes the harder stuff, though, and he really likes Anti-Flag. He likes that Louis’s punk obsession has shown him this progressive, more passionately political side to music.

Although, with the CFOB mixtape release, it feels like a lot of Harry’s favourite bands are becoming more openly political. He enjoys that a lot, it’s another thing he wants to work on with his own band, so that he can feel like he’s taking a stance himself.

***

**30 august**

“Remember the first time I smoked at that party and you said you’d disown me if I ever smoked again?” Harry asks with a giggle as he accepts a cigarette from Louis.

He’d been sixteen and he just wanted to try it, and Louis was almost anti-smoking at the time. Some time last year, though, he’d done a one-eighty, and he and Harry smoke at parties often and Louis even smokes sober now.

Louis laughs. “And here I am now, with me own fuckin’ packs.”

“You’re a hypocrite,” Harry grins.

Louis grins back and pokes him in the ribs. Harry squirms. “Remember that time I was drunk with Danny and Tom at the park and I rang you up to help me blow smoke rings?”

Harry bursts into laughter. “Oh my god, yes,” he says. “You got me to look it up on WikiHow and try to teach you it over the phone!”

It was a hilarious night, even if Harry was slightly jealous that Louis was hanging out with people who weren’t him. They were on the phone for hours, and Harry ended up being glad he wasn’t there, because blowing smoke rings involves working with your tongue, and this was before their friends with benefits stage. Harry was glad he hadn’t had to witness Louis manoeuvring his tongue in person.

“I failed miserably,” Louis laughs, then he looks thoughtful. “I wanna try again. What’re you supposed to do?”

Harry tries to remember. “Keep some of the smoke in your mouth—no, your throat. I remember that because you had trouble with it.”

“Yeah, cheers,” Louis says with a fond roll of his eyes. “And wasn’t there something about moving your tongue back? That’s why I gave up, I think, I kept choking on the smoke or my tongue and I wasted my smoke.”

“So why exactly do you want to try again?” Harry asks, biting down on his grin.

“Because I wanna be able to do it!” Louis says with a determined little frown. He’s so cute.

“Okay,” Harry says with a giggle. “Well, yeah, I remember saying ‘move it back and point it down’ a lot.” He laughs and Louis does too.

“That’s what she said?” Louis says.

“Exactly,” says Harry. “So I think your tongue is meant to sit on the bottom of your mouth?”

“And then you make your lips into an ‘O’ shape and blow out a little bit of smoke,” Louis says. “Easy. I’ve got this.”

He tries, and splutters on smoke.

“Goddamn it,” Louis says, and tries again.

Harry smokes his own cigarette like a normal person and watches Louis’s dwindle as he either chokes on smoke or his tongue. The few times he doesn’t choke, he just blows out little non-ring puffs of smoke.

“This is fucking ridiculous,” Louis eventually says. “Look, I’ve barely got any of me smoke left and I don’t think I inhaled any of it right.”

“It does seem like a waste,” Harry says. “Maybe it’s one of those things only certain people can do. Like curling your tongue.”

“Maybe,” Louis frowns. “Have you ever tried it? You should try it.”

Harry’s avoided ever trying to blow smoke rings, because it seems hard and he thinks he’s more likely to make a fool of himself than do it right. But it’s not like Louis can do it either, so he decides to try.

The shallow inhale burns his throat and he chokes on it and coughs up smoke. Louis pats his back and Harry takes a sip of his vodka orange juice.

“Ugh,” he says. “Lemme try again.”

He doesn’t choke this time, but he can’t seem to get his tongue in the right position, and when he exhales it’s just a puff of smoke.

“You’re right, it’s fucking ridiculous,” Harry says after he takes another sip of his drink.

“We’re both epic failures,” Louis says sadly.

“We should start our own version of WikiHow,” Harry says. “For failures.”

Louis grins. “We could call it WikiDon’t.”

Harry nods. “I like that. I feel like WikiFail would be the obvious choice, this is less predictable.”

“Exactly,” Louis says. “And it’ll become part of everyday language. Like, when people do fail-worthy things, other people will be like, ‘WikiDon’t!’”

“Of course,” Harry says. “We’ll make a huge impact on the cultural lexicon.”

“I don’t know what that means, but yes we will.”

Harry laughs, breaking their faux-sombre mood. “It’s just what you said.”

“Oh. Well, good then.”

Liam comes bounding outside then, a big silly smile on his face. He looks drunker than Harry feels, which is only fair, seeing as this is his birthday party. “Hi guys!” Liam says happily. “Look at this!” And then he turns around.

Two strips of denim have been ripped off the back of his jeans, from the pocket to mid-thigh on both sides, and his pants, bum, and upper thighs are exposed. Harry doesn’t know what to say, and Louis looks equally stunned.

Liam puts his hands on his hips and says over his shoulder, “I tore my jeans and Niall and Shawn thought they’d look better like this.”

“Liam, it looks like you’re wearing chaps,” Louis says.

“You look like Christina Aguliera in the Dirrrty video,” Harry says.

Liam beams at him. “Thank you, Harry,” he says, sounding pleased. He holds out some fabric. “Do you want my jean scraps?”

“Um, thanks,” Harry says, taking them automatically. He looks at the denim pieces in his hands for a moment, wondering what on earth to do with them, and then shrugs and ties them together. Louis tells Liam he looks like a cowboy stripper while Harry wraps his makeshift headscarf around his head, pushing his curls off his face.

“This would be the perfect entry for WikiDon’t,” Louis says. “What to do when you tear your trousers.”

Harry giggles. “The WikiHow page would tell you how to mend them, but WikiDon’t will tell you to rip them up and turn them into chaps.”

“Perfect,” Louis says. “Thanks, Liam.”

“I dunno what you’re talking about, but you’re welcome,” Liam says with a big grin. “We’re doing cake soon, by the way!” And then he flounces away.

“Drunk Liam is a different person, I swear,” Louis says.

“I love drunk Liam,” says Harry. “I mean, I love all Liams, but—”

“I get it,” Louis says. “I think the drunk versions of all of us are the most fun.”

Harry smiles. “They are fun, aren’t they?”

“And if it weren’t for the drunk versions of us, who knows how long it would’ve taken us to get together?” Louis asks.

“Good point,” says Harry with a considering nod. “We owe a lot to drunk us.”

“They’re the real MVPs,” Louis agrees, and then they’re called inside for cake.

It’s ice cream cake and Liam decides to give a long, drunken, rather cute speech, so the cake is slightly melted by the time Niall and Zayn have cut and distributed it. For some reason, though, they hadn't gotten out spoons, and Harry looks at Louis, who’s looking back at him forlornly. The kitchen is so far away.

Harry looks at his cake, still melting away, and he brings his paper plate up to his face. Then he pokes his tongue out and licks the cake, and Louis makes this weird, strangled laughing sound.

“Okay, one,” Louis says. “You can’t _do that_ around people. And two, I’m pretty sure eating ice cream cake with your face is a WikiDon’t.”

Harry giggles, and then he bites his lip. He hadn’t realised licking his ice cream might look that way.

Louis’s looking at him thoughtfully, and then he says, “How about we get some spoons and take our cake to bed?”

“Definitely a WikiDo,” Harry says, and Louis laughs as he turns to the kitchen.

***

**8 september**

Harry's probably been in a state of shock since he checked his flist this morning and saw that Gabe's holding a fan video contest for I Kissed A Boy. He wants them to record and submit videos for the song, and then he'll upload one of his favourites every week. 

What the fuck. A fan video contest set to a song about kissing boys? It's like it was made for Harry. For No Direction, really.

They're all so excited about it, it takes a while before they start even thinking of ideas, but once they do, they decide on a storyline fairly quickly.

“Here’s my pitch,” Louis says, rubbing his hands together and leaning forward. “We play up the verses, like, maybe we can wear all of Niall’s awful neon clothes and act like Gabe would. But then in the choruses, it’s literally just boys kissing. Like, fuck all the rest of the song, it’s just gay.”

“Oh, I like that,” says Harry. “It’s a subversion of Gabe’s subversion.”

“You two are just saying that because you want to kiss each other,” Zayn says. “In a video for Gabe to watch, you freaks.”

“It’s a good idea,” Harry protests.

“Yeah, I wanna do it,” Niall says. “We’re the gayest band, it just makes sense for us. We can just kiss each other.”

“Each… other,” Zayn repeats. He looks uncomfortable. “Obvs that works for these two, but how are we supposed to…”

“You can kiss me,” Niall says, and is it Harry’s imagination, or does Liam’s face fall at that? “And you can kiss Liam too.”

Liam blinks rapidly and opens and closes his mouth like a fish a few times. Nobody else seems to notice, but Harry’s keeping an eye on him.

“Uh,” Zayn says, looking like a deer in headlights for a split second before he screws up his face and sighs. “Yeah, okay. It’s a good idea.” 

“Thanks,” Louis says.

“Not sure why I have to be the one passed around but whatever,” Zayn mumbles.

“Good,” Niall says, clapping his hands. “So, are we going to go to an actual club to film it? 'Cause as you all should know, my birthday's coming up...”

*

**13 september**

The next Saturday they’re at a nightclub. Niall wanted to go to Canal Street, but Louis said that filming something there to put on the internet might be a bad idea. At least at a straight club they don’t have to worry about accidentally outing someone. And this club plays emo/alternative music, so it's not even that bad.

Niall brought his iPod so they can mouth along to the words if they want to, and it’s very weird filming themselves like they’re in a music video in a club like this, but they eventually have fun with it. The club’s crowded and they’re not around the same people long enough for it to matter—besides, everyone who sees the camera is drunk and would rather make stupid faces at it than question them.

The video ends up totally hilarious, the five of them mugging at the camera like they’re actually tough in one shot, and then kissing each other in the next. Because it’s Niall’s birthday, he’s been socialising as much as he can, so he’d only kissed Zayn once before he’d met a very open-minded straight boy who wanted to kiss him in the video. So that paired Zayn up with Liam properly, which has been interesting to watch. They’re awkward with each other but they clearly like kissing each other—but Liam’s still got that girlfriend. It’s really not serious though, Harry never sees her, so he’s still holding out hope for Zayn.

He hopes maybe this whole scenario is the kickstart they need.

Because it’s Niall’s birthday, they go to a gay club on Canal Street after they’re finished filming to meet up with Niall’s coworkers. Harry fucking loves Canal Street. It makes him so happy to live so close to his own bright, proud community. 

Harry dances pressed against Louis for the rest of the night, feeling safe and perfectly at home.

***

**22 september**

Two very exciting things happen on the second Monday since they’d submitted their I Kissed A Boy video. Firstly, Liam comes home from uni at midday and says he’s broken up with his casual girlfriend. Harry’s been waiting for this for six bloody months, so he’s over the moon. He tries to hide it and be comforting, but Liam doesn’t seem very upset.

After Liam goes to his room, Harry tries to nudge Zayn into making a move, but he flatly refuses. Harry realises he’s behaving like everyone who’d annoyed him about Louis, and he’s horrified, so he decides to let them work it out themselves. He just sits with Zayn instead while they both scroll through Livejournal, and then Harry checks the band gmail account and yelps.

Because the second exciting thing is that Gabe’s emailed the band telling them that he’s chosen their video and he’ll be posting it today.

Harry stands up, throws his laptop onto the lounge, and shrieks. He’s shaking and he’s tingling all over and jesus he might overstimulate himself into a stroke.

“Harry, what?” Zayn’s stood up too, and he’s holding Harry’s arms, he looks worried. “What is it?”

Harry shakes his head wildly, because Zayn doesn’t have to worry. “We won!”

“What?” Zayn looks even more confused. “What did we win?”

His confusion somehow slows the world down enough for Harry to feel calmer. “Gabe emailed us,” Harry says, and Zayn’s mouth drops open in shock.

“Oh fuck,” he says. “We won?”

“We won,” Harry says with a happy grin. 

Zayn stumbles back and sits heavily onto the sofa. “Holy shit,” he says, looking dazed.

“I know right,” says Harry gleefully. “Gabe actually watched our video and picked it as one of his favourites. Is this real life?”

“Apparently,” Zayn says. “Holy shit.”

They call Liam in and tell him, and he’s stunned and amazed as well. He and Zayn look at Gabe’s email while Harry texts Louis and Niall. Niall responds with a long string of texts that are pure gibberish, which is a responsible use of his credit, and then Louis replies and Harry cracks up.

** from: loveofmylife  
holy fuck!!!! did we really!!!! omgomgomg **

** from: loveofmylife  
wait. hazza this means gabe has watched us kiss. oh no we didnt think this through **

** to: loveofmylife  
yes we did! gabe loved it! GABE SUPPORTS US **

** from: loveofmylife  
he would, he’s the creepingest creepster who ever creeped **

** from: loveofmylife  
no ur right. he supports us :’) how lovely is that **

** to: loveofmylife  
that's exactly how i'm feeling  **:’) it's so lovely **:’)**** **

***

** MCR Forum -> Member's Blogs -> and time did not exist for us at all (H) **

** snowghosts - 4:22pm, Sunday 12/10/2008 **

party last night \o/ now that we have actual friends here we thought we’d get everyone round.  
tom and giovanna came! which made me happy. they live here for uni. and ed who works with louis, he’s rad.  
gonna give a ~quick recap bc i was v v drunk and i only remember highlights.

guitar hero drunk = rather amusing.  
niall played miss murder a billion times because he was convinced he could finish it.  
he couldn’t.

me and lou sang dan whitesides' alphabet song OVER AND OVER AND OVER.  
_I LIKE SINGING THE ALPHABET WITH MAI FRENZ. TEH FUN NEVAR ENDS~~~  
_laawwwlll. ed, tom and g were like wtffff.  
_oh i love F! i forgot how cool H was!  
_then we moved onto quoting charlie the unicorn, bc they said we were annoying and we like NO, THIS IS ANNOYING

zayn was calling everyone ‘bb’ all night, it was beautiful

i have this lolarious video of louis ~mimicking beckett while snakes on a plane was playing. ‘i has a baby and i'm skinnnyyyy, SO KISS ME GOODBYEEE’ lololol

i dunked my head in the ice cold water in the laundry sink that the drinks were in \o/ idk why. i was goooone by that point and it was like 10. 

OH, and, tom was all like GIZ YOUR IPOD SO I CAN PUT FALL OUT BOY ON, so i did, and the ipod dock was above the sink and HE DROPPED MY IPOD INTO THE ICE WATER IN THE SINK!!!! i screamed and also freaked out THAT IS MY IPOD JFC, luckily louis saved it immediately and it's working. oh man. i was briefly so devastated.

more drunk guitar hero.  
niall played the devil went down to georgia a billion times because he was convinced he could finish it.  
he couldn’t.

liam made me a coffee, he was making everyone coffee/tea at one point for some reason? and i don't have milk in coffee, so niall decided to put in heaps of smirnoff ‘to cool it down’. it tasted like hot vodka, could barely taste the coffee. groooooossssss.

me, zayn, louis, tom, and g went and lied down in nialls room, idk why. we found his boxers under his pillow and put them+a bunch of other clothes on his fan…then forgot about it. niall walked in and turned the fan on, idek why, its october, i think he was trying to annoy us? but that backfired, bc BAM a shower of clothes.

OH MY GOOD GOD. i just remembered. the song stacy’s mom was playing for some reason AND THEN EVERYONE DECIDED TO CHANGE THE LYRICS TO ‘HARRYS MUM HAS GOT IT GOING ON’ AND I’M FURIOUS >:(((

niall got the hiccups and calmed himself down with thoughts of ryro's wang o_o whaaaaat. idek.

then a bunch of us went out into the garden (our garden is even lovelier now btw, i've  become addicted to taking cuttings from the shop and growing them, so now our garden is overflowing with flowers and plants :) ) , put on pretty.odd and laid down watching the sky, and there were no joke at least three shooting stars, it was awesome. literally so cool laying in the slightly damp grass listening to that album and watching the sky. then there were all these flashing stars, and there were a group of stars that looked like an angry face, so me, louis, niall and tom made up this story about an angry planet that was going to blow up earth and was sending shooting stars as warnings, and another planet was flashing in morse code to warn us. hilar.  
then niall laughed so hard he fell out of the galaxy.

and then when i finally slept, i actually had an mcr dream! :O that hasn’t happened for ages! so i met frank and gerard, and gee wouldn't stop complaining about something mikey had done. and then he gave me an autograph or whatever but it was this huge long rant about mikey on a piece of paper. in the dream i was like wtf i don’t want this but now i want to read it lololol.

and that was my night, tyfyt~~~

* * *

** snowghosts - 5:46pm, Sunday 12/10/2008 **

flawless blog babe xxx

* * *

** snowghosts - 6:07pm, Sunday 12/10/2008 **

liek ur faec <3

* * *

** justsleep - 6:20pm, Sunday 12/10/2008 **

ok can louis just make his own account now, its too weird watching harry flirt with himself tbh

* * *

** snowghosts - 6:22pm, Sunday 12/10/2008 **

:(

* * *

** harryslouis - 6:43pm, Sunday 12/10/2008 **

y halo thar :)

* * *

** craic_romance - 6:49pm, Sunday 12/10/2008 **

omg the username :roflcopter:

***

**17 october**

Harry and Louis are cuddled on the sofa rewatching Skins, Zayn half-asleep in the rocking chair beside them, when Liam comes home from a run. They hear him make himself a protein shake, and then he makes the mistake of going to have a shower instead of drinking it straight away. Louis looks at the shake, then at Harry, then back at the shake.

Harry can’t help laughing. “Go on, then.”

When Liam comes back to the kitchen, dressed only in basketball shorts that are falling off him, his shake’s gone and so is Louis. Liam frowns, and then he looks under the table for some reason, and when he straightens up again, his gaze fixates on Harry.

“Harry, did you drink my shake?” he asks.

Harry heroically keeps a straight face. “No, did you have a shake?”

“I thought I did,” Liam says with a confused frown.

Louis chooses that moment to stroll back into the room. “Put a shirt on, Liam,” Louis says as he hops back onto the sofa beside Harry. He seems to wake Zayn up in the process.

“I will, I’m just looking for my shake,” Liam says, looking in the fridge and then in a kitchen cabinet. Harry’s shaking. “Have you seen it?”

“No,” Louis says, and Liam turns to make eye contact with him.

“Are you sure?” Liam asks. “Are you _sure_ you haven’t seen it?”

“Why do you immediately think it was me?” Louis cries. “You haven’t even asked Zayn!”

“What?” says Zayn sleepily.

“Zayn’s not even awake!” Liam says. “And besides, Zayn’s not the sort of bloke who’d take my drink.”

“Damn right,” Zayn mumbles.

“Oh, but I am?” Louis asks, indignant. “How very dare you!”

“Louis, you literally stole my chocolate milk last night,” Liam says. “Where’s my shake?”

“That was chocolate milk,” Louis says. “I don’t want your gross protein shakes.”

“Give me my shake!”

“It’s just a shake,” Louis says. “You lost it, make another one.”

“I didn’t _lose_ it!”

Harry takes pity on Zayn, who’s covering his head with a couch cushion. “Liam, go and look in our room.”

Liam points at him. “You,” he says. “You’re the better half. Thank you.”

He heads off to their room while Louis sadfaces at Harry. “I could’ve annoyed him for at least ten more minutes, I bet.”

“I’m sure you could’ve annoyed him for twenty,” Harry says, kissing Louis’s nose. “But Zayn’s had a long day, he needs to sleep.”

“He could just go to his room,” Louis suggests lightly. Zayn flips him off.

“I wonder how my shake got on top of your chest of drawers,” Liam says, walking back into the room and sipping at his drink.

“Maybe it walked there,” Louis says with a roll of his eyes. “Shut up, we’re watching Skins.”

***

**4 november**

Harry's at work when Niall rings him in actual tears because Obama won the US election. Harry feels almost as elated; it's weird to care so much about American politics, but the idea of John McCain and Sarah Palin was too ridiculous and horrible to fathom. They're so bigoted and ignorant, whereas Obama was running on a platform of change and hope. And his election gives Harry hope that finally society might be starting to progress.

So when Niall says he wants to throw a party to celebrate, Harry laughs at him, but he solidly supports the idea.

It's a Tuesday night, and very short notice, so Harry's not sure how it's going to go. When he gets home, though, there's a decent amount of people in the house: Niall, Louis, and Liam, Zayn will be home soon, there's all of Niall's work friends, and there's Tom and Giovanna, who go to Manchester uni. They're both busy with uni and work, and Harry's busy himself, so he doesn't get to see them often, but it makes him feel nice just knowing they still live in the same place.

Harry hangs out with Tom, G, and Louis all night, and it makes him feel so cozy, being around people who have known him forever. Much as he loves living with his boys, there's a different kind of comfort in his friendships with Tom and G. And they've recently gotten bloody engaged; even though they don't plan on getting married for a while, there's still a lot to discuss. Harry loves talking about weddings and marriage, and he loves watching Louis talk about it. Harry's not expecting that in the near future, but he definitely thinks it's in the cards for them, and that realisation feels incredible. Sometimes he still can't believe his luck.

Niall gets his acoustic guitar out and starts a rousing group singalong of We Believe In (Barack Obama), which Harry films, planning to put it on their Myspace or something. They've been uploading videos and music more frequently, both covers and originals, and they're steadily gaining followers. Harry thinks they'll enjoy this.

As the party winds down, Niall's coworkers leave, and because Niall still has his guitar out, No Direction ft Tom and G come up with a delightful song about what they love about Obama. Harry ends up filming that as well.

***

**19 november**

“You guys know Gabe’s having vocal surgery?” Niall says after band practice, directed at Louis and Liam. Harry’s pretty sure he assumes Harry and Zayn are more up-to-date on music news. “He's on official vocal rest now.”

“Yeah, Harry said,” Louis says.

“I didn’t know,” Liam says. “What’s wrong with him?”

“He has a cyst,” Harry says. “He posted a video scan of his throat, it was so gross.”

“But hilarious,” Niall says. “FBRT had a field day, people made it their icons.”

“It looked like a vag,” Zayn says simply.

“Ew,” Louis says, and Harry laughs.

“Shh, vaginas are beautiful,” he says, mostly so that they’ll all laugh at and/or react to him. He’s not disappointed.

“What would you know, you’ve never seen one,” Louis says.

“Ooooh, zing!” says Niall.

“No, but I’ve seen Gabe’s throat,” Harry says.

“Oh, _zing!”_ says Niall.

“Yeah, and you just said it was gross,” Louis says.

“Zing!!!” yells Niall.

“Shut the fuck up Niall,” Harry and Louis say within seconds of each other, while Zayn throws his hands up and says, “I swear to God -” and Liam smiles fondly at Niall, at all of them.

Niall feigns outrage, crossing his arms and huffing. “Well _fine_ , I was _going to say_ though, that I saw Gabe was having surgery in January –”

“How do people know that?” Liam asks, baffled.

“I dunno, I just saw people saying that,” Niall says.

“I think people asked him,” says Harry. “Or maybe he wrote a blog?”

“Anyway, January’s when they’re supposed to tour here, and he needs two months recovery apparently, so I’m pretty sure that’s getting cancelled,” Niall says, and they all groan, because they’ve all got tickets.

Harry’s stomach sinks, he’s sure Niall’s right. He loves Cobra so much and he was so looking forward to hearing this album live. He’s been looking forward to seeing them since July, actually—this tour was originally scheduled for September, so they first bought tickets in July. It was rescheduled because they had an opportunity to record, and probably a bit because of Gabe’s issues. Harry was actually pleased when the new dates were announced, because the Manchester date was on his fucking birthday. Although his last birthday was perfect, seeing Cobra on his birthday would be extra special, so he’s selfishly upset to have it taken away.

“I’ve been expecting that for a while, yeah,” Zayn says sadly. “It sucks, because they’re touring the US right now. He shouldn’t be doing that either.”

“Yeah, he needs to stop, what the fuck,” Harry says. “I should message Suarez and tell him.”

“No, you shouldn’t,” Niall says. “It’s Warped Tour. As if Gabe would say no to Warped Tour, it’s a breeding ground for bandom.”

He's right, God, Harry would kill to play Warped. Well, not really, but he'd definitely sell a kidney. He just hopes Cobra reschedule the tour again instead of outright cancelling.

***

**24 november**

Coincidentally, they’ve just finished another band practice when Harry goes on Myspace and sees that yes, the tour has been rescheduled for next May. But to make up for delaying the tour yet again, Cobra are holding a contest to find a support band for the ten-day UK leg.

Harry’s so excited he can’t speak for a second, so he tugs on Louis’s arm until he looks at Harry’s laptop.

“Oh my God,” Louis says, reading Cobra’s Myspace bulletin. “Oh wow.” He looks at Harry with wide eyes. “Are we ready for something like this? D’you think we could actually win?”

“Yes,” Harry says confidently. He has no doubt that it’s possible. Their band haven’t played a real show yet, but their Myspace is full of songs and every day they’re gaining more followers than the last. And they’re _good_. At least, Harry thinks they are. Their cover of Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have, with Harry and Louis trading off vocals on every line, is wildly popular. “Why not? Gabe clearly loves us.”

“And we’ve met Ryland, and you’ve got your Suarez thing,” Louis says, counting off on his fingers. Harry giggles; he still sometimes Myspace messages Alex Suarez when he’s drunk, and Alex still sometimes replies, though Harry doesn't think Alex actually remembers him each time. “Yeah, this is obviously what our lives have been leading to.”

Harry thinks their lives have been leading to their own happily ever after, but he just says, “It’s destiny,” and then giggles again.

“It’s a good first step, at any rate,” Louis says. “Hey lads, look at this!”

***

**Myspace Messages**

**From: harry.**

**To: Alex Suarez**

**Date: 10:54pm, 24/11/2008**

**Subject: u can has tour support~~**

**hay bffl just thought i’d let u kno~ my band applied 2 support u guys in the uk in may :D i kno u love staying up to date with my lyfe~ :D**

**loads of love, harry .xx**

**ps. hope gabes doing well and all the rest of u are too <3**

He’d messaged Alex riding on the high of applying, he ran away with the excitement at the idea of supporting one of his favourite bands and he’d thought it would be funny, but the next day he’s embarrassed. What if Alex actually listens to his band and thinks they’re shit? What if he thinks Harry’s a weirdo stalker? Or that he’s trying too hard? Which he definitely is. He was too eager.

He tells himself it’s unlikely Alex will even see his message, and even if he does, he won’t listen to the band. They’ll probably get rejected at the first stage anyway.

His negative thoughts start to spiral after he thinks that, and he ends up talking it out with Louis, who reminds him of all the reasons they’d applied, how it kind of is a fun lark but also that they’re talented enough to win it. Louis truly believes that, he believes in them, and it helps combat Harry’s anxiety, reminds him that he believes it too.

And then, three days after he’d sent his message, Alex actually responds!

**Myspace Messages**

**From: Alex Suarez**

**To: harry.**

**Date: 6:37am, 27/11/2008**

**Subject: Re: u can has tour support~~**

**yo! this is harry from reading yeah? thats cool dude. whats yr band called ill look u up**

Harry’s heart is beating so hard and his hands are shaking so much that he has to put his laptop aside and breathe for a bit. It’s the same reaction he’s had every time Alex has sent him a message, but this is the first time Alex has offered to _do_ anything for him, and it’s so unexpected Harry can hardly fathom it.

After he spends a few minutes composing himself, he picks up his laptop again and painstakingly types out, ‘ **hey! :DDD yes, tho im in manchester now lol. aw dude that’s so cool of you. we’re called no direction, our myspace is here** ’ then he pastes the link, adds ‘ **loads of love, harry .xx** ’ like always and hits send before he can overthink it too much.

***

**december 10**

Fall Out Boy’s Folie a Deux is out today, and they’ve all been looking forward to it so much that Harry and Louis decide to invite the other lads to join in on their First Album Listen tradition.

This has been a good year for albums, in Harry’s opinion. Obviously beginning with Pretty.Odd., but then The Matches released A Band In Hope, The Hush Sound released Goodbye Blues, Jack’s Mannequin released The Glass Passenger, and all three of them are perfect masterpieces. Shit, there was also the TAI album, which has grown on Harry even more, like he’d expected. It’s been a seriously good year for new music.

Louis doesn’t care much for The Hush Sound, but Harry had listened to Jack’s and The Matches for the first time with him, and Niall had been jealous both times. Both Zayn and Liam have also said that they thought the tradition was a cool idea, and they’re like a little family now. It just makes sense to include them when it’s a band they all love, like FOB.

Liam's picking up the album on his way home, so the rest of them gather in the lounge, and Harry blinks when he sees Niall.

Niall’s gotten really into neon over the last few months, Harry blames Cobra Starship, Kanye West, and 3oh!3, and his jumper today is a glaring pinky orange. He’s honestly hard to look at.

“Jesus fuck, what are you wearing?” Louis asks.

Niall makes a face at him. “It’s new. D’you like it?”

“No, fucking hell,” Louis says, squinting at Niall dramatically. “It’s literally brighter than the sun, go and change.”

“No, and fuck you,” Niall says, sitting beside Zayn on the sofa. “I like it.”

“You like looking like a traffic cone? A fucking fluorescent light?” Louis grumbles. 

Harry elbows him and quotes LOTMS softly: “‘You like being a demographic? Something someone can use for evil? You like that?’”

Louis's frown drops and he laughs. “‘Wooooo!’ ‘Fuck no you don’t!’” He grins and turns his body to face Harry. “I’m just looking at you now Hazza, I’m blocking Niall out.”

“Hey,” Niall protests. “I thought we were all supposed to experience this together.”

“You should’ve thought of that before you decided to light up the room with your jumper,” Louis says, still pointedly looking at Harry. Harry laughs.

“That’s a pretty cool skill, I’ve decided I like your jumper,” Zayn tells Niall.

Louis’s mouth drops open in outrage and he turns to give Zayn a look of horrified betrayal, presumably, but in doing so, of course, he has to face Niall. So then he’s moaning about his eyes being damaged for a good few minutes before Liam comes home with the CD.

Honestly. He’s such a dramatic weirdo sometimes. Harry loves him impossibly more every day.

The album's amazing, of course it is. Harry loves it even more than he loved Infinity On High, which he honestly didn't see coming. It immediately becomes one of his favourite albums ever. And it's so much fun listening to it with all the lads and seeing their reactions, though obviously Louis's is his favourite. It's less intimate than usual, of course, but the boys are well used to them going off into a world of their own, so Harry curls up against him and feels it with him.

(Coffee's For Closers) is playing, _kick drum beating in my chest again,_ and it makes Harry think of their entire friends with benefits phase, the way Louis makes him feel, and also the way it feels at a concert. How Harry feels at a concert and how he feels about Louis are very similar, so he thinks that makes sense.

Clearly they’re not all thinking along the same lines as he is—the song repeats ‘change will come’ over and over, and Niall’s started yelling it, punctuating each line with “YEAH! OBAMA!” It’s hilarious, including him in this was such a good idea.

So far Harry's had an emotional reaction to almost every song, they're all so good, but all five of them are blown away by What A Catch, Donnie. About halfway through, Harry's got a lump in his throat, and by the time a chorus of voices are singing lines from different FOB songs, Harry's eyes are leaking.

Louis wipes his tears gently, like he always does, and Harry aches with how much he loves him.

“Can we look up who's singing on this song, or is that against the rules?” Niall asks.

Harry giggles a bit. “I didn't know there were rules.”

“Well, neither did I, but apparently Louis has all these fashion rules,” Niall says, waving his hands about.

“Honestly Niall,” Louis rolls his eyes. “Shut the fuck up and Google.”

Harry pauses the album while Niall picks up Zayn’s laptop from the coffee table, as Liam says, “I bet it’s in the lyric booklet.”

Niall Googles before Liam can even look. “Gabe’s doing Grand Theft Autumn,” he says. 

“I thought that was him,” Zayn says.

“Heeeey, it’s my boy Travie McCoy on Sugar We’re Going Down,” Niall says. “Brendon does Dance Dance, some dude I don’t know on This Ain’t A Scene—ahaha, Alex Deleon from The Cab sings Thanks For The Memories, amazing.”

“Oh God,” Harry groans. The Cab. They’re honestly a garbage band but their songs are far too catchy and the Deleon+Cash friendship suckered him in. Harry likes them, but he's annoyed that he likes them.

“And it’s Bilvy singing Growing Up,” Niall says. “Elvis Costello sings the bit after, that’s cool.”

“I thought that was Bill’s voice,” Harry says, kind of pleased he’d guessed one. “Right, I’m rewinding, I wanna listen to that bit again.”

Tears spring to his eyes even faster now that he knows who’s singing which bit, it’s such a punch to the chest. He just really loves when songs reference other songs, and the sheer nostalgia factor with FOB is doing him in.

20 Dollar Nosebleed is his favourite song, though. The bouncy piano is delightful, it reminds him of The Hush Sound. Also, Niall’s been looking up info about the album as they go, and halfway through the song —

“Wait,” Harry says. “Is it just me, or…”

“It sounds like there’s two Patricks,” Louis says. “One of them’s slightly different.”

“No, is it —” Zayn starts, but Niall cuts him off.

“It’s Brendon! He’s doing vocals and the piano!”

“Oh my God,” Harry says.

The song ends with Pete basically doing spoken word poetry, and Harry loves Pete’s poetry, so that only makes it better. He wants to listen to this song exclusively from now on, it sounds like Brendon and Patrick joined The Hush Sound and brought Pete with them. Harry loves it.

“That was amazing,” Zayn says softly as the last song plays.

“It was, this is such a great idea,” Liam says, grinning at Harry and Louis. “So much better than listening on my own.”

“Oh, I meant the album,” Zayn says. “But yeah, thanks for letting us crash your thing.”

“Any time,” Harry says. “Seriously. I loved this, didn’t you, Lou?”

“Hmm?” Louis says, distracted. He shakes his head. “Sorry love, was just thinking about whether I could play that piano in 20 Dollar Nosebleed.”

Harry’s heart explodes and everyone else in the room disappears. “Louis,” he breathes. “Could you? You could.”

“I think I can,” Louis says, looking fondly amused. He's been getting better and better at the piano—well, the keyboard, really—and Harry doesn't doubt he could.

“I’ll do anything you want if you learn it,” Harry says.

“Anything?” Louis grins and waggles his eyebrows while faintly Harry registers the other lads groaning.

“Anything,” Harry says, rubbing their noses together before kissing him. The lads and their groaning noises can fuck off, this is what an album listening party involves.

***

**MCR Forum - > Member’s Blogs -> and time did not exist for us at all (H)**

**snowghosts - 7:04pm, Friday 19/12/2008**

wow, long time no blog! sry guise. life is mostly work+louis rn. work is grate, louis is grate, living w the lads is still grate. i’m just rly busy, but i’m here bc i have news!!!

OUR FUCKING BAND IS OPENING FOR COBRA STARSHIP NEXT MAY !!!!

we just found out! we won that contest they had! is that not the most absurd thing you’ve ever heard??? idek how to begin to fathom it. 

like, i don’t think we’re going to be hanging out with cobra every night or anything, but we’re at least sure to meet them? so that’s amazing? and then there’s the fact that we’ve only played open mics, never had our own show, and now we’re going on a tour?  
shit, we should record a cd so that we actually have some sort of merch lol.

i’m just, yeah. still in shock i think. how is this possible???

:runcircles: :woot: :niall:

***

**fbr_trash - anon post #134**

* * *

(Comments - 967) 

**snowghosts**

guise my band is opening for cobra on the uk tour next year lololol

— > _(Anonymous)_

cool u can get us all the deets

— > **shutupitslaurenx**

… what

— > _(Anonymous)_

does that mean ur 2 ~famous~ for us nao? :(

—— > **snowghosts**

never, anon <3

***

  **december 23**

The night before Louis’s 19th birthday, Harry throws him a big surprise party at the house. Louis has been saying for weeks that he doesn’t want to do anything for his birthday, that it was too close to Christmas for anyone to be free, that all he wants to do is listen to Soco Amaretto Lime with Harry at midnight.

Harry still plans on doing that, but he couldn’t let Louis’s birthday pass without a massive celebration. They’re going back to Doncaster tomorrow, they’ll spend his actual birthday with his family, but Harry wanted him to feel loved by their Manchester friends too. He makes Harry feel so loved every single day, Harry just wants to make him feel special.

It worked so well: Liam, Zayn, and Niall had all pretended they were going home this morning, so they’d showered Louis in birthday love and presents at breakfast, and then they’d taken off in Liam’s car for the day. Louis had fully believed it.

Tonight, Harry convinced Louis to go out and get take away, and in that short amount of time, the boys came back home, followed by Tom and Gio, and Louis’s coworkers from the record shop, Oli and Calvin. They’re alright, kinda prattish though. Harry doesn’t always like their jokes and sometimes he doesn’t think he’s very comfortable with them, but Louis likes them. He agrees with Harry that they’re arseholes but he says he’d have gone mad at work without them. Ed from the label arrives shortly after and makes up for it, he’s an absolute sweetheart.

Harry ushers everyone in and gives them quick hellos, then he and Niall fetch the alcohol and cups from their hiding place in Niall’s room. Liam gets the food together, the boys help him quickly set up, and then Louis’s opening the front door.

The look of total shock on his face makes Harry grin wildly. He’d known this was a good idea.

Louis says “what the fuck” about seven times, windmilling his arms about. He calls the lads out for lying to him, he points at Harry and says “YOU!” and then gets distracted by Tom and Giovanna’s presence, because they haven’t seen them since the Obama party last month. He keeps cycling between utter disbelief that Harry and the lads would do this, and happy surprise at the people who’d shown up. Harry gives him two shots to snap him out of it and get him in the party mood.

They eat while they play a few games of Kings, because it’s Louis’s favourite drinking game. Harry had bought Southern Comfort, amaretto, and limes, and Louis is _thrilled_ , so Harry proclaims himself Louis’s drink wench and makes him soco amaretto limes whenever his cup is empty.

The games are fun, even when the I Never card is pulled and everyone targets him and Louis with pointed sexual and/or oblivious idiots comments and they’re both out after only five people. Harry picks Louis for the date card and they hold hands above the table. They’re both giggly drunk and it’s fun, Harry’s enjoying himself and it’s obvious Louis is too.

Around eleven, most people have to leave; almost everyone is travelling home for Christmas tomorrow, and all of them are probably going to be quite hungover for the trip. Not a super smart choice, but Louis’s worth it.

Harry insists on being alone with Louis at midnight, because they’re always the first people to say happy birthday to each other, so he keeps an eye on his watch. At eleven-thirty he makes Louis say goodbye to Ed, the only person left who doesn't live here, and drags him into their bedroom.

“There’s still at least fifteen minutes til midnight, H, what’s the rush?” Louis asks as Harry pulls him onto the bed.

“We’ve got plans,” Harry says, grabbing his laptop and opening iTunes. When he hits play on the song, Louis grins happily.

“Yessss,” he says. “I’m so glad you remembered.”

They curl up together and listen to Soco Amaretto Lime on repeat, and it feels perfect. Harry slides his hand up to rest against Louis’s beating heart, and he feels so fucking lucky.

“I really do wanna stay eighteen forever,” Louis says wistfully.

“Okay, Peter Pan,” says Harry, then pitches his voice as high as he can. “[I don’t wanna grow up. Not a penny will I pinch](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i6SzHW6KkMA) _._ ”

Louis giggles. “You’ll never grow a moustache,” he says.

“Yeah, and you’ll never grow a fraction of an inch,” Harry says. Louis pinches his nipple and he yelps.

“Shut the fuck up. And anyway, I meant, because, this year has been amazing,” Louis says. “Eighteen has been my best year ever, definitely.”

Harry sighs happily, even though his nipple smarts. “Yeah, me too,” he says. “I was just thinking that. I can’t believe how happy I am now, how lucky I am.”

Louis rubs his nose against Harry’s. “You deserve the world, you know.”

“You do too,” says Harry fervently. “And you know what, I have high hopes for nineteen. We’re going on tour with Cobra fucking Starship, Lou!”

Louis beams. “That’s a very good point.”

“And we’ll still be young and in love,” Harry says. “And even when we’re not young, we’ll still be in love. I think I’m okay with growing up.”

Louis’s smile looks like it could break his face. “Yeah, I don’t mind growing up if I get to do it with you.”

“Always,” Harry says. “Always with me.”

Louis kisses him and the song plays, _just jealous ‘cause we’re young and in love_ , and Harry has to pull away to say, “Maybe this is our song.”

Louis looks amused. “Face it, Haz, we have about twenty songs at this point. And those are just the ones we haven’t written ourselves.”

Harry shrugs as best he can in his position and laughs. “Well, we’re very musical people.”

“Yes, we are,” Louis says fondly, and then he says, “What’s the time?” and grabs Harry’s wrist to look at his watch. “Four minutes!”

“Hmm, what’re we gonna do for four minutes,” Harry murmurs, inching closer to Louis’s mouth.

Louis turns his face before Harry can kiss him. “Let’s talk about how this song makes me think of Jesse and John,” he says. Harry laughs. “It sounds like it is, yeah? Maybe I’m biased, but it sounds like being young and in love with your best friend.”

God, Harry fucking loves him so much it hurts.

“Makes sense, I’d believe it,” he says.

Louis looks pleased. “I fucking love you,” he says, and then he finally kisses Harry again.

The song plays through again, and when it finishes, Harry pulls away from Louis’s mouth to look at his watch.

“Thirty seconds!” he announces, and he and Louis watch the seconds tick down until—“Happy birthday!!!”

Louis makes his fond, pinched, V-shaped Harry smile. “Thanks, love.”

“I love you, and I hope you have an amazing day and an amazing year,” Harry says earnestly.

“Thank you, baby,” Louis says, looking amused and fond. “So do I, I hope we both do.”

“We will,” Harry says, and kisses him again.

After a few seconds, Louis pulls away.

“So, it’s my birthday,” he says cheekily. “Where’s my present?”

“You’re not getting your present til the morning, but I’ll give you a blowjob?” Harry offers, smiling sweetly.

Louis huffs a laugh and kisses him. “I won’t say no to that.”

 

 _we’re gonna stay eighteen forever_ _  
_ _so we can stay like this forever_

 

***


	4. 2009

***

**2009: for me, this is heaven**

***

**29 may**

“Hazza, have you seen my Three Cheers shirt?”

Harry hops up from the merch box he’s sitting on and joins Louis at the back of their van. Their three bags are open in front of him, contents strewn about haphazardly. Harry winces.

Harry can’t remember seeing Louis’s old, torn shirt in their bags. “Did you bring it?”

 _“Yes_ _,”_ Louis huffs. “I remember seeing it a few days ago, I almost wore it but then I thought I’d save it for tonight.”

Harry starts digging into the bag that looks the least rifled through.

“Niall probably stole it,” Louis says. “He’s always been jealous of it.”

Harry laughs. But that gives him an idea. “Mhm, or, here’s a more likely scenario—it’s in someone else’s bag.”

“So _someone’s_ stolen it,” Louis says decisively, even though Harry’s pretty sure their belongings are all quite mixed up at this stage, and especially Louis’s, with the way he throws his stuff around. Present situation is a prime example. He helps Louis hunt through the van until they find his shirt anyway.

*

Tonight is the last of their seven shows with Cobra Starship. It’s been absolutely surreal, it really has. Touring is _so much fun—_ like, it’s hard work, and there are parts of it that suck. They’re the itty bitty baby opener, so they obviously don’t get a bus like the other bands, they were given a van. (They were also given a Paul, their driver/babysitter, and Harry’s knows they’ve made his life hell for the last few weeks. Paul’s life is so hard it rivals Brian Schechter’s.) Living out of a van is exhausting and gross and uncomfortable, but Harry doesn’t even _care_.

He gets to perform to people who seem to like them, more and more people are coming to their merch desk, and there have been a handful of people who really connect with what they’re doing. Harry loses himself on stage, he dances with rainbow flags and introduces Louis as his boyfriend and sometimes he’ll give Louis a quick kiss if he feels it’s okay. Their sets are a bit of a pride explosion, and Harry’s so glad some people seem to like it. Their MySpace following is growing in leaps and bounds by the day, faster than it ever has.

The other, hilarious side effect of this tour is that he’s basically become a celebrity on FBR_Trash. It’s so weird, because he’s been going there for a while now, and was a regular last year, so people definitely had an idea of who he was. Now, though, his proximity to Cobra has propelled him into the spotlight, and he’s not posting or even visiting as much, because it feels a bit weird now and because he rarely has internet access, so he’s become this sort of mythical figure in the comm. It’s funny, because his Myspace friends have been in the thousands for two years now, and he’s long stopped friending people back on LJ, but somehow having an entire community of people know who he is feels even more bizarre. It’s more concentrated, maybe.

Ten days is a ridiculously short amount of time for life to change this much.

He’s actually talked to Gabe about it a couple of times, because he couldn’t stop himself from asking if the Gabe anon on FBRT was actually him.

“Yeah, man, I love that shit,” Gabe had said. “I mean, it’s not always me, but yeah, I’ve posted there. They’re my homies.”

Quintessential Gabe, really. Harry genuinely feels so lucky to be able to have these random interactions with him.

Anyway. The whole thing has him questioning his online presence. Before the tour he'd gone back through his LJ and his Myspace blogs, editing out anything he found embarrassing. He found he was okay with most of it, though, especially as there’s nothing to identify him on his fandom LJ, and he’s a bit endeared by Past Harry. He was often so confused and lonely and oblivious. Some of his old LJ posts are very obviously about Louis, if cleverly disguised, and Harry wants to shake his past self. He's Privated most of those posts, they’re just a tad too much.

There’s a lot of embarrassing photos of him all over his Myspace and LJ too, the majority from deep in his emo phase. The extreme eyeliner and the Myspace angles and the poses, good lord. The worst ones are the ones where his hair’s straightened, he’s had a full-body cringe at those. He’s left them all up, though; they’re entertaining, and cute in their own way, Harry supposes. If someone wants to go digging through his sites to find his worst photos, that’s fine. It’s more his private, embarrassing thoughts that he’s worried about.

The last place he’s bared his teenage soul is the forum, which is less active these days, but he still loves and trusts everyone there. There’s only about fifteen members left these days, everyone inactive has been booted, and Harry’s not worried about any of them exposing his whiny blogs. Even if they did - that potential embarrassment won’t ruin his life or anything, and even though it’s horrifying, it’s still a better option to Harry than deleting his teenage diary. There’s so much history and nostalgia there, he could never bring himself to do it.

The more he thinks about it, the more he thinks he’s being paranoid. Or at least trying to prepare himself for a potential fame that he’s unlikely to have. But anons have already posted some of his old photos on FBRT, so he thinks it’s better to be safe than sorry. And now he’s got a better idea of what he’s actually posted publicly, and it was a fun nostalgia trip. Looking back at the old stuff made Harry really realise how far he’s come in basically every area of his life. It’s actually amazing, how much better he feels in general, across the board.

He was already doing well, before this tour. His relationship with Louis is perfect, it's this grounding, stabilising force in his life, and it was a combination of Louis and feeling like his life was finally on track that's made his state of mind so much better than it was just two years ago. And he's still loving working at the florist's, although he quit his internship last month when he realised Nick was never going to pay him—which was fine, Harry didn't want to work in radio anyway, and it freed him up to get ready for the tour. When they get back home, he's going to have so much time to work on band stuff.

Because if he thought he was happy before, it's nothing compared to how touring's made him feel. He was nervous about performing to begin with, but now he knows, this is where he belongs. He just feels so at home on the stage, especially with his boys beside him. He can feel himself come alive under the stage lights, and when he’s performing—especially the songs he’s written, the ones that have a piece of his heart in them—he feels complete. It’s where he’s meant to be, and he wants to do this for the rest of his life.

And he wants to share it with Louis. Watching Louis on stage—if Harry comes alive, Louis _shines_.

He spins circles with his guitar, all the energy of Frank Iero and Pete Wentz, he plays piano like an angel, he belts out lyrics with so much passion, without a care to how he may sound. It’s so _attractive_ , his confidence just radiates through every night. He’s grown so much as a performer just on this short tour, they all have.

He and Louis have also developed a tradition of singing certain lines in their songs to each other. They can’t help it, or at least Harry can’t—they wrote those songs, they know what they’re about. It’s almost impossible to keep his eyes off Louis when he’s singing about him. So Harry watches Louis a lot, and knows he’s being watched in return—sometimes it feels a bit like he’s performing for Louis as well, and he kind of loves that.

And then there are the quick kisses, or the times Louis will rub up against him or share his mic and then whirl away, to strangely comforting screams from the crowd. It’s all a big tease, and their sex life has been weird as hell on this tour, confined to venue bathrooms because they’ve had no privacy. Harry’s annoyingly horny all the time, but part of him loves that too.

He can’t even imagine what touring would be like _without_ Louis—dreadfully boring, probably—but he’s just so happy they get to do this together. Harry wants to do it with him forever.

He and Louis had rewatched Punk’s Not Dead the other day, on Liam’s old portable DVD player, sharing earphones in the back of the van. They’d watched the frontman for the UK Subs, who’d have to be at least fifty, hop around the stage like he was still twenty in his mind. Harry had grinned at Louis in the dark and said, “I want that to be us.”

Louis had grinned back. “I hope so.”

***

They have their first ever interview soon, which is frankly absurd. It’s only for a Youtube channel, but it’s their _first ever interview_ , and it’s going to be filmed, and Harry’s a bit stressed. He smokes one of Louis’s cigarettes, and when that doesn’t calm him down, Zayn offers him the second half of his joint.

Harry would consider himself a casual smoker at most, and he’s been trying to avoid it on gig days, but he thinks it might help. He knows it calms him down.

It does. He feels relaxed and happy and hazy, and he snuggles up to Louis while they look at Twitter on Lou’s Sidekick. Twitter is a new thing for them, they’d only made accounts right before the tour, but they’d quickly become obsessed. People are funnier on Twitter, Harry thinks. And so many of his favourite band people are tweeting now, it's so weird and cool. He remembers the days when the closest he could get to them on the internet were MySpace blog posts and Gabe's FBRT anons. Twitter makes him feel more connected to them than ever.

Also, all of Cobra Starship follow him on Twitter. He’s not got a big head about it or anything, but… he’s totally got a big head about it. And he’s gaining followers rapidly—almost every day someone will tweet him about his band, their music, or Louis, which are some of Harry’s very favourite topics. It’s cool to feel like people care about what he has to say.

Speaking of, as Louis's looking at Gerard's Twitter, Harry gets distracted by thinking about what he’s going to talk about in the interview. There are a lot of things he wants to say, a lot of stands he wants to take, that he wants the band to take. This is their first interview, though. It’s important to show people who they are, and Harry wants to do that without completely alienating people.

He and Louis are very upfront about their relationship. Harry’s been posting about it on Myspace and Livejournal since the beginning, so they definitely weren’t in the closet when the band started getting attention. They didn’t really have a choice, but Harry wouldn’t have wanted to hide it anyway. Harry loves his relationship with Louis, and he likes knowing that everybody knows about it. It makes him feel seen for who he is. And God, he remembers being seventeen and terrified of being Seen by anyone. And here he is, welcoming it. Sometimes he thinks his relationship with Louis’s shaped him into a better person. Which… reminds him of Tom and Giovanna, actually. And they’ve just had their wedding and G's pregnant, so Harry likes that comparison.

Anyway. Harry and Louis are open about their relationship, but Liam and Zayn are not. Harry wonders if this interview will change that. While all of their sexualities are posted on their Myspaces, so they’re all out in that way, Zayn and Liam have been dating since March and haven’t said a word.

Apparently Zayn's crush on Liam has always been requited. Harry fucking knew it. He was waiting for something to happen for months, because they’d been acting weird with each other since September when they filmed their I Kissed A Boy video (which, yes, has been played to absolute death on this tour). From Zayn and Liam’s stories, Harry’s pieced together that: They kissed for the video, and they both liked each other, so they both had loads of conflicting feelings. Zayn also kissed Niall for the video, so Liam was jealous and sad, which is why he broke it off with that girl he was seeing. They didn’t talk about it because no matter what Zayn says, he’s no better at this stuff than Harry is. Then Zayn hooked up with someone else in February and Liam found out and dramatically shaved off his hair into a very punk mohawk. And then it clicked for Zayn and he confronted Liam and they got together. Zayn got his own mohawk in solidarity, it was all very cute.

It’s only been two months—almost three now, actually—and Harry understands being cautious. He just can’t wait until they can say they’ve actually got _two_ queer relationships in their band.

But Zayn and Liam are both super aware of being gimmicky—maybe too aware. They’ve both said, in their own words, that they want to figure out what they have without outside pressure. They don’t want the band getting more attention because of their relationship, only to implode and have it look like attention-seeking. They want to make sure it’s real.

Harry’s totally on board with that. He just thinks it’s pretty obvious that it _is_ real, so he’s just waiting for Zayn and Liam to realise that. God, if this is how annoying his fear of fucking everything up was, he owes all his friends a massive apology. 

* 

“So how would you describe your band?” the interviewer, Ashley, asks. She's got a camera guy named Jim and actual little mics for each of them, it's more professional than Harry was expecting. Ashley's nice, though, so Harry's still feeling pretty okay.

“We say we’re a little bit of Panic at the Disco, little bit of Elton John,” Louis says.

“Little bit Brand New, little bit The Beatles,” Liam says.

“Little bit My Chemical Romance, little bit Freddie Mercury,” says Niall.

“I feel like that was actually Ryan’s pitch for Fever You Can’t Sweat Out,” Harry says to Zayn, and then starts when he realises the mic got him and everyone heard him.

They seem amused, so Harry smiles.

“We are sort of all over the place, though,” Liam says. “I think it’s interesting how sometimes we have like, heavy drums and guitar, and then Louis’s lovely piano ballads, and then we all sing, and there’s like, a Lennon/McCartney vibe to Harry and Louis.”

“Mm, we come from very punk places but our frontman’s a hippie,” Zayn says.

“We’re every important genre of the 70s mixed together,” Harry says. “Li’l bit punk, li’l bit hippie. Li’l bit glam, li’l bit disco - ”

“Li’l bit heavy metal,” Liam says, and he and Harry giggle.

“That’s true, actually, weirdly,” Louis says. “I thought we were more modern than that.”

“We are,” Zayn says. “A lot of our influences come from the current scene.”

“Basically we do what everyone else does, just gayer,” Niall says with a grin.

“Well yes, speaking of which,” Ashley says. “This is something that sets you apart from a lot of other bands, how upfront you are about your sexualities. Was that a conscious decision?”

Zayn shrugs. “I was never gonna be someone I’m not. None of us were.”

“And we think it’s important to show that we exist,” Harry says. “I know what it’s like to be a young queer kid looking for any kind of representation I could get. We want those people to know they’re not alone, and they have us.”

Louis’s hand sneaks up around Harry’s wrist and grips his fingers. Harry holds back tightly, feeling strength and confidence flow through him. This is terrifying, but it’s what he’s always wanted to do, and he’s got Louis by his side.

Ashley looks at them, at their hands, at her notes, and then back at them. “And the two of you are actually a couple, is that right? How long have you been together?”

“Almost eighteen months,” Harry says with a smile. “Our anniversary is New Years Eve.”

“Oh, that’s nice,” she says. “Easy to remember!”

“Exactly,” says Louis.

“It’s funny,” Harry says. “Because between December and February it’s like, his birthday, Christmas, our anniversary, my birthday, Valentine’s Day. Like it’s so full-on.”

“Wow,” says Ashley.

“Yeah, it’s intense,” Louis says. “We have to ignore each other the rest of the year to cope with it.”

Harry laughs, surprised, along with everyone else, and then he sadfaces at the notion.

“Aww, as if, c’mere,” Louis says, pulling Harry closer so that he can wrap an arm around him. Harry snuggles against him happily.

“They’ve been together longer than eighteen months though,” Niall decides to say for some reason. Harry contemplates pushing him off his chair, but then he’d have to leave Louis’s warm side. Fine, he supposes Niall can talk. “They just won’t admit it. All of 2007 was a big game of will they-won’t they, it was ridiculous.”

Harry should’ve pushed him. And then Zayn and Liam agree, even though Liam wasn’t even around for half of 2007, so Harry frankly finds that rude.

“When I met them, I thought they were together,” Liam says.

Harry almost chokes on his chewing gum in surprise. He knows, because Liam’s said once, he’d only talked to them in the first place because they weren’t hyper masculine and he hoped they might be queer. It was when he was drunkenly telling Harry about how he used to be scared of straight boys and still didn’t trust them. But Harry hadn’t put two and two together and realised the reason Liam thought they were gay is because he thought they were together.

It messes with his head, a bit, to think they used to read that way to total strangers before they were even a couple.

“I’d have thought the same if I didn’t know they weren’t,” Zayn’s saying. Harry remembers him saying that before, _fuck_. “And Louis even had a girlfriend at the time!”

“Hey, we were best friends, we were close,” Louis defends them. “And we were worried about our friendship!”

“You were stupid, is what you were,” Niall mutters, and Zayn fist-bumps him.

“So, how does it feel to be the first band in the scene to include an openly gay couple?” Ashley asks, clearly trying to keep them on track. Harry has a vision of the future and feels like this will happen for every interviewer they encounter.

“Are we really the first?” Louis asks, skeptical.

“Are we really in the scene?” Niall asks. “This is our first tour.”

“Of course you are!” Ashley says, waving her hands around. “You’re a band, you’re playing shows, you’re doing interviews! Touring with Cobra fucking Starship!”

Harry laughs. He likes her. “Thank you for that validation.”

“Welcome to the scene,” she says with a grin. “So, how does it feel?”

Harry looks at Louis. He doesn’t even know what to say.

“Well, if it’s true we’re the first, which I kinda doubt—”

“Doesn’t really matter, though, does it?” Zayn says. “It’s still rare, still important.”

“You’re right,” Louis says. “He’s right. It’s a pretty big deal to us. I think it was just really important to me and Haz to be upfront from the get-go. There’s nothing wrong with being in the closet but we’re lucky enough that we don’t have to be. I’ll be honest, sometimes I’m terrified of what people might say or do. I’ve been to festivals, y’know, I see how bands like My Chem or Panic get bottled just for, like, not being masculine enough, and I want to protect all of us from shit like that.”

“It’s definitely scarier, being openly gay,” Harry says. “As a band, or even as people, it’s like, we have to assume a lot of the time that people aren’t going to like us or won’t get us. Loads of people will hate us without even knowing us.” Harry pauses for a second and squeezes Louis’s hand, because he will not fucking cry during his first recorded interview. Louis rubs little circles onto Harry’s hand with his thumb and it helps, Harry remembers to breathe. “It means that the people who do give us a chance, who do connect with us, it makes it more special.”

“That’s true,” Louis says. “I really love talking to people after shows, especially about stuff like this. That’s probably been my favourite part of this tour, really. It’s finding connection with people.”

“And now today’s your last show,” Ashley says. “How do you feel about the tour ending?”

“Devastated,” Niall says. “I’m havin’ the literal time of me life. Playing music is my favourite thing to do, and I’m with me best mates, and I get to hang out with one of my favourite bands. It’s been a dream.”

“Exactly,” says Harry, and the others agree too. “I don’t know how we’re gonna go back to our lives after this. I don’t want to.”

“You shouldn’t!” Ashley says. “You guys should keep touring!”

“Well, we’re only going back to our boring jobs for a bit,” Louis says. “We’re organising a tour for later in the year, and in July we’ve booked studio time to record an actual album.”

“Oh, exciting!” Ashley says. She's pretty good at making them feel like she cares about whatever they're saying. “You’ve only got an EP, yeah?”

“Yeah, we recorded it at the radio station where I used to work,” Harry says. They'd done that in February, which is part of why Harry put off quitting 'til April—he felt like he owed Nick. “We used to just record ourselves on my camera and put it on MySpace, but we thought we should have a physical CD for shows, and we could do without the tinny sound effect.”

“We were very lucky to be able to record there,” Liam says. “But recording in a proper studio is gonna be amazing, I can’t wait.”

“And do you have a full album of songs yet?”

Harry looks at Louis and laughs. “Just between me and Lou, we’ve already got thirty-seven songs,” Harry says, and Ashley’s mouth drops open.

“The trouble will be narrowing them down,” Niall says. “Classic over-achievers.”

Harry rolls his eyes. He wouldn’t say that. It’s just that he still finds song-writing cathartic. It still feels like therapy for him, it’s the best way he’s found to get rid of his fears and anxieties. It’s also the best way to express his happiness—all the overwhelming emotions, really. Writing a song about something makes it less overwhelming.

“Well, that’s amazing,” Ashley says. “I think you should just release all of them. Screw the old formulas.”

“What, a thirty-seven-song album, or do it gradually?” Louis asks, then looks at Harry.

“I actually think either way would work,” Harry says thoughtfully.

“Guys, we probably won’t have enough time to record that many songs,” Zayn says, and Harry frowns.

“Ahh, I hope you can,” Ashley says, then looks at her notes. “Sooo… how do you guys know Cobra Starship? Because some eagle-eyed fans discovered that some of you were in an episode of TAITV years ago - ”

“Oh my _God,”_ Louis laughs, and Harry and Zayn join in.

“I love that video,” Liam says with a grin.

“I hate that video,” Niall grumps.

“We were at Reading,” Harry says. “We just ran into Ryland and Jack talking to fans.”

“We pretended we didn’t know who they were, it was classic,” Louis says.

“We told him afterwards that we were fans and we got a photo,” Harry says.

“I should’ve been there and I was in line buying bloody chips,” Niall says.

“It was so cool, sorry Niall,” Zayn says with a bit of an incredulous laugh. “Look at where we are now, it’s unbelievable.”

“So you guys didn’t know the band before this contest?” she asks, and her voice is still light, but Harry can’t help feeling investigated, a little bit.

“God no,” Louis says.

“No more than any other fan,” Harry says. “We were just fans, so.” He wonders if he's said the word ‘fan’ enough times. He's not sure why he feels mildly defensive; maybe because he feels like he's seen FBRT anons ask these questions. That's not her fault.

“And we’re queer fans, so we filmed a video for Gabe’s I Kissed A Boy contest thing,” Zayn says. “I don't think that's why we landed this tour, though.”

“Oh my fucking God, why would you bring up _that_ video,” Louis groans.

“I… don’t know,” Zayn says. “Why did I do that?”

“I’m looking it up when I get home,” Ashley says with a grin. She wraps the interview up shortly after that and wishes them a good show, and then she’s leaving to find another band.

Harry feels a bit off-kilter. The questions she was asking—it’s stuff he’s been worried about anyway.

He thinks they got this gig because Suarez and Ryland and maybe even Gabe remembered them. They had three points of contact—the TAITV video, all of Harry’s stupid drunken messages to Suarez, and Gabe posting their I Kissed A Boy video.

When they’d first met Gabe, he’d grinned at them widely and said, “It’s you guys! Get those connects, yo!”

Which pretty much confirmed it; all those moments of reaching out, as a fan, that he was embarrassed by after the fact—they’d been respectful, and fairly casual and cool, and somehow made an impression. Really Harry just thinks he’s lucky, they’re all lucky, that Cobra are online as much as they are. And relatively small. This sort of thing would never happen with My Chem.

Or maybe it would. They choose local bands to support sometimes as well. Harry wonders if his band would win something like this on their own merit and not because the band remembered them.

He’s voiced that to Suarez, a few nights ago, because he and Nate have taken Harry under their wing—so has Victoria, actually—and Gabe when he remembers Harry exists—Cobra Starship are secretly a band of mother birds. Not that he’s spending loads of time with them, mind—it’s just how they act when he does see them.

Suarez said he was wrong, they’d gotten it because their music was good and their dynamic as a band was even better. “Clearly best friends, and then you add in the gay thing? And the fact that most of you are dating each other? Dude,” he’d said. Harry remembers it word for word. “Gabe’s been saying, the scene has needed a popular, actually gay band for ages. You guys are so fucking likeable and your music is good. You deserve this.”

It had helped then, and Harry tries to keep it in mind now. He’s got a lot of insecurities when it comes to his band, because there’s loads people could criticise them on. But he does believe, at the end of the day, that their music is good, and that they do clearly love each other, and he knows people like that. This tour is building him up day by day, because he gets to see people react to his band, see people _like_ his band, and he’s starting to fully believe that this is possible for them.

Remembering Suarez’s words reminds him that Alex knows about Zayn and Liam—most of the bands on this tour know, probably. Another reason they should come out, Harry thinks, before rumours start.

Not that he thinks people care enough about their band to gossip, but… Harry’s on FBRT and fueledbygossip. He can’t help that that’s where his mind goes.

And he’d hoped maybe they'd say something during the interview, but they hadn’t. Harry doesn't want to push them, and to be honest he can't really see their cautious selves outing their relationship until they've spent a few months together. He's just so excited for the day they're ready.

*

They’d had to choose which genre to go with before this tour. Because they’ve got so many different influences, their music really could go any way. One day Harry might be feeling Alexisonfire, but the next day he’s feeling Oasis, or Queen, or Fall Out Boy, and the rest of the lads are the same way. There’s no telling which direction their songwriting could take. Hence, the band name, really.

For these shows, for Cobra Starship fans, they decided to tone down the heaviness, to go with their poppier, indier influences. Harry thinks they’ve landed somewhere in a sort of combination of Cobra, The Academy Is, Andrew McMahon, Panic, and maybe fun., this band he’s just gotten into. It means Louis’s on keyboard slightly more often than he’s playing guitar, and it means Harry gets to harmonise with him on some of their ballads.

It’s not really cool to cover other bands in the scene. Like, there’s nothing wrong with a good cover, but Harry’s noticed that his favourite bands don’t tend to cover their peers, they usually cover older songs. Harry doesn’t quite get it, because as a fan, he’d love to hear that.

And so his band started out covering My Chem, Panic, and Fall Out Boy. Harry can’t consider them his peers, in any case. They’ve had extensive band meetings to prepare for this tour and discussed which covers to do, and their emo band covers are their most fun, the ones they enjoy doing the most. And they’re sort of known for it, at least for their cover of Lying Is The Most Fun, where Harry and Louis both sing and they'd changed all of the 'girl's to 'babe'. It's easily their most popular video on Myspace.

Everyone more or less agreed they'd do Lying on this tour, but Zayn brought up something that Harry couldn’t get out of his head: what if people think they’re only covering these bands because they’re popular in the scene? Like it’s a transparent grab for a fanbase?

Harry was already worried that people would love their covers and hate their originals. He really didn’t need to worry about being seen as fake and manipulative on top of that.

When he mentioned it to Louis, Louis said, “But it’s not fake and manipulative, Haz. We love these songs. That’s all you should be thinking about, how much you love these songs that we get to play. And that will shine through.”

And he was right, Harry thinks, every night this tour. Tonight probably won't be an exception.

But it's the last show. And there's a weird sort of emphasis to that that makes Harry feel like he has to do better.

“How are you feeling?” Louis asks.

They’re sat in their tiny room backstage, they’re on in about twenty minutes. Harry's been lost in his head for a little while, and Louis asks before every show anyway, because Harry had been quite nervous before their first one. His nerves have lessened with every performance, as he’s gotten more and more comfortable on stage and with the knowledge that people seem to like them.

Except. It’s the last show. And Harry has plans to go on stage with Cobra Starship later tonight. He isn’t as nervous as he was for the first show, but he hasn’t been this nervous since then.

The hustle and bustle of their room, with the other boys flitting about the small space getting ready, isn’t helping.

“Bit worried,” Harry says, and as he does, he realises he’s gotten better at talking about it, especially to Louis. He doesn’t remember the last time he felt nervous and didn’t end up talking to Louis about it. “Just because it’s the last show, I think.”

He can’t tell Louis about the Cobra thing, it’s a surprise. But even just voicing that he’s worried makes him feel a bit lighter.

Louis makes a sweet sympathetic face, and then he gives Harry a hug. Harry feels instantly safer. “It won’t be any different,” he says into Harry’s shoulder. “You don’t have to put any pressure on it.”

“Mm, I know,” Harry says, kissing the side of Louis’s head. “Part of me can’t help it, though.”

“It’s okay,” Louis says, pulling back. “Do you wanna try breathing?”

Harry nods, so Louis starts taking deep breaths. Harry mimics him, matching his breaths to Louis’s, and starts to feel the world slow down. They do this before every show now, because it helped the first time, and it always helps Harry relax. He never realises how fast he’s been breathing until they do it.

After a few minutes, Harry feels so relaxed he could sink through the tiny, old couch. 

“How do you feel?” Louis asks.

Harry smiles at him. “Really good,” he says.

“Good,” says Louis with his own smile, then he gives Harry a too-quick kiss. He adjusts the flowers in Harry’s hair as he says, “It’s gonna be an amazing show, believe me.”

And Harry does. 

This is why he always tells Louis. He knows now that Louis will make him feel better. Louis makes him feel like he can do anything.

*

Harry’s not prepared for it in the slightest.

He totally should’ve been. But he’s got his own thing planned for later, he's been too focused on that to suspect Louis would do anything during their last set. Foolish.

It’s before their third last song, which is supposed to be No Control, but Louis’s at the keyboard, not his guitar. Harry frowns at him and Louis smiles back.

Then he says into the mic, “So we were thinking, as it’s the last show, might change it up a bit for you.”

Harry blinks at him. “Who’s this ‘we’?”

“Oh yeah,” Louis says into his mic. “This’s a surprise for Hazza too.”

When Louis starts playing the opening chords, Harry almost sobs. He quickly puts his mic back on its stand; he doesn’t need his reaction to be in any way audible.

Because it’s fucking Smother Me. Louis’s learned how to play Smother Me by The Used, and he’s playing it in front of a few thousand people.

Louis starts off the song by himself, his lovely voice sweetly ringing out through the theatre, and then the other lads join him on the chorus. Liam’s softly following on the drums while Niall adds gentle guitar and Zayn’s over by the bells. _All_ of them have learned this, without him even knowing. He doesn't know they did it.

Harry’s been watching with hearts in his eyes, and he loves being serenaded so goddamn much, but he’s feeling the urge to sing along as well, to show Louis’s not alone in this.

Louis’s alone again on the second verse, and Harry’s biting his lip ring and staring at him while Louis gives him this knowing little smile. As he finishes the verse, he makes a little ‘go on’ motion with his hands, as if Harry should sing. Harry grabs his mic off the stand with a questioning look, and Louis nods, so Harry joins him on the bridge —

_I found my place in the world, could stare at your face for the rest of my days..._

And Harry’s slammed back into 2007, to hearing that for the first time and fucking feeling it. He’s always there with this song, granted, it shifts him into the ‘preparing his wedding vows’ zone instantly, but it’s somehow more now. It just hits him, standing here on a stage with his boyfriend of eighteen months, just how much he has now. How much his life has changed.

He sings along with the chorus, so raw he’s basically screaming. He can’t stand being away from Louis anymore, so he gives his guitar to a tech and joins Louis beside his keyboard. Louis needs both his hands free, but Harry only needs one to hold his mic, so he wraps his other arm around Louis’s waist.

They sing along together, all five of them, their voices harmonising so perfectly on the long high note that Harry’s actually impressed. And then the song winds down, and Louis sings, “ _Let me be the one who calls you baby all the time_ ,” and then twice more, and he’s turned his head and he’s just staring at Harry and Harry’s staring back and it's definitely the most dramatic, romantic moment Harry’s ever had in front of an audience.

Louis stops playing, and all Harry can hear is screaming cheers, but all he can see is Louis. He wants nothing more than to snog the living daylights out of him, but they’re on stage. Harry curls into Louis for a hug instead, and it’s just as good in a different way; pressing himself against Louis feels like soaking in a comforting, healing bath.

“Aww, they’re very cute, aren’t they,” says Niall, and Harry thinks he only sounds about twenty per cent sarcastic, which is nice. “I know someone filmed that, I better see it on Youtube.”

Harry pulls away from Louis and wipes his leaky eyes, giving Louis a sheepish smile. “Love you,” he says, even though Louis won’t hear him over the screams. He’ll know what Harry’s saying.

“Love you too,” Louis says, because of course. Then he kisses Harry on the cheek like he can’t help himself before turning to get his guitar.

Harry looks at the cheering crowd and smiles.

*

They drink backstage during Cash Cash and Sing It Loud’s sets, but Harry drags Louis sidestage to watch Cobra.

“It’s the last Cobras show, Lou!” Harry says when Louis wants to play beer pong with Niall.

Niall says, “Oh shit, you’re right!” so then all five of them end up sidestage. Harry probably should’ve expected that. It’s fine, but it means they’re all about to witness him serenade Louis. Fuck, this one's definitely going to end up on Youtube, and the video will have Niall cackling in the background.

Cobra have been playing new songs on this tour, so they haven’t been playing everything off the second album. Gabe had asked Harry if he wanted to sing with them on a song tonight, though, and he’d asked which was Harry’s favourite. His favourite is The World Has Its Shine, he can’t help that they haven’t played it in a bit.

“No, dude, we can do that,” Gabe had said. “It’s hard on my throat, that’s why we don’t, but you can sing the high parts!”

They’ve played One Day Robots Will Cry a couple times, so Harry said he’d be happy to sing on that, but Gabe was like, “Nah, fuck it. We’ll do both.”

Harry wasn’t able to get away to soundcheck with them today, so he’s a bit nervous, but mostly he’s excited. He knows those songs like they’re his own, he can’t believe he’s gonna get to sing them. Gabe’s bringing out all the lead singers from each of the support bands, so it’s not like he’s _selected_ Harry, but still. It’s still very cool.

He sings Robots and it's amazing. He's turned towards Louis at the side of the stage for half the song, he can't help it, being able to sing this song to Louis in this moment is pure bliss. Harry's seventeen year old self is in awe and Louis looks like he is too. He sings his favourite line,  _“I've known you in every life I've lived,”_ directly to Louis, and his voice breaks. He fucking loves this song so much, it's such an exact portrait of his friends-with-benefits-phase feelings. 

After Robots, he asks Gabe if the rest of his band can join for World Has Its Shine. Gabe says, “Yeah man, the less I have to sing, the better!” so Harry gestures for the lads to come onstage. And then Harry gets to sing one of his favourite songs with one of his favourite bands, with his actual favourite person. He keeps his arm around Louis while he sings and Louis holds him as well and Harry feels perfect, perfect, _perfect._

*

Everyone gets split up after the encore, and Harry and Louis end up following Suarez and Nate out from the venue to the buses, since they say that’s “where the party’s at”. They step outside, though, and immediately hear shouts from a clump of people gathered behind a barricade near the driveway.

“Yo, wanna go talk to people?” Suarez asks Harry and Louis with a grin.

They laugh and agree, although Harry knows nobody over there is waiting for them. People come to chat at their merch desk during Sing It Loud or Cash Cash, but if they’re waiting outside after the show, they’re definitely waiting for Cobra Starship.

The group raises in volume as they walk closer, and Nate nudges Harry and says, “Stick with me if you’re overwhelmed.” Harry feels stupidly cared for, even though Nate doesn’t even know him that well, he’s just a natural sweetheart.

He’s not that overwhelmed, anyway, he just feels awkward. People are talking over each other at Alex and Nate, brandishing cameras and Sharpies, and he looks at Louis, who’s looking at the small crowd with an amused smile. Harry remembers being on the other side of the fence with him— _that_ was overwhelming, and he’d had Louis with him then, and he has Louis now.

Their world has done a backflip, but he has Louis. Harry can probably deal with anything.

“Yo, have y’all met our newbies?” Nate asks as he grabs someone’s Sharpie and scribbles his signature on the papers in front of him. “See them on stage with us tonight?”

There’s a smattering of mixed replies, Harry makes out a few ‘no’s. It’s quite funny, really, how some people seem interested in having this conversation with Nate, but others are clearly only interested in getting their stuff signed.

“ _Y’all_ ,” Suarez mimics with a laugh as he takes a selfie with a fan. “Did _y’all_ see their set? First up, best dressed.”

“Is that how that goes?” Louis asks, laughing.

To Harry’s surprise, most of the fans waiting say they did see their set, and a few of them say they were really good, which might just be them trying to make Alex and Nate happy, but Harry doesn’t care. He’ll never stop being thrilled about people enjoying seeing him perform, enjoying his _band_.

Harry and Louis continue chatting to Cobra fans with Nate and Alex, and then Alex is like, “Yo, you guys want photos with them too, right?”

There’s loud agreement, a few girls yell “Obvs!” and again, Harry really doesn’t care that they’re just trying to impress Alex. It’s still fun. The energy out here is different to what they get at their merch desk, undoubtedly because they’re with Nate and Suarez, everyone’s more amped up. It’s exciting.

So Suarez crowdsources some more Sharpies, and sends Harry and Louis down the line where more Cobra fans are waiting patiently.

“Sorry, you’re stuck with us for now,” Louis says to the nearest girl, and she grins at him.

“No, I loved your set, that Panic at the Disco cover was epic,” she says, holding out her camera. “Can I have a photo?”

So it goes, they sign their names and take photos, for longer than Harry expected, actually. He’s not sure if it’s because these people actually like their band, or if they’re just being nice, or because they have to wait their turns for Nate and Alex anyway. Probably a combination of all three.

And then there’s a girl and a boy in front of them, and in the dim light Harry realises they’re actually wearing No Direction T-shirts. The shirts themselves are cool, Zayn designed them, but they’d only been able to afford fifty of them. They’d sold out a few shows ago, so Harry’s impressed and bewildered to see these two wearing them at this show.

“Nice shirts!” Louis says as soon as he sees them. “Limited edition, those are.”

“Thanks,” the girl says. “We got them at the Birmingham gig, thought we’d represent tonight.”

“Wow,” Harry says, blown away by the knowledge that people have seen them on this tour, liked them enough to buy merch, and then came back to the tour wearing it to support them. That’s so fucking lovely. “That’s really just.” He mimes his own head exploding. “Mind blown, sorry.”

The girl laughs. “We love you guys,” she says. “It’s really cool that you’re doing what you’re doing. It’s brave and it’s important.”

“Well shit,” Louis says, looking as affected as Harry feels. “Thank you, love, that’s really nice to hear.”

“No, thank _you_ ,” the girl says. “This is my brother, he’s actually been a fan of yours since last year.”

“Really?!” Harry asks, stunned. Logically he knows they’d had followers last year, but the reality of actually speaking to anyone who’d known of them before this tour is beyond his comprehension.

The boy nods. He still hasn’t spoken yet, and he looks younger than his sister, though they’re both obviously teenagers.

“Hi,” Harry says, smiling at him. “It’s really nice to meet you.”

“You too,” the boy squeaks, and then he clears his throat. “Um, I actually, I found you on MySpace first Harry, before I found your band.”

Harry feels a pleased little flutter in his chest. “Did you really?” He still can’t quite wrap his head around people following him, specifically. It makes him feel more interesting than he probably is.

“Yeah,” the boy says. “Those first few covers you two did, those were so great.”

“Oi there,” Louis says. “Look, that hair was very fashionable, alright?”

The boy giggles. “You looked great,” he says, and then his face seems to cloud over with embarrassment.

Shit, this kid is starting to remind Harry of himself. To try to distract him, he asks, “Did I friend you back on Myspace?”

The boy shakes his head, so Harry locates some paper and gives it to him along with his Sharpie, telling him to write down his URL. Seems like the least he can do is friend this kid back.

They chat with his sister while he’s writing down his URL, and she says her name is Sarah and her brother’s name is Chris, which makes Louis start singing the chorus of Grenade Jumper by Fall Out Boy.

Harry joins him on, “ _And I know this is belated, but we love you back!”_ and makes puppy eyes at Chris, who looks like he’s trying not to laugh.

“Thank you for that,” Chris says as he gives Harry the paper and Sharpie back.

“Thank _you_ ,” Harry says. “It’s so cool to meet you. D’you want a photo?”

Sarah arranges her brother in front of the barricade and takes a photo of the three of them, and then Louis tells her to get in with them, so she does and turns the camera around, holding her arm out. Harry grins at the camera, not even sure if he’s in the photo. Sarah shows it to them and Harry laughs, his head is just in frame.

They sign their tickets and Sarah thanks them again profusely, while Chris is silent. They weirdly remind Harry of himself and Gemma. They turn to leave, and then Chris turns back and comes closer.

“I just wanna say,” he says quietly. “That cover you did tonight Louis, that was beautiful.”

“Oh,” Louis says, clearly surprised. “Oh, thank you!” A smile’s growing across his face and it makes Harry smile himself.

“I, um, I think your relationship is really cute, and inspiring,” Chris stutters, looking earnest but flustered, and Sarah nudges him. “Oh, um, it was because of you that I told Sarah I’m gay, and I think you’ve made me feel brave enough to tell my parents, too.”

Harry seriously feels like he’s been thumped in the chest. He could quite easily burst into tears if he didn’t feel so winded. He can’t even fathom that that’s a sentence someone’s said to him. And now they _really_ remind him of himself and Gemma, holy shit. 

“Fuck this,” Louis says, slapping his hands on top of the barricade, then lifting up and hoisting himself over in one fluid movement, like he’s a goddamn Olympic hurdler or something.

Louis crushes Chris in a hug, and Harry hurdles over the barricade himself. He wobbles as he lands, still no more balanced than he was in secondary, and would probably have toppled over if it weren’t for Sarah grabbing him. He smiles at her gratefully and then throws himself onto Louis and Chris’s hug.

Once they’ve pulled away from their little love-in, Harry says to Chris, “I am so fucking proud of you, just so you know.”

Chris’s eyes are wide and wet. He reminds Harry so much of his own younger self, it’s absolutely painful. “It’s all because of you,” he says with a shrug.

Harry shakes his head, feeling like that dismisses Chris’s own bravery. “No, no,” he says. “You can’t give me all the credit. _You_ told Sarah, you’re the one telling your parents. You’re coming out because of you, too.”

“I s’pose,” Chris says, looking like he really doesn’t want to argue the point. That’s fair. “I just wanted to thank you for making me realise that it’s okay.”

“Jesus, any time,” Harry says, giving him a side-hug. “Thank _you_ for making me feel fucking incredible right now.”

Chris grins. “No worries.”

“Just wanna say, though, if you don’t feel safe, or you don’t feel ready, you don’t have to come out,” Louis says. “Like, you shouldn’t feel like you have to, just because we’re out. If that’s not right for you.”

“Yeah, Lou’s right,” Harry says. “The last thing I want is to make people feel pressured into coming out. Especially if it’s not safe.”

“It’s fine,” Chris says. “I mean, I think it’ll be fine. My parents are pretty accepting, it’s just, y’know, it’s a change, they’ll think of me differently… That’s why I wasn’t ready before.” He shrugs. Harry can relate to that too. “Now I feel more comfortable with it. I feel like it’ll be okay.”

Harry shakes his head, still in disbelief that he could really have an affect on someone’s life like this. “I really hope it is,” he says. “And I’ll friend you on Myspace, alright? Let me know how it goes?”

Chris’s eyes widen again and his mouth drops open a bit. Harry tries not to giggle at him, he’s just very cute. “Y-yeah,” he stutters. “Yeah, okay, I will.”

Harry gives him one last hug, and then hugs Sarah while Louis’s giving Chris his own last hug.

And then Suarez seems to finally notice that they’ve jumped the barricade, because he says, “Yo, what the fuck?” Harry and Louis laugh and jump back over it - except in Harry’s case it’s more like he hops up onto it and then slides off, Louis holding onto him so he doesn’t fall in a heap on the ground. Not at all embarrassing.

Harry would love to not be such a failcakes in front of people, but that doesn’t seem to be in the cards for him. Though, the crowd seems to find his lack of grace cute, given their ‘aww’s and the smiles Harry can see. Or maybe they’re ‘aww’-ing at Louis. Either way, Harry will take it.

Harry’s glad that they don’t stay out much longer than that, because Niall texts asking where the hell they are. It’s amazing being out here - even just experiencing Cobra with their fans from this side of the gate would be awesome on its own, it’s even more amazing that people appreciate what they’re doing. Harry’s feeling a bit overwhelmed after meeting Chris. He’s just a bit dazed.

It’s Harry’s dream, really, to affect people like that. To inspire them, to make them feel okay with who they are. He keeps thinking about it as they walk to the buses, he and Louis holding hands while Nate and Alex walk ahead of them. Harry just can’t get over how wonderful that experience has made him feel.

He squeezes Louis’s hand and says, “That was kinda mind-blowing.”

Louis smiles back at him. “Yeah,” he says. “I can’t quite believe it happened.”

“He was so cute, I want to adopt him,” Harry says.

“You would,” Louis says, his eyes crinkling as his smile widens. Harry’s chest feels full, the way it always does when Louis looks fond of him. “No, me too. That whole thing was so cute.”

“Yeah,” Harry says with a soft sigh. “It was just lovely. I can’t believe we’ve affected someone like that.”

“You know what it reminded me of,” Louis says. “When we met Frank. He reminded me of you when we met Frank, specifically.”

And jesus, the fondness in his voice when he talks about Younger Harry is something else entirely. Nobody loves Harry’s teenage self more than Louis does, Harry’s come to realise. Louis’s always so endeared and proud when he talks about him—well, he’s like that with any version of Harry, but it’s different when they’re talking about their past selves. It’s like he knows he’s seen a version of Harry that few people know and he’s proud of that.

And, fuck—the Frank reference. That memory had popped into Harry’s head tonight, but he hadn’t let himself make the comparison. He just can’t believe he’s in a position to experience this.

“We really are making a difference, Lou,” Harry marvels quietly. “Even if it’s just one person.”

“I’m just in awe,” Louis says, shaking his head. Then he leans over and kisses Harry’s cheek. “Thanks for forcing me to make a band with you.”

Harry laughs. “Shut up, like you didn’t want to,” he says. “I just feel like this is what we’re supposed to be doing, yeah?”

“Mm,” Louis agrees. “We’re where we’re supposed to be.”

“We’re where we’re,” Harry mimics. “You sound broken.”

Louis sighs as they approach the buses. “We were having a nice moment, Harry.”

“Yeah, okay,” Harry says, swinging their hands and pulling him closer. “You were definitely grammatically correct.”

“ _Thank_ you,” Louis says, somehow managing to sound self-righteous and happy at once, and he kisses Harry until Niall yells at them to get on a bus.

*

The night’s a blur after that. They meet up with Niall, Zayn, and Liam, and they party on the Cobra buses with all of the bands and crew, and they drink more than they probably should. But they’re sending off their first tour, and Cobra are notorious partiers. It wouldn’t make sense to close out the tour any other way.

Harry’s highlights include: screaming along to Guilty Pleasure with Niall and Gabe fucking Saporta, what is Harry’s life; incomprehensible drinking games with Nate and Louis; listening to Suarez drunkenly ramble about what he loves about his bandmates; reminiscing with Ryland about the first time they met, which led to Ryland slipping into his Guy Ripley voice for the rest of the night, or at least every time he saw Harry, Louis, or Zayn; and, last but definitely best, when Patrick Stump rang Gabe’s phone, because it wasn’t the middle of the night in America, and Harry was stood beside Gabe, so Gabe gave Patrick a long, nonsensical description of who Harry was, before giving the phone to Harry.

Harry, totally caught off guard and also drunk, had no idea what to say to Patrick fucking Stump, so he just said, “Hey.”

Patrick said, slightly less awkwardly, “Hey man, how’s the tour?”

“Good,” Harry said. “How’s… whatever you’re doing?”

“Great,” Patrick said with a little laugh.

“This is going well,” Gabe had said.

Harry wasn’t sure if he was serious or not, but he was about to give Gabe his phone back, then he remembered, “Oh! I love Folie a Deux, by the way, it’s incredible. On my all-time favourites list for sure.”

Patrick definitely laughed then. “Thanks, man, that’s awesome to hear.”

“So was the album,” Harry said without thinking, and Patrick laughed _again_ , and Harry couldn’t handle any more, so he quickly said goodbye, gave Gabe’s phone back, and went to scream at Louis about it, because as cool as he’s tried to be with Cobra, he’s still a raving fanboy at heart.

Harry still wouldn’t call himself friends with Cobra Starship. Partying with someone doesn’t make you friends. Touring with a band for ten days doesn’t make you friends. But they seem to actually like him and they treat him nicely, and that’s more than enough. That’s incredible.

It’s nearing four AM by the time Harry and Louis are curled up in the back of the van, the other boys passed out on the seats in front of them. It’s their last night of uncomfortable van sleeping—by tomorrow night they’ll be home. It’s the definition of bittersweet, what Harry’s feeling.

Only not quite, because Harry’s really fucking excited for the comforts of home. And it’s not like this is their last tour - they’ll do this again, as soon as possible, and maybe it won’t be with one of their favourite bands, but it’ll still be amazing, surely. Harry feels good about the future. He’s actually looking forward to every aspect of it.

He shifts so that he and Louis are pressed more tightly together and rests his head on Louis’s chest, over his heart. Harry might be drunk, but that heart is precious and it’s Harry’s and he thinks it’s the most beautiful sound he's ever heard.

He wonders if he could sample Louis’s heartbeat in a song. Maybe not. That might be creepy.

Louis’s arm is curled around Harry’s back, but his other hand comes up and covers Harry’s on his chest. “How are you feeling, sunshine?” he whispers.

“Bit spinny,” Harry says. “Tired. But good. Tonight was amazing.”

“And the tour’s over,” Louis says. “We can check that off.”

“One dream down,” Harry says.

“Next stop, America,” Louis says, because touring America is their actual dream goal. It’s starting to feel more possible now, unbelievably enough.

“And Warped Tour,” Harry says, because that’s his own personal ultimate dream.

“We will,” Louis says. “We’ll play Warped if it kills us.”

“Mmm.” Harry hopes so, but he’s too tired to agree energetically. “Good.”

Louis kisses the top of his head and says, “Night, H.”

Harry kisses Louis’s chest through his T-shirt, right on top of his heart. “Night, Lou.”

“Hey H,” Louis whispers after a second. “You happy?”

Harry smiles, sleepy but so in love. He props his head up to look at Louis and says, “Yeah. Perfectly.” He leans up to drop a kiss on Louis’s lips. “Always.”

Louis shifts, tangling their legs together further, and leans in for another kiss. “Me too.”

***


End file.
